D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 11.0                           Issue 10                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             395 lines   6-MAR-1990 19:26P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------H ------------------------------------------------------------------------                 *****    *****B  Tenth           *****    ***                          Collector's@  Issue           *** **   ***              ***          Edition!0  Anniversary     ***  **  ***  ***  ***  *******0  Issue!!!        ***   ** ***  ***  ***  *******3                  ***    *****  ***  ***    ***  *** 2                 *****    *****  ****** **   ******   1    ******               ******               **** 2      ***                 ***                   ***>       ***      ***      ***                    ***  ***   ****@        ***    *****    ***  ******  *** ****   *** ***   ***  **>         ***  *** ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  *****       ***@          ******   ******   ***  ***  ***       *** ***   **  ***?           ****     ****     ******   ***      ****  ***    ****    H Electronic Humor Magazine.  Issue010, (Volume II, Number 6) March, 1986.   8             NutWorks is published semi-pseudo-monthly by8             Brent C.J. Britton  and  Leonard M. Friedman6             <BRENT@MAINE>            <xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx>H ------------------------------------------------------------------------4                 There is no such thing as reality...*                       ...it's all virtual.H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   (                            NutWorks News(                            =============   B     1) Brand-spanking new NutWorks Info files are now available onE CSNEWS at MAINE and xxxxx at xxxxxx, but if you're reading this, (and E we know you are) then you probably don't need/care to see anything in  the INFO file.   F     2) NutWorks is now available on TCSSERVE at TCSVM using the SENDME/ command.  Yup, we're spreading like the plague.         3) (Outdated text deleted.)         4) (Outdated text deleted.)  Eds.H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   (                             Nuts & Bolts)                            ==============    7              That's right folks, it's time again for... 4                 THE ALL-TIME LIST OF SUPERLATIVES!!!0                   This month's topic...Sillyness8             --------------------------------------------   A Sillyest song title.........."Da Doo Ron Ron Ron, Da Doo Ron Ron" D Sillyest animal noise........Gobble (But "Moo" runs a close second.)& Sillyest pizza topping.......Anchovies Sillyest women's'  undergarment................The Girdle  Sillyest euphamism for&  fecal matter................"poo-poo"* Sillyest Politician..........Claude Pepper= Sillyest Ronco product.......The "In-the-Shell Egg Scrambler" 0 Sillyest sexual toy..........Jello (all flavors)& Sillyest Philospher..........Heideggar# Sillyest food................Yogurt ! Sillyest non-food............Tofu  Sillyest name for a '  cartoon character...........Elmer Fudd H Sillyest nationality.........Canadian French.  No, make that ALL French.G Sillyest college major.......Physical Education (Runner up: Philosophy) 1 Sillyest puctuation mark.....The Squigely Bracket - Sillyest Airline.............People's Express H Sillyest country name........Djibuti, Africa (pron'ced DEE-JEE-BOO'-TEE) Sillyest name for (  a Rock band.................Jethro Tull) Sillyest pair of assholes....Grant/Rudman < Sillyest phrase.............."Now then..." (Think about it.)% Sillyest musical instrument..The Tuba * Sillyest American actor......Ronald Reagan* Sillyest American president..Ronald Reagan Sillyest name for a !  computer company............WANG ' Sillyest American city.......Tuscaloosa % Sillyest bodily function.....The Fart  Sillyest name for a . brand of Coffee..............Choc Full O' Nuts0 Sillyest Sport...............Crocodile Wrestling Sillyest name for a $  university..................HofstraH Sillyest T.V. game show......Press Your Luck ("Big bucks, no whammies!"), Sillyest game show host......Wink Martindale Sillyest word in the#  English language............Booger * Sillyest holiday.............Groundhog Day Sillyest name for a !  programming language........LISP  Sillyest reason to form a /  computer network............Because It's There     bcjb. H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   B     And it came to pass that the ART majors were required by theirD college to partake of the computer class, so that they would acquire! an education of well-roundedness. &     And the Dean saw that it was good.C     Struggled they, to fathom the computer.  Much documentation did 
 they read.F     Came they to the final exam.  "Define the following:" was the only instruction.0     Did they their best.  Here be their answers:      < CPU:      "This  is  the  central  processing  unit  usually< ---       pictured above  the memory on the  diagram located'           almost 30 times in my notes."    < BIT:      "Binary Digit.  Represents either or something but ---       nothing in between."&           "Most machines have 8 bits."   < B Disk:   "The B disk  is were (sic) all  of our assignments ------    are." <           "This disk  on someone  else's virtual  machine of4           which we can only read the material from."   < SCRIPT:   "A device which by adding  control words,  you can% ------    make an assignment neater." <           "SCRIPT  is  a  format.    You  string  everything<           together to  make nice neat  margins so  you leave           .fo on."   < OP SYS:   "An operating system  is a giant program  which is< ------    always running  in the  computer and  it runs  the           computer."   < VM:       "The virtual machine is physically 'real',  but in< --        terms  of  the  large really  'real'  computer  my<           'machine' is only the  virtual terminal upon which           I work."   < HEX:      "Hexadecimal  notation  is  a  spurious  character< ---       appearing often in the form of  a period in a line!           of input in your file."    < BASIC:    "To calculate the total employee  you must add one -----     to each employee."   : COMMANDS: "We have to type asterusis in our console file."< --------  "COPY (a variable in a  PLC program) is a location5           where the translated alphabits are stored." <           "The  command Print  fn ft  sends the  file to  my           virtuous reader." <           "The command L  * SCRIPT (Date means  the names of<           file  on A  disk go  to screen,   using SCRIPT  to#           format on a certain day." < RESUME:   "I  have extreme  competence in  dealing with  the ------    public."   < GENERAL:  "The computer can help elliviate spelling errors." -------    -     And great was the professor in his mirth.     bcjb. (and a jovial professor)H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   H     This is the little subscription leaflet that you never see in normalF magazines because it always falls out onto the floor, and lands in theF dog dish.  Notice how ours stays *in* the magazine!  Just another fine5 example of the superior quality of NutWorks magazine!    B     Of the following, which box would you be more likely to check:   D +--+ YES!  I would LOVE to receive issues of NutWorks magazine at NOD |  | charge!  This IS an amazing deal that I'd have to be positivelyE +--+ CRAZY to turn down!  I will be anxiously awaiting the arrival of G      each new issue, so please RUSH NutWorks to me as soon as possible!    E +--+ NO!  I am a complete moron, and a poop-head.  I'm not interested D |  | in your stupid magazine, and if I see it, I'll purge it.  Don't: +--+ ever send me anything.  I hate you.  Bleah!  Pthooey.   G     If you checked the "YES" box, why don't you send a mail file to the F editorial staff and let us know?  If you checked the "NO" box, you areC a mindless jerk and deserve to be nailed to a tree by your eyelids.     bcjb & Scott J. H -------------------------------------------------------------------------                        Question of the month:1,                        =====================  -8            "So, if this Khadaffy guy is such a hot shot,.                     why is he only a Colonel?"  -H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   &                                GENESIS&                                =======  tA         In  the beginning,   IBM  created  the hardware  and  the A      software. And the software was without form, and zeroes were A      upon the face  of the disks.  And the sysgen  moved upon the A      face of the drum.  And IBM said,  "Let there be system," and A      it was "genned".  And IBM saw the system,  and it was buggy. A      And IBM  divided the  light from the  dark,  and  called the*A      light OS, and the dark HASP. And the cold start and the warm        start were the first crash.   A         And IBM said,  "Let there be a supervisor in the midst of A      core,  and let it divide the  regions from the regions." And A      IBM called the supervisor MVT.  And the cold start,  and the1&      warm start were the second crash.   A         And  IBM  said,  "Let  the  programs  in the  machine  bedA      gathered into one  area," and it was so.  And  it called the>A      area LINKLIB, and the rest EXTRALIB, and IBM saw that it was-A      good.  And IBM said,  "Let  the supervisor bring forth (CLG) A      initiators,  and  the initiators running programs,   and the-A      programs yielding output, each to it's own dataset," and IBM A      saw that it was good. And the cold start, and the warm start       were the third crash.  rA         And IBM  said,  "Let  there be lights  on the  console toxA      divide  the wait's  from loops,   and  let them  be for  therA      operators and for the programmers.   And IBM made five great A      lights:  the system light to rule the CPU, the wait light to A      command the operators -- He made the PSW also.  And the coldt5      start, and the warm start were the fourth crash.   dA         And IBM said,   "Let the disk bring  forth abundantly the-A      utilities that hath bugs,  and  appendages may fly above the A      system  in supervisor  state."  And  IBM created  the  great,A      compilers,  and  every subroutine that  runneth and  IBM sawRA      that it was good. And the cold start and the warm start were       the fifth crash.-  -A         And  IBM said,   "Let the  core bring  forth the  linkagenA      editor  after  it's  kind,   for  object  modules  and  loadtA      modules," and it was so. And IBM said, "Let us make users insA      our own  image and let them  have dominion over  the readerseA      and over the printers and over the disks and over all of thePA      system,  and over every bug in HASP that lurketh beneath the"A      nucleus." And IBM created the user in His own image, and IBMlA      blessed them,  and said,  "Be  fruitful and multiply and add.A      and subtract and divide, and fill the queues." And IBM said,nA      "Behold,  I have given you every procedure bearing JCL whichoA      is on the face of the PROCLIB. And IBM saw that it was good.t@      And the cold start and the warm start were the sixth crash.  lA         Thus the hardware and the software were finished, and all.A      the troubles with them. And on the seventh day IBM unbundledfA      the work that it had made,   and rested from producing.  And.A      IBM sanctified the  unbundling and blessed it  -- because ona0      it, IBM rested and created a larger profit.    anon.tH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  l(                              Shaggy Dogs(                              ===========  oG    (The "answers" to these shaggy dog stories are at the bottom of thist	 article.)c(                              ----------- I.C     Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle, was innocently leaping from tree to.F tree one fine day, when a band of crazed cannibals ambushed and killedD him.  They devoured him almost immediately, except for the lining ofH his stomach which they stretched over a hollow log to make a bongo drum,D and gave it to the son of the chief cannibal.  The boy was delightedE with his new drum and played it constantly for weeks.  Until one day,.C he came crying to his father the chief.  "Daddy," he whimpered, "myu bongo drum rotted away."H     "Son," replied the chief, "you can't play 'Tarzan's Tripe Forever.'"   (                              ----------- II.eG     And then there was the story of the guy who played the harp for thehH local orchestra.  After a particularly boring day at orchestra practice,G he and some friends decided to stop in at Sam's Disco for a quick danceuF and perhaps a drink or two.  Not wanting to leave his valuable harp inG the car where it could easily get stolen, he brought it into Sam's withb him.D     Well, the "quick drink" soon turned into several rounds, and ourE harp player soon began to stagger and yell and cause such a commotiond= that Sam had to throw him out of the disco and send him home.rE     He awoke the next morning, his head pounding, and slowly began toeF dress for orchestra practice.  As he was about to leave, he discoveredC that his harp, his pride and joy, was missing.  "Oh no!" he gasped.T? And with a deep sigh, he began to sing, "I left my harrrrrrp...  in Sam's damn discooooooo..."r  "(                              ----------- III.D     Long time ago, there lived great Indian warrior named Shortcake.D Shortcake in love with Squaw who lived on other side of great river.E Many moons, him sit on bank of great river, watching Squaw who sit onSG other side.  Many times, him decide to swim across great river, but hims@ coward.  Him build boat and paddle.  But boat sink, and him die.B     Squaw jump in water and drag out body of Shortcake.  And then, 'Squaw bury Shortcake.'   g(                              ----------- IV.iB     Roy Rodgers was so delighted with his new pair of cowboy boots? that he walked into town to show them off.  But on the way into-C town, a cougar jumped out from behind a bush and attacked him.  Roy C tried his best to escape from the cougar, but his new boots weren'tyG broken in yet and their stiffness made it hard for him to run.  Regret-eD fully, he pulled them off and ran away without them.  The cougar was= overjoyed at this, and it tore the discarded boots to shreds.dG     Roy, now very angry at the loss of his prize boots, went home, took 2 out his shotgun, and went looking for that cougar.G     When he returned, the dead cougar slung over his shoulder, his wifeAC met him at the door.  When she saw the cougar, she said, "Pardon mei0 Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"  d(                              ----------- V.H     When the first team of explorers landed on Planet X, they found thatH the inhabitants were nothing more than little balls of fur with arms andG legs.  The explorers called the creatures "Furries" and soon found that-B the Furries were very adept at manufacturing things.  Whenever theG explorers needed anything, they just had to go look, and most assuredlynH there was a Furry somewhere who produced it.  But the Furries all lookedF alike, so, to make it easy for the explorers, each of the Furries woreB his particular product on the top of his head.  The Furry who soldE radios had a radio on top; the one who made dishes had a dish on top; 
 and so forth.!C     One day, one of the explorers, a diabetic, ran frantically intotD the explorers' headquarters.  "My needle broke!" he cried, "How will$ I ever be able to take my insulin!?")     The others, unconcerned, sang to him:m  c+        "If you need those drugs in a hurry,r)         It's okay, no sweat, don't worry,fG         Just go see that cute little 'Furry with the Syringe on top...'.  l  !(                              -----------  b7          Answers: I.........'Stars and Stripes Forever'f>                   II........'I Left My Heart in San Francisco'2                   III.......'Strawberry Shortcake'7                   IV........'Pardon me boy, is that the-4                              Chattanooga Choo-Choo?'?                   V.........'The Surrey With the Fringe On Top'   = bcjb. (Among others)H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   5                  And now, a news flash from the world-,                         of Heavy Metal Rock.5                  ====================================    D     Dateline Hollywood:  In a brief news conference today at RipgoreD Recording Studios, it was announced that yet another benefit concertC will be held in April to aid the starving masses in Etheopia.  ThistF time, the contributing groups will all be Heavy Metal bands.  But whatD will make this concert different is, instead of performing one afterB the other, the participating bands will all play on the same stageC simultaneously.  Furthermore, all the bands will each be performingsE different songs, again, simultaneously.  The reason for this unprece-BC dented schedule was not given, but one of the participating artists 1 said that it would be a "stimulating experience." C     The concert, dubbed "Twisted-Helical-Iron-Scorpion-Rat's-AC/DC- C Maiden-Sister's-Leopard-Kiss--Aid", was tentatively scheduled to beeD held in Omaha, Nebraska, but due to the local zoning laws forbiddingE any noise exceeding 250,000 decibels, the location was changed to TheXC Sea of Copernicus, the Moon.  The concert will NOT be broadcast viaeA satellite, as it will easily be heard at every point in the knownr	 universe.r  a&     Other "Aid" events to watch for...  u3 Roller-Derby Queens benefit Derby...........RollAid < Secret Service benefit supper...............Presidential Aid5 American Medical Association luncheon.......First Aidh9 The Wall Street Charity bonds...............Financial Aid 6 American Cinemas benefit movies.............Visual Aid3 Fisherman's Union benefit Fish Fry..........MermAid     bcjb.tH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  e&                               Appendix&                               ========   E We're sorry, but this issue of NutWorks has had its appendix removed.rG Damn!  How can we ever wear our new French bikini with this ugly scar!?l  bA                    ----X----X----X----X----X----  <---- ugly scare  r bcjb. H ------------------------------------------------------------------------