D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 2.0                             Issue 1                          No repliesP SPCVXA::TERRY "Terry Kennedy"                       330 lines  20-JUL-1989 08:07P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------H ************************************************************************H ************************************************************************H ***                                                                  ***H ***  Vol. 1                 January, 1985                   Issue001 ***H ***  Num. 1                                                          ***H ***                            NutWorks                              ***H ***                           ----------                             ***H ***             The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine for Those             ***H ***             Who Teeter  on the Precipice of Insanity             ***H ***                                                                  ***H ************************************************************************H ************************************************************************      5               ==  A  B r i e f  E d i t o r i a l  ==    B     As was mentioned in a previous correspondance, "NutWorks" is aG collection of essays, jokes, and other absolutely knee-slapping things. E An attempt is made to find original works, but some things may appear E that are either older than Moses's toes, or have flashed across every C terminal from here to Barsoom.  Repetition is very very good; maybe ) you'll like them better this time around. C     Some of the articles located herein are unsigned in that I have C little or no idea who wrote them.  If you wrote something that gets C printed here, one would think you'd be happier about it than if you G were relaxing comfortably at poolside under the shade of Dolly Pardon's A rib cage.  But if you really don't like the fact that I used your C work, everyone will think you're a mindless jerk and never speak to 
 you again.D     Although it is not intended that the contents of "NutWorks" dealD strictly with computer related themes, it is inevitable that most ofF the featured articles will, indeed, be computer related, for blatantly: obvious reasons.  The rest, of course, will deal with sex.!                                BB    '                          ==============    8             Sing this one to Michael Jackson's "Beat it"      >     You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,5     Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed, 6     The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,     Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.    .     Better think fast, better do what you can,,     Read the manual or call your system man,5     Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,      So BOOT IT,         Get the system manager to      BOOT IT,     BOOT IT, &     Even though you'd rather shoot it.*     Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.,     All that you do is flip a little switch.     BOOT IT,     BOOT IT, $     Get right down and restitute it.'     Don't get excited, all is not lost.      CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS.     Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...   8     You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,7     The system says your jobs at the head of the queue, 6     Right then the thing dies but you know what to do,     BOOT IT.   8     You always get so worried when the system runs slow,5     And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low, =     But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)      So BOOT IT,         Call the local guru to     BOOT IT,     BOOT IT,      Go ahead re-institute it. 4     If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf,'     But if you are, it'll do it itself.      BOOT IT,     BOOT IT, (     Then go find the guy who screwed it!/     Operating systems are built to bounce back, )     Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.         BOOT IT!     BOOT IT!    '                          ==============                   :     **     ****** ******** ******** ****** *****      ****B     **     ****** ******** ******** ****** ******   **   **     **B     **     **        **       **    **     **   **  **          **:     **     *****     **       **    *****  ******    *****B     **     **        **       **    **     ** **         **     **B     ****** ******    **       **    ****** **  **   ***  **     **:     ****** ******    **       **    ****** **   **    ****F ______________________________________________________________________      ,                       Interdepartmental Memo-                      From: Letters Department *                        To: Editorial Staff8                        Re: 'LETTERS' Column in Issue #1.     To the Editors:D  I regret to inform you that there won't be much of a letters columnI  in the first issue.  See, us fellas down here in the letters department, D  well, we're all kind of new at this whole business, and we're sortaB  having a little trouble with the actual formatting of the column.A  Jeff was designing a really nice layout for the column before he C  was exiled to Saskatchewan for that kiddy-porno thing.  And then I B  put a nice piece together, but it got eaten by the VAX.  PhilippeD  thought it would be nice to use some pastel stripes, with rainbows,>  flowers and birds, so we spit on him and teased him about his  eye-makeup.G     Clyde had an idea to make up our own letters, funny ones, and throw F  the real letters out, which is what he did, so now we don't have any.E     So you can plainly see that we had no choice but to 'borrow' some A letters from, as they say,'another magazine' in order to make the  deadline.  Here they are:           Dear Sirs:?          I'd like to share with your readers an experience that A       I was recently fortunate to be part of.  I'm a well-figured @       gal (36-22-34), with hazel eyes and blonde hair that hangsB       down to my rear.  First of all, let me say that I'd never do>       anything to destroy my wonderful marriage of three years+       to my husband whom I'll call Zachary. >          But the honest, devoted little wife in me was quickly=       replaced by a hungry, crazed tigress when I encountered        Hank (not his real name). >          I first met Hank at a vegetable & fruit store where IA       used to shop.  He worked in the cucumber section.  From the D       minute I first laid my eyes on him I knew that I'd want him to   G *********************************************************************** G ***********         OUTPUT TERMINATED BY OPERATOR          ************ G ***********************************************************************             )                            ==============    ;           Amazingly Mind-bogglingly Stupid Question #74932:    4                 "Is there a Roman numeral for zero?"   )                            ==============       <         A Few Really Neat Things to do to New CMS Users that3                Will Cause Them to Have a Lousy Day:    G     -- Tell them you've written a program that sends no-header messages F        (which really doesn't) and then instruct them to use it to tell         the operator to eat shit.   E     -- When they're away from their terminal talking to a consultant, 2        spool their virtual printer ROUTE WEIZMANN.   /     -- Throw up on them.  (This one's a given).    @     -- Say to them "You know, if you don't Flingle that MegablumD        of yours, you'll soon be without a virtual Quontis," and then        leave the room.   C     -- Tell them to be sure to put "IPL" commands in their Profile.    A     -- When they're away from their terminal waiting for a Pascal @        printout, send a mail file to their Professor saying thatA        his lousy class sucks the big wongo and (if you have time) :        that he himself isn't fit to lick the dust off of a        Timex Sinclair.   E     -- Tell them to be sure to set several PF Keys to "CP LOGOFF" (in +        case of emergencies, don'tcha know).=  =B     -- Tell them that the Senior Job Controller just loves to jokeC        around about his intestinal problems, and supply them with ar%        good one-liner to send to him.    F     -- When they are away from their terminal trying to figure out whyA        their Pascal printout ended up somewhere on the other side*1        of the Atlantic Ocean, type the following:*.                    "NUCXLOAD VMFCLEAR (ENDCMD"B        (This causes a clear-screen command to be issued upon every!        Carriage Return.  heh-heh)   *)                            ==============    ;            And Now, Another Not-So Famous Historical Quote, .                     For Your Reading Pleasure:   <         "Don't fire 'till you see the backs of their heads!"   A     ...orders given by Union General Sherman Tanque at the Battle*A     of Cowards Creek, just before the most alarmingly humiliating 1     defeat ever experienced by any army anywhere.e   )                            ==============    A     Special Science Feature: All-Purpose METRIC Conversion Table.*  *E          This chart will help to convert almost anything from the old*G     system of measurement to the new.  To convert back, simply stand on $     your head when using this chart.  =5                        1 inch    =    2.4 centimetersc6                 1 snail eater    =    7.3 snail liters9              1 pack + 1 liter    =    1 liter of the pack =              5 parking meters    =    8.2 parking centimeterse,                      10 cents    =    1 dime>               50,000 decibels    =    1 Twisted Sister concertA       Cost of 1 ear operation    =    Mega-bucks (see last entry)o6                  1 Tidal Wave    =    47.92 Microwaves5                  64 kilobytes    =    Next to nothing   e)                            ==============h   6                Here you have it folks, the original...  r,                       Documentation Sex Quiz  '      /                1. What are the fallopian tubes?   s"                   a. Bicycle tires&                   b. A subway in Italy%                   c. All of the abovei  n%                 2. What is a urethra?l  t*                   a. A female black singer-                   b. The opposite of myrethraiC                   c. Something you hang on your door for Chrithmeth   t$                 3. What is an ovary?   0                    a. A book written by Flaubert/                    b. A passing grade at school (                    c. A famous WWII song   $                 4. What is fellatio?  k2                    a. A person who collects stamps1                    b. Mr. Hornblower's first name,B                    c. A non-dairy whipped topping popular in Italy  e&                 5. What is a testicle?   6                    a. A test to see if you're ticklish7                    b. One of the two parts of the BibleT%                    c. An octopus' arm    '                 6. What is cunnilingus?o   %                    a. A form of pastat*                    b. The language of love&                    c. An Irish airline  O#                 7. What is a gonad?u  i1                    a. A cheer for NAD high schoolP>                    b. A person who wanders from place to place(                    c. A Moody Blues song  t#                 8. What is a vulva?y  o#                    a. A Swedish car 5                    b. The punching bag in your throat $                    c. An engine part  r-                 9. What is a seminal vesicle?   a$                    a. An indian boat(                    b. A priest's retreatG                    c. A discussion on the subject of veins and arteries   T#                12. What is a penis?n  t6                    a. A salty snack you have with beer2                    b. A Charles Shultz comic strip                    c. Liberace  g  i  t1                 Boner Question:  What is an Anus?u   8                    a. Part of a famous black comedy team0                    b. A planet--home of Superman(                    c. A herbaceous plant   =          Answers to these and many more thoroughly disgusting <          questions may, or may not appear in a future issue.   )                            ==============      *   ,                         Coming Next Month In'                               NutWorks: .                       ------------------------      B **  Will Florida sink into the Atlantic Ocean During Spring Break?!     Expert Geologist reveals all!*   6 **  Words That Have No Definition:  What Do They Mean?  _D **  How to Get an 'A' in Advanced Operations Analysis Without Losing     Your Virginity!    H **  The Pains and Strains of Systems Management:  Former Sys. Man. tells     it like it is!   D **  Moment of Terror: 'I was taken aboard a flying saucer from Mars,C     impregnated, forced to perform unspeakable things with Bigfoot,iF     found my husband had been attacked by a killer lobster, gave birthJ     to snake-like, siamese twins with three eyes each, and won the lottery,     all in one day!'  Exclusive interview!!!  f%                                  =**=l  nB     Next issue promices to be longer and utterly fascinating, sentD     in mid-February.  Send comments and contributions to BRENT@MAINE  t8          NutWorks Magazine  Issu#1, Vol. 1. January 1985