D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 3.0                             Issue 2                          No repliesP SPCVXA::TERRY "Terry Kennedy"                       808 lines  20-JUL-1989 08:07P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------G *********************************************************************** G *********************************************************************** G ***                                                                 *** G ***                           NutWorks                              *** G ***                          ----------                             *** G ***            The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine for Those             *** G ***          Who Think Reality is Something to be Avoided           *** G ***                                                                 *** G ***                       ================                          *** G ***                                                                 *** G ***                                                                 *** G *** February, 1985. Issue002, (Volume I, Number 2).  NutWorks is    *** G *** distributed monthly.  Brent CJ Britton (BRENT@MAINE) virtual    *** G *** Editor and Publisher.                                           *** G ***                                                                 *** G *********************************************************************** G ***********************************************************************    <               Insanity, Fatigue, Divine Inspiration, and the4                     Forced Removal of One's Own Hair>             --------------------------------------------------   D     On the whole, things are going nicely.  This is the second issue@   of NutWorks, the magazine that has been hailed as the greatestD   thing since the invention of rope, and it too is doing quite well.E   The subscription list numbers 58 at present and, thanks to the many B   wonders of modern technology, it can safely be said that the sunD   never sets on the readers of NutWorks.  Yes, friends, we're now anG   institution,  which is quite suitable considering that an institution 8   is precisely where many of us should indeed be placed.B     It's a small wonder that NutWorks has been selected by leadingA   social scientists as "the one entity that will likely represent ;   the most significant output of mankind during his Earthly    History". A     There are times, however, when the whole thing becomes just a E   tad tedious.  Between constantly updating the mailing list, writing E   English papers, transforming the unending monotonous drollery of my D   COS220 professor into a working Pascal program, occasionally goingG   to class, and working twelve hours a week, all the while bumming food F   off of my friends and trying to have sex with this girl I know, I amA   quickly going out of my mind, and for some reason I find myself .   watching shows like "Three's Company" a lot.F     Well, such is life.  But I'm sure you'll understand why this issue4   is made up almost entirely of other people's work.E     Thanks (and big ones) to Jim (xxxxxx@xxxxx), Reed (xxxxxx@xxxxx), 7   Roman (xxxxxx@xxxxx), Marissa (xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx), Gary -   (xxxxxxxx@xxxxx), and Todd (xxxxxxx@xxxxx).                                    BB   '                         ===============          1 Editor's Note: Being an op, I can relate to this. =                Send contributions for the following column to ,                xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.   A     * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *    > The following article is written in honor of all Operators andD Consultants who have to deal with unusual questions from, to say the0 least, unusual people, each day they go to work!A   I have received Lots of help and lots of people deserve credit. = The most important person for this first column is Larry Ruch ? (xxxxxx xx xxxxxxx).  He sent me a file containing this type of ( "humor" and I want to share it with you.      ' Transcribed from the Operators Logbook:  (or, Sad But True Stories!)    6 QUESTION OF THE MORING : Is there a computer in here??4 You got it another 100 student! What will they teach
 them next!   3 WHOSE TO BLAME?   QUESTION:  "My job was deleted by 5 "HASP", Where is HASP?   Apparently she wanted to ask  HASP why he deleted her job.   : U KNOW WHO YOU ARE!  QUESTION: a program for CS105 printedA "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" where my output should have printed; Should 3 I just run it again??    ANSWER : Sure if you want!    9 QUESTION OF THE NIGHT:  What does JOB TIME EXCEEDED mean?    : RUNNER UP: What's a SUBROUTINE?  (hell it is only the 11th> week of classes. Why should anyone know what a subroutine is?)   > DUMBEST QUESTION OF THE NIGHT:  My job hasn't come out yet. It= has been a long time. Could you find it? (on the surface this ? isn't very humorous or dumb but the astute oparator (that's me) A checked on her job ("SAMPLE" -- catchy name, huh?). And it wasn't B found in the system.  Turning around I found that the mysteriouslyA missing output had been sitting on the printer for "a long time". A She was in 105. Maybe she will be a great future buisness leader! & I am worried about our economy now....   B USER'S FAVORITE COMMAND:  Come fix the printer!  It's not printing? my job. The person before me got his, but mines not coming out. @ I wish I had a dime for everytime I heard something like that...A If I did I would probably be rich and not have to work here for a  LONG LONG time!    D WHAT ARE THEY FOR THEN:  Get ready for this one --- Someone tried toB run a rubberband through the card reader -- obviously skipping forB Job card, but an engineer had to come out and operate.  Don't they1 teach students to take the rubber band off first?    < ONE FOR THE ROAD:  It was 11:45 and closing time at 12 and a= bright CS105 student came up and asked why his program wasn't > working?  the error was "FORMAT ERROR ON CONTROL CARD: INVALID? CHARACTERS IN FIELD". He was just trying to do like his TA said A He documented each of his data cards, on each card after the data 
 was written :  DATA CARD 1  DATA CARD 2   .  .  . *SIGH*    Author's Comments:9   Well that ends my first column.  It's rather short, but @ it will get longer.  I also want to thank people from UCF1VM forC thier input.  Suggestions from anyone and everyone will be welcome. E It is nice to know that users accross the country do dumb things too.    *                           ================      A   Big-time Philosophical Theory Provided as a Treat for Thinkers:    ?        "Time exists so that everything doesn't happen at once." 6                                        --John Parthum,5                                          A Deep User.    *                           ================         $                               A Joke1                  (and a distastefull one at that) 5             -----------------------------------------    @ There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who wereC approaching their high school graduation.  It was getting near prom B night and neither of them had a date for it.  So one day, the girlG approaches her brother and says "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"    4 He says "No, why?  You got someone lined up for me?"   9 "You might say that.  Why don't you take me to the prom?"    , "Take you?  You kidding?  You're my sister!"   ) "Well, are you taking somebody else out?"    $ "You know I don't have a date, Sis."   B "And neither do I.  But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?"   D Her brother nods.  She continues, "So we should go with each other."   H The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his? sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening,  he will take her to the prom.    D Wednesday evening rolls around.  Neither of the siblings has a date,C so the the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the promE
 on Friday.   @ At the prom, both of them have a good time.  The brother is glad= that his sister talked him into taking her.  Then, while he's3= standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.   r "Hey, brother, let's dance."  e@ He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her.  "Look, Sis,B this is the Senior Prom, okay?  I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"  *G "Don't be so shy.  Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why*" can't you dance with your sister?"  * "Oh . . . all right."    G So they dance, a slow number.  The rest of the prom passes by and after E a while it's over and time to go.  Both of them have had a good time.    C In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over atI+ him and says, "Let's not go straight home."   *H He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"   & "Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."   I He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, G she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some place to park?"    A "Hell," he says, "are you crazy?  You're my sister, I'm not going  parking with you!"   I "Who said anything about 'going parking'?  Let's just pull over somewhere*G and talk for a while, okay?  It's been a busy year for both of us-- how*A long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"    ? So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a C secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks* over at him again.  * "Hey . . . " she says.  * "What?"*  * "Why don't you kiss me?"   I "You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that?  I'm A not going to kiss you, you're my sister!"  And he reached for the-! ignition switch to start the car.    D She reached out and took his hand.  "I know I'm your sister.  You'veF mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother.  And don't we loveC each other?  Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?"  She kissed  him on the  cheek and heF kissed her back.  After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on.  Let's do it."s   ? "Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his  sister had in mind.h   $ "You know what," his sister replied.  tD "I can't do that with you, you're my  . . . " His voice trailed off.  tH While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."  i+ "I know," said her brother.  "Mom told me."g  i  t (I warned you.  heh heh)   ,                            =================  v     nE Received: from xxxxxx   by xxxxx id xxxx; xxx, xx xxx xx xx:xx:xx xxxd# Date:     xxx, xx xxx xx  xx:xx xxxn From:     xxxxxxxx@xxxxxxt Subject:  letter to the editor To:       BRENT@MAINEs  i dear editor:;      i have just finished reading ISSU#1, Vol 1 (what's thew@ difference?) of the newest, nuttiest, virtual magazine 2 hit theG readers, NUTWORKS, & i readily admit 2 issuing a few guffaws & chortles B (yes, karl, i stole it) tho i must confess that the "documentationC sex quiz"  did raise my eyebrows 2 the point where they nearly flew'H off my face.   i think the title NUTWORKS is grate but, guys, change theA spelling--it pains me 2 type KS where an X will adequately impartx;  the necessary fonix 2 achieve the proper sound...& here isxG my written permisssion allowing u 2 usurp my shorthand...speaking of my = shorthand, can i lodge a few complaints here???  c'mon, all u=F copyrite in-fringers--gimme a brake!!  u all agree 2 pay the royaltiesE i demand but have i yet seen a virtual red cent in my rdr??? u guilty  CHATters no who i mean!!>      & while i m speaking of CHAT, all u nukers or bombers (orD whatever the appropriate lingo mite b 2 describe u) gimme a brake!!! i travel@300 baud!G those things piss me off & lotsa u out there can attest 2 that (heheh).uD have some consideration folx!  almost as bad as those r CHATters whoD start yawn-ing & snoring on the channel!!!  that's insulting & u can= more easily relieve your bordom by typing CHAT /change et al.e? now that CHAT has resumed it's regular (as opposed 2 irregular)w; schedule, u mite want 2 try some other chatting facilities.oB billy@bmacadm, run by cuny, is open 24 hours a day (when & if cunyF is running).  FORUM (also sponsored by cuny types & written by quite aC talented cuny type who wood probably nolog my id if i revealed his) ? is now available.  4um (typical of me) is faster than any othery> system i have been on but is unreleased & still in test stages= (at this writing) & u should b wary of hidden commands withinuB the exec such as ERASE * * (only kidding, steve).  but not 2 worry> anway--there is always vmbackup....unless, of course, u r at a& certain node best left unmentioned....H      anyway, editor, keep up the good work.  u will shirley hear from meA again but not if u insist on calling me shirley!!!  looking 4wardb" 2 the next exciting issu, regards,               marissa somethingn                 many ids @ cunyvm  uC Note: The preceding letter was placed here because it is hilarious.SA       It should be pointed out, however, that NutWorks is spelled @       the way it is--including the capital 'W'--for reasons that;       are much to complex and euphoric to right now relate.5  a.                           ====================     w  i8 Editor's Note: The statements in the following ad parody:                do not neccesarily reflect the views of the*                NutWorks staff.  Uh...yeah.      D Hi there, this is Jimmy the Grope of the IRS.  I am the president ofD of the local chapter of the IRSG (Internal Relaxation Service Group)D Now, I am here to introduce to you the fastest growing way of enjoy-@ ing yourself, along with others.  We here at IRSG think that theE weekend is by far the best time to relax.  Everyine needs relaxation. F YOU need relaxation.  C'mon! Live it up!  PARTY!!  Forget the homeworkE and the lectures.  Relax your Brain.  Give it a break!  Just think ofs@ your brain as being like a small computer system...and Boot it!!   A Now, the IRSG can help you get started on your R and R ABSOLUTELYe@ FREE!!!  That's right I said FREE!!!  And believe me, we're justD aching to help out.  I know your saying to yourself, "But Jimmy, howD can you help me have a good time?"  Well let me assure you that withE the stuff I've got, you'll never ask that question again.  All you'll ' want to know is where you can get more!f@ Because we do away with the middle-man, we are prepared to offer@ you our relaxation starter kit and all you have to do to receiveA it is dial our toll-free number, 1-800-GET-HIGH.  Believe me, you D won't be sorry.  Hey!  You can trust Uncle Jimmy!  Just tell me your= name, address, phone number, and the names of your loved onescA and I'll send you your very own relaxation starter kit containing A all sorts of magical things!  We can't say just what those things 9 are in this add, but let me tell you, you won't be sorry! : AND, if you decide to join our nationwide club before HIGH< noon, we'll send you an extra suprise package!  This specialC gift has a street value of over 50 dollars.  Yours just for joining > our HIGHly acclaimed club.  You'll truly enjoy this wonderfullE suprise, you have my word as a salesman.  But if you don't enjoy yourhE membership in our club, you can decline your enrollment, and keep theo extra suprise as a gift.E "How can I do it?" you ask?  Well, certain South American individuals @ would have old Jimmy's head if he told you.  But I will say that, you're the one who's getting the deal here!!C So act now!  Give me a call.  And help yourself to my generosity...d ...for life.H   Operators are now waiting to take your call.  Just dail 1-800-GET-HIGH! that's 1-800-GET-HIGH, and relax.   h.                           ====================  w   5 | The following quotes taken from the Toronto News ono5 | July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insuranceh5 | forms where car drivers tried to summarize accidentN5 | details in as few words as possible. Such instancest6 | of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency | can be highly entertaining.t | 6 | ---------------------------------------------------- |k |h2 |  1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and* |       collided with a tree I don't have. |n5 |  2. The other car collided with mine without givingn |       warning of its intent. |r3 |  3. I collided with a stationary truck coming theo |       other way. |y1 |  4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into as |       telephone pole.  |c4 |  5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was6 |       on my way home.  As I reached an intersection,4 |       a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I" |       did not see the other car. |o4 |  6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell0 |       asleep at the wheel and had an accident. |r1 |  7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end 0 |       trouble when my universal joint gave way' |       causing me to have an accident.n |k5 |  8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the  |       other vehicle. | 6 |  9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly2 |       appeared in a place where no sign had ever5 |       appeared before, I was unable to stop in timen |       to avoid the accident. |i3 | 10. I told the police I was not injured, but upone. |       removing my hair, I found that I had a |       fractured skull. |u3 | 11. I was sure the old fellow would never make ito3 |       to the other side of the road when I struckb |       him. |n5 | 12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman ase* |       he bounced off the hood of my car. | 5 | 13. The indirect cause of the accident was a littleW, |       guy in a small car with a big mouth. |n3 | 14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, 4 |       and was later found in a ditch by some stray
 |       cows.g |i0 | 15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. | 6 | 16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it- |       was up when I put my head through it.A |d6 | 17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front,  |       I struck the pedestrian. |e6 | 18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a) |       number of times before I hit him.o$       (Number 18 gets my vote -- BB) |e5 | 19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, soh |       I ran over him.o |h5 | 20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my, |       car and vanished.c |r2 | 21. A truck backed through my windshield into my |       wife's face. |o6 | 22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced0 |       at my mother-in-law, and headed over the |       embankment.  | .                           ====================  v     mG The following is a copy of some correspondance which took place betweenx+ one of our editors and a Mr. Lewis Carroll:x    Dear Mr. Carroll, < The publisher has  referred to me your latest  work,  a poem< called "Jabberwocky," for editing.  "Jabberwocky" seems rife< with  misspellings and  typos;  I  assumed  that these  were+ unintentional and the fault of your typist.f< Fortunately,  we have recently purchased PROFS (Professional< Office  Systems),   a  new  IBM   package  that  includes  a< sophisticated  proofreader  and   spelling  checker.    This< program is  able to  guess quite accurately  as to  what the< misspelled word may actually be.  PROFS also offers synonyms< and  alternatives for  words,  and  it  can note  redundant, awkward or wordy phrases. < I have  run "Jabberwocky"  through this  program.   Granted,< your obvious intent is to produce a work of fantasy, so I've< taken some  of your  proper nouns  to be  creations of  your imagination.< Certain words,  however,  weren't clear.   For example,  the< first line of your original text read:   "Twas brillig,  and< the slithy toves."   The only words recognized  by the PROFS proofreader were "and the."l< When I hit  a key marked "aid,"  I get a list  of what PROFS< construes to be possible spellings of a flagged word.   With< "slithy,"  PROFS came  up with  slithery,  slimy,   slither,< slimly, silty,  slinky,  and slight.   Your typist must have< inadvertently dropped the  "er" from "slithery" and  come up< with the nonsense "slithy."  Of course,  I fixed the word to say "slithery."o< And so  it goes.   I continued  to make repairs as  I deemed< fit.   But Mr.  Carroll, the mistakes were not always clear.< For example, in the first verse your text read:   "All mimsy< were  the borogoves."   The computer  thought  that you  had< meant to say:   "All misty were the bongoes," but bongoes is; a far shot from borogoves.  What did you mean by borogoves? < In  the  second  verse,   you warn  to  "shun  the  frumious< Bandersnatch!"   "Frumious" is  obviously  a misspelling  of< "furious";   however,  I  have no  idea  as to  just what  a< Bandersnatch  might   be.    Our   computer  has   suggested< "Ballerinas," but I suspect that you had something better in mind.o< Mr.  Carroll, I've edited many fantasies, so I must warn you< that I am familiar with all forms of sword,  be they elfish,< dwarfish or otherwise.   I have already heard of the "vorpal< sword"  you mentioned  in verse  three.   It  seems to  have  e< gained  popularity among  role-playing game  enthusiasts,(1)< but I'm  not sure its  reference is appropriate  here.   The< computer certainly doesn't have "vorpal"  in its memory,  so< I'm not sure that the public would appreciate your using the< word.    I have  let the  computer  substitute "verbal"  for< "vorpal," and I believe that you  will find the result has a nice ring to it.< Some of  the other  gems that  your secretary  came up  with< include an "uffish" thought,  "whiffling" when you certainly< meant "waffling," and  some sort of wood.   She  called it a< "tulgey wood."  Again  the computer came through:    Did you< mean "turkey wood?"   Admittedly,  the computer had  quite a< time with  "turkey wood";  it  insisted that it  should have< been "turkey would."  But that would have been nonsense.   A7 good editor shouldn't be afraid to override a computer.r< When I first saw the word "chortled" I was sure that you had< made  it  up!(2)   The  computer didn't  flag  it  as  being< misspelled,   but it  couldn't  offer  any synonyms  for  it< either.   On looking it up, I was amused to discover that it< was meant to be a cross between a chuckle and a snort.   How clever of you to find it!l< Well, enough criticism.   I'm sure your poem is salvageable.< It's a pity, though,  that even "cleaned up" this poem would< be far too difficult for children to read.   One function of< the PROFS proofreader is to check the comprehension level of< a word.  I'm afraid that some of the words you use are level< 16,  i.e.,  a person would have  to be a graduate student or< better to  understand the word.    That's too  bad,  because, there's quite a market for children's verse.< Anyway,  I've  underlined the  unrecognizable words  in your< original and I'm  returning it to you.    I've also enclosed< the result of my collaboration with the computer;  I believe< that you  will find  the corrected  version to  be pleasing,< understandable and in keeping with your reputation.   Let me< know what you think.   I hope  you understand that there are< few publishers out  there who care to take the  time to work with promising authors.u Yours truly, xxxxx xxxxxx --------------------< (1) To "Dungeons and Dragons" players,  a "vorpal sword" has< the power to sever limbs when the player rolls 18 or higher. The word is a Carroll creation.A< (2) "Chortle," a word coined by Carroll,  has worked its way into standard dictionaries.'  t  o JABBERWOCKYi# 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves # ----- -------          ------ -----e  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:     ----     ------        ----r All mimsy were the borogoves,H     -----          --------- And the mome raths outgrabe.         ---- ----- --------  "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!k             ----------) The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!s  Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun            ------s The frumious Bandersnatch!"      -------- ------------.! He took his vorpal sword in hand:n             ------& Long time the manxome foe he sought --               --------  So rested he by the Tumtum tree,                     ------ And stood awhile in thoughto# And, as in uffish thought he stood,             ------ # The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,      ----------& Came wiffling through the tulgey wood,       --------             ------ And burbled as it came! - One, two!  One, two!  And through and through $ The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
     ------" He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back.         ----------$ "And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?	      ----p  Come to my arms, my beamish boy!                     -------e# O frabjous day!  Callooh!  Callay!"f!   --------       -------   ------  He chortled in his joy.a# 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves # ----- -------          ------ -----   Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:     ----     ------        ----  All mimsy were the borogoves,y     -----          --------- And the mome raths outgrabe.         ---- ----- --------p  c    JABBERWHACKY% 'Twas broiling, and the slithery toes   Did gore and gimlet in the wave: All misty were the bongoes,u And the mole rats outraged.  "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!0) The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!u  Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun The furious Ballerinas!"! He took his verbal sword in hand: ' Long time the meantime foe he sought --   So rested he by the Tumtum tree, And stood awhile in thoughti$ And, as in iffiest thought he stood,# The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,b& Came waffling through the turkey wood, And burbled as it came!h- One, two!  One, two!  And through and throughl$ The verbal blade went snicker-snack!" He left it dead, and with its head He went galloping back.a$ "And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?  Come to my arms, my beaming boy!# O fabulous day!  Callooh!  Callay!"  He chortled in his joy. % 'Twas broiling, and the slithery toesa  Did gore and gimlet in the wave: All misty were the bongoes,g And the mole rats outraged.n   .                           ====================           r8                ZEN AND THE ART OF SOFTWARE DOCUMENTATION  I  t@      (Translated from the P'-u-t'ung hua dialect by W.C.Carlson)  n  dC      Editor's Note:  The following are excerpts from the only knownnG treatise on Zen Software Documentation.  Called "H'ring-chu-tsu", whichcD literally translates to "Ink of Several Insignificant Matters", this@ treatise was written in 12th Century Japan by the scholarly monkE E'm-ie-T'.  That it discusses Software documentation -- predating thetE advent of software by 850 years -- is but another of the mysteries of  those who walk the true path.r'      This article should be read twice.   o! On Preparing to Write of Softwarex   B      To prepare for the writing of Software, the writer must firstH become one with it, sometimes two.  Software is untasteable, opalescent,C transparent; the user sees not the software, so the writer must seenF through it.  Spend long, quiet mornings in meditation.  Do not sharpen6 the mind, but rather blunt it by doing Zen crosswords.H (Ed. note:  Zen crosswords are done by consulting only the "Down" clues;( and always in the mind, never on paper.)     eE      The mind should be rooted but flexible, as a long stemmed flower H faces the Sun yet bends with the Wind.  Think not of compound adjectivesG because they tend to wire the mind in two directions.  Rather, considerrB the snowflake, which radiates in beauty in any and all directions. Partake of strong drink.  e  oE      Do not study the Software; let it study you.  Allow the SoftwaretH admission to your mind, but keep in the cheap seats.  Let it flow aroundH you at its own pace.  Do not disturb or dismay it, but keep it from your1 private parts because it tends to coalesce there."     .H      When the Software is with you, you will know it.  It will lead yourH mind where it should be, and prepare you for the narcolepsy that is certH ain to follow.  You will know when the Software is with you, and so willG others.  You will smile with an inner smile.  Typewriters will frightene you.  You will fall down a lot.s  s  hG      The first exercise in writing Software documentation is the Haiku. H Haiku are 17 syllable poem forms in which many ideas of a single conceptE are reduced  -- nay, distilled -- into a short, impressionistic poem.x? For example, the Haiku for preparing to write of Software goes:h  t   &                    Emptiness on paper;)                         Fleeting thought.f+                    Red Sox play at Fenway'ss#                         Green Park.n  o  sA By concentrating on the Softwares form and function in a concise,sC subliminal, truly meaningless Haiku verse, you have transcended thea1 Software, and you can then write the true manual.h     g> The following Haiku is from a Zen manual on Data Transmission:  n  i/                    How swiftly whirls the disk;o2                    Data leaps to the floating head                     And is known.  o  t$ And this is on Hardware Maintenance:  o  l.                    The smell of hot P.C. card,+                      Blank screen, no bell, ,                    New parts will be needed.  s   ) And another Haiku, this one on Debugging:   p  r-                    All the lights are frozen;,-                    The cursor blinks blandly.i.                    Soon, I shall see the dump.  t   G Let the Haikku thoughts free your mind from your fingers.  Your fingers @ will write what must be written.  Soon you will be in Doc. Prep.  e  t    On the Review Cycled  n  fF      This is the murkiest path.  Storms gather and disperse around youH many directions, none of which are in English.  The path becomes unclear? as many an idea compete for attention.  Some of them are fatal.c  u   ?      But the writer of Zen Software documentation fears not theoG turbulence of review cycles.  Let it storm around you and be dry, warm,o@ and safe in the knowledge that you have written the pure manual.E Anyway, you know the printer.  You shall in the end have it your way.T   @ Editor's Note:  If you enjoyed this article, you may not wish to'                 read the following one.   n.                           ====================  a  e   @ Editor's Note:  This article is written in UPPER case so that it*                 will not be taken lightly.  e3                   REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T EAT QUICHEt3                   ---------------------------------u  fF RP DON'T EAT QUICHE.  IN FACT, RP DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL QUICHE.$ THEY EAT TWINKIES AND SZECHWAN FOOD.  m@ REAL PROGRAMMERS (RP) DON'T WRITE SPECS -- USERS SHOULD CONSIDERC THEMSELVES LUCKY TO GET ANY PROGRAMS AT ALL AND TAKE WHAT THEY GET.h  oG RP DON'T COMMENT THEIR CODE.  IF IT IS HARD TO WRITE, IT SHOULD BE HARDe TO UNDERSTAND.   D RP DON'T WRITE APPLICATIONS PROGRAMS; THEY PROGRAM RIGHT DOWN TO THE@ BARE METAL.  APPLICATIONS PROGRAMMING IS FOR DWEEBS WHO CAN'T DO SYSTEMS PROGRAMMING.  IF RP DON'T WRITE IN COBOL.  COBOL IS FOR WIMPY APPLICATIONS PROGRAMMERS.  eG RP' PROGRAMS NEVER WORK RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.  BUT IF YOU THROW THEM ONhD THE MACHINE THEY CAN BE PATCHED INTO WORKING IN "ONLY A FEW" 30-HOUR DEBUGGING SESSIONS.e  iA RP DON'T WRITE IN FORTRAN.  FORTRAN IS FOR PIPE-STRESS FREAKS AND- CRYSTALLOGRAPHY WEENIES.  uB RP NEVER WORK 9-5.  IF ANY RP ARE EVEN AROUND AT 9AM, THEY WERE UP
 ALL NIGHT.  hF RP NEVER WRITE IN BASIC.  ACTUALLY, NO PROGRAMMERS EVER WRITE IN BASIC AFTER THE AGE OF 12.  aB RP DON'T WRITE IN PL/1.  PL/1 IS FOR PROGRAMMERS THAT CAN'T DECIDE BETWEEN COBOL AND FORTRAN.  tD RP DON'T PLAY TENNIS, OR ANY OTHER SPORT THAT REQUIRES YOU TO CHANGEC CLOTHES.  MOUNTAIN CLIMBING IS OK, AND RP WEAR THEIR CLIMBING BOOTStC TO WORK IN CASE A MOUNTAIN SUDDENLY SPRINGS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THEr
 MACHINE ROOM.-  -A RP DON'T WRITE IN PASCAL, OR BLISS, OR ADA, OR ANY OF THOSE PINKO-C COMPUTER SCIENCE LANGUAGES.  STRONGB TYPING IS FOR PEOPLE WITH WEAKi MINDS.  nA RP DON'T DOCUMENT.  DOCUMENTATION IS FOR SIMPS WHO CAN'T READ THE- LISTINGS OR THE OBJECT DECK.  o-                         =====================   x      F SpecialFeatureSpecialFeatureSpecialFeatureSpecialFeatureSpecialFeature   1                     Valentine's Day Personals !!!o  n6               *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *      Snugglebuns,<     Please believe me when I say that I didn't mean anythingB   by it when I ate your cat.  Honestly, I meant well. Love, Mingo.      Jerry,E     Happy Val's Day and good luck with your operation.  Can't wait toc1   start calling you Geraldine!! Kisses, LuvyDuvy.   w*   To the Gentleman I met at the ACM Party:>     I don't know if you recall having a rather interesting I/OC   (mostly "I", hee hee) session with me the other night, but I musto?   tell you that your interface control was the longest and mostn?   exhilarating I've been lucky enough to peruse in a long time. ;   I hope you enjoyed "DEBUG."  Call me sometime, Shnookums.-      Sandy,>     I love the gorilla suit.  But next time, remember to bring$   the clothespins ok?  Later, Spiff.   6               *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *