D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 16.0                           Issue 15                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             421 lines   6-MAR-1990 19:35P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------H ------------------------------------------------------------------------                 *****    *****                  *****    *** .                  *** **   ***              ***0                  ***  **  ***  ***  ***  *******0                  ***   ** ***  ***  ***  *******3                  ***    *****  ***  ***    ***  *** 2                 *****    *****  ****** **   ******   1    ******               ******               **** 2      ***                 ***                   ***>       ***      ***      ***                    ***  ***   ****@        ***    *****    ***  ******  *** ****   *** ***   ***  **>         ***  *** ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  *****       ***@          ******   ******   ***  ***  ***       *** ***   **  ***?           ****     ****     ******   ***      ****  ***    ****    0                       Electronic Humor Magazine.;            Issue015, (Volume IV, Number 1).  January, 1987.    7               NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by 7                Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET> H ------------------------------------------------------------------------4                   "Kinky" is when you use a feather;:             "perverted" is when you use the whole chicken.H ------------------------------------------------------------------------'                                Contents '                                ========    >            NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest6            Nuts & Bolts ................... Commentary0            The King of Beers .............. Joke9            Compaq ......................... Advertisement             How to Know When 2            You're Growing Older ........... Advice8            Nature's Kitchen ............... Announcement6            Mr. Smith ...................... Shaggy Dog   H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   '                               NewsWorks '                               =========    G     Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea, partic- F ularly a certain speedboat off the coast of Florida: DON'T LAND AT KEYG WEST!  REPEAT: DON'T HIT KEY WEST!  THEY'RE ONTO US!  THEY'RE... (thud)    H     (We apologize for the previous news announcement.  We return you now) to our regularly scheduled news program.)    F     A hardy "Hi folks!" to the latest subscribers to this journal.  WeE hope you enjoy it!  If you do, tell two friends about it, and they'll E tell two friends, and so on, and so on, and we'll just have to have a H massive party to celebrate!  OK?  Great!  BYOx (where "x" is a member of6 a finite set of intoxicating and/or obscene elements.)   E     Just a reminder that back issues of NutWorks are available almost D anywhere.  When in doubt, however, you can retrieve back issues from: TCSSERVE@TCSVM.BITNET by sending it the following message:        SENDme NUTWORKS ISSUExxx   G At any given time, the six most recent back issues of NutWorks can also A be retrieved from CSNEWS@MAINE.BITNET by sending it this message:    '     SENDme NUTWORKS ISSUExxx FROM EMAGS    H If you can't send messages, or are just plain lazy or something, you canF request back issues of NutWorks by sending a MAIL file to the NutWorksF editor and, if he is having a reasonably stress-free day, he will shipG the back issues out to you as fast as his little fingers can carry him.    E     The NutWorks staff would like to remind readers that the deadline H for submitting your song parodies (for the Special Song Parody Issue) is< February 1, 1987.  Here's an small example of a song parody:   +                           Social Quarantine +                           ----------------- 5                 Sung to the tune of: Yellow Submarine                        In the town'                       where I was born,                     Lived a man"                       who had V.D.                    And he gave&                       it to the girls,                     And the girls&                       gave it to me...                    <chorus> 6                    We all live in a social quarantine,(                    ...social quarantine,(                    ...social quarantine.   G As always, we are eager to receive *any* original, humorous articles on 8 any topic.  All contributions may be sent to the editor.                    Thanks,%                    The NutWorks Staff     ______________________; _#____________________ <---------- Recent photograph of the = ______________________             NutWorks staff on vacation 3 ______________________             in the key of G.  ______________________   H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   )                              Nuts & Bolts *                             ==============-                         by Brent C.J. Britton    F     Vacations from school are nice because they allow people to escapeG the day-to-day drudgery of having to fabricate excuses for not going to F class.  I always look forward to school vacations because they give meC time to do things which I have been meaning to do all semester, but H didn't, because I was spending too much time Not Going to Class.  DuringI this past vacation, for example, I confirmed my sneaking suspicion that I " do, in fact, own a television set.G     I found it right where I recall leaving it last summer: just across I the living room from the sofa and the remote control.  The remote control E is a wholly remarkable device which, if used regularly, can cause the C average fit, active human being to turn into a lazy, smelly lump of F immovable jelly.  The advantage of having a remote control is that youH can use it to quickly change the station when an advertisement comes on.G Before the remote control was invented, the only way people could avoid G watching advertisements was to get up and go to the bathroom.  This was I especially inconvenient before indoor plumbing was developed because then H people had to get up and go to the outhouse.  Sometimes I try to see howH many things in my living room I can point my remote control at and stillF make the television work.  I've found that mirrors do this nicely.  MyE face doesn't.  I hope that pointing the remote control at my face and , pressing the buttons doesn't give me cancer.   E     I am finally convinced that television news people think that the I American public has Hellman's Real Mayonnaise for brains.  During my stay F in front of the television set last week, the one big news item I keptG hearing about, over and over again, was the simply fascinating story of H Ronald Reagan's enlarged prostate gland.  (It seems that, whereas formerF President Carter would retreat to Camp David when he felt like gettingG away from the White House, Reagan prefers to go to the hospital to have E some part of his body removed.)  I'm sure it's newsworthy when Ronald G Reagan undergoes some sort of surgery -- I mean, he IS the President of G United States and all -- but I, for one, and damn sick of being made to I view diagrams of the inside of his body.  Some of the news programs I saw F even had small teams of urologists standing by to explain what sort ofE punishment they give to someone who has an enlarged prostate and what F sort of pointy objects get inserted into his body.  Don't believe whatF anyone tells you about doctors; they are all sadistic maniacs who like7 to hurt sick people by poking them with pointy objects. E     The news people also mentioned that, seeing how the President was H in the neighborhood, he was going to visit the Presidential ProctologistE to have his colon checked for something called polyps.  (I don't knowPI just what a polyp is, but it seems that the President doesn't want any on E his colon.)  The news people were pleased as punch about this because=C they got to display more disgusting diagrams of the interior of the H Presidential Posterior.  And the team of medical people were right thereF to tell us in great detail what the Presidential Proctologist would beF doing inside the Oval Orifice.  To him, I suppose a colon by any otherG name smells the same, but talk about having your finger on the pulse of  the nation!!I     It seems that while Reagan was being admitted to the hospital to have G all these horrible things done to his person, he allegedly made several F urological jokes.  No one on the news actually said what a "urologicalG joke" is mind you, but I can just hear the President saying "Well, Doc,*H when I bend over, how about humming a few bars of 'Hail to the Cheeks'?"   H     Oh Well, it's about time to start Not Going to Class again.  I leave7 you with this ancient salutation, in the !Tung dialect:    = "Wikky wikky ratyak, sapdew fizwot, HOY salrot, klakkacheez."*   F Translation: "May you never get polyps on your colon from pointing theD               remote control at your face and pressing the buttons."    bcjbH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  (+                           The King of Beers +                           =================y  hE The Budweiser marketing executives held their annual planning session-A with their advertising agency.  The ad agency gave them a new and  FABULOUS plan.  n? Irving Schlock, the ad agency account executive, suggested thatoC Budweiser offer the Pope $1 Million per year if he will send out an-F edict changing the Lord's Prayer line from "Give us this day our daily+ bread" to "Give us this day our daily Bud."    E The Bud executives thought this was fantastic and shipped off a staffNF representative to Rome to make the offer.  The representative only gotG to see a bishop, who ordered him thrown out amid cries of "Sacrilege!!"s  nG He returned to the President of Budweiser, who told him to up the offer. to $1 million per month.  'D This time the Budweiser man got in to see a Cardinal, told him aboutG the proposed change from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us-I this day our daily Bud."  The Cardinal, enraged, also had him thrown out, C saying, "The Lord's Prayer is NOT for sale, commercialistic swine!"d  s( Back to the Budweiser President he went.   F This time the president said that he had certain connections and wouldC make some calls in advance, guaranteeing the rep would see the PopedF himself, not just some flunkies.  Also, said the president, "Offer theF Pope $1 million a week.  "This is so big we can't miss it.  It'll blow Miller out of the water!"s  bD Back in the Vatican, the Budweiser Rep enters a room filled with theC church hierarchy, begins to give his presentation -- cries of "out"nB begin, when the Pope comes in.  He asks that the Rep be heard in aH respectful manner, but first wants to leave for a moment.  The Pope goesE down the hallway to his business manager's office.  Entering, he saysa( "Guido, get out the Lord's Prayer file."  t0 "Sure, your Holiness, what do you need to know?"  E8 "How long before our deal expires with Pepperidge Farm?"  EH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  s7 (Taken from an actual Compaq ad in a British magazine.)T   2 Compaq Wishes To Apologize For This Advertisement.  SE In particular, we wish to apologize for the headline.  We suggest youaE skip it and go straight to the rest of the ad, after which you shouldMD simply FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON.  If you haven't got time to readD the ad, SIMPLY FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON.  On your way to POST THEF COUPON you may pass a COMPAQ dealer in which case simply GO IN AND BUY3 A COMPAQ.  This will save you the price of a stamp.u  oG HOW TO PROVE THAT COMPAQ RUNS 30% FASTER THAN IBM.  Buy two greyhounds,rH name one COMPAQ and the other IBM.  Feed COMPAQ on lean steak and IBM onF old socks stuffed with rabbit droppings.  After a month, enter both inE the 3.30 at Hackney and you will notice that Compaq runs at least 30% G faster than IBM.  Of course, this test is totally unfair and one-sided,vA but gives the same result as racing the computers in your office.d   F PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST NASTY ACCIDENTS.  (Picture of statue w/o armsF or legs is shown at left.)  This is what happens to computer operatorsD who lose all the data on an important disk.  Protect yourself with aG built-in tape back-up safety system.  Too bad if you own an IBM or some., other make, only COMPAQ computers have them.  i SIN IN STYLE -- SOFTWEAR WORLD. E Sorry.  Wrong.  Terribly sorry.  Sorry to disappoint those of you who H were hoping for something titillating, but this whole section is in factI the result of a silly spelling mistake.  Instead of softwear, please read_C software.  Then reach for any IBM catalogue, in which you will find_H listed thousands of programs you can run on COMPAQ computers.  So sorry.  -? WHAT PERCENTAGE OF IBM SOFTWARE WILL RUN ON A COMPAQ?  By sheer I coincidence, this is the same percentage of waiters in Indian restaurants=F who hail from the small Bangladeshi town of Sylhet.  Nearly 100%.  For? further details and first-class lamb dhansak, ring 01-836 9787.h  aI BYTES OF RAM.  The compaq deskpro 286 offers 8.2 megabytes of RAM.  IBM's F PC AT can only manage a 3 megabyte nibble.  Cheez, even our carry-away Portable does 2.6 megabytes.  nI THE COMPAQ DUAL_MODE MONITOR.  At last, a monitor lizard that can displaytE both high resolution text and high resolution graphics on one screen.mH IBM's (and all their spawn) need separate iguanas for text and graphics.C More details from our sales reptiles.  Contact them on 01-940 8860.   iG SIMPLE ANT MATHS: LESSON 1.  Let one ant equal one byte of information.w@ COMPAQ's built-in mass storage can hold 70,000,000 of the littleG blighters, (30,000,000 more than IBM can).  Now calculate how many antso- are needed to fill the great pyramid of Giza.c  r FILL IN THIS COUPON NOW.G  ______________________________________________________________________eH |                                                                      |H | TO: COMPAQ Computer Ltd., Freepost, Richmond, Surrey, TW91BR.        |H | I understand that COMPAQ computers run IBM software 30% faster, are  |H | more powerful with more storage, a unique tape backup system and dual|H | mode monitor, but frankly I can't believe COMPAQ's are this good,    |H | otherwise why isn't everyone using them except come to think of it   |H | COMPAQ is already No. 2 in the States but then the Yanks are a funny |H | bunch I mean they eat raw steak for breakfast and they've all got    |H | absurd names like Chuck and Waldo of course everyone's always        |H | knocking America but where would we be without the Harvey Wallbanger |H | so rush me more details of your marvelous computers.                 |H |                                                                      |H | Name _______________________________________________________________ |H | Company_____________________________________________________________ |H | Inside Leg_________________  Favourite Singer_______________________ |H | Address_____________________________________________________________ |H |                                                                      |H | AMAZING FREE OFFER.  We'll give you a COMPAQ DESKPRO 286 ABSOLUTELY  |H | FREE when you give us 3,694.99 pounds.                               |H |                                                                      |H | (  ) tick here for FREE death watch beetle.                          |H |______________________________________________________________________|  sH ------------------------------------------------------------------------   5                 How to Know When You're Growing Olderh5                 =====================================v  t9 -   Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.oA -   The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.uB -   You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.= -   Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.t! -   You get winded playing chess.s, -   Your children begin to look middle-aged.$ -   You begin to outlive enthusiasm.3 -   Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.r< -   A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.? -   You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions. ' -   You look forward to a dull evening.p@ -   You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your
     bifocals.hA -   Your favourite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today".aI -   You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than for romantic. 6 -   You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.* -   Your knees buckle and your belt won't.7 -   You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.CD -   After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before     applying a second coat.i( -   Dialing long distance wears you out.= -   You're no longer startled to be addressed as "ol' timer".hC -   The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock goes off. 9 -   You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. H -   The little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.* -   You burn the midnight oil after 9 P.M.( -   Your back goes out more than you do.E -   You get too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine      cabinet.F -   You get your exercise acting as a pall bearer for your friends who
     exercise.e   
 Frans J. WardOH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  o0                       Nature's Kitchen Presents:/                       =========================r  rD     From the people who brought you blood, sweat and earwax, AND theG people who have produced such delectable delights as "Cream of Spinach"p    we proudly present...a  e1                       Campbell's Primordial Soup!y0                       --------------------------  dI     That's right, Campbell's Soup inc. has merged with Mother Nature ltd.oH to bring you this primal mixture of complex organic compounds (includingF stringey strands of RNA), which is sure to please even the most highlyH evolved palettes.  This tasty dish can be eaten alone, or can easily actH as the basic building block for more complex culinary creations, such as   ,                           Protazoan Pottage,*                              Fishy Bisque,*                              Baked Amoeba,$                                  and1                       Self-replicating Succotash.u  sE     Campbell's Primordial Soup, (the first in our nutritious new linetF of Mankindhandlers) is ALL NATURAL with no additives or preservatives,F and each can contains a full day's supply of vitamins and amino acids.- An evolutionary soup for an evolving species.r  hE     Also try Campbell's CHUNKY Primordial Soup!  So chunky, you'll beeF tempted to use your hands, but use a fork, before it gets up and walks away.t  r Ken Vincent & bcjbH ------------------------------------------------------------------------<          Yellow sign spotted in the rear window of a hearse:  "#                                   .o%                                 /   \o'                               / Dead  \E)                             .  guy on   .-'                               \ board /n%                                 \   /m#                                   .o  eH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  d+                            Shaggy Dog Storyh+                            ================l   G   One Thursday evening Mr. Smith was sitting in his favourite armchair, F   drinking a beer, and watching football, when he had this sudden urge$   to pass wind.  This he duly did...  s       '...phurpppHONDA!'  PG   'Weird' thought Mr. Smith, but thought nothing of it, until 5 minutesP   later, when...  A       '...phurpppHONDA!'   G   At this he got worried.  He rushed to the local hospital, and managed 6   to get an appointment with an intestinal specialist.  t=   "What seems to be the problem Mr. Smith?" asked the doctor.   sI   "Well, whenever I pass wind, it seems to make a noise like a motorbike"d   replied Mr Smith.e  hI   "Could you possibly show me?' asked the doctor.   Mr Smith duly obligedF  A   '...phurpppHONDA!'  iE   "Bend over please Mr Smith, I'd like to examine you... (muffled) aheG   yes, I see your problem," said the doctor "you have an abcess on youro3   backside.  That would explain the strange noise."s  .F   Mr. Smith was lost for words. "How," he asked "could an abcess on my   ass make a noise like that!?"O  E!   "Simple," replied the doctor...y2                  "abcess makes the fart go HONDA!"  p) Submitted by Matt Brunton (MATT @ UKACRL)lH ------------------------------------------------------------------------/ Issue015, (Volume IV, Number 1).  January, 1987 