From c199-ad@cory.Berkeley.EDU Sun Jun 12 23:22:09 1988
From: c199-ad@cory.Berkeley.EDU (Tom Newcomb)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Another compendium of history
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, funny
Date: 13 Jun 88 04:22:09 GMT
Organization: University of California, Berkeley

[There are a lot of these around.  I wonder if they actually come
from essays or people make them up.  Anyway, this one isn't bad. - Ed]



     Those  who forget history--and the English language--may  be 
condemned  to mangle both.  Historian Anders Henriksson,  a five-
year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded 
his  freshman  students'  more striking  insights  into  European 
history.   Possibly  as  an  act  of  vengeance,  Henriksson  has 
assembled  these fractured fragments into a chronological  narra-
tive from the Middle Ages to the present.

     During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle aged. Church and 
state were co-operated. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, 
lords,   and  surfs.  After  a  revival  of  infantile  commerce, 
merchants appeared. Those roamed from town to town exposing them-
selves  and  organizing  big  fairies  in  the  countryside.  The 
Crusades were expeditions by Christians who were seeking to  free 
the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.
     In  the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular.  A 
class of ycowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. It 
was spread from port to port by inflected rats.  The plague  also 
helped  the  emergence  of English as the  national  language  of 
England, France, and Italy.
     The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renesance bolted in 
from  the blue.  Life reeked with joy.  Italy became robust,  and 
more individuals felt the value of their human being.  Italy,  of 
course,  was  much  closer to the rest of the  world,  thanks  to 
northern Europe.  Man was determined to civilise himself and  his 
brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educa-
ted.  Europe  was  full  of incredable churches  with  great  art 
bulging  out of their doors.  Renaisance merchants were beautiful 
and almost lifelike.
     The  Reformnation happened when German nobles resented  that 
tithes were going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. 
The popes were usually Catholic. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 
theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reori-
entation  mutation.  Anabaptist services tended to be  migratory. 
Monks  went right on seeing themselves as worms.  The last Jesuit 
priest died in the 19th century.
     After  the refirmation were wars both foreign and  infernal. 
If  the  Spanish  could gain the Netherlands they  would  have  a 
stronghold  throughout northern Europe that would include  Italy, 
Burgangy,  central Europe and India thus surrounding France.  The 
German  Emperor's  lower passage was blocked by  the  French  for 
years and years.
     Louis  XIV became King of the Sun.  He gave people food  and 
artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows 
to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister 
of flirtation.
     In  Russia,  the  17th century was known as the time of  the 
bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes to humor Peter 
the  Great.  Peter filled his government with accidental  people; 
orthodox priests became government antennae.
     The  enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltaire wrote  a 
book  called Candy that got him into trouble.  Philosophers  were 
unknown  yet,  and  the fundamental stake was  one  of  religious 
tolerance slightly confused with defeatism.

     France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on 
the  state budget.  The French revolution was accomplished before 
it happened.  The revolution catapaulted into Napolean.  Napoleon 
was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and  unrestrain-
ed.
     History started in 1815. Industrialization was precipitating 
in England.  Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of 
a  population of 1 million people,  2 million able bodies were on 
the loose.
     The middle class was tired and needed a rest.  The old order 
could  see  the lid holding down new ideas  beginning  to  shake. 
Among  the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and  an 
anal parliment.
     A  new  time  zone of national unification roared  over  the 
horizon.  Founder  of the new Italy was  Cavour,  an  intelligent 
Sardine  from  the north.  Culture formented from its tip to  its 
top.  Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music 
reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and when he died 
they labeled his seat "historical."
     World  War  I broke out about 1912-1914.  At war people  get 
killed,  and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace 
was  proclaimed at Versigh,  which was attended by General  Loid, 
Primal  Minister  of England.  President Wilson arrived  with  14 
pointers. In 1917, Lenin revolted Russia.
     Germany was displaced after WW1.  This gave rise to  Hitler, 
who  remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between  Germany 
and  France.  Mooscalini  rested  his foundations  on  8  million 
bayonets  and  invaded  Hi Lee Salasy.  Germany  invaded  Poland, 
France  invaded  Belgium,   and  Russia  invaded  everybody.  War 
screeched  to  an  end when a nukleer explosion  was  dropped  on 
Heroshima.  A  whole  generation  had been wipe  out,  and  their 
forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.
     The last stage is us.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Tom Newcomb
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny .
One joke per submission, with descriptive "Subject:" and no form feeds, please!
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.


                                              