D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 21.0                           Issue 20                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             642 lines   6-MAR-1990 19:47P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    C        @@@    @@@@             @@@          @@@@                @@@ B       @@@@    @@           @@   @@          @@                  @@I      @@ @@   @@  @@  @@ @@@@@@  @@    @    @@   @@@@  @@ @@    @@ @@  @@@ G     @@  @@  @@  @@  @@   @@     @@   @@   @@  @@  @@  @@  @@  @@@@   @@ I    @@   @@ @@  @@  @@   @@ @@   @@ @@ @@ @@  @@  @@  @@      @@ @@     @@ G   @@    @@@@   @@@@ @@  @@@     @@@   @@@@   @@@@   @@     @@@  @@  @@@ ) @@@@    @@@                    @@@    @@@    1                        Electronic Humor Magazine.    ;             Issue020, (Volume V, Number 2).  October, 1987.    8                NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by8                 Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>H ------------------------------------------------------------------------;              Know what we hate most?  Rhetorical questions. H ------------------------------------------------------------------------(                                 Contents(                                 ========A               NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest 9               Nuts & Bolts ................... Commentary 4               On Computers ................... Essay4               D-Ned .......................... Story:               Metabolic Fascism .............. Health Tips3               All-Purpose Joke ............... Joke    H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   (                                NewsWorks(                                =========   E     Good evening and welcome to NutWorks, the humor magazine that has D been called "offensive", "sexist", "sophomoric" and many other wordsE beginning with "o" or "s" (but not both), by people who are certainly * loads more qualified to judge than we are.D     This is the first gala issue of the season, containing a more orE less random sampling of the sort of material NutWorks is infamous for E wasting your precious time with.  So, without further ado, we'll just G say thanks for reading:  "Thanks for reading."  We hope you consider it  time well wasted. F     We'd like to thank "JRP" and his gang from across the pond for theD massive amount of material they have sent to us over the summer.  WeD will be printing bits and pieces of it here and there in forthcoming issues. H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   *                               Nuts & Bolts+                              ============== .                          by Brent C.J. Britton   D     Instead of boring you with another one of my silly commentaries,D I'd like to devote this month's Nuts & Bolts to something I think is pretty darn neat...    -                           Hazards of Deafness -                           =================== ;              Excerpted from the book, "HAZARDS OF DEAFNESS" 9                by Roy K. Holcomb (@1977 Joyce Media, Inc) B      Distributed by Scott Allen Steinbrink <11SSTEINBRIN @ GALLUA>   @        (Before you send flames, please note that both the author2                       and the submitter are deaf.)   3                      "You" refers to a deaf person.    H  -- You buy a car with the world's best radio and never use it until you     trade your car in.   F  -- A pebble gets into your hubcap and you go 800 miles before someone     brings it to your attention    E  -- You stop for gas. The serviceman asks if you want to fill her up? F     He then asks if you want him to check your oil?  Yes, again.  YourF     water?  Yes.  Then he says something which you don't quite "catch"H     but assume that it is tires this time and answer in the affirmative,G     again.  However, the last question may be something to do with your >     liking the blizzard or wanting to buy his filling station.   G  -- In the hospital you can't call your loved ones, but neither can the      bill collectors call you.    H  -- You can't phone friends to wish them a happy birthday or invite themI     to a poker party. But then, neither can anyone phone you while you're      in the bathtub.    G  -- You are introduced to a stranger. You do not "catch" the name after G     several repetitions. You try to alibi your way out of the embarras- G     sing situation by saying that people's names are often difficult to C     speechread unless they are easy ones like Smith, Brown, Reed or G     Jones.  Then the stranger's name turns out to be Smith, Brown, Reed 
     or Jones.    C  -- You are stopped by a policeman. When you reach for your pad, he H     reaches for his gun - he can't take a chance. If you talk, your deafD     speech may make him think you are a dangerous character. So, youI     could be in trouble either way. The best thing to do, it seems, is to 6     act both deaf and dumb and not say or do anything.   E  -- You judge a person to be very nice by his appearance and manners, <     never knowing that his voice labels him as a big phoney.   I  -- You are enjoying yourself with some deaf friends and some hearing guy H     gives you a note inquiring, "Can you read and write?" Of course, you:     write back to him that you can neither read nor write.   E  -- Announcements of special sales are made over a public system in a I     store.  You save yourself a fortune by not hearing the announcements.    E  -- At the movies you laugh aloud when others cry and cry when others E     laugh, because you don't see things the same as other people hear      them in the movies.    G  -- Birds sing their song of Spring. You know that Spring is here, too, H     not from the song of the birds but from their mess on your car wind-     shield.    I  -- When walking down on the sidewalk someone attempts to pass you on the G     right, then on the left, and then on the right again. Each time the F     person tries to pass you, you unconsciously move in that directionI     and lock him not hearing the person behind you, let alone knowing his D     intentions and your football coach told you that you were a poor     blocker.   I  -- Your barber gets a "mouth rest" while cutting your hair as he doesn't H     have to chatter. However, you lose out on the latest barber news and
     jokes.   F  -- In the kitchen you don't dare ask your wife something when she hasG     the butcher knife in her hand and she might answer in sign language $     and you might be minus one head.   F  -- You let a friend out of your car. Your car door slams on her coat.D     You start up; your friends runs for dear life, hollering all theH     time. You finally glance to the right and wonder what in the world aI     60-year lady is doing racing your car on foot before you realize what      has happened.    E  -- At a meeting you try to "sh" people and make more noise with your 2     "sh" than the people who are making the noise.   E  -- You pay a thousand dollars to take a tour through Europe. You get H     nothing from your guides, except for watching the petite French one,F     the pretty German lassie, and oh, yes, the Dutch girl you couldn't<     take  your eyes off for more than two minutes at a time.   3  -- Breaking your arm becomes a type of laryngitis.    G  -- Someone tells you that you are a very good lipreader and you reply,      "What did you say?   F  -- You always get up early on Saturday mornings to cut your lawn. YouG     never know how happy your neighbors are when your lawn mower breaks 	     down.    F  -- You go to a restaurant with your gang. Since you have good speech,D     you  do all of the ordering and talking with the waitress. After7     eating, who do you think gets the check every time?   VE  -- You can't tap a watermelon to see if it is ripe and ready to eat.    H  -- You sign some dirty words. Your parents get angry. You laugh and sayG     it  will not do any good to wash your mouth with soap as you signed A     the dirty words. Your parents then wash your hands with soap.      -- Dial-a-Prayer      Dial-a-Friend9     Dial-for-Help-@     All of those are out of reach for you except your Dial Soap.  -F  -- You go to a dark, public toilet. You push the door open to go to aI     stool.  A guy in there hollers. You keep going. The guy keeps holler-@     ing.  You keep going.   @H ------------------------------------------------------------------------A Q: How many Monty Python fans does it take to change a lightbulb?@   H A: Eleven.  One to say that it is an ex-bulb and it is no more.  AnotherI    to claim that it's resting.  One to put a paper bag on his head at the G    mention of the word lightbulb.  Another to say that he didn't expect F    the Spanish Inquisition.  Three to burst in and say that their mainH    weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless electricity.  Another to haveF    his head nailed to the lightbulb.  Finally, one to do a silly walk,F    one to say "And now for something completely different...", and one    to change the bulb.  - -- jrp et alH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  -*                               On Computers*                               ============@         by: Michael Moscovitch, Rob Milette and Eugene Gershtein  s> WARNING: Parts of the following text deal with microcomputers.I          (You know, those small boxes your kids leave lying around in the.H          driveway so you can back over them with the car).  None of this-          is virtual, in fact its almost real..  HI Many people are fascinated by computers.  This is only natural since they-I offer a release from the repetitive manual labour required for some tasks F such as filing and sorting.  All good things, however can be taken tooD far.  Before we try to utilize a computer for a certain task we mustH first decide if it is worth the effort.  Will the computer be more effi-F cient than our present scheme?  For example, a common selling point ofI home computers is recipe filing.  Now just imagine how stupid this really  is.i  eH First of all, you need to have the machine nearby so you place it on theG kitchen counter.  At this point, it is extremely important that you are E careful to avoid spilling things like coffee, chicken soup, or tomatorE juice inside the computer.  These foods are not necessary for it, andoI might even cause some damage if you are lucky.  If you are not lucky thenaF you will be the first person to cook chicken soup on a hot cathode rayH tube.  Do not even put cereal in the serial interface, unless you have a very strong vacuum cleaner.-  -G So now that you have gotten your computer back after paying the $384.57 I repair bill because you used it to defrost a chicken, you can start usingnI it for recipe filing.  First of all you must remember to put the disks incH the drives and the bread in the toaster, not the other way around.  ThisH will avoid burning all your data and formatting your breakfast.  AnotherH thing to remember is never touch the computer with sticky hands.  You'llG understand this when you have to walk around with a RETURN key stuck tolH your hand.  Unfortunatly, we can't tell you any more about recipe filingE because we accidentally used the wordprocessor on a milkshake and thetE food processor on this column.  Needless to say, the computer did notfG survive and this is whats left of the column.  Not very pleasant is it? H Next time we will show you how to get choclate siroup out of a keyboard.  oH ------------------------------------------------------------------------D Q: How many theoretical computer scientists does it take to change a
    lightbulb?m  aB A: One, who fetches eleven Monty Python fans, thereby reducing the    problem to an earlier joke.  r -- jrp et alH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  a&                                  D-Ned&                                  =====+                              by Andy Zaslowu   H This is not copyrighted (c) 1984 by D.  Griffith.  If you really want toD use it for commercial purposes, go ahead.  Keep in mind(s), however,H that everyone else in this world has the right to make as many copies of this document as they see fit.   G "meln torp prot nabble, nabble zot nab" - Richard Terrill,  D. Griffith  "bork" - Roland Bevan   -D Once upon a time, there was a potato.  This potato was however not aG potato but a pink and green striped flea named Ned.  Unfortunately, Ned H was color-blind and unable to smell that he was pink and green (or greenG and pink depending how you looked at him, but it did not matter when he H looked at him because he was color-blind or so he thought and we thoughtE because it said so above).  He jumped off a cliff (with a velocity, vrE and acceleration, a).  Because Ned (or Joe as his enemies called him)uH took Physics I and he (or she) was unable to calculate his velocity uponD impact, he survived even though the C compiler will not arrive untilE next week.  So, it was just as well that he did know what the SWITCHenG statement did because Moon Jockey Chung could not even be understood byeF Sam (also known as Ned or Joe or Sam or Ned or Joe or Sylvia or Bob orD the cold little crumpled little piece of white little small piece ofG paper on the old large wooden dirty floor while MJC explains the C lan-,E guage).  Suddenly!!! ( <-- not a real sentence) An oncoming train hit-B Ned (or...) and due to his background in physics and materials NedG (or...) destroyed the train with its poorly calculated momentum and wassF sentenced to life in prison for N years as N -> oo (infinity, that is)( and there he stays whoever he really is.  g  h0                         Part II (oo years later)   D Ned, who happened to be dead, was walking around his cell for he (orE she) was a one celled organism and became entangled in his DNA and inrG the process split one of his genes into one piece two thirds as long asnF the original, one pi/4 as long as the original, one sqr(e/3.2) as longD as the original, and one 0/1342 as long as the original.  This wouldC have created quite remarkable affects but as we said, Ned was dead.p  oH A few days or weeks or years or bergs (a unit of measurement named afterG Chris Berg) later it was still oo years later and Ned was released fromaH prison.  Ned was excited and frolicked through fields of flowers becauseH he went and stored that in location 505, realizing at the same time thatC he did not know whether the location was expressed in decimal, hex, B octal or any other integer base K, where K>5.  This matter did notF trouble Joe long for he looked up and saw the JMS (Jump to Subroutine)E on the screen and his mind(s) or lack thereof was totally filled withiD the question "Why is the letter M used in the JMS statement?" He mayH have realized that it was the "M" from the word Jump, but his parser wasF unable to decode the question because he used double quotes around theD 'M' and not single quotes.  His brain then hung and he walked aroundC aimlessly until he tripped over a cold boot and found himself vaca-aF tioning in Africa.  Not having any ROM he had to wait many years whileG hundreds of monkeys randomly keyed in code until power-up was achieved.rE Joe lived happily for many years until a slave ship picked him up and F brought him to America.  He was not sold however because the code thatD Fred monkey keyed in had a minor flaw which caused Ned to play movieE tape of a princess asking for help from Obie Wan, but the message was F preempted by a homework assignment "Homework Assignment #1 Due 20 SeptF 1984 2.7 and 2.10." In the confusion Odie (not Obie) was called and heG flipped many pointy objects and he then blew up the world, but Ned sur-hE vived because he was not there because the supreme being got tired ofw writing.  r   8                Part III (the next day in Intro to Micro)  -C When the supreme being finally started to write again Ned was in an H empty void, for the world had been blown up.  Sam did not explode in theF vacuum due to his impossibly strong pink and green outer shell.  As heH was near death he said, "Let there be light." The supreme being, who canH even hear in a vacuum replied by saying "You lose, bill." However, sinceG the supreme being was not used to his supreme power had made a mistake. B Because there was no Bill (an old reference to Bill Casino, a realD loser) to lose and since all things that the supreme being says mustG occur by some process which even he (or she or...) does not necessarily-E know, an anti-Bill (Note: Bill, when preceded by You lose is in lowertF case) was created (or not created depending on your universe).  SeeingH the problem, the supreme supreme being also known as The Twos ComplementD Which Goes All The Way to 255 (0FF in hex) complemented Bill's bits,D which happened to produce the bit representation of the world in theF year 1971 some time in the beginning of May.  Sam (who from now on mayF be called Greg, or jim for short) was quite relieved and was so joyfulE that he added 973 and the twos-complement of 654 to get the result oftE 346.  Being his supreme self, the supreme supreme supreme being saw ajH major flaw in the world.  This was that there were two Jims in the worldF (or Jim or Ned or...), so he destroyed the Sam who had just learned ofE twos-complements.  That was ok (pronounced as it is spelled, with onetE syllable) though, because the wise supreme supreme supreme being knewiB that by Sylvia existing for the short time that he (or she) did heG changed the course of some air molecules which would eventually be usediH in the machinery that Odie would use to blow up the world.  In fact thisE change would cause a malfunction in the detonator apparatus, to whichnC Odie would reply, "Skippy eatee bow wow snarf" or something to thisfH effect.  The net effect of this chapter is that the world really was notF blown up and that the H (1) bit in the accumulator (known as the half- carry) was set. 
 ----------I 1.  This is a carry over (pardon the pun (haha)) from the 4 bit computer.e  s  m0                        Part IV (the CAOS begins)  uE Ned, who knew nothing of the world's destruction or any of the events E leading to the recreation of the world was still having problems withnG the code keyed in by Fred (an allusion to D.  Griffith) the monkey But, D suddenly before much happened the supreme being became interested inB something other that the world, and the world stopped for a while.  tE Intermission (lights, music plays, smoking in the lobby only, please)l  y  e5                    Spuddy Soap --- The Soap with Spudn  hG And here we are in a supermarket with some famous athlete who claims tol use Spuddy Soap.@ JOCK - Excuse me sir or miss...  Yes, you in the pink and green. NED  - Uhh, me?r= JOCK - Yes you! Do you use Spuddy...uh...Soup..uh, no...Soap?tB NED  - Well, I can't speak English but I...  zap ZZzzing!...  HelpA        me Obie Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope...Help me Obie Wani2        Kenobi...You're my only...Zzlard..Zing pop!@ JOCK - Well, uh there (scratches his balls) you have it.  Spuddy9        Soap - the Spuddiest Soap around...  Are we done yk  a  . Now for something really funny!u  vH Knock, knock.  Who's there?  Who's there!?!  Damn deaf people with theirD white canes.  (opening door) Wow!!  It's a baby with a note.  (acci-C dently sticking the baby with the pin which held the note, the babysE deflates spewing blood and other wonderful things all over the place.hF Oh, Shit!  (A green and pink or pink and green Ned or Jor or...  walksD around the corner).  You called?  Who are YOU! Yes I am.  (Note: TheF answer makes sense as he can be called by just about any name and "WhoD are YOU!" is good enough and therefore passes as a boolean TRUE.) (AG total solar eclipse occurs and when the light returns something happenstE which the supreme being has not thought of yet...  but since he is in-E CAOS a transistor drives by but does not make it much further because  its inputs were low.  dH Shocked, Ned barely jumps out of the way of the transistor in time (muchG less space) and asks for a picanic basket, eh Booboo? Realizing that heoC is not a bear Ned rides off into the sunset while converting AND-ORm" expressions into NAND expressions.   A Going a little faster than he wanted, Ned, moving faster than thesE angular velocity of the earth's rotation finds himself in mid-morningeD the same day.  All of a sudden, Ned felt quite strange as his colors changed.  aE The end of this part of the story I guess since it is almost time for G lunch and my arm and mind(s) are getting weak while the construction of H the CII is still being built and people walk by outside the lecture hallG and the prof continues to talk as someone sneezes and other people talkb? and rumple papers and close paper binders while I stop writing.   jH ------------------------------------------------------------------------I Three women are discussing how their husbands make love.  The first says,aH "My husband is a footbal player.  He is really powerful and energetic inI bed, and this is a real turn on for me."  The second says, "My husband is H a musician, and when we make love it's as if he were playing me.  He al-E ways knows exactly what I want and gives it to me without my asking." D The third says, "Well, my husband is a sales representative for IBM.G When we make love all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell mel1 how good it's going to be when I finally get it."<  n( -- Richard Solensky <RSOLENSKY@SBCCMAIL>H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   ,                            Metabolic Fascism,                            ==================            (or Amanda, We're Outta Chock Full O' Nuts Again.)s+                             by Basil Hosmer /                         Submitted by Dave Boyesh  eB Every programmer has some experience with bodily abuse.  Sooner orG later, all of us do things to ourselves we wouldn't admit to Mom.  MostpD of the time we say we're provoked by circumstances: whether it's theC representative from your client's company -- a not pleasant man whooE looks a lot like Herman Munster, breathing heavily on your neck -- ortD some towering, unstoppable endorphin rush that threatens to rip yourE medulla out of its socket if you don't code up that monstro algorithmiD RIGHT NOW and forget about your wedding.  We generally attribute our) protracted binges to some external force.u  fH This attitude bespeaks a hideous wrong-headedness among programmers.  WeF seem to get some masochistic pleasure out of responding to pressure byF sitting in front of our machines until our fingernails are too long toD type.  Our eyes get varicose veins.  We run fingers through our hair) until we get split ends.  We drool.  Why?   dH Because, the deluded among us would answer, we have to.  Some specter isH chaining us to our chairs, making strangers of our families, removing usF from the throb of humanity.  It's not a pretty job, we sigh nobly, butH someone has to do it.  This is, as my sister used to say, pompous fudge-$ cakes.  We do it because we like it.  lG In view of this, I submit a philosophy of life which has served me well ; for the past couple of years.  I call it Metabolic Fascism.e  uG There are several basic tenets to this philosophy, but one provides theo7 foundation for the rest: You Are At War With Your Body.h  uH Picture a table.  A lobbyist for your brain sits on one side, a lobbyistH for your body on the other.  They are pushing their respective interestsH as you go through your life.  In a democratic regime, one might overhear( something like this during a normal day:  AC BODY:  Nothing like a good, hearty breakfast to kick-start the day.nH BRAIN: Yeah...I feel some serious creativity coming on.  It's gonna be aE        banner day for original thought.  Can we arrange a little rushs1        from a relevant gland to start things off? : BODY:  Why, sure.  (Drains a mug of java...)  There we go. BRAIN: Thanks.  f (Some eight hours later.)i  e1 BODY:  Okay, it's about time to wind things down.o
 BRAIN: But... < BODY:  C'mon, it'll be better in the morning if we quit now. BRAIN: Aw, okay.   0 (After some interval, sleep, then repeat cycle.)   H Now, this has its obvious advantages.  Brain and body maintain a workingG camaraderie, the cycle of ups and downs is never too extreme or debili- C tating, and the productivity of the two working in tandem is fairlyc consistent and predictable.e  tE On the other hand, come the day when Herman Munster is breathing downsE your neck, you might HAVE to trash that comfy little system for some-nA thing a little more, well, authoritarian.  My solution is simple:eH metabolic fascism.  Not when you have to crank it out, but ALL the time. To wit:e  p BODY:  Not coffee AGAIN.G BRAIN: You don't want it, throw it up.  But don't bother me.  Have somem        dessert.bG BODY:  Lucky Strikes a la carte.  Delectable.  My lungs look like Fire-e        stones.G BRAIN: Listen.  I'm on the verge of a universe-tilting breakthrough.  I !        don't need your sniveling.d- BODY:  Are we gonna get some sleep this week?w BRAIN: Yeah, yeah.    (Some 14 hours later.)  e9 BODY:  Look, man, I'm gonna die here.  I wanna go to bed.  BRAIN: SILENCE!    F (Rains vicious blows upon the Body Lobbyist until he sinks beneath the' table, a simpering lump of protoplasm.)s  e Philistine.s  mB (Some 10 hours later, the Body Lobbyist has risen from beneath the5 table, wearing full body armor and a catcher's mask.)b  g BODY:  Sleep.  Now.a  iH (The Brain lobbyist produces a dreadnought Louisville Slugger, festooned3 with nails, and clubs the Body Lobbyist senseless.)t  m BRAIN: Where was I?u  uE (Some eight hours later, the Body Lobbyist rises and leaves the room.nE The Brain Lobbyist, deep in some amphetamine-induced trance, fails to F notice.  Several minutes later the Body Lobbyist re-enters, carrying aE bazooka. He liberally distributes the Brain Lobbyist about the room.)   t BODY: Sleep.  Now.  sH (Perhaps 20 hours later, another Brain Lobbyist enters the room.  Repeat cycle.)(  aF There are tradeoffs to this methodology, sure.  But the advantages are
 overwhelming.    H First, it's more honest.  After all, the first time a deadline or a goodF idea rolls around, you're gonna shaft your body anyway, right? Why notH accustom yourself to those inevitable caffeine fests BEFORE they descend+ on your unsuspecting, pampered physiognomy?   aF Second, there is no better way to accumulate a comprehensive, detailedC knowledge of one's body than by abusing it regularly.  Whereas mostoB humans can only recognize vague, ambiguous bodily states and applyH almost meaningless words like "good," "bad," "tired" and "rested" to theG way they feel, a metabolic fascist becomes sensitive to the most subtlesG changes in his system.  He learns to check his pulse by noting the fre-eA quency of the shaking in his hands.  He learns to check his bloodgE pressure by gauging the accuracy with whichhe hits the reboot switch.   oD To a metabolic fascist, the body is a finely-tuned machine operatingC somewhere past the ragged edge.  One pays much more attention to an H engine about to explode than to one that is idling, and a metabolic fas-G cist knows his body to adegree of detail that, among other humans, onlys. long-distance runners and new mothers achieve.  .D (Not to mention the fact that this mode of living produces a certainF manic lookabout the eyes that is useful for everything from terrifyingG muggers to staring down that fossilized waitress who never, EVER, takesr1 back a cheeseburger because it's too well- done.)l   F The peripheral benefits are legion.  When was the last time you reallyB wondered what day it was? A genuine scratch-your-head-and-call-up-C Sidekick kind of puzzlement?  When was the last time you were trulyAB surprised that the sun decided to rise? When was the last time youH stared, entranced, as the sort routine you just wrote turned into littleI green soldiers that danced across your screen?  To the metabolic fascist, H life once more becomes that fascinating, unpredictable thing most humans+ never see after they graduate from diapers.s  fH ------------------------------------------------------------------------D A high ranking manager responded to a subordinates request for a pay raise by saying:  nB    "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position'sA     productive capacity as juxtaposed to government standards, it >     would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment."  s> The subordinate listened carefully and said, "I don't get it."  i& The manager responded, "That's right."  n* -- John 'Goblin' Gavin <SCST3001@IRUCCIBM>H ------------------------------------------------------------------------  l,                             All-Purpose Joke,                             ================1                        Submitted by Alan B. Cleggj  -B These three strings go into a bar and order a martini.  One stringH notices a horse with a sign that says "Make me laugh, make me cry, win aH $1000" on it.  Meanwhile, a bell starts ringing in the clock tower over-H head, and suddenly there is a loud thud as a body falls to the street inE front of the bar.  "I'm a Frayed Knot!" screams one enraged string at.H the bartender, and then disappears.  Kant leaves via the back door.  TheG other string stands in front of the horse and pulls down his pants.  ItB9 isn't clear at this point why the horse is wearing pants.    G The Inspector walks in the front door and says to no one in particular,RF "I can't remember his name, but his face rings a bell."  Several dozenF customers instinctively stab their F keys.  The remaining string gulpsF down the rest of his martini and says "And at these prices, you're not likely to see many more!"C  kF At the table in the back, the Doctor looks intently at his patient andH says "And if you don't quit jerking off, your elbow's never going to getH any better!"  "You think your thore," the patient screams back, "I can't even thit!"e  uE There's a loud thud as another body hits the pavement in front of thesH bar, and a Purdue freshman runs in the door and says "And now his broth- er's a dead ringer, too!"   oD The door to the bathroom opens and a young boy in a vaguely MedievalF costume wanders out.  "Do you know where some Yellow Fingers are?"  he asks.s  cF Suddenly, there is a loud crash outside and a bleeding man comes stum-F bling into the bar. "Was that a penguin I just ran over, or a nun withH sunglasses?" he asks. "I think not," says the bartender, and disappears.  nH A yokel gets up from a corner booth and asks the bartender (who has mys-@ teriously reappeared), "Bartender, where is the library at?" TheF bartender looks askance at the hick and replies "We don't serve peopleG from Purdue, *ASSHOLE*!" and hits him over the head with a bat, killinga him instantly.  o@ Immediately, several people scream out "I'm a dead ringer for my	 brother!"m  nF (Fortunately, at this point the election results came in and Ferdinand Marcos won 512 to 2.)e  gE An Indian walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a Q-tip. "Wax E problem?" the solicitious bartender asks. "No, buffalo come," repliesi the red man.  lE The bartender notices a man scrawling grafitti on the wall and levels D him with both barrels of a sawed-off shotgun.  The first part of the grafitti reads:b  o/          >>>Electricians do it for the halibut.e          >>I have a haddock.          >Cod, I hate this.f  y+ The bar explodes into spontaneous applause.o  bG A prison convict stands on his chair, clears his throat and says "57!". G The room is dead silent.  The silence is broken by screams from the man F trying to remove his appendix with the scalpel he found underneath hisC chair.  There are several examples of Universes scattered about ther floor beside him.   '= A disgruntled reader gets up and leaves via the front door...rH ------------------------------------------------------------------------/ Issue020, (Volume V, Number 2).  October, 1987.r