D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 18.0                           Issue 17                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             489 lines   6-MAR-1990 19:41P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   C        @@@    @@@@             @@@          @@@@                @@@ B       @@@@    @@           @@   @@          @@                  @@I      @@ @@   @@  @@  @@ @@@@@@  @@    @    @@   @@@@  @@ @@    @@ @@  @@@ G     @@  @@  @@  @@  @@   @@     @@   @@   @@  @@  @@  @@  @@  @@@@   @@ I    @@   @@ @@  @@  @@   @@ @@   @@ @@ @@ @@  @@  @@  @@      @@ @@     @@ G   @@    @@@@   @@@@ @@  @@@     @@@   @@@@   @@@@   @@     @@@  @@  @@@ ) @@@@    @@@                    @@@    @@@    1                        Electronic Humor Magazine.    ;              Issue017, (Volume IV, Number 3).  April, 1987.    8                NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by8                 Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>H ------------------------------------------------------------------------*                            To be is to do.2                                         -- I. Kant*                            To do is to be.4                                         -- A. Sartre+                            Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 7                                         -- F. Flinstone H ------------------------------------------------------------------------'                                Contents '                                ========    A               NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest 9               Nuts & Bolts ................... Commentary                How to Catch5                 a White Elephant ............. Nature 4               Before IBM ..................... Story8               Excuses ........................ Real Life4               The Book of George ............. Essay5               Dear Dr. Diag .................. Advice 4               Three Dates .................... Story9               Bennie ......................... Shaggy Dog    H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   (                                NewsWorks(                                =========   E     - The TCSSERVE file server at TCSVM.BITNET has been terminated in G       favor of the Revised List Processor, ListServ@TCSVM.BITNET.  Back C       issues of NutWorks are being stored on ListServ.  They can be 0       retrieved by sending ListServ the command:   (                    GET NUTWORKS ISSUExxx   E       where "xxx" is a 3-digit issue number.  Commands can be sent to I       ListServe via interactive message, or from within MAIL, PUNCH, DISK %       DUMP, and NETDATA format files.    D       As always, the six most recent back issues of NutWorks will beB       stored on CSNEWS@MAINE.BITNET, and can be retrieved with the2       message: SENDME NUTWORKS ISSUExxx FROM EMAGS   D     - The NutWorks subscription list is also now being maintained byE       ListServ@TCSVM.  To subscribe to NutWorks, send this command to        ListServ: 4                    SUBscribe NUTWORKS your_full_name   E       People who were subscribed to NutWorks as of April 1, 1987 have G       already been added to the NutWorks subscription list on ListServ, D       and so those people need not re-subscribe.  To delete yourself@       from the subscription list, send this command to ListServ:   '                    UNSubscribe NUTWORKS    G       Thus, subscription/deletion requests, or requests for back issues .       should no longer be sent to Brent@Maine.   D     - The song parody entitled "The Disks of Unix" which appeared inE       in Issue016 (Volume IV, Number 2) was written by Marianne Wolf. 2       We neglected to credit Ms. Wolf in the text.      H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   *                               Nuts & Bolts+                              ============== .                          by Brent C.J. Britton   F     If you will indulge me, I must take on a tone of moderate serious-G ness for just a moment.  To wit, NutWorks magazine needs writers.  Each G month, NutWorks contains at least one or two items which are, well, not H quite original.  Sometimes, in fact, we print things which are downrightD vintage humor.  We don't *like* to print things which are older than. Moses' toes, but sometimes, we just *have* to.F     In short, if you write humorous commentaries, essays, jokes, etc.,8 and would like to share your work, let us hear from you!   E     Now then, to relax that vulgar seriousness, I just gotta tell you E that I like computers a whole lot.  They make my life easier.  I like F the fact that there's a computer overseeing the internals of my micro-I wave oven, my stereo, and my television, because there's less chance that E I can hurt myself with any of these devices.  I sleep easier at night I knowing that when I get up in the morning I won't press the wrong buttons G on my mircowave oven and cause it to explode or something; the computer E inside, like all intelligent, self-preserving beings, will prevent me H from doing so.  But, friends, there are just some places where computers
 don't belong. H     I took my car in for a tune-up at the local garage.  I won't mentionC the name of the company, but they sell tires and have a blimp.  Now A where I come from, a tune-up consists of new spark plugs, points, F perhaps a new rotor cap, air and gas filters, and a timing adjustment.7 So I was a bit suprised when I saw... The Interrogator. G     The Interrogator was a large box roughly the size of a IBM 4341 CPU G sitting on end.  It was wheeled close to my car.  From my vantage point H in the lobby of the station I could feel my car -- a small Honda PreludeD -- shiver with fear.  Several mechanics spent many minutes insertingF the tentacle-like appendages of The Interrogator into every orifice ofB my cowering Honda.  Under the hood, up the tailpipe!  My poor car.E Until then, it had been a tailpipe virgin, and I still don't think it 7 has gotten over the trauma of that tune-up to this day. E     Once all the tentacles were firmly inserted, The Interrogator was G fired up.  With a voice eerily reminiscent of Darth Vader, it said, yes 7 I mean SAID: "Start the engine."  The mechanics obeyed. I     For the next 15 minutes the computer inside The Interrogator examined D my car.  The mechanics stood close by, having coffee.  In the lobby, I paced nervously.H     Finally, to my relief, the tentacles were removed.  The InterrogatorD produced a written report of everything it thought was wrong with myF car, and the mechanics sprang into action fixing all those things.  AsE The Interrogator was being wheeled away, I heard it say in that evil, 0 deep voice:  "We shall meet again, young Honda."F     The entire situation was quite disconcerting for me and my car, soG we're going to steer clear of Darth Vader and the blimp people from now  on. E      But without computers, you probably wouldn't be reading this, so E I guess I still like them quite a bit.  I just hope my microwave oven * isn't really a stormtrooper in disguise...    bcjbH ------------------------------------------------------------------------   2                      How to Catch a White Elephant2                      =============================5                    Submitted By Niels Kristian Jensen -                           <C838216 AT NEUVM1>    A Go to an place where there are white elephants.  Bring with you a H muffin (with raisins).  Climb a tree.  When the white elephant is close,G drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.  The white elephant will B be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins).  White elephants likeF muffins (with raisins).  Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.   H After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffinI (with rasins).  The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin I without rasins.  Drop the muffin as usual.  When the white elephant finds=: out that the muffin lacks rasins, it will darken in anger.   @ And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.  CH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  -)                                Before IBM-)                                ==========-(                                 by Adept  -G     Before IBM, The Head Programmer created the heavens (the area above G your computer) and the earth (the area below your computer).  The earth@: was a mass without order... sort of like a Pascal program.G     Then, The Head Programmer (hereafter referred to as THP) said, 'Let@F there be IBM.'  And, IBM, as an infant company, appeared.  And THP wasC pleased with it, and gave IBM great powers.  THP let IBM grow for a@G time, and then other companies began to appear.  Together, they created E the first computer market.  All of these events happened in the firsts decade.oH     And THP said, 'Let IBM separate to form the mainframe division aboveG and the microcomputer division below.'  So THP made the mainframe divi-BD sion, separating the company to form another division.  These events occurred  in the second decade. E     Then THP said, 'Let the microcomputer division be infiltrated, sotF that IBM cannot be accused of being a monopoly.'  And so, it happened.A Then THP called the IBM micro a PC, and called the others' microsDB "compatibles".  And he said, 'Let the earth burst forth with everyD sort of microcomputer and 'compatible', and allow those computers toC be copied, so that the market is open'.  And so it was, and THP was 0 pleased.  This all occurred in the third decade.E     Then THP said, 'Let there be operating systems with the computers.C to give life to the computer and to identify the Mainframe division G and the Micro division.  They will allow the users to use the computer,.D and the version number shall mark the days and the years.  And so itE was.  For THP made two systems, the VM system, and DOS, to be used by F the divisions, the larger one, VM, to preside over the Mainframe divi-G sion, and the smaller one, the DOS, to preside over the Micro division.SF And THP gave them to IBM, to provide life to the computer, and to pre-B side over the Mainframe and Micro divisions, and to divide the twoI divisions.  And THP was pleased.  This all happened in the fourth decade. F     Then THP said, 'Let the earth teem with applications programs, andB all other types of programs, of every kind.'  So THP created greatC programming languages, and every sort of applications programs, andLE every kind of game.  And THP looked upon them with pleasure, and gave D each a copyright.  'Multiply and stock the earth,' he told them, andD to the games he said, 'Let your types grow.  Be known throughout the) the world!'  That ended the fifth decade.sG     Then THP said, 'Let the world bring forth every kind of peripheral, F monitors and disk drives, printers, and all types of add-ons.'  And soC it was.  THP made all sorts of printers and disk drives and mouses.W* And THP was pleased with what he had done.F     Then THP said, 'Let us make a programmer - someone like ourselves,E to be the master of all computers upon the earth and in the skies andr
 in the seas.' /     So THP instructed a man to be a programmer.f&     Like THP did THP instruct the man.+     Male and Female, did he instruct alike.iE And THP graduated them and told them, 'Multiply and produce code, andoF subdue all computers;  you are the masters of all the software and allF the peripherals.  And see! I have given you the IBM computers through-G out the world, and all the compatibles.'  Then THP looked over all thatgE he had made, and it was superb in every aspect.  This ended the sixthk decade."F     Now at last, IBM was a thriving company, and with all the programsD and programmers it would need.  So in the seventh decade, THP haltedD all work that he had been doing, and THP called this a system crash,B and decreed that all computers would experience this.  Thus endeth the seventh decade.   =<     Later, man learned to hack, but that's another story....   H ------------------------------------------------------------------------  f&                                Excuses&                                =======2                    Submitted by <NSK2899@TAMSIGMA>   A     (The following are actual notes written to school teachers bye' emphatic parents.  There are no typos.)e  oF 1). "My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.      Please execute him."f  u) 2). "Please excuse Mary for being absent.,&      She was sick and I had her shot."  l? 3). "Please excuse Fred for being.  It was his father's fault."o  eH 4). "Please ackuse Fred being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33."  lD 5.  "Mary could not come to school today because she was bothered by      very close veins."a  oI 6). "Mary was absent from school yesterday as she was having a gangover."   tE 7). "Please excuse Mary from Jim yesterday.  She was administrating."h  wF 8). "Please excuse Fred for being absent.  He had a cold and could not      breed well."e   B 9). "Please excuse Mary.  She has been sick and under the doctor."  eE 10). "Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday.  She was in bedh       with gramps."c  wH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  a-                            The Book of Georgep-                            ================== 3                     copyright 1985 by Edward Murphyp  sF    This whole thing is extremely weird.  I mean, how many people could@ actually live the life that I do and stay completely and utterlyE sane?  Answer: NOBODY!  I guess that you could say that I am about as F loony as they come.  Really.  At least that's what I tell myself.  But@ the strange thing is that myself agrees with me.  Of course, hisC opinion was never very good, even when I was in that twinkie miningnC accident on Regulus-5 (a nonchalant little star system on the outer D edge of the Milky Way, but I digress.)  Looking back on the nineteenE years, six months, and some odd days that I, as a piece of primordialdC plasma, have existed, I see the one sole purpose of my meager exis-yG tence.  To own a chicken ranch outside of Salt Lake City, Utah, and, as > a side business, to rent U-haul trailers to passing motorists.  d@         This is the end of Part I of my multifaceted expose into8                the life and times of an aesthetic wacko.)                                ----------o  c?    It's sort of funny the way things happen.  One minute you'reiG floating on air, the next you're hit by a glob of chocolate pudding andcC sent hurtling on a collision course with destiny.  That's the way IaC feel about certain things.  Life is basically an avocado, no, wait, F actually it's more like a kiwi fruit, you know, sort of oblong, with aE furry outside and all green, and mushy inside.  OK, OK, so maybe it'swA not the best analogy in the world, but for a guy who's popped hiscF gourd, I think it shows a certain amount of talent.  You know (that isF "sabes" in Spanish), I've been thinking.  Is existence temporal?  DoesF "I THINK THEREFORE I AM" imply "I THOUGHT THEREFORE I HAVE BEEN" or "ID WILL THINK THEREFORE I WILL BE"?  Maybe the former, but probably not" the latter, although I don't know.      Look! It's a brick!   9                Here ends Part II of a journey through the=<             imaginative paths of a gaggle-snorp grandmaster.)                                ----------   CE    I tried Reality once, but was lucky enough to find out that it was C highly addictive in time.  After that little nasty incident, it hashG been one cascading, highly imaginative adventure after the other.  As IhE spiral into the deep catacombs of man's destiny and get closer to thehE meaning of it all I realize that we are all only dreaming of an unat-fF tainable Utopia.  Wow!  Now you tell me that isn't the most incrediblyD profound thing that you've read in quite a while.  Go ahead tell me.G I'll wait while you do.  *WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*.G *WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*lB *WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT* Thank you.  My lifetime can be compared to aA Styrofoam box.   Well, actually, it can't really be compared to a-F Styrofoam box as they are two absolutely completely different concepts altogether.    A       Thusly does Part III take us along the never ending look aty:               man's destiny where grapefruit is concerned.)                                ----------d  eD    You ever wonder what it would be like to be a rock?  Just sitting@ there, all day, watching people go by and being stepped on (evenD though stepping on a rock probably doesn't hurt the rock physically,E the psychological turmoil must be tremendous.)  Can you see a rock, adF chunk of ole' Mom Earth, on a psychiatrist's couch with a list of neu-C rosis longer than my arm? And I think that I need not even get intorC the erosion complex.  But, these ideas are for better men than I tonE consider, and rightly so because right now I am trying to get through D school so that I can become one of those better men who haven't any-D thing better to do than think of strange and sundry items with whichC to perplex the bipedal, sentient creatures that we have all come tomD call Mom, Dad, Uncle Eugene, or what have you.  A guru once told me,F "Your life is a peanut, sometimes boiled, sometimes crunchy, sometimesG salty, sometimes low sodium, but it is still just a peanut".  And to mya< dying day I will always think that the guru was a bit wacky.  'A       Ending thus does Part IV of this incredibly frood trip intoe;             that ameba shaped substance know as creativity. )                                ----------e  hF    I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter "C".F It is a kind of difficult to play when I'm inside here and you're out-D side there.  I bet that you often wonder just what it's like to be aC story.  It's true that I was created simply through the mental pro-sE cesses of a creature more or less like yourself, but the spark of theeE creation that inspired me has left and I have taken on a new persona.nF There is of course one thing wrong.  No matter how many times you readD me, I'll always say the same thing.  It is a bummer, and it puts theE pressure on you to get something different out of me each time.  Hey! E I just had a great idea.  Look around you and write down what you see'E and think about it.  Then when you read me again try and be somewherepB different.  Wow, I think that is a novel idea in writing (pun veryD much intended.)  Every different situation will produce a new set ofE ideas.  This is wonderful.  I am sure that every God-fearing American'F will sleep better tonight knowing that one of the problems of the uni-B verse has gone wherever problems of the universe go when they have been put to rest.e   E    Part V of this expedition, that could very well be called the Book C     of George, ends here.  Or here.  Or maybe here...(ad infinitum)    H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   *                             Dear Dr. Diag:)                             =============o  lE Note: Dr. Diag will attempt to answer questions on any subject, if he E       can.  If he can't, he'll make you feel stupid for asking.  Sendg:       your questions to "Dr. Diag" c/o Brent@Maine.BITNET.  F > Dear Dr. Diag,= > I've heard rumors of an Order (N ** 1/2) sorting algorithm.n; > Is there any validity to this claim, and if so, how is ite > done? . >       Sincerely, 'Mr. Get It Done Yesterday'  h Dear Mr. Yesterday,   pF     For our non-computer users' sakes, a sorting algorithm is a device@ which, when applied to "n" things, sorts them alphabetically, orF numerically, or by hair color or inseam length.  The "order" of a par-C ticluar sorting algorithm is a measure of its speed.  For instance,iD an order n-to-the-power-of-2 algorithm takes n*n iterations to put n things in sorted order.   sG     I think a brief history of sorting algorithms is in... um... order.h I'll start at the beginning.  ,H     Cavemen weren't too concerned about sorting things.  They kept them-D selves busy inventing fire, and the wheel, and sex in the missionaryH position, and just generally evolving the hell out of the dinosaurs, andH so they had plenty of things to occupy their time without worrying about sorting algorithms. D     Things went along smoothly like this for many millions of years,G (well maybe it was more like thousands of years... it was a few decades E anyway), until one day the computer was invented.  This paved the way,D for the development of a few really sharp sorting algorithms.  Let's examine a few.  hD     Bubble Sort -  Very silly.  The only people who use Bubble sortsC                    are first-year Pascal programmers who don't knowtH                    better.  Unfortunately, programmers who leave collegeH                    after the first year go away thinking the bubble sortH                    is a pretty neat idea.  Litigation is pending betweenG                    the Gold Seal Company Inc., (makers of Mister Bubble G                    bath soap), and the Assocation of Computing Machines *                    for theft of trademark.   D     Selection Sort - Used by the Selective Service during wartime toE                      determine which strapping young college students C                      will become combat soldiers, and which redneck :                      tobacco chewers will become generals.  5E     Insertion Sort - Involves the insertion of an object into a place,H                      where it fits easily.  Most normal college students.                      use this algorithm daily.  tI     Radix Sort -   This sort belongs to Ray Dick.  It is Ray Dick's sort.t  'G     QuikSort -     Supposedly the "best" of the sorts, but not even them?                    mighty Quiksort runs on the order of n**1/2.i  h  tG     No my friend, there is no sorting algorithm which runs on the order I of n**1/2.  It is as illusive as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or an 'A'e8 in Economics.  But if you see it in the sun, it is true.   H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   )                               Three Datesi)                               ===========e-                           by DACEE@UNO.BITNETo  iE      There was this old neighbor of mine -- no names are mentioned ton5      protect the innocent -- who had three daughters.a  .H      Well, this one Saturday night they all just happened to have dates.H      My neighbor, their father, like any other Saturday night was in theG      living room watching the LSU football game on the big screen tele-uE      vision.  As expected, around 9:30 one of the dates showed up, soiF      the old man got up and went to answer the door for his daughters,G      (you know how women are always late.)  So the old man answered they@      door and the young man outside politely introduced himself:  b#           "Hello, my name is Eddie.,&           I am here to pick up Debbie.+           We're going out to eat sphagetti.,           Is she ready?"  t0      Well the old man said, "Yeah, she's ready."       "Cute," he said to himself.  oH      Five or six minutes later the second date showed up. The man had toG      answer the door once again.  The second date introduced himself to       the father saying:I   !           "Hello, my name is Joe. #           I am here to pick up Flo.r#           We are going to the show.            Can she go?"  t-      "Yeah, she can go!" the old man replied. B      "What, are they all gonna rhyme tonight?" he said to himself.  cH      Finally, 15 minutes later the last date showed up, and for the lastG      time the old man got up and answered the door.  The date, like alll+      the others, introduced himself saying:t   $          "Hello, my name is Chuck...  b      Chuck died quickly.  lH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  a:              The First Fantastic Flop of Sir Galliwag M.D.1                        (Doctor of the Multiverse)T:              ==============================================            by (beef) Chow (mein), Rob Woiccak (TNETG1FN@CLVM)e  oG      One day while I, the great Doctor Sir Galliwag, was out romping intB the multiverse, I stopped to visit the home of my good friend: theA Sheikh Ali-Wa Benn.  Much to my distress, I found the palace in avD ruckess.  I soon learned from the palace chamberlain, Deskial Hmabi,F that the Sheikh had disappeared.  At this, I began an investigation toC determine the Sheikh's whereabouts.  The chamberlain gave me Benn'syH agenda for the day.  First a breakfast and then a shave.  Following thatG was a luncheon where he had failed to appear.  Suddenly, I had an idea! C I ran to the vestibule where I had seen a new pot that confirmed my,F notion.  Calling Deskial into the room, I proceeded to find the Shiekh< in the large vase.  Flabbergasted, he asked "How...what...?">      "Simple," I replied, "a Bennie shaved is a Bennie urned."   H ------------------------------------------------------------------------. Issue017, (Volume IV, Number 3).  April, 1987.