D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 17.0                           Issue 16                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             488 lines   6-MAR-1990 19:37P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------                 *****    ***** Special          *****    *** . Song Parody      *** **   ***              ***0 Issue!!          ***  **  ***  ***  ***  *******0                  ***   ** ***  ***  ***  *******3                  ***    *****  ***  ***    ***  *** 2                 *****    *****  ****** **   ******   1    ******               ******               **** 2      ***                 ***                   ***>       ***      ***      ***                    ***  ***   ****@        ***    *****    ***  ******  *** ****   *** ***   ***  **>         ***  *** ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  ***  *****       ***@          ******   ******   ***  ***  ***       *** ***   **  ***?           ****     ****     ******   ***      ****  ***    ****    0                       Electronic Humor Magazine.;           Issue016, (Volume IV, Number 2).  February, 1987.    7               NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by 7                Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET> H ------------------------------------------------------------------------2                     "Ods my Bodkins.  A beanstalk.5                  And all the way up to the sky, too." H                                                  -- Daffy Duck as "Jack"H ------------------------------------------------------------------------'                                Contents '                                ========    9               Nuts & Bolts ................... Commentary 5               A Better Model ................. Parody 5               Don't Have a Conniption ........ Parody 5               Water .......................... Parody 5               Into the Tube .................. Parody 5               Friend of the System ........... Parody 5               Don't Call from Home ........... Parody 5               Put Another Password In ........ Parody 5               The Disks of Unix .............. Parody 5               A Better Model ................. Parody    H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   )                              Nuts & Bolts *                             ==============-                         by Brent C.J. Britton    G     My sincere apologies to those of you who have been patiently await- C ing the arrival of this, the Special Song Parody Issue of NutWorks. H I am so deeply entrenched in the quagmire of mid-semester classwork thatF I have little time to sit and put issues of NutWorks together.  It hasG been at least 3 days since I have read anything humorous, and now, I've H gained weight, my face broke out, I'm nauseous, I'm constipated, my feetH swelled, my gums are bleeding, my sinuses are clogged, I have heartburn, I'm cranky, and I have gas. I     The next issue of NutWorks will be out in the first or second week of D March, depending solely on the whim of 4 or 5 college professors whoD seem to think that Florida isn't a good place for me to spend spring break.F     Enough of these idle complaints.  Don't let the size of this issueG scare you.  As they say in the more relaxed installations, "Don't sweat  it, it's only ones and zeros."    bcjbH ------------------------------------------------------------------------   .                        Don't Have a Conniption.                        =======================-                         by Brent C.J. Britton 8              Sung to the tune of "Walk Like an Egyptian"*                             by the Bangles   ,            All the system ops in this place,)            They monitor me, just for fun.             If I logon here,             (ohwayoh)3            They force me off 'fore my profile runs.    %            'Cause I have a reputation 1            For doing things which I shouldn't be,             Like running CHATS,            (ohwayoh)%            And bootlegging Lotus-123.    3            So you see, when they yell at me, I say, #            (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh) '            "Don't have a conniption..."    ,            Found how to change all my privs;-            I didn't know that I broke a rule.             I forced the op,             (ohwayoh)7            I dropped the link, then I purged the spool.    *            All the sys ops, so sick of me,+            They don't let my databases run.             I broke CP,            (ohwayoh)*            They had a big fat connip-tion.   ,            When they NOLOG my account, I say#            (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh) '            "Don't have a conniption..."    *            They've hated me since I stored            Inside the real PSW. $            We crashed hard you know,            (ohwayoh))            I guess I forgot a bit or two.    -            If you want to find software cops, 5            They're hanging out in the software shops.              They kick your pants,            (ohwayoh)-            And give the boot to your VMBLOCK.    #            I ran my Turing Machine; &            Another one was assembl'in.%            And it crunched all night,             (ohwayoh)*            The system op had connip'tions.   8            To software cops in the software shops, I say#            (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh) '            "Don't have a conniption..." %            "Don't have a conniption."    H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   %                                 Water %                                 ===== .                         By Ken Hayes <@WSUVM1>0                       Sung to the tune of "Lola")                              by The Kinks    # We rafted down the Salmon in Idaho, ; We shot the rapids and then we got splashed by the waaater.  Wa wa wa wa waaaater...    4 We rafted still further with our beers in our hands,; Then we fell in and we got real wet 'cause of the waaaater. , Wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaater...    Chorus: 7   waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater. 7   waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater.    ) Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand, 0 How it rolls like a woman and sprays like a man.' Oh, the waaater, wa wa wa wa waaater...     (chorus)   . Well we drank our wine, and partied all night.( We'd never ever seen this river's might.+ We got kinda smashed and then we turned in, * Knowing that tomorrow we'd be there again.   + Well I'm not the world's most scarable guy, 9 But I sure got scared when I fell into, yes, the waaater. * wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaater.    (chorus)9 (repeat chorus until people are about ready to lynch you) H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   )                             Into the Tube )                             ============= 5                  by Mike Portuesi <rainwalker@drycas> 5                 Sung to the tune of "Into The Groove" (                               by Madonna    And you can hack,  For computation. Come on, It's waiting...     Chorus:  Stare into the tube, Boy, you've got to prove Your subroutine. RS-232,  And full duplex too, With no parity.    ! Hacking can be such a revelation, + When you can find your missing declaration. ) It might be running if the code is right; " I hope to fix a major bug tonight.   + Only when I'm hacking can I feel this free.  At night I buy some Coke,  And hack till after three., I'm tired of all those GOTO's by themselves. Tonight, I want to write with IF-THEN-ELSE!    (chorus)    You've got to type NEW in a special way,  Or else it won't clear Out your first array. * Don't try to run it with your memory size.) I've got an error on the hard disk drive.     Only when I'm hacking, Can I feel this free.  At night I buy some Coke,  And hack till after three., I'm tired of all those GOTO's by themselves. Tonight, I want to write with IF-THEN-ELSE!  = (chorus)  = Live out your fantasy,
 Written in C.= Just let those macros 
 Set you free.  Touch my BREAK key,s
 In real time.  Now I'm not on line.  s (chorus)    Only when I'm hacking, Can I feel this free.e At night I buy some Coke,- And hack till after three., I'm tired of all those GOTO's by themselves. Tonight, I want to write with IF-THEN-ELSE!    Live out your fantasy,
 Written in C.  Just let those macros 
 Set you free.  Touch my BREAK key,*
 In real time.  Now I'm not on line, Now I'm not on line, Now I'm not on line,) Now I'm not on line (nasal, like Madonna)  Now I'm not on line.  * (repeat chorus - fade out)H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   -                          Friend of the System -                          ==================== 1                     By Larry Stone <STONE@YALECS> 8              Submitted by Jeff Brandenburg <BRAND@VTCS1>7               Sung to the tune of "Friend of the Devil"*2                    by Jerry Garcia & Robert Hunter   <   I logged on to the Ed-VAX, left a trail of coffee grounds.>   Didn't get to sleep that night 'til the morning came around.  y Chorus: 6   Said I'll run my program but it will take some time;-   A friend of the System is a friend of mine.@    If I get done before daylight,'   I just might write some code tonight.-  -9   Ran into the System, baby, and it tried to blow me off..C   Spent the evening learning Pascal but still all it does is scoff!     (chorus)   <   I tried to run the editor, but the System caught me there;8   It took my FORTRAN program and it vanished in the air!    (chorus)   6   Got two reasons why I stay awake each night and day;:   The first one's name I can't pronounce, but he is my TA.=   The second one's my college Dean, 'cause I'm about to fail!d8   She says if I don't pass C.S. I won't be long at Yale.   7   Got a program in T-Lisp, baby, and one in FORTRAN IV. >   The first one has a hundred bugs but the other one has more!  r (chorus)  yH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  d-                          Don't Call From Home.-                          ====================.5                  by Jonathon Luning <LUNJONT@YALEVMX>.8               Sung to the Tune of "The Man's Too Strong"*                            by Dire Straits   )             I'm just an ageing hacker-boy *             And in the days I used to play$             And I've called the tune$             To many a system's ruin.-             Now they say I am a real criminaln              And I'm hiding away.+             Just one more terminal session.p  e%             I have simplified robberye             With my PCs.&             I have called in the money"             And it's now overseas.+             I have re-written bank accounts '             With thousands on my books;o             Made up identities&             Without changing my looks.  n0             And I can still hear the touch-tones(             And the clicks on the phone.              Don't call too long.!             Don't call from home.p  i!             Well I've cracked IBMl              And I've cracked NSA*             And I've cracked every network             In the whole USA.o'             I have called out on Sprinti"             And from any payphone;             Billed to people             I never have known.s  l0             And I can still hear the touch-tones(             And the clicks on the phone.              Don't call too long.!             Don't call from home.    +             Well the sun comes in my office )             And they all did hear him say +             "You're really too much for us,y.             You're worth more than we can pay.-             You may still hear from Burroughsl$             But I ask you now today:)             Won't you please work with us !             At the good old CIA?" &             Now I run all surveillance&             From LA to Kremlin's dome.              Don't call too long.!             Don't call from home.   nH ------------------------------------------------------------------------   .                        Put Another Password In.                        =======================,                          by Chesire Catalyst1                      Submitted by Holly Lee Stowe 8              Sung to the tune of "Put Another Nickel In"    Put another password in, Bomb it out and try again. Try to get past logging in,   We're hacking, hacking, hacking.  s! Try his first wife's maiden name.e This is more than just a game.! It's real fun, but just the same,  It's hacking, hacking, hacking.n  t Sys-call, let's try sys-call.N( Remember, that great bug from version 3, Of R S X, It's here!  Whoopie!  ' Put another sys-call in,! Run those passwords out and then,c Dial back up, we're logging in.  It's hacking, hacking, hacking!   dH ------------------------------------------------------------------------   +                           The Disks of UNIXo+                           =================o;           Submitted by Malcolm Dickinson <CLARINET@YALEVMX>(6                Sung to the Tune of "Sounds of Silence".                         by Simon and Garfunkel    Hello comix my old friend. I've come to program you again.l" because a student softly creeping,) guessed my password while I was sleeping.  And the programs with just remnants in my brain,I
 don't remain,  upon the disks... of UNIX.   " In flick'ring lights I type along.  Load my program, what was wrong? Letters haloed by my squinting,-# at the program that I was lint-ing.- For my eyes were blurred! by the flash of the cathode beam,  term'nal screen, and all the C... on UNIX.     And in the fuzzy light I saw 10,000 hackers, maybe more:g! Hackers staring without blinking,   hackers typing without thinking. Hackers writing code that programs never shared.  (No one dared, disturb the disks... of UNIX.)  a" "Fools," said I, "you do not know. Kludges make the d.u. grow.s) Comment functions that I might read them.r+ Update man-files 'cause I might need them."  But my words like unread printout fell, (Oh well...) An echo, On the disks... of UNIX.  aH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  I*                             A Better Model*                             ==============4                  by Steven Levine at Apollo Computer,                          Submitted by "Spam"9              Sung to the tune of "A Modern Major-General"n.                        by Gilbert and Sullivan  m  o6 I've built a better model than the one at Data General- For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineralf, My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;0 My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.7 My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,-7 You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;-; There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 3 My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.   b= Chorus:  His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting,h=          His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting,MD          His disk drive has capacity for variable format-formatting.  .? I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: < There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,4 Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral7 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.   t: Cho:  Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral=       He's built a better model than the one at Data General.m  o7 The IBM new home computer's nothing more than germinal;G> At Prime they still have trouble with an interactive terminal;7 While Tandy's done a lousy job with operations Boolean,l9 At Wang the byte capacity's too small to fit a coolie in.'< Intel's mid-year finances are something of the trouble sort;; The Timex Sinclar crashes when you implement a bubble sort.tE All DEC investors soon will find they haven't spent their money well; 6 And need I even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?  o= Cho:  And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?t=       And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?oC       And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honey-Honeywell?)   : By striving to eliminate all source code that's repetitiveD I've brought my benchmark standings to results that are competitive.2 In short, for input vegetable, animal, and mineral7 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.   u7 Cho:  In short for input vegetable, animal, and mineral*=       He's built a better model than the one at Data General.o  '1 In fact when I've a floppy of a maximum diameter,d3 When I can call a subroutine of infinite parameter,d@ When I can point to registers and keep their current map around,: And when I can prevent the need for mystifying wraparound,: When I can update record blocks with minimum of suffering,7 And when I can afford to use a hundred K for buffering, ? When I've performed a matrix sort and tested the addition rate,g@ You'll marvel at the speed of my asynchronous transmission rate.  aG Cho:  You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate,fG       You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate,nO       You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission-mission rate.e  o= Though all my better programs that self-reference recursivelyiA Have only been obtained through expert spying, done subversively,S3 But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral,h7 I've built a better model than the one at Data General.    9 Cho:  But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral, =       He's built a better model than the one at Data General.i  hH ------------------------------------------------------------------------1 Issue016, (Volume IV, Number 2).  February, 1987.u