D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 15.0                           Issue 14                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             399 lines   6-MAR-1990 19:32P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------H ------------------------------------------------------------------------                 *****    *****                  *****    *** .                  *** **   ***              ***0                  ***  **  ***  ***  ***  *******0                  ***   ** ***  ***  ***  *******3                  ***    *****  ***  ***    ***  *** 2                 *****    *****  ****** **   ******   1    ******               ******               **** 2      ***                 ***                   ***>       ***      ***      ***                    ***  ***   ****@        ***    *****    ***  ******  *** ****   *** ***   ***  **>         ***  *** ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  *****       ***@          ******   ******   ***  ***  ***       *** ***   **  ***?           ****     ****     ******   ***      ****  ***    ****    0                       Electronic Humor Magazine.   ;           Issue014, (Volume III, Number 2).  December, 1986    7               NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by 7                Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>    C     We attempt to procure or produce original humorous articles for C     publication.  We apologize if any articles appearing herein are =     not credited to the original author(s).  Really, we do...    H ------------------------------------------------------------------------5                  "I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat." H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   '                               NewsWorks '                               =========    H     In what he called "my worst surge of procrastination since I put offE changing my underwear for 3 years as a child," the editor of NutWorks F magazine said today that he halted publication of the electronic humorD magazine for the entire month of November because, "it seemed like aD pretty good thing to do at the time, what with all the snow and rainG and final exams coming up you know, I just didn't feel much like coming 6 in to the office all month so I pretty much didn't..."H     The NutWorks editor said that he enjoyed his sabattical so much thatI he figured more folks should try it sometime, so he has advised President C Reagan to officially declare the month of November a legal holiday. D     When asked for comment, the President had this to say: "Well..."B     In response to allegations that he spent the month of NovemberD entrenched deeply in the American sale of Arms to Iran, the NutWorksF editor said, "Ummm... upon the advice of counsel, I respectfully drink a fifth..."    $     And now a word from our sponsor.   )                              ------------    A Music:  There's no slowin' down at the Silver Bullet toni-ight...    * Actor1: Gee, this is a pretty neat tavern. Actor2: Yep...> Actor1: Are we supposed to be trying to sell Coors Light Beer? Actor2: Indirectly.  Actor1: Whatd'ya' mean? B Actor2: We're supposed to say funny things and show a lot of happyF         people so people will think that drinking Coors will make them         popular and attractive.  Actor1: Oh.  I see. B Actor2: We're also trying to make people associate us with another(         renowned drinking establishment. Norm:   Hello everybody... Everybody: NORM! Norm:   Oops, wrong bar... Actor2: See? Actor1: I get it!    ? Music:  There's no slowin' down at the Silver Bullet toni-ight!    )                              ------------         And now, back to the news.   D     Announcing the NutWorks Call for Song Parodies!  Got a little ofD "Weird Al" in you?  The staff of NutWorks plans to dedicate a futureD issue solely to the publication of song parodies.  If have written aD song parody, and would like to have it published in the special SongD Parody Issue, send it to BRENT@MAINE.BITNET as soon as possible.  WeE request that each submission contain some hint as to which song it is = a parody of, preferably in the form: "Sung to the tune of..." G The special Song Parody Issue will only be published if enough original / song parodies are received by February 1, 1987.    H ------------------------------------------------------------------------)                              Nuts & Bolts *                             ==============-                         by Brent C.J. Britton    G     Well folks, it's that time of the Terran rotation again.  And don't E act like you weren't expecting it!  You there, in the back.  Yes you! E Stop pretending to study for those final exams and get with it!  It's E time again!  It's time to go into the attic and get the tree out from G under the summer clothes.  It's time to sit down for a few hours with a D pair of pliers and a cigarette lighter trying to untangle your sevenI strings of blinking, multi-colored lights.  It's time to open that sacred B box of decorations only find that the cat has shredded the tinsel,D squashed the bulbs, and pooped on the garland.  Dammit, it's time to spike the nog!/     That's right friends, Christmas is upon us.      Yes, I said Christmas.H     Right here in River City.  With a capital "C" and that doesn't rhymeF with "X" but that spells "Xmas" too.  And friends, it's time again forF each and every one of us to postpone our pressing engagements in favorE of getting some of that festive yuletide cheer hammered squarely down I our throats.  Why?  It's tradition.  In fact, it's been a tradition since B about the year n A.D., where "n" is a very small positive integer.D     You see, roughly two thousand years ago, it is said, a child wasG given birth by a virgin.  (An event in itself worthy of yearly celebra- F tion, in my humble opinion.)  So rare was a Divine conception in thoseC days that The Birth was attended by several leading dignitaries who G brought gifts for the child and his mother.  "Hark," said they, for the  Herald Angels were singing. I     Anyhow, the child grew up to become a big supporter of peace on Earth I and goodwill toward men, and for this He was crucified by some people who , just didn't have their shit together at all.;     It is in honor of this man that we celebrate Christmas. F     (Note: The above story has been somewhat abbreviated, for the sakeF of space.  For the complete details, see the second half of the large,F black book normally found in the top drawer of the night stand in most
 hotel rooms.)    G     It is certainly no suprise, (considering the natural human tendency E to completely miss the point of anything more meaningful than a Certz F commercial), that Christmas, being a birthday party of massive propor-G tions, is commonly referred to as "The Holiday Gift Buying Season."  To E many people, the "meaning of Christmas" is closely tied to the act of H trading enormous sums of cash in exchange for retail goods.  These itemsC are then wrapped and bound in multicolored paper, ribbons and bows, F (preferably by a member of that elite group of people who posseses theE dexterity to "do the ends"), and then handed over as gifts to friends I and family.  The gift recipients, in turn, mutilate said wrapping, brief- G ly admire said item, and then trade it back to the retailer in exchange < for the abovementioned cash.  It's a bookkeeper's nightmare.H     But, it's a child's dream!  After all, Christmas *is* for the child-I ren, right?  Little Johnny wants a set of Ultra-Destructo-Man toy weapons F which can be set on "stun," "kill," or "liquify" and with which he canH shred the table-cloth, for example, or decapitate the dog.  Little SusieF wants a doll which she can cause to urinate on demand, she hopes, uponF Little Johnny.  If either of these toys aren't found under the tree onH Christmas morning, the children will only stop long enough to wish a pox' on Mommy and Daddy before running away.N  OE     So friends, let's deck the halls with gobs of holly, toss another=E Kingsford Quik-Lite Yule Log into the fireplace, kill an evergreen or=G two, devour a Canadian water fowl, lift our glasses high in celebration D of Christmas, and be mirthful in the knowledge that the broken bonesD sustained in last year's Race for the Cabbage Patch Dolls are nearly healed.  Merry Christmas.-  -G ------------------------------------------------------------------------   I   Hi, I'm Sam Kennyson and when I'm not doing my stand up comedy routine, C I like to read NutWorks Humor Magazine.  It's The BEST THING THAT'S*I HAPPENED TO ME SINCE MY FIFTH DIVORCE!!! AAUUGHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGHHHH!!    H ------------------------------------------------------------------------  *5                 'Twas the Night Before Implementation 5                  ==================================== 7                Submitted by Wildebeest <33000003@UNFVM>*   @ 'Twas the night before implementation and all through the house,.   Not a program was working not even a browse./ The programmers hung by their tubes of despair,*/   with hope that a miracle would soon be there. . The users were nestled all snug in their beds,2   while visions of inquires danced in their heads.8 When out of the machine room there arose such a clatter,3   I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.u, And what to my wondering eyes should appear,4   but a super programmer, (with a six-pack of beer).* His resume glowed with experience so rare,5   he turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair. / More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,t5   and he cursed and muttered and called them by name.-) On update! on add! on inquiry! on delete!-3   on batch jobs! on closing! on functions complete! 3 His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,-2   from weekends and nights in front of the screen., A wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head,.   soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.3 He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,e4   turning spec's into code; then turned with a jerk;+ And laying his finger upon the "ENTER" key,o*   the system came up and worked perfectly./ The updates updated, the deletes, they deleted;m1   the inquiries inquired, and closings completed.o, He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,   with nary an abend, and all had gone well.2 The system was finished, the tests were concluded.-   the user's last changes were even included.W0 And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,4   "It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"   H ------------------------------------------------------------------------  b*                             Dear Dr. Diag:)                             =============.   E Note: Dr. Diag will attempt to answer questions on any subject, if herE       can.  If he can't, he'll make you feel stupid for asking.  Sendr:       your questions to "Dr. Diag" c/o Brent@Maine.BITNET.  k >Dear Dr. Diag, F >    I have a lot of trouble understanding the principle of Recursion.. >My final exam is next week!  Can you help me? >    Signed, Shallow.t  n
 Dear Shallow, :     Recursion is best explained by the following anecdote:  oF    A theoretical mathemetician is suprised one day to find his desk on9 fire.  He runs to the extinguisher and douses the flames.tD    The next day he looks up from his book to see that his wastepaperG basket is on fire.  Quickly he takes the basket and empties it onto hisi desk which begins to burn.H    Having thus reduced the problem to one he has already solved, he goes back to his reading.  lH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  a,                           The Owner's Manual,                           ==================  t=         CONGRATULATIONS ON BUYING YOUR NEW PULENBERE FRASHNED    +                            READ THIS FIRST!i  tG Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would D give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that youF will undoubtly destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.>     Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THISC OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADYcF UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNEDD IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILDE WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER ANDeE SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,-F RIGHT?  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY' BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?=  =G We're sorry.  We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always @ getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that theF consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days.  So, inG writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skullnG is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it.  OK?  Now let'su talk about:   'E 1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE.  The device is encased in foam to protect ittB from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spearsF into outgoing boxes.  PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHESB OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, ANDF SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.  Ida Mae reallyE wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and D her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on theD whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim BeamG in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question.  You see, it isrF not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.  tB WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANYE OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.oE If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missingiA one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chillingi@ manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.t   + Besides the device, the box should contain:n  r? * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"i  hC * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommetsw+ and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.t   G YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.   uF IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to yourD spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a carI that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King withouteB a major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's why."  a9 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.i  eH 2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the latestF thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in aH continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electricalE current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged,C Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other.  YournG device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consistw3 of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.o/                       DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! F Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight,- and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.f  eG WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARPaG OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT,d  AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.  .H 3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE.  WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVEB DESIGNER CASE.  THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE AREH MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN.  THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEYF PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN' BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.e   I INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that I NEVER to hold these buttons two times!!  Except the battery.  Next takingtI the earth section may cause a large occurrence!  However.  If this is not I a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainance action, as a kindly smallg virepoint from Drawing B.t  hG 4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but notfH excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied againstE all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now andaG Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer-G will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People,'B who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed toH cleanse it of evil spirits.  This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.   F WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.-  -H ------------------------------------------------------------------------  e&                                Bad Day&                                =======2                    From Howie Kaye <Ui.Kaye@CU20B>    Background:oF User is having problems with unlabeled tape, consultant calls operator to mount tape...   G Consultant: Hello, this is the consultant.  There are two tapes waitingc=    to be mounted on the DEC20 machine.  Could you mount them?e  b> Operator: No dis is nod dee consultan.  You have to call down-  oB Consultant: No, this is the consultant, can you mount the tapes...   D Operator: (still speaking) No dis is nod dee consultan.  You have to           call uh...  aB Consultant: No- wait, *I* am the consultant.  You are an Operator.1             there are two tapes to be mounted on-h  sH Operator:  Ohhhhh *you* are de consultan (revelation).  Wha do you want?  n7 Consultant: There are two tapes to be mounted on CU20A.o  n' Operator: Tapes on CU20A... ok. (click)l  nH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  n)                              The Argumentt)                              ============   hA     A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguingn> about whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of theirE arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon"G the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, becausetF Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."B     The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at theD Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out ofF that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an architect." A     The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,-2 "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"  -H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   G     A very popular attraction at the traveling circus was Great ZambininF The Firewalker, who strolled barefoot across a pile of burning wood toF the wonderment of paying circus-goers.  Some of the local boys who gotF in to see Great Zambini, being woodsmen, immediately recognized him toG be a fraud because he was walking across pine branches.  And any woods-pE man worth his salt knows that pine branches don't burn very hot, they F just smoke a lot, so it would be entirely possible for Zambini to makeB it across a pile of burning pine branches with no pain whatsoever.I     Well, these fellows didn't like the idea of Zambini getting away with F such fraudulence, so, in the wee hours of the night, they sneeked into8 the circus and doused the Zambini's pines with gasoline.E     The next day, when Great Zambini did his morning show, he made itsB about half way over the pile of burning wood when the gas ignited.D     "Yowee!" screamed Great Zambini as his feet began to fry, and he% jumped from the pines to safe ground. H     "Umm... Ladies and Gentlemen," he said, stomping his feet to get theB last of the flames out, "I'm afraid I won't be able to continue myE performance this morning.  You see, these are not my pines!  In fact, ( 'These are pines that fry men's soles.'"   H ------------------------------------------------------------------------1 Issue014, (Volume III, Number 2).  December, 1986 