D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 12.0                           Issue 11                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             465 lines   6-MAR-1990 19:26P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------H ------------------------------------------------------------------------                 *****    *****                  *****    *** .                  *** **   ***              ***0                  ***  **  ***  ***  ***  *******0                  ***   ** ***  ***  ***  *******3                  ***    *****  ***  ***    ***  *** 2                 *****    *****  ****** **   ******   1    ******               ******               **** 2      ***                 ***                   ***>       ***      ***      ***                    ***  ***   ****@        ***    *****    ***  ******  *** ****   *** ***   ***  **>         ***  *** ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  *****       ***@          ******   ******   ***  ***  ***       *** ***   **  ***?           ****     ****     ******   ***      ****  ***    ****    I Electronic Humor Magazine.  Issue011, (Volume II, Number 7)  April, 1986.    8             NutWorks is published semi-pseudo-monthly by8             Brent C.J. Britton  and  Leonard M. Friedman6             <BRENT@MAINE.BITNET>     <xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx>H ------------------------------------------------------------------------=          Some say: "Knowledge without common sense is folly." 8             We say: "Knowledge without folly is BORING."H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   (                            NutWorks News(                            =============   B     1)  SPECIAL TO SUBSCRIBERS:  There have been a small number ofD requests that NutWorks be sent via DISK DUMP or SENDFILE, instead ofG as a MAIL file.  Unfortunately, because of the size of the subscription H list, and the size of the magazine itself, we must continue to use MAIL.E This alleviates much network traffic by only sending one file to each D node, instead of one file per person.  (If you didn't know this, ask? your systems personnel about how the Columbia VM Mailer works.)          2)  (Outdated text deleted.)   H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   1                      ***  NutWorks News Extra *** 1                      ============================ )                             (Netcon Info)     (Outdated text deleted)    H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   +                             From the Bridge +                             ===============    
 Captains Log:  Stardate: 860414 Commander Spock Reporting:      G Well having now worked in the computer field a bit more and also having < lived a bit longer I have made a few conclusions about life.     1) Murphy was right on the mark.       Murphy states that:   5         a) If anything can possibly go wrong it will, (            at the worst possible moment.   *         b) Nothing is as easy as it looks.   !         c) Nothing is fool proof, /            because fools are so damn ingenious.    7 (He says alot more, but that is all I can rememeber...)     2) Murphy was an optimist.   . 3) It's true, Life's a bitch and then you die.   D 4) If there are n possible bugs in a program the one that will cause1    the most damage is the one that will go wrong.    D 5) If you correct the n possible bugs in your program the n+1 bug is    bound to appear.    D 6) I now understand why computer programers hate keypunch operators.   H 7) There is a cause and affect relationship between operators forgetting$    to do backups and system crashes.   E 8) People somehow know when you are at 300 baud.  Why else is it then ?    and only then that they choose to bombard you with messages.    E 9) People know when you are at 300 baud and trying to edit something.     (see above)   3 And now a few stories, with some morals about life:       (                       If You Are Unhappy(                       ==================    Once upon a time...    G There was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the       winter.G However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to       fly south. G In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth  in       a barnyard, almost frozen. - A cow happened by and crapped on the sparrow. ( The sparrow thought that it was the end,2 But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.: Warm and happy, able to breath, the sparrow began to sing.H Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the      sounds.F The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly
      ate him.    .                 *** The Moral of The Story ***   < 1) Everyone who shits on you is not neccessarily your enemy.   B 2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit, is not neccessarily your      friend.   F 3) And, if your warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep you mouth shut.       Leonard M. Friedman H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   )                              Nuts & Bolts *                             ==============-                         by Brent C.J. Britton    F     Ok folks, so I misspelled a word... you don't have to bite my headD off!  Just for good measure, though, the "silliest pair of assholes"C entry in last months column should have read "Gramm/Rudman" and not G "Grant/Rudman", (which is rather humorous in itself if you consider all F the "grants" that are disappearing due to the efforts of Mr. "Gramm").E     A friend of mine was sitting in class recently, doing his best to E wholly ignore the lecture, and he came up with the following thoughts * on life in general.  I hope you like them:   0                           I was Just Thinking...-                           =================== -                           By Arthur Hannaford       D     College professors, on the whole, are the worst dressed group of people in the world.   D     No one, no matter how strangely they may be built, could ever be3 comfortable in any seat designed for classroom use.    F     Hippis should join us in the 80's... then I changed my mind, leave them in the 60's.    H     Those people who sit in a lecture hall and nod their heads in agree-E ment as if they were talking individually with the instructor have no  idea how stupid they look.   *     Polyester is never sexy or attractive.   8     Young males who can't grow a mustache shouldn't try.   D     Restaurants with paper placemats are not places I'd want to take  someone I was trying to impress.   H     Hack-sack is a weird game that no one seems to be able to play well.   E     No one is more creative than a student who is making up an excuse  for missing an exam.   (     Blue is a nice color, orange is not.   E     There should be a class in personal hygiene for college freshmen.    F     The statement "Heavy Metal Music sucks" is inaccurate; Heavy Metal
 is not music.    2     Left-handed people look funny when they write.   F     Matching shoes and belts, especially in white, was a great idea... it makes geeks easier to spot.   G     I don't like Freshmen.  They have bad attitudes.  I, of course, was  never a Freshman.    +     Synchronized swimming is a silly sport.    F     I don't like station wagons.  They tend to imply that the owner is a mother of six.   G     It would be funny if someone parked a Corvair in Ralph Nader's gar-  age.   C     Bathroom poetry wouldn't be funny if you weren't sitting on the - toilet with your pants down while reading it.    E     People who refer to the terminal on which they are working as "my + computer" shouldn't be told the difference.       	 ah & bcjb H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   -                           How To Make A Board:-                           =================== *                              by Dave Barry  =C     Most of what I know about carpentry, which is almost nothing, I=H learned in shop.  I took shop during the Eisenhower administration, whenH boys took shop and girls took home economics--a code name for "cooking".F Schools are not allowed to separate boys and girls like that any more.H     They're also not allowed to put students' heads in vises and tightenG them, which is what our shop teacher, Mr. Schmidt, did to Ronnie Miller G in the fifth grade when Ronnie used a chisel when he should have used a E screwdriver.  (Mr. Schmidt had strong feelings about how to use tools*H properly.)  I guess he shouldn't have put Ronnie's head in the vise, butD it (Ronnie's head) was no great prize to begin with, and you can betG Ronnie never confused chisels and screwdrivers in later life.  Assuming  he made it to later life. I     Under Mr. Schmidt's guidance, we hammered out hundreds of the ugliest I and most useless objects the human mind can conceive of.  Our first major G project was a little bookshelf that you could also use as a stool.  The G idea was that someday you'd be looking for a book, when all of a sudden*F you'd urgently need a stool, so you'd just dump the books on the floorG and there you'd be.  At least I assume that was the thinking behind the-D bookshelf-stool.  Mr. Schmidt designed it, and we students sure know! better than to ask any questions. G     I regret today that I didn't take more shop in high school, because-E while I have never once used anything I know about the cosine and theiF tangent, I have used my shop skills to make many useful objects for my, home.  For example, I recently made a board.H     I use my board in many ways.  I stand on it when I have to get socksF out of the dryer and water has been sitting in our basement around theI dryer for a few days, and has developed a pretty healthy layer of scum onDG top (plus heaven-only-knows-what new and predatory forms of life under-  neath).zI     I also use my board to squash spiders.  (All spiders are deadly kill-cH ers.  Don't believe any of the stuff you read in "National Geographic".)  e/     If you'd like to make a board, you'll need:s   #         Materials:  A board, paint.s(         Tools:      A chisel, a handgun.  iI     Get your board at a lumberyard, but be prepared.  Lumberyards reek of-E lunacy.  They use a system of measurement that dates back to Colonial E times, when people had brains the size of M&Ms.  When they tell you a=H board is a "two-by-four", they mean it is NOT two inches by four inches.G Likewise, a "one-by-six" is NOT one inch by six inches.  So if you know-I what size board you want, tell the lumberperson you want some other size. F If you don't know what size you want, tell him it's for squashing spi-  ders.  He'll know what you need.I     You should paint your board so people will know it's a home carpentryhH project, as opposed to a mere board.  I suggest you use a darkish color,F something along the lines of spider guts.  Use your chisel to open theF paint can.  Have your gun ready in case Mr. Schmidt is lurking around.G     Once you've finished your board, you can move on to a more advanced G project, such as a harpsichord.  But if you're really going to get intogI home carpentry, you should have a home workshop.  You will find that your G workshop is very useful as a place to store lawn sprinklers and objects I you intend to fix sometime before you die.  My wife and I have worked outuH out a simple eight-step procedure for deciding which objects to store in my home workshop:b   E 1.  My wife tells me an object is broken.  For instance, she may say,r, "The lamp on my bedside table doesn't work."  t7 2.  I wait several months, in case my wife is mistaken.w   F 3.  My wife notifies me she is not mistaken.  "Remember the lamp on myC bedside table?" she says.  "Yes?" I say.  "Still broken," she says.d  lF 4.  I conduct a preliminary investigation.  In the case of the lamp, IG flick the switch and note that the lamp doesn't go on.  "You're right,")* I tell my wife.  "That lamp doesn't work."  bD 5.  I wait 6 to 19 months, hoping that God will fix the lamp, or theF Russians will attack us and the entire world will be a glowing heap of= radioactive slag and nobody will care about the lamp anymore.    G 6.  My wife then alerts me that the lamp still doesn't work.  "The lamps7 still doesn't work," she says, sometimes late at night.o  rG 7.  I try to repair the lamp on the spot.  Usually, I look for a likely G trouble spot and whack it with a blunt instrument.  This often works ont+ lamps.  It rarely works on microwave ovens.n  eF 8.  If the on-the-spot repair doesn't work, I say:  "I'll have to takeH this lamp down to the home workshop."  This is my way of telling my wifeF that she should get another lamp if she has any short-term plans, say, to do any reading in bed.a  hI     If you follow this procedure, after a few years you will have a greathG many broken objects in your home workshop.  In the interim, however, ityD will look barren.  This is why you need tools.  To give your shop anI attractive, nonbarren appearance, you should get several thousand dollarseB worth of tools and hang them from pegboards in a graceful display.7     Basically, there are four different kinds of tools:   t6       Tools You Can Hit Yourself With (hammers, axes).   A       Tools You Can Cut Yourself With (saws, knives, hoes, axes).m  p?       Tools You Can Stab Yourself With (screwdrivers, chisels).o  eH       Tools That, If Dropped Just Right, Can Penetrate Your Foot (awls).  hG     I have a radial arm saw, which is like any other saw except that ithD has a blade that spins at several billion revolutions per second andH therefore can sever your average arm in a trice.  When I operate my rad-I ial arm saw, I use a safety procedure that was developed by X-ray machinea technicians: I leave the room.I     I turn off all the power in the house, leave a piece of wood near the H saw, scurry to a safe distance, and turn the power back on.  That is how I made my board.G     Once you get the hang of using your tools, you'll make all kinds ofe. projects.  Here are some other ones I've made:  l         A length of rope.e         Wood with nails in it.         Sawdust.  fG     If you'd like plans for any of these projects, just drop some moneyo2 in an envelope and send it to me and I'll keep it.  m   H ------------------------------------------------------------------------C     And now, another silly excuse from Joe_User for why he has beensD working on the same programming assignment for twelve weeks running:  sG Student: (to consultant)  "I don't know what I'm doing.  I never listen':          to the teacher during class.  I just take notes."    Mark Woodruff & bcjb.nH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  m(                             The Used Car(                             ============6                 By Richard Lawson (STERMAN @ CITROMEO)     e& ( This is reputed to be a true story )  dH It seems there was a man looking for a used car.  Perusing the want ads, he came across this item:s  s.                         Two-year-old Corvette.9                         Good condition. Low mileage.  $75a  iH Unable to believe the price, and believing the price to be  a  typo,  heH called  the number in the ad.  A woman answered and assured him that theH price was correct as printed -- $75.  The man got her address and rushed to her home.   H Arriving at the address, the prospective  buyer  knocked  at  the  door,H which was answered by a middle-aged woman.  She took him into the garageH and  showed  him  the merchandise.  As advertised, it was a two-year-oldH Corvette, in good condition and with low mileage.  The man  again  askedH the  price and was again quoted $75.  Incredulous, but no fool, he wroteH a check.  When the registration had been signed over  to  him,  the  newH owner  of  the  Corvette said to the seller:  "Lady, why did you sell meH that car for such a low price?  You could easily have  gotten  thousands3 of dollars for it!"   He received this explanation:    H "This is my husband's car.  Last month he left me and ran off  with  hisH secretary.   Last  week  he  wrote  me  a  letter  asking me to sell his! Corvette and send him the money."s  o@ Thus the deal was completed to the satisfaction of both parties.     sH ------------------------------------------------------------------------; Q:  How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?aI A:  100.  Ten to do it,  and 90 to write  document number GC7500439-0001,wI     Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of thehI     pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of theoI     definitions are of the form ".of 4;A:...... consists  of sequences ofr.     non-blank characters separated by blanks".  v lmfnH ------------------------------------------------------------------------   ,                         Mathematics Glossary,                         ====================2                   Rainer Koch  (UNI011 @ DBNRHRZ1)  i: Any  student who ever  sat or slept  trough a  mathematics: course  knows that  certain words  and phrases  occur very: frequently.  This glossary might eliminate some confusion.  t- When the instructor says      He really means - ------------------------      ---------------    : trivial                       The student might be able to9                               do it in three hours or so.t  s9 simple                        An "A" student can do it in +                               a week or so.d  y: easy                          This topic would make a good.                               master's thesis.   6 clear                         The instructor can do it*                               (he thinks).  v; obvious                       The  instructor is sure it isn5                               in his notes somewhere.   e; certainly                     The instructor saw one of hisl8                               instructors do it, but has9                               completely forgotten how ite'                               was done.    < left as an exercise           The instructor lost his notes. for the student   o7 is well known                 The instructor heard thatt2                               someone once did it.  e6 can be shown                  The instructor thinks it7                               might be true, but has noh3                               idea how to prove it.a   9 the diligent student          It is an unsolved problem -y2 can show                      probably harder than4                               Fermat's Last Theorem.  s  SH ------------------------------------------------------------------------   (                              Shaggy Dogs(                              ===========  eB     Last month, (NutWorks Issue010), we printed a few "shaggy dog"H stories.  To our utter joy, several people have sent in more shaggy dogsH for us to print.  We received so many in fact, that we couldn't possiblyH shove them all into one issue.  It is a known fact in the world of medi-D cine that exposure to too many shaggy dog stories in one sitting canI cause excess groaning, (which can lead to sore throats), and can overworktD the "jovial-major" muscles.  So, what we'll do is this:  You keep onG sending us your favorite shaggy dog stories, and we will print ONLY ONEpG PER MONTH, so they don't get tiresome, and to save you from the medicalf8 expense of alleviating the above mentioned malignancies.&     Here is this month's Shaggy Dog... bcjb.s   F     There once was a hunter that travelled to deep Africa.  He hired aI local guide to show him the way through Africa to a legendary lake where,kI supposedly, there were dolphins that lived forever.  After the first day,yI the hunter found a myna bird which perched itself on his shoulder for theaG rest of the trip.  On the 5th day, the guide pointed out a dead lion indH the path and indicated that the hunter should pass around the dead lion.F The hunter didn't heed the guide's warnings and stepped right over theD lion, whereupon he was arrested by the National Police.  The reason:  hD     "Transporting a myna across staid lions for immortal porpoises."  w  d! (Contributed by Henry Nussbacher)tH ------------------------------------------------------------------------