D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 19.0                           Issue 18                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             431 lines   6-MAR-1990 19:43P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    C        @@@    @@@@             @@@          @@@@                @@@ B       @@@@    @@           @@   @@          @@                  @@I      @@ @@   @@  @@  @@ @@@@@@  @@    @    @@   @@@@  @@ @@    @@ @@  @@@ G     @@  @@  @@  @@  @@   @@     @@   @@   @@  @@  @@  @@  @@  @@@@   @@ I    @@   @@ @@  @@  @@   @@ @@   @@ @@ @@ @@  @@  @@  @@      @@ @@     @@ G   @@    @@@@   @@@@ @@  @@@     @@@   @@@@   @@@@   @@     @@@  @@  @@@ ) @@@@    @@@                    @@@    @@@    1                        Electronic Humor Magazine.    :               Issue018, (Volume IV, Number 4).  May, 1987.   8                NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by8                 Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>H ------------------------------------------------------------------------<            If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?A                                                      -- Art Hoppe H ------------------------------------------------------------------------(                                 Contents(                                 ========A               NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest 9               Nuts & Bolts ................... Commentary 7               The Final Prayer ............... Religion 7               Filthy ......................... Limerick 5               Dear Dr. Diag .................. Advice 4               Law as it Should Be ............ Story3               Two Priests .................... Joke 9               Frog Finance ................... Shaggy Dog    H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   (                                NewsWorks(                                =========   F     Hello, I'm Jeraldo Revera filling in for the regular NutWorks NewsD crew, who are out on assignment.  Actually, I think they're just outH someplace having a party to which I am not invited.  They do this a lot.F But I don't care.  Rest assured that I'm getting paid a disgusting sumA of money for doing this.  I mean, they're not really professional F journalists or anything.  They spend most of their time sitting aroundE drinking coffee and playing "Pin the tail on Vanna White," a game in- D volving a blindfold, a fallic-shaped IBM card, and a recent issue of Playboy magazine. C     I just know they're having a party.  Probably at the beach too. H With those coeds from the Speech Communications department who I bet are' at least partially naked at this point. I     I hate them.  They tell me they're off on an "important assignment of D global proportions" when I know damn well the only "globes" involvedH belong to some drunken floozies with miniscule, if any, tan lines.  HEREF I SIT DOING THE NEWS ALL ALONE WHEN THEY'RE OUT ON SOME SECLUDED BEACHC GANG-FONDLING SOME GIRL'S HUGE...  ahem...  sorry.  I'm very sorry. H     The only news this month is this stupid reminder that the end of theD spring semester is upon us -- like you haven't noticed, sheez -- andD so those of you with NON-PERMANENT user-IDs should be sure to deleteA yourselves from the NutWorks mailing list by sending the command:         UNSUBSCRIBE NUTWORKS   I to LISTSERV@TCSVM via message or mail.  Please make sure you delete your- I selves because if you don't, I'll have to.  "Delete the user-IDs Jeraldo" I they'll say.  "Get us some more Mt. Dew Jeraldo!  Get Connie Chung on the F phone Jeraldo!  Jeraldo, why haven't you deleted those user-IDs yet!?"H     The only other news this month is that this stupid old magazine willG probably publish on time, every month, this summer, which I'm sure just 7 thrills all you perverts out there who read this trash.    H ------------------------------------------------------------------------>          What do Gary Hart and an Oriental man have in common?&                                  - - -1                       They both like to eat Rice. H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   *                               Nuts & Bolts+                              ============== .                          by Brent C.J. Britton   F     My girlfriend and I are planning to move into a new apartment thisB month which means we're spending a lot of time sorting through ourH possesions in an attempt to distinguish the good stuff from the garbage.F Unfortunately, her idea of what is garbage and what isn't differs fromH mine in that I am violently opposed to throwing away anything that I ownF on the grounds that I may want or need it someday even if it is broken  or, in fact, completely useless.G     For instance, she located the locking base clamp to my desk lamp -- F one of those spring-loaded, swiveling-arm lamps; every college studentF in the world has one -- and asked me, hopefully, if she could throw itG away because the actual lamp part seemed to be missing.  I said that we D should hang onto it just in case the lamp turned up, although I knewF darned well that the poor lamp met an untimely demise two years ago inF a diabolical experiment conducted by myself and my dorm roommate, Hal.D The idea was, see, to develop a Beer Extraction Device which, at theI tug of a chord (such as the belt from Hal's bathrobe), would cause a bot- A tle of beer to be dropped from the refrigerator into the Catapult F Unit -- remember, the lamp was spring loaded -- which would then flingF the beer across the room to the general vicinity of the couch and intoE the waiting hands of a thirsty college student such as Hal or myself. H During the trial runs, however, several beers and a can of picante sauceF were inadvertently capulted straight out of our open, third floor win-B dow.  This angered Hal to the point of tossing the Beer ExtractionG Device out the window as well, and thus ended the life of my desk lamp. H So you can see how the locking base clamp has great sentimental value to$ me, and I'm glad she let me keep it.H     With clothes, I'm not so lucky.  What happens is, first, she'll findG a pair of my pants she's never seen before and she'll bring them to me. C     "Did you know you had these?" she'll say, realizing that she is A dealing with someone who often forgets his own mother's birthday. B     "Yes," I'll say, "those are the pants I wore to my high schoolF graduation.  They go with my blue suit."  And then I'll make an effort to look intensely preoccupied.     "Do they fit?"     "I dunno..."     "Try them on."G     Now, just so you know, I have about five pairs of pants that I wear F on a regular basis, four of which are made of denim.  (And while we'reH on the subject, take my advice: never wear button-fly jeans if you thinkF you're going to be in a situation where you have to go to the bathroomG in a hurry, if you get my drift.)  I have some other pants which I only F wear to nice restaurants, for example, and funerals, but mostly I justG wear jeans.  My girlfriend knows this and will therefore consider these C high school pants to be good candidates for her Salvation Army box. G     After some lengthly discussion we'll arrive at the the truth of the C matter which is that, given a choice between having a root canal or C being seen with me in public while I was wearing these pants, she'd E choose the root canal.  So, scratch one pair of perfectly good pants. I     I guess I really can't blame her for wanting to throw out things like G my high school pants, because she does most of the packing.  Now before H you start calling me a worthless scum for not helping her pack, I shouldE remind you that she's a woman and as such, *loves* to do the packing. F Women are, you know, strange like that.  My idea of a packing consistsG of scrunching my socks up into little balls, and then making jump shots @ into the suitcase with them from various points around the room.H     So she does the packing.  And while she's busy doing that, I go find5 the box marked "salvation army" and I hide it on her.E  BH -------------------------------------------------------------------------                           Two women at lunch:-=           "Have you and your husband ever had mutual orgasm?"-3                      "No, I think it's State Farm."@H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   ,                             The Final Prayer,                             ================:               Submitted by David N. Blank <BLANK@BRANDEIS>   E And it came to pass, that early in the morning of the last day of the@F semester, there arose a multitude smiting their books and wailing; andF there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth; for the day of judgementF was at hand and they were sore afraid.  For they had done those thingsE which they ought not have done, and they had left undone those things < which they should have done... and there was no help for it.   F And there were many abiding in the dorms who had kept watch over theirD books all night, but naught availeth.  But some there were who aroseA smilingly, for they had prepared for themselves the way, and made C straight the path of knowledge.  And these wise ones are called the-C curve-loosers.  And the multitude arose and ate a hearty breakfast.    I And they came unto the appointed place, and their hearts were heavy with-eG in them.  And they came to pass, but some passed out.  And some of themBI repented their riotous living, and bemoaned their fate.  But they had not.	 a prayer.l  oH And at the last hour, there arose among them one known as the professor,G he of the diabolical smile, who passed papers among them, and went upondH his way.  Many and varied were the questions asked by the professor, butD still more varied were the answers which were given, for some of hisE teachings had fallen fertile minds, others had fallen among the semi- F fertile, while still others had fallen flat.  And some there wrote forG one hour, others wrote for two, but some turned away sorrowful.  And oflH these, many offered up a little bull, as a sacrifice, in hope of pacify-E ing the professor, for these were the ones who had not a prayer.  And C when they had finished, they gathered up their belongings, and went G quietly away, each in his own direction, and each one vowing to himselfoI in this manner: "I shall not pass this way again."  But it is a long road  that hath no turning.     Here endeth the lesson.VH ------------------------------------------------------------------------'                                  Filthy '                                  ======P  aD This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you, so most of; the *really filthy* words have been replaced with "di-dah."p  t/                     Di-dah-di di-dah-di di-dah, /                     Di-dah-di di-dah-di di-dah; /                               Di-dah-di di-dah. /                               Di-dah-di di-dah?f0                     Di-dah-di di-dah-di di-fuck.
 Thank you.H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   *                             Dear Dr. Diag:)                             =============    E Note: Dr. Diag will attempt to answer questions on any subject, if he-E       can.  If he can't, he'll make you feel stupid for asking.  Sende:       your questions to "Dr. Diag" c/o Brent@Maine.BITNET.  m >Dear Dr. Diag,NG >     This question has nothing at all whatsoever to do with computers,kE >which is why I am asking you.  You know all those advertisements andDB >such that say "Void where prohibited?"  I just want to know whereE >these places are.  Can you give me some examples of these places andn$ >why things are void in these areas? > - >Sincerely,  Brigadier Arthur St. John (Mrs.)p  o Dear Brigadier, B     Actually, my friend, your question has *everything* to do withI computers because the phrase "void where prohibited" was actually written-G by a computer!  Long long ago when marketing and advertising were still E in their infancy, a young advertising firm was hired to represent the F Ace Sexual Toy company.  The firm realized that the Ace products couldI be harmfull if used by some sexually inexperienced person who just wasn't-I prepared for the "ultimate sexual thrill" as their adds stressed would be G provided.  And so, to protect themselves and the Ace Sexual Toy company D against lawsuits filed by people, (or the surviving members of their= families, or their pets) who sustained injury while using theoG toys, they chose to print the phrase "Avoid if Inhibited" on each pack-gG age.  However, the packages were printed by a computer-automated systemmD and so the new phrase had to be entered on a word processor and thenF uploaded to the main printing computer.  Due to line noise between theE word processor and the main computer, and a stupid secretary who madehE many typing mistakes and tried to delete them by using "White-Out" onwG her terminal screen, the phrase was mis-transcribed as, you guessed it,eB "Floydd is an Arachnid."  The line noise was eventually ironed outH when the Ace company changed its image to become a top chain of hardwareG stores and the phrase was changed to "Void where Prohibited."  They didmE keep one of their original Sexual Toy slogans: "Ace is the Place withe the Helpful Hardware Man." --------------------    >Dear Dr. Diag: D >    Recently I found a keypunch in our computing center's dumpster.H >I took it home and plugged it in and everything seemed to be in workingE >order.  I was wondering if there were some way I could use this as arC >terminal?  I mainly use the mainframe for graphics applications...  >e2 >Sincerely, 'Underfunded Computer Science Student'  f Dear Underfun,D     You should not attempt to use a discarded keypunch as a terminal because:  nC     a) keypunches do not have knobs for "brightness" or "contrast",         (bad for your eyes);o   G     b) the sound of the key-click on a keypunch is roughly approximatedtF        by the Army Drum Corps' rendition of "Flight of the Bumblebee",        (bad for your ears);m  aF     c) a keypunch is very heavy and would probably kill you if it fellA        on you while you weren't looking, (bad for your sex life).d   D     Also, after crawling around in a dumpster, you'd be wise to haveH yourself examined for lice, maggots, ants, worms, crabs, walruses, small children, and other parasites. --------------------  t >Dear Dr. Diag:"G >   I've just finished reading your answer to the N**1/2 sort algorithmeB >question in Issue 17 of Nutworks.  Your reply was sadly in error,D >but understandably so, as recent developments here at the InstituteB >of Bizarre Machinations, Computer Seance Department, have not yet >been published.C >   After years of dilligent research by Institute faculty, we havenD >devised sorting algorithms with efficiencies of N**1/2, N**1/N, and? >yes, even N**1/-N**N/N/N/N/N !!! Let me provide you with a fewa
 >examples: >r@ >The Whoops Sort - wherein some number of items are accidentally? >    lost.  Obviously, the efficiency of this sort is inversely 3 >    proportional to the number of items misplaced.t >e= >The Deletion Sort - The key field of each item is scanned ino@ >    sequential order, and if it is out of sequence, the item isD >    deleted, relieving us of the necessity for writing an insertion
 >    routine.n > B >Drop Sort, Shuffle Sort - particularly useful for sorting recordsH >    stored offline on media such as cards, floppy disks, twelve platter >    removable disk packs, etc.l >c? >The Static Sort - wherein the existing sequence of items to beo> >    sorted is deemed to be "good enough"; one of the greatest5 >    achievements in Artificial Intelligence to date.  >k= >So, Dr. Diag, in closing, I admonish you: NEVER say "NEVER"!t >o< >                                Dr. Fred "Bob" Pfeiffererer* >                                Chairman,? >                                Department of Computer SeancessB >                                Institute of Bizarre Machinations- >                                Anytown, USAa9 >                                (Bruce Bettis <BEB@UNO>)   h Dear Dr. Fred "Bob",F     As one Doctor to another, in the age old tradition of the free andE generous exchange of information and knowledge, just let me say this:aI EAT MY SHORTS YOU WETHEAD!!  IF THERE'S ONE THING I CAN'T STAND IT'S SOMEFE DORK RESEARCHER TRYING TO TELL EVERYONE HOW WRONG WE ARE!  GET A REAL- JOB HUH!?  CHRIST! --------------------    >Dear Dr. Diag: F >   How many micros does it take to make a mini?  Then, how many minis >does it take to make a main?   >Computerly yours, Mr. Add'em Up  t Dear Mr. Adam,?     Given that the average mainframe occupies a volume of threeiA cubic meters, the average volume of a mini is one cubic meter ande? the average volume of a micro (including monitor) is 25 liters,i  then we arrive at the result of:  h%                     27 minis = 1 mainh%                    40 micros = 1 miniy%                  1080 micros = 1 maine  fC Bear in mind that these numbers would be bigger if you crunched thec@ computers up with something like a sledgehammer or a large rock.  e bcjb & smth H -------------------------------------------------------------------------                           Law as it Should Bea-                           ===================d5                   Submitted by Bill Myers <OP4@PSUVM>   oH One evening after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking downH the Avenue when just ahead of them walked a beautiful woman.  One of theI men turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night H with that woman."  To their surprise the young lady overheard the remarkI and turned around.  She said, "I'll take you up on that."  She had a neatiI appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion goodnightlE the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediatelyi went to bed.H     The following morning he presented her with $25.00 as he prepared toI leave.  She demanded the rest of the money stating, "If you don't give merH the other $25.00 I'll sue you."  He laughed saying, "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds." I     The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering himaG to court as a defendant in a lawsuit.  He hurried to his lawyer and ex-,H plained the details of the case.  His lawyer said, "She can't get judge-G ment on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case is  presented." H     After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the courtH as follows:  "Your honor, my  client, this lady, is the owner of a pieceG of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery,lI which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length I of time, for the sum of $50.00.  The defendant took possesion of the pro-iG perty, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, buthH upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25.00, one half of the amount agreed upon.H     "The rent was not expensive, since this was restricted property, andE was not available to all, and we ask judgement be granted against the-, defendant to assure payment of the balance."B     The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way hisE opponent had presented the case.  His defense therefore was some what C altered from the way he had originally planned to present the case.rH "Your honor,"  he said, "My client agrees that the young lady has a fineE piece of property, that he did rent such property from her for a time D and derived a degree of pleasure from this transaction.  However, myC client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own C stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor being performednG personally by him.  We therefore claim the improvements on the property F were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount and that the plaintiff wasE adequately compensated for the rental of said property.  We thereforew# ask that judgement not be granted."-H     The young lady's lawyer came back with this:  "Your honor, my clientI agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property and that he didcF make improvements such as my opponent has described.  However, had theD defendant not known the well existed, he would have never rented theG property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed hisdH stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him.  In doing so heE not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left a holee@ much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easilyB accessible to little children.  We therefore ask that judgement be	 granted.".  o SHE GOT IT!!H ------------------------------------------------------------------------)                               Two Priestsh)                               =========== ;              Submitted by Holly Lee Stowe <IHLS400@INDYCMS>o  tH     Two priests were killed in an automobile accident.  Upon arriving atG   the pearly gates they are informed that the computer is down and thatiE   they will have to go back to earth for a week.  They can go back asnD   anything they like and, with the computer down, nothing will count   against them.cH      The first priest tells St. Peter that he had always dreamt of beingH   an eagle soaring over the Rocky Mountains.  "Go", says St. Peter, "you   are an eagle."F      The second priest first reconfirms the fact that whatever he doesF   will not go into his record and then says, "Well, I've always wanted   to be a stud.",      "Go," says St. Peter, "you are a stud."H      A week passes and Gabriel comes to St. Peter to say that the systemG   is back up and it is time to fetch the two priests.  "Well," says St. F   Peter, "the first guy is easy to find.  He's flying over the RockiesG   somewhere near the Colorado-Wyoming border.  The other guy's going to H   be a lot harder to find:  he's on a snow tire somewhere in Minnesota."H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   *                               Frog Finance*                               ============0                        Submitted by Richard Ward   H     A short while ago in a not so distant county there lived a frog in aF a pond.  The frog owned half the pond, but the other half was open forH public recreation.  Now, many people used that half of the pond, and theG ripples and waves they created really irritated the frog.  Finally, fedhF up, he  decided to refinance his half and buy the other half, thus se-( curing for himself a ripple free future.F     So the frog went to the bank, and talked to the Loan Officer, JohnH Caddyshack.  The frog explained the situation, and asked about refinanc-E ing.  Caddyshack was sympathetic, and asked for collateral.  The frogaG thought and thought, and finally reached into his pocket and pulled outa
 an object.;    "That's interesting," said Caddyshack, "but what is it?"cD    "I don't know," said the frog, "but it has been in the family for years."eF    Caddyshack took the matter to the local VP, explained the situationH and showed the object.  The VP took one look at the thing and exclaimed:0 "Knick-knack, Caddyshack! Give the frog a loan!"  fH ------------------------------------------------------------------------, Issue018, (Volume IV, Number 4).  May, 1987.