D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 14.0                           Issue 13                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             674 lines   6-MAR-1990 19:28P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------H ------------------------------------------------------------------------                 *****    *****                  *****    *** .                  *** **   ***              ***0                  ***  **  ***  ***  ***  *******0                  ***   ** ***  ***  ***  *******3                  ***    *****  ***  ***    ***  *** 2                 *****    *****  ****** **   ******   1    ******               ******               **** 2      ***                 ***                   ***>       ***      ***      ***                    ***  ***   ****@        ***    *****    ***  ******  *** ****   *** ***   ***  **>         ***  *** ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  *****       ***@          ******   ******   ***  ***  ***       *** ***   **  ***?           ****     ****     ******   ***      ****  ***    ****    0                       Electronic Humor Magazine.   ;           Issue013, (Volume III, Number 1).  October, 1986.    7               NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by 9              Brent C.J. Britton  and  Leonard M. Friedman 7              <BRENT@MAINE>            <xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx> H ------------------------------------------------------------------------1                     "Strange, but not a stranger" ;                                              -- David Byrne 5                  "Yes, we're gonna have a wing-ding." <                                              -- Donald FagenH ------------------------------------------------------------------------   +                            WNUT presents...    G  (various brassy chords and a few sparse timpanis thrown in for effect)    D ...the greatest thing to happen to journalism since "Real People"...   )                             NutWorks News )                             -------------    :             With anchors, Vince Peters and Phyllis Frigid!6                All the sports action with Billy Snott!4                  And weather girl Boopsie McBigones!   5                  And now, News Director Vince Peters:    F Vince: Good evening Nutty News watchers!  We're coming to you as we doC     every month, live, from within the pages of NutWorks Electronic       Humor Magazine!  Phyllis...?   9 Phyllis: Thanks, Vince.  Well, it's been a long summer...    ( Vince: Never long enough, right Phyllis?   E Phyllis: Oh Vince, you are just *such* a card!  A-hee-hee-hee-ahem... H     Anyway, we here at WNUT NutWorks News are just *so* glad to be back.
     Vince...?    F Vince: Yes we are Phyllis.  But now, on with the news.  Back issues of:     NutWorks can be retrieved from CSNEWS@MAINE.BITNET andF     TCSSERVE@TCSVM.BITNET by any user who has the time and inclinationI     to send an interactive message.  For more details, send either server "     the msg:  SENDME NUTWORKS INFOB     The publishers welcome requests for information in the form of'     electronic mail files.  Phyllis...?    C Phyllis: Thanks Vince.  You know folks, the first issue of NutWorks A     was written in January of 1985 to alleviate the boredom of an C     otherwise dreary winter.  It was mailed to three or four of the G     author's friends, and it gave them something to do instead of their I     homework, or their *real* work, or whatever it was they were supposed D     to be doing.  Well today, NutWorks is helping more people becomeH     lethargic and non-productive than ever!  NutWorks is mailed directlyI     each month to over 300 subscribers on four networks!  Oooo... doesn't 3     that just give you the warm fuzzies?  Vince...?    G Vince: Thanks Phyllis.  We'll be right back after this message from our      sponsor.   G Sponsor:  Ronco presents:  The Monty Python Collection!  Do these words      mean anything to you? D                              "Hello, I'd like to buy an argument..."     Or how about, 4                              "Warning: Larks Vomit!"     Or, 6                              "Call the Church Police!"     Or, 4                              "Rule 7:  NO POOFTAHS!"     Or, G                              "And it came to pass that Saint Victor was H                               taken from this place to another place..."   B     Still clueless?  To find out which Monty Python sketches these?     passages are from, order the Monty Python Collection today! F     You get 27 songs and sketches!  Send no money now.  Just send mailD     to Clarinet@Yalevmx.BITNET requesting your OWN copy of the MontyC     Python Collection.  That's Clarinet@Yalevmx.  Our operators are $     standing by.  Order yours TODAY!F                                                       (We're Beatrice)   #     And now, back to NutWorks News.    H Phyllis: And here with the all the latest in sports action, Billy Snott.
     Billy...?    E Billy: Zzzzz...  Zzzzz...  Oooohhh... do that some more baby... Ohh..     Phyllis: Billy...?   H Billy: Ungh..snore.. slurp.. MMmmmmmmmmm ... that's soooooo niiiiiice...    Phyllis: Vince?     Vince: BILLY!  WAKE UP!    H Billy: Oh Gawd!  It's your husband, Phyllis!  Quick!  Get up!  I'll hideD     the whipped cream, you hide the vice-grips!  Phyllis?  Phyllis!?    Vince: Phyllis!?!?!     Phyllis: Billy...?    Billy: Boopsie...?    Boopsie: Vince...?   3 Vince:  That's the news!  We'll see you next month!     (more brass and timpanis...)H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   )                              Nuts & Bolts *                             ==============-                         by Brent C.J. Britton    F     Aren't computers grand?  Think about it.  We make them do the mostI tedious, boring, mean, nasty ugly things, and they obey without question. I Of course, if we don't correctly tell them what it is we want them to do, G they won't always comply.  They do whatever we SAY, but if we don't SAY I what we WANT, we get frustrated and say things like "Why won't this thing  work?"H     I guess that's what school is all about.  We hang around this fairlyI neat place for a few years learning how to tell the computer what we WANT H it to do.  If we tell it right, we get an A.  Then, we go out and becomeG employed by a person who wants us to tell HIS computer what HE wants it . to do.  If we do THAT right, we get a Porsche.   E     I know a person who is getting paid to do just that.  Oh, I don't H know him personally, mind you.  But he knows me.  And I'm damn sure thatE his boss's computer knows me.  The wonderful thing about computers is F that they perform the same tasks repetitively within a small period ofG time, and the computer belonging to the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweep- = stakes people is certainly no exception.  And it's looping... G     You see, during the past few months, the computer at the Publishers G Clearinghouse has sent no less than TEN letters to me, really.  And all H of them contain forty or fifty personal references to me, in the form of( what their computer *thinks* my name is.   G     For the record, my name is Brent Cabot James Britton, almost always G written by me as Brent C.J. Britton.  Well some slick, young Joey Cobol F down at the old Publishers Clearinghouse must've forgotten that *some*I people aren't happy with merely *one* middle name.  Fooled ya', smartass! E The letters I get from their computer keep refering to this guy named H Brent Cj Britton.  ("j" is in lower case for you folks reading this on a C64 from your bathtub.) B     It's full of "You, Brent Cj Britton could be the lucky..." andH "...the Brent Cj Britton bank account..." and "...a check in the name ofG Brent Cj Britton..."  Don't they know that "Cj" doesn't even spell any- F thing!?  It's an insult.  I'd probably just throw all the letters awayH if each one didn't scream the all too familiar claim that I "may alreadyG have won" eleventy-zillion dollars payable to me each year until I rot.=     What a bargain!=D     And all I have to do is tear this off, paste the gold seal here,D maybe save a few bucks on a subscription to "My Saviour" or "Barbie"E magazine by tearing the stamps out of the middle of the three-foot by-I eight-foot sheet, stick those there, slap on a postage stamp, and lay the-I whole thing on Fred the mailman next time he comes 'round my front steps.*F     It's a good thing they give me a generous amount of time to do allD this.  Of course, if I'm a big enough procrastinator, and I miss theG deadline -- puppies become dogs sooner than that -- then I can only try I for one-half my would-be winnings.  Like, I'm going to say, "Gee, I could I wait a month and go for the five million... hmm... oh, what the hell, you G only live once right?  I'm gonna be wild and crazy and go for it ALL by ! sending in my sweepstakes TODAY!"   *F     Then I might end up like last years winners, Floydd and Irma Freen@ of Scarsdale Minnesota!  Gee...  I could be... a millionairre...  * bcJbH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  *+                             From the Bridge +                             ===============   s
 Captains Log:  Stardate: 861016 Commander Spock Reporting:    Greetings and Hallucinations:n  yH As you may or may not have noticed, this the first issue  for  the  Fall: '86 term is a bit later than we would have liked it to be.  -H Many of you have noticed that we were late because I have received  lotsH of  mail from you asking me if the greatest invention since toilet paper3 would be continuing on its nutty way this semester.w  eH For the answer to these and many other  fascinating  questions  tune  in	 tommorow.g    Same Nut Time.  - Same Nut station.-  -H Sorry, someone was talking about Batman comics while I was writing this.H I am very happy to annouce that the magazine that you all have  know  to3 and goof off with will be around for this semester.n  sH One little problem I would like to adress is that currently we are shortH of contributions for future issues.  We kind of feel like Nuts without aH squirel.  For those of you who may not know, NutWorks is more than  justH articles  that  Brent  and  I  have  written  or  dug  up.  NutWorks wasH conceived as being a magazine where all the Nuts on the net could  shareH with  the  other  Nuts  on  the  net  their  nutty Works, hence the name NutWorks  iH To share your very own nutty  works  with  other  nuts  please  send  anH original  article  in  a  plain  brown  wrapper  (to  sneak  it past the( liaisons) to either me or BRENT @ MAINE.  i5                  HURRY AND SEND YOU ARTICLE TODAY !!!-  mH We reserve the right not to include any articles deemed in bad taste and$ will not return any unused articles.  r  h$ Some reflections on computer people:  i Computer people are morbid:   r&     Computer people work on TERMINALS.!     Computer people EXECUTE jobs.h#     Computer people TERMINATE jobs.o     Computer People KILL jobs.8     Computer people get POST MORTEM (after death) DUMPS.  T5 Computer people never relax and let things take time:o  t     Computer people RUN jobs.n     Computer people HALT jobs.     Computer people STOP jobs.  f lmf H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   +                          The Debuggers songe+                          ================== 8            (written by Ben (The Happy Hacker) Horowitz.),                         (TIGQC049 at CUNYVM)   5              To be sung to the tune of "Ghostbusters".  e When VM goes crash!  And your program's gonee Who you gonna call...-
 DEBUGGERS! When you're out of funds And no one's in Temp-1 Who you gonna call...i
 DEBUGGERS!  t I ain't afraid of no bug I ain't afraid of no bug  r When your listing says "INCORRECT SYNTAX" Who you gonna call...b
 DEBUGGERS! When you print it local  But it goes to the VAX Who you gonna call...n
 DEBUGGERS!  c I ain't afraid of no bug I ain't afraid of no bug    Who you gonna call... 
 DEBUGGERS!  k Put fingers on keys.
 Type "BUG"
 To call...
 DEBUGGERS!    I ain't afraid of no bug I hear it likes hackers  I ain't afraid of no bug YEAH,YEAH,YEAH,YEAH!    Who you gonna call... 
 DEBUGGERS! You have bugs brotherS Freakin' bugs baby You better call... DEBUGGERS! OOOOOWWWWWW!h  S Let me tell you something  DEBUGGING MAKES ME FEEL GOOD  i I ain't afraid of no bug I ain't afraid of no bug  T Don't debug alone, oh no You better call...
 DEBUGGERS! When it comes through VM Unless you want to see it againo I think you better call... DEBUGGERS! OOOOOWWWWW! Who you gonna call...a
 DEBUGGERS! Who you gonna call...r
 DEBUGGERS!	 LOUDER... 
 DEBUGGERS!  eH ------------------------------------------------------------------------   (                               The plate.'                               =========)   F In the U.S. it is possible to buy a 7-character "personalized" licenseA plate describing the car or the owner.  To apply, one must list 3iB choices in order of preference.  If one's first choice has alreadyC been assigned to another driver, one gets one's second choice, etc.m> These facts and a computer system made the following possible:  BF Mr. X wanted a new plate.  He got the form and filled in his first twoE preferences.  If these two possibilities had already been assigned to C someone else, Mr. X didn't want a personalized plate at all, so for?$ his third choice he wrote "NOPLATE".  n:            He got "NOPLATE" as his new personalized plate.   C At first he got mad, but he mounted it on his car anyway.  Within a-B week he had received offers for over 100 dollars for this ingeniusA plate, and he began to grow partial to it.  In fact, he liked it.    F His feelings changed by the end of the month, however, because by thenE Mr. X had recieved nearly a hundred parking tickets.  Why?  Well, anyyD time a police officer spots a car missing a licence plate, he or she, will write "NOPLATE" on the ticket/citation.  o= The computer matched every single one of these with... Mr. X.w  oE The computer program couldn't be changed, but the ways of the parkingt> guards could.  So don't *EVER* order the custom plate: "NONE".   $ (It would make you Mr. X the second)  r- Niels Kristian Jensen <C838216@NEUVM1> & bcjbwH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  n/ (This just dropped onto my desk from a wormholel- in from the Space-Time-Spam Continuum -- Ed.)   T,                          Cray-7 User's Guide)                             July 30, 1996.,                          ===================  u@      Congratulations on your purchase of the fabulous new Cray-7A   computer.  With proper care your new computer can give you many A   years of useful work and play.  Just follow these simple guide-p   lines and all will be well.s  eC      1. The new tachyonics-based CPU can be dangerous to unshieldedsB   organisms.  Always remember to keep clear of the tachyon chamberC   when the power is on.  Tachyon radiation can be hazardous to youro   age.  .D      2. As with all sensitive equipment, keep water and moisture out&   of the CPU and peripheral equipment.  *E      3. Whenever the CPU is in compute mode, stay at least seven feettD   outside the shield walls.  When computing, the CPU uses computronsB   at a rate hithertofore unknown to Man.  This causes a "computronB   vacuum" in the immediate vicinity.  Thus the CPU may suck up the?   informational content of your DNA should you stray too close.c  uB      4. Due to the local up-grade of the speed of light around the>   Cray-7's Virtually Infinite Associative Memory (VIAM), it isD   imperative that the computer be kept in a dark room.  Strong lightE   will crash the system, and can do irreparable harm to the hardware.m  fC      5. Never put on the High-speed Analog Bionic Interface (HSABI)aB   until the system has completed its automatic check-out sequence.C   When the Omniscience option is present, this can cause a positive @   Zen feedback, resulting in total psyche burnout.  It should be6   avoided, except for an advanced soul under guidance.  aD      6.  And above all, never, never feed the Cray-7 after midnight.  c  o    Author: Brian Utterbacku@ Submitter: Roger Murray <cepu!ucla-an!remsit!rem@LOCUS.UCLA.EDU>H ------------------------------------------------------------------------  s'                                Red Tapeh'                                ========o  s Dear Senator Goldblatt,h   C   My friend Toivo Macki, over in Kingston County, received a $1,000fG check from the Government for not raising hogs.  I am now contemplatingo? going into the lucrative "Not Raising Hogs" business next year.   lD   What I want to know is  --in your opinion--  what is the best kindE of farm not to raise hogs on?  And what are the best kind of hogs not E to raise?  I would prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not E a good breed not to raise, I will just as gladly not raise any Durocs  or Berkshires.   @   The hardest work in this business is going to be in keeping an1 inventory on just how many hogs I haven't raised.-  -C   My friend Toivo is very joyful about the future of this business. D He has been raising hogs for more than 62 years and the most he everE made was $400 in 1918, until this year, when he got a check for $1000i for Not Raising Hogs.n  yC   If I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, then will I also get C $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs, etc?  I plan to operate on a small D scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs, which meansB I will have $80,000 for not raising hogs.  Then maybe I can afford$ food, a house, or maybe even a boat!  yB   Now another thing, these hogs that I will Not Raise will Not EatC 100,000 bushels of corn.  So, can I be paid for not raising 100,000a= bushels of corn to Not Feed the hogs i am Not Going to Raise?o  sB   I want to get started as soon as possible, as this seems to be a+ good time of the year for Not Raising Hogs.f  tC                                                   Very Truly Yours,l?                                                      John Brownr  t= P.S.  Can I raise 10 or 12 hogs on the side while I am in the ?       Not Raising Hogs business, just enough to get a few sidesl       of bacon to eat?  v Larry McPhillips <OTHELLO@UMUC>sF ----------------------------------------------------------------------  a? (The following appeared in the September 1986 issue of "SIGPLANc( Notices" (Volume 21, number 9) -- bcjb.)  o9                Selecting a Programming Language Made Easyn9                ==========================================a  t5                    Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth ?          Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloot4                    Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1  aB    With such a large selection of programming languages, it can beI difficult to choose one for a particular project.  Reading the manuals tolG evaluate the languages is a time-consuming process.  On the other hand,oF most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobilesE compare.  So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we H have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable automobiles:  bH Assembler  - A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and#              expensive to maintain.-: FORTRAN II - A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road. FORTRAN IV - A Model A Ford.H FORTRAN 77 - A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and              no seat belts.4G COBOL      - A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but it does the work. D BASIC      - A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patchedE              upholstry. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. F              You'll ditch the car as soon as you can afford a new one.G PL/I       - A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-oH              tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and1              fuzzy dice hanging in the windshieldfE C          - A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optionalEB              seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to              assembler).5 ALGOL 60   - An Austin Mini. Boy, that's a small car.bA Pascal     - A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was onceo(              popular with intellectuals.6 Modula II  - A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch.D ALGOL 68   - An Astin Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone              can drive it.F LISP       - An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not              available. & PROLOG/LUCID - Prototype concept-cars.% Maple/MACSYMA - All-terrain vehicles.W FORTH      - A go-cart..C LOGO       - A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a realG'              engine and a working horn.-? APL        - A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns of G              passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, iteG              drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek.eC Ada        - An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering,nF              power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard.C              No other colors or options are available. If it's goodn?              enough for the generals, it's good enough for you.dA              Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading then;              design specification are starting to clear up.   oF ----------------------------------------------------------------------' And now some help with commonly used...    (                           COMPUTER LINGO(                           ==============-                     (by A4422DAE at AWIUNI11)h  a  e; 6502             The year you will pay off your computer...a@ BASIC            A programming language used to generate errors. CPU              C3PO's mother0 CRASH            Normal termination of a programG CASSETTE DRIVE   Used as paper weight after buying a floppy disk drive. @ EPROM            Acronym for "Exit Program, Read Owners Manual". DIM ARRAY        Stupid storage.! GOSUB            Very fast U-BoatnE GIGO             "Garbage in, Garbage out", Normal result of computerc                  programs 3 INPUT            Statement that refuses all entriess. KEYBOARD         Random arrangement of letters% LED              Long Expected Defect ' MAGAZINE PROGRAM Typesetters error trap-4 NULL STRING      Normal result of a seven hour sort.8 PROGRAMMER       Knows the location of the on/off switch: RESET            Another way to terminate a four hour sort RS232            R2D2's father= SUBROUTINE       Section of a program that cannot be accessed 1 TERMINAL         Mental state of most programmerst8 WAIT             WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT TO DO ???????????   F ----------------------------------------------------------------------  o-                          George Takes up Golf -                          ====================    C    My wife said to me, "George, it's about time you learned to playlE golf.  You know,  that's the game where you chase a ball all over the + county when you're too old to chase women."u   C    So I went to see Jones and asked him if he could teach me how too5 play.  He said, "Sure, you've got balls haven't you?"    F    I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda' hard to find".  hC    "Bring them to the club house tomorrow," he said, "and we'll teeh off."e  k    "What's 'tee off"?" I asked.u  nC    He said, "It's a golf term, and we have to 'tee off' in front of  the club house."  nE    "Not for me, you can 'tee off' there if you want to, but I'll 'teel  off' behind the barn somewhere."  dD    "No no," he said, "a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger."    (    I said, "Yes, I've got one of those".  tF    "Well," he said, "you stick it in the ground and stick your ball on top of it".   eA    I asked, "Do you play golf sitting down?  I always thought youh stood up and walked around."  tD    "You do!" he said.  "You're standing up when you put your ball onD the tee".  Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a little bit too far, and I said so.,  c+    He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"        "Sure!" I said.  e7    He asked, "Can't you open the bag and take one out?"h   A    I said, "I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to!"  HeLE asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him, "No, I had-C the old fashioned type".  Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my C club.  Well, I told him that after fifty years I should have *some*  sort of an idea!  kE    He said, "You take your club in both hands".  (Folks, I knew rightnD then and there that he didn't know what he was talking about.)  Then+ he said, "You swing it over your shoulder!"    D    "No no, that's not me," I said, "that's my brother you're talking about".o  o,    He asked me, "How do you hold your club?"  gF    I said, "In two fingers."  He said that wasn't right and got behindC me, and told me to bend over and he would show me how.  He couldn'ty> catch me there because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing!   B    He said, "You hit the ball with your club, and it will soar andD soar".  I said I could well imagine!  Then he said, "And when you're on the green..."  s    "What's a green?" I asked.    '    "That's where the hole is," he said.u  l*    "Sure you're not color blind?" I asked.   1    "No!" he said.  "Then you take your putter..."o  aB    "What's a putter?" I asked.  He said that was the smallest club made.   p9    "Well then," I said, "that's what I've got, a putter!"d   >    "...and with it," he said, "you put your ball in the hole".  n&    "You mean the putter." I corrected.  oA    He said, "The ball!  The hole isn't big enough for the putter.tD Then after you make the first hole you go on to the next seventeen."  i>    He wasn't talking to me.  After two holes I'm shot to hell.  aC    "You mean", he said, "you can't make eighteen holes in one day?"l  aD    "Hell no," I says, "it takes me eighteen days to make *one* hole!B Besides, how do I know when I'm at the eighteenth hole?"  He said, "The flag will say so."    ;    That would be just my luck, so I said to HELL with golf.   o Dave CrowleyF ----------------------------------------------------------------------   D An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,D reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy god motherC appears in front of her and informs her that she can have any threef wishes she wants."  oD "Well," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."  L4 *** POOF *** her rocking chair turned to solid gold.  =E "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young beautiful princess."e  u4 *** POOF *** she turns into a young beautiful woman.   . "Your third wish?", asked the fairy godmother.   E Just then the old woman's cat walks across the porch in front of thema7 "Can you change him into a handsome prince?", she asks.p  eG *** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than shep she had ever imagined possible.t  oC With a smile that makes her kness weak, he then saunters across ther porch and whispers in her ear,  i4              "Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"  m lmfsF ----------------------------------------------------------------------2 Issue 013, (Volume III, Number 2).  October, 1986.