From moriarty Mon Jun 22 13:03:40 1987
Flags: 000000000201
From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (Judge Moriarty Wapner)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.spc
Subject: What's all this, then?
Summary: Introduction to the Court of Last Resort
Keywords: Howdy, neighbor
Message-ID: <1104@sputnik.COM>
Date: 22 Jun 87 15:50:26 GMT
Sender: news@tc.fluke.COM
Reply-To: spc-request@tc.fluke.COM (Judge Moriarty Wapner)
Distribution: world
Organization: Stupid People's Court
Lines: 115
Approved: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM

Before you begin to even formulate those inevitable queries in your mind,
let me assure you that this is indeed The STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT Radio
Network; or, as it is better known to the more technical among us,
rec.humor.spc.  Let's take this introduction slowly, one step at a time:

PURPOSE OF REC.HUMOR.SPC:

For the posting of the Proceedings of Stupid People's Court, a humorous yet
insightful yet penetrating yet fairly tasty column put together by (up 'till
now) yours truly, Judge Moriarty Wapner.

HISTORY BEHIND REC.HUMOR.SPC:

Many years before any of you (other than Hubert Humphrey, Rich Rosen or Gene
Spafford) were born, there appeared a series of humorous articles in
net.flame under the title "Stupid People's Court".  These articles, for
reasons unknown to historians and other people of Good Taste, created quite
a following, such that SPC (as the court transcripts are knows) was able to
escape the destruction of net.flame by being rocketed to Earth in a tiny
Internet Packet.  

Due to its infrequent appearances, however, SPC was lost in the high
signal-to-noise ratio of rec.humor and talk.bizarre, and hordes of pleading
fans asked me to start a mailing list so that they wouldn't miss new
episodes.  Thinking there might be some money in it somewhere, I obliged,
but discovered that after a year, the subscription list had climbed to an
extremely high readership, somewhere around the current number of Democratic
Presidential candidates.  The list's maintenance was murder, so I asked if I
might get me own little moderated SPC newsgroup on news.groups.  Luckily,
SPC was mistaken for "Superconductor-Powered Concubines", and a large
percentage of soc.misc voted the group into existance.  And here I am,
talking to you folks.

WHAT YOU'LL SEE ON REC.HUMOR.SPC:

A lot of me.  Sorry, I know it's a disappointment.  I'll be releasing the
first new Stupid People's Court transcript this week; after that, there will
be a short dearth while I take a much-deserved vacation (actually a trip to
the sanitarium, but you don't need to know that), and then I will return in
full force, whatever the hell that means.

Starting in late September, when the colleges get back in swing, I'll be
posting some of the "back issues" of Stupid People's Court, including such
classics as the Rocky and Bullwinkle episode, and the Ken Ardnt classics.
For those of you who can't wait that long, due to lack of patience or a
serious case of syphilis, and also have ftp access on ArpaNet, the archived
issues are kept on garp.mit.edu [18.72.0.205], login anonymous, any
password; the files are in ~ftp/pub, and are named "SPC.index", "SPC1",
"SPC2" and "SPC3".  Living Bible versions of SPC will be forthcoming, no
doubt.

And finally, you can expect to see your own works...

SUBMISSIONS TO REC.HUMOR.SPC:

Yes, I am taking submissions to rec.humor.spc.  You can try writing your own
transcripts to Stupid People's Court or any essay or skit-style humor; no
short jokes or shaggy dog stories that can go into rec.humor, please.

There are only two rules for the content of rec.humor.spc:

1)  No more than two postings a week.  That way I will only annoy by
    content, not by volume.

2)  I will not post anything I do not find funny.  Very funny.  Of course,
    "funny" is a subjective term; and I actually do find my stuff funny, so
    as to the question of what is posted to this group is actually funny...
    oh, go back and read the discussions we had in news.groups last month if
    you're interested in philosophy.  Suffice it to say that if it makes me
    really laugh, I'll post it.

Submit any articles to:			spc@tc.fluke.COM
Submit any comments or replies to
  rec.humor.spc postings (the
  comments WON'T be posted) to:		spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
Submit personal notes bearing
  greetings, financial opportunities,
  and offers of sex with members
  of the female gender to:		moriarty@tc.fluke.COM

Remember, I'll be away from the office for most of July, so don't expect
speedy reaction to your submissions.  I really do enjoy letters, though,
since my family doesn't speak to me any more, after that fiasco with Aunt
Polly and the roto-tiller...

EVENTUAL RESULT OF REC.HUMOR.SPC:

Eternal damnation for everyone involved.  Maybe a mini-series thrown in.

----

You're a bright bunch of boys and girls; I think you get the picture.  Just
remember...

  If you've got a flame, don't take it to the net.  Take it to court.

		   ****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******

============================================================================

			"You know what I wish?  I wish all the scum of the
			 Net had one throat and I had my hands about it."
			 			-- Rorschach (1985)

					Judge Moriarty Wapner
					Stupid People's Court

COMMENTS:     spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
SUBMISSIONS:  spc@tc.fluke.COM
Manual UUCP:  {uw-beaver, sun, allegra, hplsla, lbl-csam}!fluke!spc-request

DISCLAIMER:The ideas, opinions and implied snide remarks used above do not
	   necessarily represent the views of my employers.  They are 
	   entirely out of my dark and furtive imagination.



From moriarty Wed Jun 24 16:17:56 1987
Flags: 000000000201
From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (Judge Moriarty Wapner)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.spc
Subject: 60 MINUTES SPECIAL REPORT: The Demise of Stupid People's Court
Summary: An introduction and a rehash of SPC.
Keywords: REPEAT retrospective
Message-ID: <1133@sputnik.COM>
Date: 24 Jun 87 19:17:10 GMT
Sender: news@tc.fluke.COM
Reply-To: spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
Distribution: world
Lines: 795
Approved: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM

[Note: This is a repeat of a December posting to the mailing list. I thought
       it might a) provide a summary of what SPC is about, b) give you an
       idea of what kind of humor to expect, and c) allow me to avoid writing
       a new episode before I leave for vacation...]

==============================================================================

[Dum-Diddle-Lum-Diddle-Lum-Diddle-Lum-BONANZA!]

[SCENE:	A living room, done in Miami Vice pastels; the overcast weather
	outside leaves a rather grayish tint over the assembled tokens of
	American style.  In the center of the room (and our field of vision)
	is a large 25-inch color TV set, encased in a stereo cabinet and
	having a variety of buttons adorning it.]

[CLOSE-UP:  
	The TV screen takes up almost all of our field of vision.  A click
	is heard, and various multicolored waves sparkle, die and explode on
	the gun-metal gray surface.  The screen fades and coalesces into the
	end of a commercial featuring a pit bull chewing the leg off of
	Vanna White while she gaily explains how all dogs love the taste of
	GooGum Whoopies.  The screen fades, and a quick blurb for a banal
	local talk-host is flashed on the screen, quickly replaced by a
	ticking stopwatch over a black background.  A "60 MINUTES" logo is
	in the upper left-hand corner.]

[FLASH-CHANGE: 
	The ticking sound and stopwatch are replaced by the scene of an
	empty, dusty courtroom.  The dim natural lighting makes the scene
	appear to be shot in black & white.  The neglect and barren
	appearance of the courtroom give the impression that it has been
	deserted for quite a while.]

MORLEY SAFER [Voice-Over]:
	For three years, it was "The Court of Last Resort"; a haven for
	underdogs, social outcasts, and those harried by the cultural
	bullies of America.  It was an Apocalyptic place of judgement for
	others: the excessively obnoxious, the overly mercenary, and the
	"malignant Ignorant", as its founder and chief barrister was often
	to comment.  And finally, it was something of an asylum, a play-pen
	for the reality-twisting abilities of Judge Moriarty Wapner, whose
	wild and unkept fantasies were brought to life, bringing solace to
	the beleaguered and retribution to idiots.

	It was Stupid People's Court; it is no longer in session; and no one
	knows why.

[SCENE CHANGE: MORLEY SAFER, seated with ticking watch in background again]

SAFER:	I'm Morley Safer.

[SCENE CHANGE: ED BRADLEY, seated]

BRADLEY:
	I'm Ed Bradley.

[SCENE CHANGE: Empty studio chair with name "DIANE" on backrest]

WOMAN'S VOICE [offstage]: 
	HEY!  WHO LET THIS PENGUIN INTO MY DRESSING ROOM?  HE'S NUZZLING ME!

[SCENE CHANGE: 
	MIKE WALLACE, seated.  Behind him is a picture of a gigantic rubber
	gavel with a black question mark super-imposed over it]

WALLACE: 
	I'm Mike Wallace, and this is 60 Minutes.  Tonight's special edition
	is devoted entirely to the mysterious disappearance of Judge
	Moriarty Wapner and the inactivity of Stupid People's Court over the
	last year.  
	
	[CLOSE-UP of WALLACE]

	In some ways, the origins of Stupid People's Court (or SPC, as it is
	commonly called) are as mysterious as it appearance.  Word of it
	first spread through the legal community in early 1984, but it was
	not until September of that year that the court precedings were
	first released to the outside world.  The outlet was through the
	"news" section of a world-wide computer network named USENET; while
	USENET's restricted access limited the audience, and kept the
	details of the SPC proceedings from the public for some time, it was
	eventually noticed by the national and foreign media.

[SCENE CHANGE to BRADLEY in 60 Minutes studio chair]

BRADLEY: 
	Still, no one really knows who Judge Moriarty Wapner was; and little
	is known of the founding of SPC.  No records exist in any
	institution of it's funding or financial records; and exhaustive
	searches through the various legal professional associations have
	turned up no references to any Wapners, except for one obscure TV
	game show host.

	However, there is one other man besides Wapner associated with
	Stupid People's Court, whose memories give us tantalizing glimpses
	of the enigmatic barister.  

[SCENE CHANGE:	To the Stupid People's Courtroom.  At the entrance to the 
	deserted courtroom, a older, slightly obese man who has an amazing
	resemblance to the actor portraying Frank James in the "Bartles &
	James" ads wanders around the empty courtroom, gazing about in either
	reflection or boredom.]

	His name is Howard "Red" Farber, and for three years he has been the
	bailiff for the court, witnessed the organized insanity of almost
	every case, and on occasion has become a reluctant participant.
	Judge Moriarty Wapner depended on him to take the convicted to their
	place of punishment, and to keep some level of order to his court.

[SCENE CHANGE:  Still the SPC courtroom, but now RED is seated in a gallery
	bench, while BRADLEY sits next to him, holding a microphone towards
	the calm, quiet bailiff.]

BRADLEY: 
	Mr. Farber...

RED [Smiling gently]:  
	Red, please.  Everyone calls me Red.

BRADLEY [smiles]: 
	Red, then. Red, how did you become the bailiff for Stupid People's
	Court?

RED [leans back and looks at ceiling]: 
	Well, there wasn't much too it.  I'd been laid off as a night
	watchmen at the Orville Redinbacher popcorn plant -- when it was
	bought up by Beatrice -- and I was pagin' through the want ads a few
	days later.  One ad caught my eye -- said they were lookin' for a
	bailiff who could deal with, [squints] lemme see, "Unusual situations
	and desperate morons."  Also said I needed to stay calm "in the face
	of bizarreness."

	[Pauses, pulls out a stick of gum, offers one to BRADLEY (who shakes
	his head no), and pops it in his mouth].

	Well, I figured this was the job for me, seein' as I had had a lot
	of bizarre experiences at the Redinbacher plant -- Orville's always
	runnin' around in women's clothing, yellin' "Rhett!  Rhett!" -- so I
	headed to this place here. [points to the courtroom doors]  Walked
	right up the doors there, and stepped in -- right into a mess, as
	usual.

BRADLEY:
	The Judge was on the bench?

RED:
	Oh, sure, but he was lookin' kinda desperate -- had three of them TV
	preachers before him, bangin' on the front of the his bench.  Well,
	sir, I been raised to respect the law, and these holy men didn't
	look none to holy to me, frothin' at the mouth and usin' words I'd
	never say in the presence of sailors.  So I picked up all three of
	them and tossed 'em out the door.  Seemed to impress MW quite a bit,
	it did.

BRADLEY:
	And he hired you on the basis of your initial encounter?

RED:
	That, and I knew all the words to the "F-Troop" theme.

BRADLEY:
	What did he look like in those days?

RED:
	Pretty much the same as in the pictures today...

[SCENE CHANGE: picture of a rather normal young man, grinning
	beneath a close-cut brown beard and with lanky, uncombed hair.  It
	is a waist-up shot, and the clothes are obscured by the black
	judicial robe that he is wearing.  The only adornment he wears is a
	button with the words "DANGER is my BUSINESS" written on them.]

RED [Voice-Over]: 
	He was never much of a dresser, even before he grew the beard --
	shammy shirts, levis, sweatshirts, and all those brown Sears tennis
	shoes.  Real relaxed style -- that's why I enjoyed workin' for him.

BRADLEY:
	Couldn't have been an easy man to work for...

RED:

	Well, he was no problem, but some of the people he brought in... and
	his sentences were pretty unusual.  When I first got there, he was
	tryin' a lot of the net-folk for flamin', or for wimpy flamin', or
	for using something called "net bandwidth" or somethin' -- never
	could figure out what that was.

BRADLEY:
	Were his verdicts less... strange... than those that came later, and
	were more widely publicized?

RED:	
	No, he always handed out pretty weird punishments.  Like takin'
	several English Majors who'd been complainin' about spelling on the
	net, and lockin' up with Leon Spinks.  Or when he took a man who'd
	posted to 57 newsgroups about a TV set he was selling, and made him
	read five years worth of net.singles.  Phew!  Nasty stuff...

BRADLEY:
	And then there was the rubber gavel...

RED:
	Gavels.  He had 'em in all sizes -- small as a pencil, big as a
	grand piano.  He could toss his normal-sized one across a room and
	hit someone square on the noggin.  Liked to use it, too.

BRADLEY:
	Red, of all his associates we know of, you knew him best.  Did you
	ever find out where he came from?

RED [shakes head slowly]:  
	No, sir.  Always figured he was some kinda computer jockey, with the
	net and all; and he read an awful lotta funny books.  But he never
	mentioned it where he was from, or how he did all his tricks.

	[CLOSE-UP of RED]

	For all I know, he'd been here forever...

[SCENE CHANGE to a black-and-white, rather grainy photograph of L.
	Ron Hubbard, tied up and gagged, being carried out of the SPC
	courtroom by several large green alien creatures wearing "Dianetics"
	T-shirts]

SAFER [Voice-over]: 
	In early 1985, when Judge Wapner's cases began to be posted in the
	USENET newsgroups (first net.flame, then the short-lived
	net.bizarre), a change began to occur in the courts docket.  Where
	the cases tried in Stupid People's Court had before been contained
	to members and matters of the Usenet community, the new cases began
	to judge social and cultural causes that were prevalent in the US.
	While TV clergymen and psychologists seemed to make up the bulk of
	the defendants, people in the worlds of literature and entertainment
	were also singled out for Judge Moriarty Wapner's unique brand of
	justice.  Frank Sinatra was labeled a "squealer" and handed over to
	some of his aquaintences in the Mafia.  L. Ron Hubbard was turned
	over to aliens from outer space who had become converted
	Scientologists.  

	And in what is, perhaps, the Stupid People's Court's most famous
	case, various Saturday Morning Cartoon characters were tried and
	found guilty of polluting the mind of small children.  The sentence
	followed Wapner's long-standing rule of "let the punishment fit the
	crime": all of the offending characters were stuffed into a Masters
	of the Universe lunch pail and run over with David Letterman's steam
	roller.

[SCENE CHANGE -- a cabin in northern Minnesota.  Seated on a couch
	are a large, dense-looking moose and a flying squirrel with a WWI
	flying ace's helmet and goggles on.  Facing them is MIKE WALLACE.]

WALLACE: 
	So, I understand that you gentlemen instigated what has been called
	"The Saturday Morning Massacre"?

BULLWINKLE:
	Well, I wouldn't say we, uh, insta..., insti..., instuh...

ROCKY:
	Instigated, Bullwinkle -- he means started.

BULLWINKLE:
	Oh.  Yeah, we did that.

ROCKY:	
	We thought cartoons weren't trying to entertain kids anymore;
	instead, they were just trying to sell toys and stuff.

BULLWINKLE [with head up high]:
	WE never did any a' that stuff on OUR show, Mr. Rather!

WALLACE [looking perturbed and intense]:  
	That's Wallace, Mr. Moose.  Mike Wallace.  And what about all those
	boxes of Cheerios you sold when your show was on the air?

ROCKY:  Well, SOMEONE had to pay the bills.  At least it didn't have much
	sugar...

BULLWINKLE: 
	Besides, I love Cheerios!  It taste just like 3-week-old dry twigs
	in the Minnesota forestland, Mr. Donaldson.

WALLACE [turning red]:  
	That's WALLACE, moose.  Ace muckraker for 60 Minutes.  Ever-vigilant
	newsman.  Sex symbol.  Anyway, you took your case to Stupid People's
	Court; what happened?

ROCKY:	
	Well, most folks I know read the transcripts, but the Judge and us
	were attacked by a whole bunch of robots and Smurfs and He-Man
	himself.

BULLWINKLE:
	I think we'd have been goners fer shure if the Judge hadn't called
	up that little sailor man with the big forearms.

WALLACE:
	I understand that all these... creatures were destroyed in the
	climatic battle scene.

ROCKY:
	Yeah, most were stuffed in that lunch box, though I think He-Man got
	away... he didn't look too good, though.  His voice was real high,
	and [begins to blush], well, he was holding, um, holding his...

BULLWINKLE [patting ROCKY on the shoulder]:  
	The boy's a little shy, Mr.  Cronkite; what he's trying to say is
	that He-Man kinda had both of his names, uh, invalidated.

ROCKY [smiling]:  
	Bullwinkle, that's terrific!  That word had five syllables in it!

WALLACE [frothing at the mouth and completely ignoring everyone]:  
	WALLACE!  WALLACE!  I make millions of businessman wet their pants
	every YEAR!  I give heart attacks to CEO's when I show up at their
	office!  I made Richard Nixon's life a LIVING HELL!

BULLWINKLE [brightly]:  
	'Scuse me, but I think you're thinkin' of Dan Rather...

WALLACE [losing it]:
	ARGGGGGHHHH!

[CUT TO:  MORLEY SAFER in his 60 Minute's chair]:

SAFER:
	But Wapner's metamorphosis from network hazer to cultural
	stone-caster had by no means completed its path.  By the later half
	of 1985, Judge Moriarty Wapner had embroiled himself in several
	mainstream political issues.  It was no surprise to anyone, given
	his dislike of TV preachers, that Jerry Falwell was the first such
	celebrity to be placed on the Stupid People's Court's docket...

[CUT TO: DIANE SAWYER sitting in a oak-lined office, across from JERRY
	FALWELL, who sports a Cheshire Cat smile]

[CLOSE-UP on SAWYER]

SAWYER: Rev. Falwell, is it true that in November of 1985 you were taken to
	the place known as Stupid People's Court...

[WIDE-SHOT with both SAWYER and FALWELL]

FALWELL:
	Well, Ma'am, I *went* there, but it t'weren't my idea.  I was told
	I'd been chosen to host QUEEN FOR A DAY and was given the SPC
	address...

SAWYER:
	Nevertheless, Rev., were you tried before Judge Moriarty Wapner?

FALWELL [smile fading to faintness]:
	Well, not by any legal definition.  Judge Wapner is hardly the arm
	of the United States judicial system.

SAWYER:	
	But he did go through some semblance of a trial.

FALWELL [with pronounced distaste]:  
	Yah.

SAWYER: 
	And what was the decision that the Judge ruled upon you.

FALWELL [frowning]:  
	His tiny mind could not conceive of the good that I was trying to
	bring to a sinful world, and he ruled incorrectly -- no doubt with
	the hand of Satan guiding his gavel.

SAWYER [raising those huge eyebrows]:  
	He threw his gavel at you?

FALWELL [rubbing his jaw, as if massaging a soreness]:
	Damn right.

SAWYER:	
	And what punishment did he assign to you, Rev. Falwell?

FALWELL [Cheshire Grin turned on, as if by a switch]:
	Why, I'm afraid I can't remember, Miss...

SAWYER: 
	Ms.

FALWELL [grin slips a little as he pronounces word]:
	...MS. Sawyer; it's been such a long time ago, and I've been so busy
	doin' the work of the Lord, and aiding the Righteous.

SAWYER [checking notepad]:  
	Several eyewitnesses at the trial remembered...  according to my no-

FALWELL [looking frantically around the room]:  
	'Scuse me, Ms. Sawyer, but I think I hear the Lord callin' me...
	fraid I have to go...

SAWYER: 
	...according to my notepad, the Judge referred you to a "higher
	authority"...

FALWELL [running around the room, talking to the ceiling]:
	What's that, Lord?  I left the iron on at home?  I better get over
	there right away and turn it off!  Thanks for the info!

SAWYER: 
	... in short, he had you spend five minutes with Jesus Christ.

FALWELL [face falls; frenetic pace stalls; returns to his chair looking
	downbeat]:  
	Well, he SAID it was Jesus Christ...

SAWYER [looking incredulous]:  
	Didn't Ch... didn't the person you talked to LOOK like Christ?

FALWELL [almost apologetically]:  
	The Judge said that Christ appears to people in a form they need Him
	to appear in.

SAWYER: 
	So He didn't look like our classical image of Christ.

FALWELL [head down, voice low]:  
	No, ma'am.

SAWYER [somewhat breathlessly]:  
	Who DID He appear as?

FALWELL [his voice so low as to be almost non-existent]:
	Sugar Ray Leonard.

SAWYER [Astonished]:  
	SUGAR RAY LEONARD?

FALWELL [rubbing jaw]: 
	Hit like him, too... [looks to a point behind Sawyer]
	By the way, ma'am, I've been meaning to ask you about that penguin
	behind you...

[SAWYER spins around, gags, and then looks straight at the camera]

SAWYER [Angry and belligerent]:  
	Breathed!  Take your damn penguin out of here NOW!!!

VOICE [having the nasal, inoffensive tones of a flightless waterfowl]:
	Oh, Diane, I lust for your ankles...

[CUT TO SAFER back in 60 Minutes studio]

SAFER:	
	The disappearance of Ed Meese over parts of January, 1986 was also
	attributed to several encounters with the SPC, and CBS sources
	indicate that these trials did not deal strictly with the
	shenanigans Meese himself perpetrated.  The last SPC case known to
	any news sources occurred in April of 1986, and showed that Judge MW
	had returned to cases of "cultural significance" to some extent.
	While the case was a closed one -- not even transcripts were
	released -- this videotape from an independent Asian news source is
	thought to document the "punishment" meted out in this last Stupid
	People's Court trial.

[CUT TO a grain videotape, showing what appears to be a jungle scene
	somewhere in Asia.  Dominating the right and middle portions of the
	picture is a large bamboo cage, hung from overhanging branches, and
	tightly held together with cloth.  On the left side of the picture,
	TWO ORIENTAL MEN in black pajamas and cloth headbands are observing
	the contents of the cage, which appear to be CHUCK NORRIS and
	SYLVESTER STALLONE.  NORRIS is tied up in the right corner, with a
	gag in his mouth and wearing the army fatigues he often appears in
	during his various films.  A large dark stain covers the crotch area
	of his pants.  STALLONE is wearing the sweat-stained T-shirt,
	headband and fatigue pants of his Rambo role; but his eyes are large
	and frantic, and his hands are shaking as he stares at the TWO MEN
	standing outside the cage.]

FIRST MAN [turning to his companion]:
	Time to show them "GODZILLA: 1986" again?

SECOND MAN [studying STALLONE]:
	Think so...

STALLONE [looking directly at camera while futilely shaking the bars of his
	  prison cage]:
	BRIDGETTE!  GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!

[CUT TO SAFER in 60 minutes studio]

SAFER:	It was later discovered that this was not taken in the province of
	Vietnam, but in a section of the new Tokyo Disneyland theme park.

[CUT TO: ED BRADLEY, standing once again in the empty chambers of Stupid
	 People's Court, before the Judge's bench.]

BRADLEY:
	But there is where it ends.  For that piece of videotape is the last
	clue, the last remnant, that anyone has heard... of Judge Moriarty
	Wapner.

[BRADLEY begins to walk across the dusty courtroom, and the camera follows
	his echoing footsteps]

	In late March of 1986, it came to the attention of the news media
	that no cases had been publically tried in Stupid People's Court for
	over two months.  The transcripts of such cases had ended in
	December of 1985; rather than posting the court records to a general
	audience, they were mailed out to individuals on a "SPC Mailing
	List", over the Usenet network, probably due to several pointed
	comments the Judge had made about the quality of net.bizarre.  An
	NBC news crew arrived at the courtroom on April 2nd to discover it
	neglected and abandoned... as it is today.

[CUT TO BRADLEY interviewing RED in the court]

BRADLEY:
	Red, when did you last hear from him?

RED:	
	Well now, not since that Stallone/Norris thing in March.  See, he'd
	usually call me up when he needed me as bailiff, to clean the place
	up and stuff... but ever since January -- of 1986 -- I hadn't heard
	much from him.  Real busy with something else, I figured.  And right
	after those two movie guys were carried off to Japan, well, he came
	down and told me that he wouldn't need me to stop by and clean the
	joint up every week.  But he said that he'd keep me on retainer, and
	I've been gettin' a check from his estate every week, just like
	clockwork.
	
	Well, the next thing I knew it was April, and all you TV newspeople
	wanted to know where he'd gone.  As if I knew.  [shows some emotion]
	By Jingo, if a man ain't got the right to take a vacation sometime,
	we might as well be livin' in the You-Ess-Ess-Ahr.

BRADLEY [Surprised]:
	He's on vacation?!

RED [subdued]:  
	Well, no sir, I don't know; but that's what I figured.  [looks
	pensive].  But he has been gone a long time, ain't he?

[CUT TO: SAFER in 60 Minutes studio]

SAFER:	
	Thus, we are left with no real clues as to the whereabouts of the
	enigmatic barrister.  He could be dead, or held hostage, or hiding;
	no one really knows for sure.  We asked several persons, mostly
	journalists, but all either knowing him or having followed his
	career, for their opinion of his current status.

[CUT TO small office crammed with paper, typewriter, awards, pictures of
	famous people with signatures.  GEORGE WILL is being questioned by
	DIANE SAWYER]

SAWYER:	How do you see Judge Moriarty Wapner?

WILL:	
	A salve on the consciousness of a decade.  A lunatic vigilante with
	an uneven mental pattern and, at best, a shakey understanding of
	post-humanistic morality.  Not so much a person as a cultural force
	and media event, symbiotically associated.  I believe Winston
	Churchill best capsulized it in his description of Bugs Bunny: "One
	Bad Mutha".

SAWYER: 
	And do you think he's dead?

WILL [staring blankly out into space]:
	Naaaaaahhhh....

[CUT TO: A fashionable West L.A. beach house overlooking the Pacific.
 WHOOPI GOLDBERG is being interviewed by MORLEY SAFER]

SAFER:	
	There are rumors that Judge Moriarty Wapner of Stupid People's Court
	proposed marriage to you several times.

GOLDBERG:
	Get serious.

SAFER:	
	Do you think he's alive?

GOLDBERG:
	Look... nobody that crazy EVER dies.

[CUT TO: David Letterman behind desk on his TV program.  DIANE SAWYER is
	asking him questions from the guest seat.]

SAWYER:	
	Did Judge Moriarty Wapner ever appear on your show?

LETTERMAN [looking serious]:
	He did once, back in 1985.  But Paul was so impressed that he tried
	to take Red's place as bailiff. [General audience laughter; LETTERMAN
	grins].  Ha ha ha.  No, just kidding; I actually own Paul.  Ha ha
	ha.  [looks down behind DIANE's seat]  Well!  I see you brought a
	penguin for Stupid Pet Tricks.

VOICE OFFSCREEN [again, nasal twang of flightless you-know-who]:
	Still trying to get by on a rapidly failing boyish charm, eh,
	Letterman?

LETTERMAN [grimacing]:
	Give that @$#! bird out of here.

[CUT TO: book-filled study where BILL MOYERS is being interviewed by MIKE
	WALLACE]

WALLACE:
	You've followed this story over the last few years...

MOYERS:	
	No, no I haven't, really.

WALLACE [startled]:
	Well... do you have any idea what happened to Judge MW?

MOYERS:	
	Really, Mike, who cares?  This man doesn't represent the government,
	or the people, or our culture, or anyone I can identify.  He's a
	one-man fringe group, but the media takes him to be some kind of
	icon for the way the wind's blowing.  In my opinion, he's nothing
	in the Big Picture.

WALLACE [snidely]:
	Which you have plenty of time to study now that you're back working
	for the second-stringers, huh?

MOYERS:	
	Bite the big one, Mike.

[CUT TO:  ED BRADLEY in the editor's office of PEOPLE magazine.  BRADLEY is
	speaking to EDITOR.]

BRADLEY:
	Do you have any opinions on what happened to Judge Moriarty Wapner?

[Silence.  EDITOR looks confused]

BRADLEY [slowly]:
	You know... of Stupid People's Court?

EDITOR [blankly]:
	Unhh... is he royalty?

[CUT TO:  Cafe in San Francisco.  DIANE SAWYER is interviewing SAM KINNISON,
	a heavyset, long-haired man wearing a beret and a huge ugly jacket.
	This is obviously one of those quiet, peaceful coffeehouses.]

SAWYER:
	Sam, you knew Judge MW to talk to him; what do you think happened to
	him.

KINNISON [looking attentive and thoughtful]:
	Well, Diane, I didn't know him very well; but after a lot of thought
	-- and I have been giving this a lot of thought -- I think...
	[suddenly begins screaming]  

	THE NBC CENSORS GOT HIM!  YAH!  THAT'S RIGHT!  THE GOD-DAMNED $%#@!
	%$@!#$ NBC CENSORS!  AND THEN THEY GRABBED HIM BY HIS %$@$%! AND 

	[picks up coffee table and flings in through nearby plate glass
	window] 

	AND PUSHED HIM THROUGH A %$@! COOKIE PRESS!!

	[Sits down again and composes himself]

	At least, that's what *I* think.

[CUT TO:  ED BRADLEY interviewing HENRY KISSINGER inside of a Cleveland
 McDonald's]

KISSINGER:
	Well, Ed, while many of my colleagues may be taking this matter
	lightly, I can only see this as a sign of a Euro-African disapproval
	of individualistic American policy.

BRADLEY:
	Are you saying that you think this is the doing of some foreign
	nationals?

KISSINGER:
	I'm saying that if I were running the State Department, heads would
	roll.

[Hand from offstage holds out a large McDonalds bag]

VOICE OFFSTAGE [female, enthusiastic]:  Here's your order, Dr. Kissinger!

KISSINGER [clutching bag and walking offstage, his eyes glinting]:
	Oh, boy, I chust love these Big Macs...

[CUT to SAFER at 60 Minutes studio.  Stopwatch is in background again,
	ticking away]

SAFER:	
	So, we end this program as we started it: with a mystery, an enigma
	garbed in dark robes, clutching a rubber mallet.  He may be dead; he
	may be in exile.  We may see him tomorrow, or we may never see him
	again.  But one thing is for sure:  we will not soon forget Stupid
	People's Court, or Judge Moriarty Wapner.

	[Left camera view of SAFER.  Picture of mailbox in background]

	On our segment last week about women bodybuilders running for
	Congress in the 8th Florida district, we received many letters like
	this one [letter appears in the background, written in a rich
	elegant manner]:  "I thought that this episode showed the fighting
	spirit of the American people in their fight against Albanian
	terrorism.  Bravo, 60 Minutes!  Signed, Geraldo Rivera, Miami, FL."
	But other viewers felt differently [letter appears in the background,
	apparently written with crayons]: "Once again your weak-sister
	approach has molly-coddled the people the US Constitution was set up
	to kill.  I hope all your kids burn up in a car crash.  Signed, Fred
	Mertz, The Ricardo Building, 1958".  [SAFER smiles happily] And,
	finally, one of those unique and all-encompassing points-of-view
	[letter appears in background, where all the letters have been cut
	out from a newspaper and pasted onto the stationary]:  "Dear Diane,
	Send us $60,000 or we release the penguin.  And you know where he'll
	go.  Signed, M. B., Bloom County" 

	[Opposite profile of SAFER; background shows title called "A few
	 minutes with Andy Rooney"]

	And now, a few observations from Andy Rooney.

[CUT TO: cluttered office with typewriter in foreground.  To the left, we can
 see a elderly, pugnacious Irishman tied up and hung over a coat-hook, a gag
 in his mouth.  In the center of the picture, behind the typewriter, is a
 fadingly youthful man with a close-cut brown beard, wearing black judicial
 robes and holding a rubber gavel in one hand.  He is addressing the camera.]

JMW:	
	You know what really bothers me?  Those plastic inflatable
	Godzillas.  You see them all over the country, in store fronts or
	restaurants or gift stores or any other joint that wants to show
	they're hip and with it and can tell the difference between Madonna
	and Beverly Sills.  Another thing that bothers me are people who
	leave the TV on in the background when you're talking to them, even
	though they're not watching and some tripe like "Love Connection" or
	"People's Court" or "The Newlywed Game" is on.  And, y'know, I think
	the BIGGEST gripe I have is politicians and military people who lie,
	and then a few days later tell another story and expect people to
	believe it, just like that.  And who stick me in the White House
	basement for eight months.

	[Begins slowly rapping gavel on desk]

	People like that should be... 

	[his eyes begin to gleam, and the camera begins a slow zoom on his
	face] 

	they should be...

	[gavel begins pounding faster and faster] 

	taken, yeah, that's it, taken...

	[picture is now only two maniacal eyes while the rapid beat of the
	gavel resounds in the background] 
	
	taken, taken, taken to...

			STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!

	[Picture fades to black, except for the two glowing eyes]

	Guess what, America?  The Judge is back...
	
		...and heaven help the idiots.

[FADE TO BLACK, as the stopwatch's TICK-TICK-TICK grows in the background]

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

  If you've got a flame, don't take it to the net.  Take it to court.

		   ****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******

============================================================================

			"You know what I wish?  I wish all the scum of the
			 Net had one throat and I had my hands about it."
			 			-- Rorschach (1985)

					Judge Moriarty Wapner
					Stupid People's Court

COMMENTS:     spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
SUBMISSIONS:  spc@tc.fluke.COM
Manual UUCP:  {uw-beaver, sun, allegra, hplsla, lbl-csam}!fluke!spc-request

DISCLAIMER:The ideas, opinions and implied snide remarks used above do not
	   necessarily represent the views of my employers.  They are 
	   entirely out of my dark and furtive imagination.


From moriarty Wed Oct 14 02:16:09 1987
Flags: 000000000201
From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (Judge Moriarty Wapner)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.spc
Subject: And now... It's LETTERS TO JUDGE WAPNER
Summary: I'm not dead yet!
Message-ID: <1989@sputnik.COM>
Date: 14 Oct 87 05:15:24 GMT
Sender: Unknown@tc.fluke.COM
Reply-To: spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
Organization: Stupid People's Court
Lines: 299
Approved: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM

[OPENING SHOT: A 27-inch television flat-screen television set.
 The sound is off, but it shows several baseball players pouring 
 champagne over one anothers' heads while program credits roll in 
 the foreground.  CLOSE-UP on screen.]

[Baseball players begin carrying each other on their shoulders as 
 the sound suddenly comes on]

VOICE-OVER:  Due to the length of the televised execution of George
             Steinbrenner, the Tuesday Movie-Of-The-Week, "Oprah Cleans Out
             Hickory Farms", has been preempted.  Instead, we bring you a
             brand-spanking-new episode of STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT.

             Look, it was this or Geraldo Rivera's new show.

[Scene dissolves to giant cursive letters on a sky-blue 
 background, spelling out "Ask Judge Wapner".  A cheerful 
 theme plays in the background.]

VOICE-OVER [sounds vaguely like the voice-over for the Pat Stevens 
            show]:  

            And now, it's time for a special Viewer's Mail edition of STUPID
            PEOPLE'S COURT.  And here's Judge Moriarty Wapner now.

[Scene dissolves to close-up of a judicial bench surrounded by green and
 ivory pastel walls. JUDGE MORIARTY WAPNER sits behind the bench, visible
 only from his chest up due to the high benchtop, a two-day growth of beard
 darkening his face.  He is wearing a turtleneck shirt under his judicial
 robes, and an unruly pile of envelopes and stationary are piled to the
 right side of the bench.  We find him with his attention centered on an
 issue of THE NEW REPUBLIC, its cover illustration showing William Shatner
 shaking his finger at someone, and sporting the headline "What's all this
 about Klingons on the bridge, then?"  Upon noticing the camera, he puts
 down the magazine and faces us.]

JUDGE MW:    What with the football strike and Queen Elizabeth on a rampage
             through British Columbia, things have been rather quiet at
             Stupid People's Court of late.  My producers suggested that
             given the lack of court activity, I should take the time to
             answer some of the mail we receive at the Court.

[Leans back in chair while tapping out "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina" with
 his gavel]

             Besides, with Bork doubling his efforts to publicly
             self-destruct before Congress, I figure any time in the public
             eye will increase my chances for an appointment to Court El
             Supremo.  Now if I can just think of something blatantly
             anti-Communist quip that will get Ronnie's limited attention...

             Unfortunately, the only network spot open for my program today
             was in this afternoon talk-show zone, and I've been told that
             I'll have to "appeal to the market"... which is why they moved
             my bench and me to THIS place.  [points to pastel walls with
             gavel and grimaces] They say the colors appeal to "domestic
             viewers".  All I know is that we got the paint off the set of
             MIAMI VICE -- Don Johnson gave it to us in exchange for a dime
             bag and copies of the three positive reviews of his record
             album.  [Waves gavel at viewers] But don't think this is going
             to make me any more lenient with you turkeys.  I'm still the
             same bad-tempered, eccentric, LaRouche-hunting basket case
             you've all come to ignore.

             Well, let's get to your letters...

[Judge Wapner pulls a piece of stationary off the top of the pile]

             Mrs. A. Q. Rooney of Philistine, Virginia, writes in to ask,
             "Why haven't you gone after that awful Jim and Tammy Bakker
              couple?  These charlatans have bilked thousands of people out
              of their hard-earned dollars; they deserve the full attention
              of Stupid People's Court!"

             Well, Mrs. Rooney, as a student of religious mutant behavior, I
             won't argue that few couples present more opportunity for
             analysis than these two.  But let's face it -- the Bakkers have
             been lampooned from Dennis Miller all the way down to Bob Hope.
             I prefer to work on ground that hasn't been trodden over so
             thoroughly.

             Besides, anyone who would send in money to build a "religious
             theme park" has lost a lot of my sympathy right off.  I mean, I
             got through MY baptism without going down a Davey Crockett
             River Ride first...  One wonders what they'd do for a
             circumcision.

[Grabs another letter]

             A request for information: Paul Ashworthy of Woorhaven, Kansas
             asks:
             "Has Phil Collins written or performed ANY music that hasn't
              been turned into a Michelob commercial?"

             Paul, I'm afraid you've been misinformed about Mr. Collin's
             occupation.  Phil writes music FOR commercials -- however, many
             of his jingles have become so popular that they've been
             marketed through the record industry.  Phil started his career
             with Genesis, a group of Madison Avenue composers who were
             assembled and promoted by The Beatrice Corporation; many of
             their songs transcended the products they were designed to
             promote.  "Invisible Touch", for instance, was written for a
             60-second spot promoting a new brand of douche; and Phil's
             later solo hit, "Tonight's the Night", was originally designed
             to advertise Milk of Magnesia before Michelob contracted him
             for an exclusive five-commercial deal.

[The Judge shrugs] 

             So, hey, give Phil a break.  He's short and stocky, he's lost
             most of his hair, and you can't understand what's he's saying
             unless he's singing.

[A postcard is selected from the stack]

             A foreign missive... A Ms. Christie BonTemp from Monaco asks:
             "Was that you shelling Princess Stephanie's summer house from
              an unmarked fishing trawler last week?"

[Judge MW leans back in his chair, stroking his chin and looking at the 
 ceiling]

             Hmmm... lessee... [faces camera] Tuesday or Wednesday?

[Leans forward and reaches for another letter] 

             Next...

             Well, here's something from one of our younger viewers, a Mr.
             Timmy Aspersion of Whittier, California.  Timmy writes: 
             "Dear Judge Wapner: Why does God let prejudice and hate exist
              in this country?  Thanks. Your friend, Timmy."

[Judge puts letter down, leans back into his chair and gazes thoughtfully
 off-screen].

             Well, Timmy, that's certainly one of the tougher questions put
             to me on this show; let me see if I can't answer it the way my
             Mom did when I was your age...

[The Judge shifts forward, leaning his arms on the bench and staring
 intently into the camera]

             Because!  Now go clean up your room.

[Another letter is taken from the pile]

             Here's a local inquiry from one of my fellow Pacific
             Northwesterners: Buzzby Berkeley of Vader, Washington asks,
             "Why is the Trojan Nuclear Reactor in Kelso, Washington, named
              after a brand of condoms?"

             Buzz, the rather unusual moniker for this atomic power plant is
             an allusion to a quote by famed author Sylvia Plantagenet.  In
             her 1972 essay, "Just the facts, Ma'am", she wrote, "Trojans
             are only as reliable as the men who use them, and that's not
             saying very much."  Local Kelso residents found this
             particularly appropriate when plans for the reactor's
             construction were announced.

[Suddenly, the Judge's attention is diverted offstage, as a technician
 appears from Stage Right and hands him a sheet of paper.  The Judge scans
 the paper as the technician walks off-screen.  He finally looks up with a
 stern expression on his face]

             Sorry for the interruption -- this bulletin just in.
             Government sources have just announced that misc.legal is being
             flooded with thousands of dummy "drug debate" articles which
             have been treated with the toxic chemical paraquat.
             Subscribers of misc.legal are entreated to place the keyword
             "drugs" in their KILL files, or at the very least to have their
             personal articles tested for paraquat by a qualified lab
             technician.

             Well, I think we only have time for two or three more
             letters...  

[grabs one off the top]

             Tozel Gruber of Insk-Minsk-Pinsk, New Jersey, inquires, 
             "Why don't you go after {name deleted} and {name deleted} on
              soc.religion.funny?  They've been jamming up the ether for the
              last few months with their back-and-forth name-calling and
              allegations of {political bias deleted}, {sexual bias deleted}
              and leprechaun-squashing.  Why haven't you flamed these putzes
              into the Stone Age?"

[Judge looks at camera with an honest, forthright and no-nonsense expression
 on his face]

             Because no one's paid me enough.  Yet.

             Next.

[Another letter is picked]

             Tom Cruise of Beverly Hills, California asks:
             "Hey, who's this Brad Templeton guy who moderates
              rec.humor.funny?  Is he a Canuck?  What are his
              qualifications?  Can he make love to Kelly McGillis in the
              cockpit of an F-15?  Thanks a helluva lot!  Tom."

             Tom, Brad is a hard-working, decent guy who hails from Canada.
             He comes from a very funny family, and his brother Ty is
             renowned for making fun of Satan and old Italian poets.  I
             don't know if he's ever gotten Kelly in an F-15.  I DO know
             that he's the kind of fella I'd be happy to have my sister
             marry, except that she's already married, and two
             brother-in-laws would be kinda touch to shop for at Christmas.
             OK?

             And here's the last one...

[Judge picks up glowing red envelope from the pile, and rips it open].

             Philbert Desinex of Otter Guts, Wyoming, repeats a question
             oft-asked over the last few months: 
             "Hey, Judge!  You awake out there?  How come we haven't seen
              jack #$@! outta you since May?  Get with it, wimp!  Love,
              Dad."

[Judge faces camera and blushes.  He lowers his head and speaks in voice
 choked with shame]

             I guess many of you must feel pretty disappointed in me -- let
             down that I haven't been more prolific.  Certainly no one feels
             worse about this than I do -- especially with the excuses I've
             given, like an extended vacation, heavy workload and that
             three-weeks of cotton-picking I need for my Fluke engineering
             certification.  Actually, these alibis were all ruses, meant to
             lead you on and draw attention away from my REAL project...

[Looks up at camera with a candid, wry expression]

             Back in March of this year, Glenn Gordon Caron asked me to help
             him with a hush-hush project for the 1987-1988 season of his
             hit TV series, MOONLIGHTING.  Since I've known Glenn and the
             members of the MOONLIGHTING cast for such a long time, I was
             only too happy to aid him in whatever madcap plot twist he had
             planned.  My collusion with him on this caper has required my
             seclusion from my normal judicial activities over the last few
             months, and probably over the next month or two, as well.

             However, so as not to disappoint the readers of rec.humor.spc
             any further, I'll begin re-posting transcripts from the Stupid
             People's Court archives, many of which have not been seen for
             the last four years.  These "repeats" will start next week, and
             continue with one posting per-week for the next eight or nine
             weeks -- each one will have a "(REPOST)" label in the title
             line.  A new SPC case might pop up somewhere during this time
             -- it will depend on what my doctors say I'm capable of.

[Looks covertly to his left and right, and then leans forward and speaks in
 a low tone]

             You know, I'm not supposed to tell ANYONE what I'm involved in
             -- but heck, you people deserve something after the SPC dry
             spell you've been through.  All I ask is that you don't breath
             a word to TV Guide...

[Judge Moriarty Wapner gets to his feet with some difficulty; we can only
 see him from the chest up behind the imposing judicial bench. He steps down
 from behind the bench, and the camera suddenly captures him in a full side
 shot -- to reveal a huge swelling beneath the middle of his judicial robes.
 The Judge beams to the camera]

             Yup... I'm pregnant with Maddie's twins.  Glen figures that
             nobody expected me to be the father... and Cybil couldn't have
             been nicer about it.

             Of course, the real twist will be later in the season, when the
             two twin boys will be sent back in time, and it will turn out
             that one grows up to be Sam, and the other one grows up to be
             David...

             Anyway, I'll begin posting those SPC transcripts next week.
             Just remember, even while I'm under anesthesia in the delivery
             room...

  If you've got a flame, don't take it to the net.  Take it to court.

		   ****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******

============================================================================

			"You know what I wish?  I wish all the scum of the
			 Net had one throat and I had my hands about it."
			 			-- Rorschach (1985)

					Judge Moriarty Wapner
					Stupid People's Court

COMMENTS:     spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
SUBMISSIONS:  spc@tc.fluke.COM
Manual UUCP:  {uw-beaver, sun, allegra, hplsla, lbl-csam}!fluke!spc-request

DISCLAIMER:The ideas, opinions and implied snide remarks used above do not
	   necessarily represent the views of my employers.  They are 
	   entirely out of my dark and furtive imagination.


From spc-request@tc.fluke.COM Wed Oct 21 01:54:05 1987
Flags: 000000000201
From: spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
Newsgroups: rec.humor.spc
Subject: REPOST #1:  The Case of the Rampant KnuckleHeads
Summary: Repost of Sept., 1984 episode of Stupid People's Court
Message-ID: <2051@sputnik.COM>
Date: 21 Oct 87 04:53:06 GMT
Sender: news@tc.fluke.COM
Reply-To: spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
Organization: Stupid People's Court
Lines: 173
Approved: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM

RETROSPECTIVE:

Well, this is it... the very first Stupid People's Court ever published, way
back in September of 1984.  You can tell just how ancient it is by the
"net."  prefixes contained in it.  And, oh-so-properly, it made its debut in
that Old Testament hell-hole called net.flame.  Ken Kaufman, who probably
isn't even alive anymore, made a suggestion that someone take a pair of
posters of particularly loathsome flamers to The People's Court... and of
course, SPC was born (immaculately, as 'twere).

Of course, some of you neophytes will probably read this and wonder what
kind of Dark Age Usenet was experiencing during 1984.  Massive
flame-battles!  Inappropriate cross-posting into eight or nine different
newsgroups!  Name-calling!  Whining!  Tantrums!  Legal Threats!

Hard to believe, isn't it?  Luckily, net-kind realized that they were
tripping down the path to self-destruction, and averted the Apocalypse by
casting Ken Ardnt into the mouth of Mt. Doom.  Ken actually enjoyed the
experience (he has built a summer cabin there), but everything else posted
in net.flame after the Ardnt-Casting seemed like something of an
anti-climax, and the newsgroup was finally dissolved from ennui.

Since then, Usenet has been a haven for calm, rational discussion.  However,
in the interests of historical research, re-enactments of flame-wars are
occasionally staged in various newsgroups, usually misc.legal.  If you are
interested in hosting one of these re-created spitting matches for a
wedding, birthday or bar mitzvah, drop a line to Repertory Firm of Flor,
Maroney, Weiner and Brahms, a null-profit organization.

======================================================================

Newsgroups: net.flame
Subject: Stupid People's Court

Say, Ken Kaufman suggests an interesting idea....

CAMERA OPENS ON CROWDED COURTROOM:

Voice-over announcer:  Yes, it's time to start another session of STUPID
		       PEOPLE'S COURT, Judge Moriarty Wapner presiding (and
		       sitting in for David Letterman...).  Today it's The
		       Case of The Rampant Knuckleheads. The baliff is
		       bringing them in now:

(Uniformed Officer leads two net.flamers in by their collars...)

Baliff:			ALL RISE FOR JUDGE WAPNER!

Judge MW:		No need, I'm just reading net.singles...  Read the
		        charges.

Baliff:			The Defendant, Mr. Mewling J. Loudmouth, is charged
			with slandering the Plantiff, Ms. Sensitive M.
			Humourless, in a series of 312 net articles.

Judge MW:		You may remove their blinders, baliff.

(Baliff removes the hoods covering the plantiff and defendant's heads;
 instantly upon seeing each other, they begin frothing at the mouth,
 screaming, and jabbing their fingers as if trying to hit 'f' keys.
 Luckily the baliff has their collars tied to different ends of the
 room, so they cannot tear each other apart and leave the court stuck
 with the cleanup bill...)

S. Humorless:		You pond-sucking scum!  You monstrous, humorless
			bigot!  Your <edited out for our younger readers> is
			the size of an aggie!

M. Loudmouth:		You can't repress me, you fascist cow!  Free Speech,
			you fascist slug, is something I must have on the
			net!  Or else the Constitution will fail, the courts
			will dry up, and my employers will fire me since I
			no longer look busy while posting articles.  You
			fascist fascist!!

S. Humorless:		Invertebrate!  Mongloid!  Jockstrap-Breath!

M. Loudmouth:		Pig! Leper!  You have rhino acne!

S. Humorless:		Queer!

M. Loudmouth:		Lesbian!

S. Humorless:		#$@*! You!!

M. Loudmouth:		#$@*! #$@*! You!

S. Humorless:		#$@*! #$@*! #$@*! You!

M. Loudmouth:		Yo' Mama!

Judge MW:		I think that's enough.  Bring them before the bench,
			baliff.

(Baliff tightens choke chain and drags them to the front of the court)

Baliff:			Walkies!

Judge MW:		Mr. Loudmouth, how many newsgroups did you send the
			original article to?

M. Loudmouth:		Why... ALL of them, your honor.

Judge MW:		Can you explain your actions?

M. Loudmouth:		It was a topic of universal importance, your honor!

Judge MW:		Even to net.sportsfishing?

M. Loudmouth:		ESPECIALLY there, sir!  I understand they're big
			fans of my postings in the smaller newsgroups.

Judge MW (under breath): Another insanity pleading...
			How many groups did you post to, Ms. Humorless?

S. Humorless:		Well, after quoting the ENTIRE article in my
			posting, I posted my response to the same number of
			newsgroups.

Judge MW:		ALL of them?!

S. Humorless:		And then I reposted it two days later for those
			people on vacation...

(Judge M. Wapner pulls out huge rubber mallet and bops both plantiff and
 defendant over head with it, knocking them both into a stupor)

Judge MW:		The court finds you both a pair of Ding-Dongs.  From
			now on, KEEP IT IN NET.FLAME!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

So just remember these three rules:

	1) If your posting is just abuse of the originator, mail it, don't
	post it.
	
	2) If it's a boring flame, it's not a flame.  A flame is fun for the
	whole family, wittily written and with a tweek to the original.  If
	it's just a bunch of contradictions, skip it; we don't want to hear
	it, as we are ALL a bunch of flame gourmands here in net.flame...
	
	3) Most importantly, never forget:

		WE'RE ALL BOZOS ON THIS BUS!

...because if you do forget the rules, you just might wind up in

		**STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT**

    "If you tell the truth, you must smile.  Otherwise, people will kill you."

==============================================================================

  If you've got a flame, don't take it to the net.  Take it to court.

		   ****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******


			"You know what I wish?  I wish all the scum of the
			 Net had one throat and I had my hands about it."
			 			-- Rorschach (1985)

					Judge Moriarty Wapner
					Stupid People's Court

COMMENTS:     spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
SUBMISSIONS:  spc@tc.fluke.COM
Manual UUCP:  {uw-beaver, sun, allegra, hplsla, lbl-csam}!fluke!spc-request

DISCLAIMER:The ideas, opinions and implied snide remarks used above do not
	   necessarily represent the views of my employers.  They are 
	   entirely out of my dark and furtive imagination.


From spc-request@tc.fluke.COM Thu Oct 29 16:03:01 1987
Flags: 000000000201
From: spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
Newsgroups: rec.humor.spc
Subject: REPOST #2: Stupid People's Court vs. Various Nits
Summary: Repost of Oct., 1984 episode of Stupid People's Court
Message-ID: <2129@sputnik.COM>
Date: 29 Oct 87 22:02:15 GMT
Sender: news@tc.fluke.COM
Reply-To: spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
Organization: Stupid People's Court
Lines: 174
Approved: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM

RETROSPECTIVE:

This, I believe, is from sometime in October or November of 1984 -- the
first several SPC cases were posted in a flurry of creative activity, a
mental ability that has long since departed these ravaged grey cells of
mine.  At the time, net.flame had been having some contradiction volleys
about The One True God, and it was decided that these folks should probably
be brought before the Court of Last Resort.

All things are as they once were, except... YOU ARE THERE.

======================================================================

Subject: Stupid People's Court vs. Various Nits
Newsgroups: net.flame,net.religion,net.misc

<Fade in on Banging of Gavels>

Yes,  live from a damp apartment somewhere in Wallingford, it's

                **** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT ****

Today's case is the Net.flame Public vs. Assorted Religous Zanies. 
Let's listen in...

Baliff:  "All rise for Judge Moriarty Wapner!"

JMW (staring intently at his terminal, and muttering to himself): "How
come nobody mentions 'Mr. Terrific'?  Now *there* was great 60's
TV!..."  (looks up) "Whoops!  Baliff, bring in the defendants."

[Note to trivia fans: Judge Moriarty looks NOTHING like Harry Anderson]

(Baliff opens door to let a swarm of about 20 vague theologians into
the courtroom.  Each is clutching several volumes of religious theory
to their breasts and looking heavenward for something).

JMW:  "Red, read the charges."

Baliff:  "Posting articles to net.flame with no flame content. 
Quibbling over theological issues which hold no interest to the vast
unwashed audience of net.flame.  Arguing endlessly on Mormon's cult
status, and whether Brigham Young really deserved their #1 football
ranking."

JMW:  "Ah, a general boredom case.  Usually, the laws set up by the
founders of Usenet..."
        (Music from 'THE TEN COMMANDMENTS' swells...)
                "...keep this kind of discussion in it's proper place,
net.religion.  But, yea, occasionally the sheep do stray, and they
enter the Land of the Eternal Flame, where the inhabitants live off of
witty and volitile repostes.  And they do procreate, and fill the Land
with discussions that only their flock would have interest of."

Baliff:  "In other words, time for BBQ mutton."

JMW:   "Righto.  Defendants, what do you have to say for yourselves."

Defendant #1:  "Well, as I said in my 20-part series on why God wants a
moderated net, we can see in the scriptures..."

Defendant #2:  "Hold on there.  Who says your religion has any
credentials?  Does it contribute to the United Way?  Does it contribute
to the YWCA?  Does it have the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval?"

Defendant #1:  "Well, we KNOW Christ is on our side!  How come we won
WWII?"

Defendant #3:  "Well, *I* think that God is an amalgimation of The Holy
Spirit, The Bottled Spirit, Will Eisner's Spirit, Glucose, Nutra-Sweet,
man's basic inhibition to **** in the woods,  and the cosmic power that
binds us all."

Defendant #6:  "No, that's not it; you have to look at Judges IV,
chapter III, verse 23, 'For when the Second Coming ariseth, yea, you
shall have signs:  Screwdrivers will be raised against pistols, TV
newspeople will be cloned, Joan Collins will marry, and Doonsebury will
return.'"

Defendant #3:  "Does not!"

Defendant #6:  "Does too!"

Defendant #3:  "Does not!"

Defendant #6:  "Does too!"

Defendant #3:  "Does not!"

Defendant #6:  "Does too!"

Defendant #4:  "I'd just like to take this opportunity to say that I
think the Mormons are *swell*!"

Defendant #3:  "Does not!"

Defendant #6:  "Does too!"

Defendant #3:  "Does not!"

Defendant #6:  "Does too!"

Defendant #3:  "Does not!"

Defendant #6:  "Does too!"

Defendant  #666:  "Well, I think that there are Gods in my TV set! 
They're role models!  Can't you hear them talking to you?  I can!  If
we could all live together like Timmy and Lassie, well, we'd be in
great shape!"

JMW:  "We'd also be in black & white...  I think it's time to get an
expert witness for this case.  Red, call God to the stand."

Baliff:  "Stupid People's Court calls The God of Your Choice to the
stand!"

(Lights dim.  Thunder rolls.  Suddenly, a shaft of brilliant light
appears over the witness stand, and George Burns appears in the chair)

JMW:  "Since we don't want to have to go over 'OH, GOD!' again, let me
ask you just one question:  Do you want these guys representing you in
net.flame?"

God:  "Well, net.flame's more in the province of my counterpart, but
frankly, I wouldn't want these guys representing me *anywhere*!"

JMW:  "Very well, the court bows to The Creator's opinion; let the
punishment fit the crime."

(Lights dim.  Sky splits open.  A huge rubber mallot, resembling the
1000 TON weight that used to appear in early Monty Python sketches
appears over the defendants.  The "BONK" sound effect can be heard for
miles.)

JMW:  "The court would like to thank The Creator for his help."

God:  "No problem.  You still game for Trivial Pursuits at Kurt &
Renee's on Sunday?"

JMW:  "Sure, but only if you're still as lousy at Entertainment as
you've always been."

God: "Nobody's perfect." (looks heavenward) "Beam me up, Scotty."
(Disappears in a glow of Paramount's best optical effects).

JMW:  Just remember, folks:

        1)  Put flames in net.flames... not flameless followups.

        2)  In the eyes of the Lord, we're all Bozos.

======================================================================

  If you've got a flame, don't take it to the net.  Take it to court.

		   ****** STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT!! ******


			"You know what I wish?  I wish all the scum of the
			 Net had one throat and I had my hands about it."
			 			-- Rorschach (1985)

					Judge Moriarty Wapner
					Stupid People's Court

COMMENTS:     spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
SUBMISSIONS:  spc@tc.fluke.COM
Manual UUCP:  {uw-beaver, sun, allegra, hplsla, lbl-csam}!fluke!spc-request

DISCLAIMER:The ideas, opinions and implied snide remarks used above do not
	   necessarily represent the views of my employers.  They are 
	   entirely out of my dark and furtive imagination.



From spc-request@tc.fluke.COM Fri Oct 30 13:21:09 1987
Flags: 000000000201
From: spc-request@tc.fluke.COM
Newsgroups: rec.humor.spc,news.admin
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