D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 13.0                           Issue 12                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             500 lines   6-MAR-1990 19:28P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------H ------------------------------------------------------------------------?  Spring         *****    *****                           Spring =   '86            *****    ***                             '86 >  Final           *** **   ***              ***           Final@  Issue !         ***  **  ***  ***  ***  *******         Issue !0                  ***   ** ***  ***  ***  *******3                  ***    *****  ***  ***    ***  *** 2                 *****    *****  ****** **   ******   1    ******               ******               **** 2      ***                 ***                   ***>       ***      ***      ***                    ***  ***   ****@        ***    *****    ***  ******  *** ****   *** ***   ***  **>         ***  *** ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  *****       ***@          ******   ******   ***  ***  ***       *** ***   **  ***?           ****     ****     ******   ***      ****  ***    ****    G Electronic Humor Magazine.  Issue012, (Volume II, Number 8)  May, 1986.    8             NutWorks is published semi-pseudo-monthly by8             Brent C.J. Britton  and  Leonard M. Friedman6             <BRENT@MAINE>            <xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx>H ------------------------------------------------------------------------4              "You're never too old to rock 'n' roll,0                   if you're too young to die..."?                                                  - Ian Anderson H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   '                           NutWorks News '                           =============    G     1) As mentioned previously, this will be the last issue of NutWorks E until next fall (although if you look during the summer, you might be H able to find a special summer issue on the servers).  The NutWorks staffC would like to take this opportunity to wish our readers a happy and = healthy summer. We hope to here from you all again next fall.         2) (Outdated text deleted.)    H     3) NOTICE:  Please DO NOT SEND MAIL OR NOTE requests for informationH ABOUT NUTWORKS TO ANY FILE SERVER, including CSNEWS@MAINE, FORUM@TAMCBA,G or TCSSERVE@TCSVM.  NutWorks is made available on these file servers by D the permission of their respective owners/operators.  Back issues ofE NutWorks, and the current NutWorks information file, can be retrieved " from the servers with the command:   0                SENDME NUTWORKS <INFO> <ISSUExxx>   D Requests for addition of your name to the NutWorks subscription listG should be sent (via MAIL) to BRENT@MAINE and to not to any file server.  Thanks. H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   +                             From the Bridge +                             ===============    
 Captains Log:  Stardate: 860519 Commander Spock Reporting:      < Q:  "Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling in his cabin ?"= A:  "Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before..."    F Q:  "What is the similarity between the Enterprise and toilet paper ?"F A:  "They both revolve around Uranus (your anus) and wipe out Klingons      (cling ons)."   > Q:  "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"F A:  "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace."   : Q:  How many Vulcans does it take to change a light  bulb?- A:  "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"    G Q:  How many members of the  U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a      light bulb? G A:  7.  Scotty  will report to Captain  Kirk that the light bulb in the G Engineering Section  is burnt out,   to which  Kirk will send  Bones to G pronounce the bulb dead.  Scotty,  after checking around,  notices that G they have no more new light bulbs,   and complains that he can't see in G the dark to tend  to his engines.  Kirk must make  an emergency stop at G the next uncharted  planet,  Alpha Regula IV,  to procure  a light bulb G from the natives.  Kirk, Spock, Bones,  Sulu,  and 3 red shirt security G officers beam down.  The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the G natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back G in orbit,  Scotty notices a Klingon  ship approaching and must warp out G of orbit  to escape  detection.   Bones  cures the  native king  who is G suffering from the flu,  and as a  reward the landing party is set free G and given all of  the light bulbs they can carry.   Scotty cripples the G Klingon ship and warps back to the planet  just in time to beam up Kirk G et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its  five year mission.       lmf H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   )                              Nuts & Bolts *                             ==============.                          by Brent C.J. Britton   F     Is that Leonard guy a nutcake or what, huh?  Well friends, as theyG say in Chernobyl, "Another school season, another 8000 megaRems peeling G at my skin until my bones stick out."  Or, perhaps they don't say that. 4 I don't know.  Current events is Lenny's department.D     There seems to be a recent furor lately (by certain folk who areE inclined to ponder such things) as to what the letters IBM stand for. E All joking aside, IBM refers to the method by which IBM software doc- B umentation is written.  You see, there is a common example used inF statistics classes regarding the idea that if several chimpanzees wereE made to sit for an infinite time pounding haphazardly at the keyboard E of a typewriter, they would eventually produce all the great works of B Shakespeare;  given an infinite time, they'd have to.  At IBM, allD documentation is produced by a group of chimpanzees pounding haphaz-D ardly at typewriters, only they don't have an infinite time in whichD to produce the stuff, so sometimes the end result comes out in less-C than-intelligible form.  They have, however, trained the monkeys to D type "This page intentionally left blank" in record time.  Oh, yeah,C so anyhow, IBM stands for "I Been hip'Motized."  But I guess that's  another story.@     By the way, we *all* know that "This page intentionally leftB blank" is recursively incorrect, (i.e. actually WRITING "This pageH intentionally left blank" on an otherwise blank page results in the pageF being no longer blank, etc.).  I suppose, technically, it should read:C "This page intentionally left ALMOST blank, if you don't count this 
 sentence."@     But what I'm wondering is why on Earth they bother to informG the reader that the near-blankness of the page is NOT an error on IBM's G part, but is, in fact, a wholly decided upon event.  The fact that they F DO tell us that they meant for the page to be blank--thereby violatingF the purity of the page's blankness--implies, to me at least, they theyD have a REASON for leaving the page blank.  But then, if the page wasF left blank for a reason--I mean if the page were destined to have someE ultimate value as a result of it's blankness--I suppose they wouldn't G be inclined to spoil the virgin blankness of the page by printing "This G page intentionally left blank" right smack in the middle, thereby rend- G ering the page useless, if, in fact, its usefulness is measured by it's G being blank, (which it isn't), due to the words which state that it is, G and, in fact, was meant to be.  This is called a paradox (quack quack). D     Clearly, the statement "This page intentionally left blank", canH never be literally correct if it appears on "this page" at all.  (It canH be compared to the act of saying the words: "I'm not talking.")  PerhapsE IBM should write "This page intentionally left blank" on ANOTHER page F and draw an arrow to the REAL blank page.  Or perhaps they could index= all the intentionally blank pages in the front of the manual.=8     Oh well, I'm going to the beach.  Have a fun summer.  = And so it goes.... bcjbH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  E9               What is the new Russian national anthem ???--                       "You Light Up My Life."-  -H ------------------------------------------------------------------------  -/                      THE THEORY OF DARK SUCKERS /                      ==========================n0                    as presented by Paul Holmgren:              with additions and corrections by Holly Stowe  *F      For years it was believed that light wes emitted from an electricH bulb; recent information has proven otherwise - dark is sucked into  the, bulb - therefore, the bulb is a dark sucker.   A      There are many types and sizes of dark suckers.  The largest H manufacturers of dark suckers are General Electric and  Sylvania.   SomeH modern  dark  suckers  utilize  solid  power to operate properly.  Solid@ power units can be purchased from Eveready, Exide, and Duracell.   H      The dark sucker theory proves the existance of dark suckers as wellH as proving that dark  is  heaver  than  light.   Some  examples  are  as follows:   H Electric bulbs:   There is less dark near the electric bulb  than  at  aH distance of 100 feet when it is operating; therefore, it is sucking darkH and can be classified as a dark sucker.  The larger the dark sucker, theH greater  the  distance it can suck dark.  The larger the dark sucker theH greater its capacity of dark.  The dark sucking capabilities are evidentH when the dark sucker has reached its capacity and will  no  longer  suckH dark.   At that point you may notice the dark area on the inside portionH of the dark sucker.  The larger the dark sucker, the larger the area  ofH dark  found within.  This type of dark sucker can be made directional byG placing a shield around a portion of the unit or behind it.  This  willtH prevent  dark  from  entering  the  dark  sucker  from that side therebyH extending the range of the dark  sucker  on  the  unprotected/unshielded side.h  uH Candles - primitive dark suckers: There is more dark 30 feet from a  litH candle  then  there  is  at  a  distance  of 3 feet.  Proof of it's darkH sucking capabilities is relatively simple.  Examine a new unused candle,H notice that the center core is not dark.  Ignite the center core.  AllowH the center core to burn for about 5 minutes.  Notice the  lack  of  darkH around the candle.  Extinguish the candle flame.  Notice that the centerH core  of  the  candle  is  now  dark.   The center core is a dark suckerH protected by a  soft  insulator  to  extend  it's  life  expectancy  andH maintain rigidity to verify that this primitive dark sucker is operatingH properly.   Ignite the center core and allow it to burn for a minimum ofH 2 minutes. Pass a clean pencil over the top of the flame, left to right,H approximately 3 inches above the center core.  Notice that there  is  noH dark  on the pencil.  Pass the pencil over the center core now about 1/2H inch.  Notice that the pencil now has a dark area.  The  pencil  blockedH the  path of the dark being sucked to the core of the dark sucker.  ThisH type dark sucker is very primitive and does  not  suck  dark  any  great+ distance nor does it have a large capacity.d  iH      Dark sucker solid power units may be purchased locally at a varietyH of outlets.  Size does not determine the life  expectancy  of  the  darkH sucker  solid power unit.  These solid power units work with many modernH dark suckers, and absorb dark from the dark sucker.  The  absorbed  dark, is converted to solid power within the unit.  iA      An example of the conversion of dark into solid power in the H automobile of today.  Notice an auto in  use  during  dark  hours.   TwoH (possibly  four)  large  dark  suckers are located on the front.  On theH rear there are two (or 3) smaller dark suckers with  red  filters.   YouH may also notice several dark suckers with yellow filters.  These filtersH are required to remove a percentage of red and yellow from total dark soH as  to  energize the solid power unit.  The solid power unit permits theH auto to be utilized during hours of no dark by the dark it has absorbed.H The number of dark suckers varies with the age of the automobile.  NewerH automobile solid  power  units  require  a  greater  percentage  of  redH filtered  dark.   Older  units generally require more non-filtered dark.H The solid power unit of the automobile has a dark interior.  This can be/ proved by cutting the solid power unit in half.k   H Dark is heavier than light.  Dark always settles to the bottom of a lakeH and/or river.  Submerge just below the surface of a lake  and  you  willH notice  an absence of dark.  Lower yourself to 15 feet below the surfaceH and you will notice a degree of darkness even on a  sunny,  bright  day.H Lower  yourself  to  50  feet (or more) below the surface and you are inH total dark.  Ergo, the dark has settled to the bottom;  therefore,  darkH is  heavier than light.  Modern technology has allowed us to utilize theH dark that has settled to the bottom of large rivers through the creationH of turbines which push the dark downriver to  the  ocean,  which  has  aH larger  holding capacity for dark and is a common safe storage location.H As the dark is passed through the turbine, a percentage of  solid  powerH is removed and transmitted to various short term storage plants for manyH usages.   Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to move the darkH from rivers to storage areas such as  deep  lakes  or  the  ocean.   TheH Indians  would  paddle  their  canoes very little and not very deeply ifH they were going in the direction of flow of dark so as not  to  slow  itH down.   However,  if  they  were  traveling opposite the natural flow ofH dark, they would dig their paddles very deep and rapidly to  assist  the( flow of dark to its ocean storage place.  vH Dark is faster than light.  If you would open a drawer very slowly,  youH will  notice  that  the  light  goes into the drawer.  (You can see thisH happen.)  You cannot see the dark leave the drawer.   Continue  to  openH the  drawer  and  light  will continue to enter the drawer; however, youH will not see any dark leave the drawer.  Therefore, dark is faster  thanH light.   Go into a closet, close the door, and turn off the dark sucker.H Have a friend open the door about 1 inch.  Your friend will not see  anyH dark  leave  the  closet,  nor will you.  Have your friend open the doorH until half the closet is dark and half is light.  Since 2 objects cannotH occupy the same space at the same time, and you do not feel  any  changeH in  pressure, by compressing the dark, it is logical to assume that dark is faster than light.n  i One last proof.h  eD      What is a by-product of movement of dark?  Heat.  What is a by-& product of dark suckers?  Heat, again.  cH Therefore a dark sucker generates heat  during  its  operation,  sucking dark from the surrounding area.t  eH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  e?       How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb ?h2                   "None.  They *are* light bulbs."   H ------------------------------------------------------------------------  u3                     What I Like About The Telephone 3                     ===============================i*                              By Dave Barry  hD         What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you inC         touch with people, particularly people who want to sell youcA         magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night.  ThesedC         people have been abducted by large publishing companies andeE         placed in barbed-wire enclosures surrounded by armed men with          attack dogs.  c Caller: Hello, Mr. Barry?o  Me:     No this is Adolf Hitler.D Caller: Of course.  My mistake.  The reason I'm calling you at 11:30@         at night, Mr. Hitler, is that I'm conducting a marketing         survey, and.../ Me:     Are you selling magazine subscriptions? ? Caller: Magazine subscriptions?  Me?  Selling them?  Ha Ha. No.mA         Certainly not.  Not at all.  No, this is just a plain old-2         marketing survey. (Sound of dogs barking.)' Me:     Well, what do you want to know?aH Caller: Well, I just want to ask you some questions about you household,G         such as how many people live there, and what their ages are and A         whether any of them might be interested in subscribing to=         Redbook?H Me:     I don't want to subscribe to anything, you lying piece of slime.A Caller: How about Time? Sports Illustrated? American Beet Farmer?a Me:     I'm going to hang up.eD Caller: No!  (The dogs get louder) Please! You can have my daughter! Me:     (Click.)  eF         The first telephone systems were primitive "party lines" whereC         everybody could hear what everybody else was talking about.           This was very confusing:  vE Bertha: Emma? I'm calling to tell you I seen you boy Norbert shootin'r9         his musket at our goat again, and if you don't...   dB Clem:   This ain't Emma.  This is Clem Johnson, and I got to reachD         Doc Henderson, because my wife Nell is all rigid and foamingD         at the mouth, and if she don't snap out of it soon the roast         is going to burn.rA Emma:   Norbert don't even own a musket.  All he got is a bow andeD         arrow, and he couldn't hit a steam locomotive from six feet,D         what with his bad hand, which he got when your boy Percy bit.         it, and which is festerin' pretty bad.4 Doc Henderson:  You better let me take a look at it.B Bertha: The goat?  Oh, he ain't hurt that bad, Doc.  He's skittery&         on account of the musket fire.C Clem:   Now she's startin' to roll her eyes around.  Looks like twoT         hard-boiled eggs.tC Caller: Hi I'm conducting a marketing survey is Mr. Hitler at home? A Clem:   No, but I'll take a year's worth of American Beet Farmer.e  iC         The party line system led to a lot of unnecessary confusionkD         and death, so the phone company devised a system whereby youG         can talk to only one person at a time, although not necessarilykE         the person you want.  In fact, if you call any large company,i@         you will Never get to talk to the person you're calling.C         Large companies employ people who are paid, on a commissionaE         basis, solely to put calls on hold.  These people are trainedtB         by the airline reservations clerks.  The only exception isA         department stores, where all calls are immediately routedt7         to whichever clerk has the most people waiting.r  s@         But we should never complain about our telephone system.C         It is the most sophisticated system in the world, yet it isv?         the easiest to use.  Fore example, my 20-month-old son,d<         who cannot perform a simple act like eating a banana<         without getting most of it in his hair, is perfectly<         capable of direct-dialing Okinawa, and probably has.G         In another year, he'll be able to order magazine subscriptions.n   H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   H What was the initial reaction of Gorbachev to the accident at Chernobyl?+                         "I said Bud Light."   kH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  k SHELL OIL COMPANYs P.O. Box 150 Tulsa, Oklahoma  74102  f	 Dear Sir:S   G     I have been a regular customer of the Shell Oil Company for severaleF years now, and spend approximately $40.00 per month on Shell products.D Until recently, I have been completely satisfied with the quality of7 Shell products and with the service of Shell employees.t  cH     Included in my most recent statement from your department was a billD for $12.00 for a tire which I purchased at the Lowell I. Reels ShellF Station in McAdenville, North Carolina.  I stopped at this station forG gasoline and to have a timing malfunction corrected.  The gasoline cost G $5.15; eight new plugs cost $9.36; labor on the points cost $2.50.  AllaC well and good.  Earlier in the day I had had a flat tire, which theeG attendant at the Lowell I. Reels station informed me that he was unable E to fix.  He suggested that I purchase a tire from him in order that IkD have a spare for the remainder of my journey to Atlanta.  I told himE that I preferred to buy tires from my home station in Atlanta, but heaG continued to stress the risk of driving without a spare.  My reluctanceoH to trade with an unknown dealer, even a Shell dealer, did not discourageF him and finally, as I was leaving, he said that, out of concern for myB safety (my spare was not new) and because I had made a substantial@ expenditure at his station, he would make me a special deal.  HeD produced the tire ("Hits a good one.  Still has the tits on it.  SeeD them tits.  Hits a twenty dollar tar.") which I purchased for twelveD dollars and which he installed on the front left side for sixty-five= cents.  Fifty miles further down the highway I had a blowout.   kD     Not a puncture which brought a slow, flapping flat, nor a politeC ladyfinger - firecracker rubberbubble rupture (pop), but a howitzer E blowout, which reared the hood of the car up into my face, a blowout,iF sir, which tore a flap of rubber from this "tire" large enough to makeG soles for BOTH sandals of a medium sized hippie.  In a twinkling, then, G I was driving down Interstate 85 at sixty miles per hour on three tiresaG and one rim with rubber clinging to it in desperate shreds and patches,mF an instrument, that bent, revolving, steel-then-rubber-then-steel rim,H whose sound can be approximated by the simultaneous placing of a handfulE of gravel and a young chick into a Waring Blender.  The word "careen"n@ does no justice whatever to the movement that the car performed.H According to the highway patrolman's report, the driver in the adjoiningG lane, the left lane -- who, incidentally, was attempting to pass at theaG time --, ejaculated adrenaline all over the ceiling of his car.  My owniH passengers were fused into a featureless quiver in the key of 'G' in theG back seat of my car.  The rim was bent; the tits were gone; and you canhG fuck yourself with a cream cheese dildo if you entertain for one momenti5 the delusion that I intend to pay the twelve dollars.i  a@                                                 Sincerely yours,B                                                 Timothy B. Tieslau- Contributed by David Salzman <DAVID@UCHISTEM>sH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  d$                             The Boss$                             ========  m8               For those who have trouble with authority:  m   Once upon a time . . .C The different body parts started an argument over who should be thef boss of the body.sE   The heart said, "I pump all of the blood, so I should be the boss."rI   The legs said, "We move the body everywhere, so we should be the boss."gC   The lungs said, "We supply the oxygen, so we should be the boss."-A   The eyes joined in, "We see everything; we should be the boss."-B   The brain chimed, "I control all of those functions, I should be                      the boss."y6   And finally the rectum said, "I should be the boss!"H   All of the other body parts broke out in hysterical laughter and said,+ "Why would we ever choose you as the boss?" . The rectum did not respond and just closed up.H   About three days later, The heart was having trouble pumping, the legsG were very wobbly, the lungs could hardly move, the eyes were blurry ande the brain was cloudy.oF   Hence, they all decided to let the rectum be the boss.  The moral of
 the story:  h>    You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an asshole.  d    James L. LevesquerH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  ."                             Gossip"                             ======'                        By Michael Morey    A   You know, here in the trailer court, we have this couple living > next door, and when Ted doesn't have anything to do, he arguesA with his wife.  Ted and his wife don't get along too good at all.mA The other day, Ted took his wife to the doctor.  After the doctor-? examined her, he came out and said, "Ted, I just don't like thelB way your wife looks at all."  Ted said, "Well doc, to tell you the@ truth, I ain't exactly crazy about the way she looks either, but= she sure is good with the kids."  Yeah, Ted's wife, she ain't < too good looking.  I don't want to say she's ugly, but every? time they get a little low on spending money, Ted rents her oute@ to cure the hiccups.  Ted says she has kind of an early-american6 look about her; he says she looks just like a buffalo.C   Ted's wife talks a lot too, he figures she speaks up to 140 wordsC@ a minute, with gusts up to 180.  Only time she stops is when herD mother starts.  Old Ted, yeah, he always gets in the last word, evenE if its "Yes, dear."  Yup, Ted's wife, she has a double chin on her...'. The way she talks, too much work for just one.D   Ted walked up to me the other day, said "Boy, my wooden leg painedD me somethin' awful last night."  I said, "Oh, come on, Ted, you knowC your wooden leg can't pain you."  He said "when my wife picks it up 1 and hits me over the head with it, it sure does."iE   Poor old Ted, he stays in trouble at home.  Last week he came up tonD me with a big black eye.  I asked him "What in the world happened toD you?  I thought your wife was visiting her mother."  He said "that's the problem...so did I!"G   I remember the time he had a fight with his mother-in-law....she saidrI "If I was your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee." Ted said, "by golly, C I'll tell you what, if you were my wife, I'd drink the dang stuff!"fE One night last summer, he was sitting on their porch with a bottle ofwI whiskey.  After she hollered at him a while, she took the bottle and tookyI a big swallow and said "This stuff tastes awful!  I don't see how you cancI drink this stuff!"  Ted said "and all this time you thought I was sittings out here having a good time."t  sH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  e( And now for something completely normal: This issue's Shaggy Dog...  .F A man one day went on a journey in the heart of Africa.  In africa theF mythical Foo bird lives.  It has long been rumored that if a Foo  birdF were to crap on you, that it was bad luck to wipe it off.  The man andF his party were walking through the jungle one day when all of a suddenF the man felt something land on his head.  He had been crapped on by  aF bird.  The man was about to wipe it away, when a native guard ran overG and warned him that it was the Foo bird who had crapped on him. KnowingeF of the ancient superstition the man tried to calm the guide  and  tookG his handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped off his head.  Less then a  minute later he dropped dead.m   .                 *** The Moral of The Story ***  o If the Foo shits, wear it...  y LMF H ------------------------------------------------------------------------