D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 22.0                           Issue 21                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             551 lines   6-MAR-1990 19:50P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    C        @@@    @@@@             @@@          @@@@                @@@ B       @@@@    @@           @@   @@          @@                  @@I      @@ @@   @@  @@  @@ @@@@@@  @@    @    @@   @@@@  @@ @@    @@ @@  @@@ G     @@  @@  @@  @@  @@   @@     @@   @@   @@  @@  @@  @@  @@  @@@@   @@ I    @@   @@ @@  @@  @@   @@ @@   @@ @@ @@ @@  @@  @@  @@      @@ @@     @@ G   @@    @@@@   @@@@ @@  @@@     @@@   @@@@   @@@@   @@     @@@  @@  @@@ ) @@@@    @@@                    @@@    @@@    1                        Electronic Humor Magazine.    <             Issue021, (Volume VI, Number I).  January, 1988.   8                NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by8                 Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>H ------------------------------------------------------------------------3                      "It's so much more attractive, 3                     Inside the moral kiosk." -- REM H ------------------------------------------------------------------------(                                 Contents(                                 ========A               NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest                The Amazing 4                 Adventures of Herbert ........ Story5               The AI Notebook ................ Report 3               An Even Bet .................... Joke 9               Happy Motoring! ................ Commentary                How to Catch5                 a Grey Elephant .............. Nature 4               Dear Diary ..................... Essay5               Famous Maker Recipes ........... Health 3               Good Samaritans ................ Joke 4               Technician's Corner ............ Essay?               Gnomery ........................ Shaggy Dog Story H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   (                                NewsWorks(                                =========   D     For subscription information, contact LISTSERV@TCSVM.BITNET withH the words "GET NUTWORKS INFO" as the contents of a mail file or message.   H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   4                    The Amazing Adventures of Herbert4                    =================================)                                Episode I: ,                            Herbert's Victory,                            -----------------1                       by Ishtar <23480853@WSUVM1>    G One day, long ago, in a land known as the Golden Land, which is made up D of seven kingdoms, a child named Herbert was found in the forests ofE Spork.  This child had been foretold by the Seers of Spig long ago as E the one who would defeat the great menace of Spam, and so Herbert was G given every care imaginable.  Herbert's childhood was made up of train- G ing for the great day, and the pleasures of being raised as a member of  a royal family.    F But there was always the shadow of Spam hanging over the Golden Lands.F One day, not long after the Ritual of Sham, in which one proves adult-E hood by eating an entire pig in 3 days, our hero was wandering in the D forests of Spork, when a great shadow covered the sun.   Although itI passed quickly, the people knew it was an omen of the coming of the Spam. D Exactly one year later, the omen came true.  On that dark day, knownF 'till this day as the Day Two Hams Collided, the sun did not rise, but2 instead, a great can of Spam came out of the east.   C Our hero knew that there was only one way to save the Golden Lands. F Herbert ran to the Hamory, grabbed the magical Saltines and the vorpal, butter knife, and ran to meet the challenge.   C The menace was quickly defeated, with our hero slicing the Spam and E putting it on the Saltines, and the people ate the crackers, and thus F was the land saved.  The only problem was that the magic of the GoldenF Land, which lived in its wonderful people, was destroyed by the influxE of Spam, and soon there was income tax, thermodynamic tests, a postal G system, Godfathers pizza, Russians and nuclear weapons.  And so was the  Golden Land lost forever.    H (Be sure to tune in next month for another of Herbert's riveting tales!)H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   +                             The AI Notebook +                             =============== 4                    by Johnathan R. Partington <JRP1>   9                Recent progress in Artificial Intelligence 9                ------------------------------------------ -                            by Charles Cabbage    B After much debate on the fundamental philosophical question of theG twentieth century: "How many beans make five?" I decided that there was B only one way to get a definitive answer: ASK THE BEANS THEMSELVES.   A Accordingly, I took a can of Heinz Baked Beans, noting the legend H "57 varieties" on it.  Could 57 be the answer to this Ultimate Question,I I wondered.  My basic problem was to educate the beans so that they could I pass the Turing test.  This seemed at first sight to be a tricky project, ( but then I remembered one sinister fact.   G The Computing Service was forbidding food and drink near its terminals. I Could this be because they feared that such comestibles would evolve into H sentient life forms as a result of exposure to radiation from the CRT's?H Admittedly, this had not happened to CS students, but nonetheless I gave	 it a try.    I At dead of night I went into the User Area, tipped the baked beans over a 0 terminal, and waited for signs of consciousness.   ! A message appeared on the screen.    7  "Hi there!  I appear to have developed consciousness."    I  "Greetings, er, bean-culture," I typed. "What is 3141592 plus 27181828?"    H  "Whoa, this sounds like the Turing test.  I thought such ideas went out?  with David Wheeler.  Modern AI has gone beyond that you know."    I  "I don't suppose you're going to write me a sonnet on the subject of the    Forth Bridge, either, are you?"   I  "No.  FORTH is out as well these days.  I can do you an obscene limerick   in ML, if you like."    H  "Thanks, but all I really wanted to know was how many beans make five."   A  "Oh that's an easy one.  Take the smallest integer n>2 such that I  x^n+y^n=z^n has a solution, subtract the number of angels that can dance E  on the head of a pin, and add 57.  Look, let's play five-dimensional   Ludo instead."    H At that point the Computer Service Manager came up, and, disregarding myD claims that it was a research project, ate the beans.  I do not feel" inclined to repeat the experiment.   G (Next month our religious correspondent will produce a Fourier analysis # of the sound of one hand clapping.) H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   )                               An Even Bet )                               =========== -                           by Leslie Charteris :               Submitted by Peter Flynn <ADVISORY@IRUCCVAX>   C There was once a betting agent, a bookmaker (of the horsey, not the D literary variety), returning late one evening from a race meeting upG country.  The weather was foul, his car was old and he was tired, so he D decided to look for somewhere to stay the night, and to continue hisI journey home the next day.  Soon he saw the lights of a suitable roadside I hostelry, and pulled into the parking lot.  It turned out to be a country F pub, and he was interested to see the nameboard proclaim it was calledG "The Even Steven".  To a man in his line of business this was of course 5 intriguing enough in its own right to warrant a stay.    H While a meal and a room was being made ready, he signed the register andF chatted with the innkeeper, explaining his interest in the name of the place.  =G "Ah," sighed the host, "I thought I was being clever.  You see, my name B is Steven Even, and I thought if I turned the name round, it mightF attract some custom.  But being a rather isolated road, business isn't what it might be."  -E The landlord went on, "The real problem is my daughters: three of the-I lusciousest gals you could set eyes on.  Ought by rights to have the pick@H of their boyfriends.  But living here, so far from the nearest town, anyH boy would have to drive 30 miles to pick them up, 30 back to a movie, 30E here to bring 'em back, and 30 home themselves, and 120 miles is more@? than most boys will drive, even for beautiful girls like mine."    H The bookie condoled with him, and went into the deserted dining room forF his meal, which was delicious, and soon despatched.  After a beer withG landlord and some desultory chat, the bookmaker retired to his room and  got ready for bed.   G While he was washing, there was a knock at the door, and in glided thisNG fantastic blonde in a sheer nightdress.  "Hello, I'm Blanche Even," shetD said.  "I just wanted to see you were all right for the night."  TheI bookie explained that he had everything he needed, and after some furtherc polite chat, the girl went out.e  eG Five minutes later, as he was getting into bed, there was another knock-G at the door, and in sailed a fabulously curvy brunette.  She introduced E herself as Raven Even, and wanted to make sure he was settled in.  He.8 fended her off and soon was composing himself for sleep.   I Then there came a third knock at the door, and a stunning redhead came inbF wearing the negligee to end all negligees.  "Hi, I'm Ginger Even," sheH said, "I hope I'm not disturbing you.  I just wanted to see if there wasI anything more you needed."  By now the bookmaker was getting tired of thet= interruptions and politely but firmly showed her to the door.    I Thirty seconds later the irate landlord burst in. "What's the matter withnF you?" he cried, "I've three of the most ravishing beauties around, andF they all complain you don't want them!  Just what is it with you?  YouH wouldn't give even one of them a tumble!  Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"    E "I'm sorry," replied the bookmaker primly, "but as I said when I reg-=< istered, I'm a professional betting agent; I only lay Odds."H ------------------------------------------------------------------------  eF    And then there's the one about the two cows in a barn.  One says toG the other, "Have you heard the one about the two dogs?  One dog says toeG the other, 'Have you heard the one about the two cats?  One cat says to   the other, "Have you heard..."'"   H    "Hang on a minute," says the second cow. "This is absurd.  Cats can't talk!"    -- jrp et alH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  h+                             Happy Motoring!n*                             ==============/                          by Annie Green Springsd:               Submitted by Ann D. Fullam <AFULLAM@INDYMED>  eF So why is it that people think that no one watches them while they areD in their cars?  I mean, my whole life revolves around staring at allE those other folks who are stuck in the same traffic jam that I am in. E Why do you think you can do all that stuff you wouldn't do unless you D were alone?  Now I know that you don't normally scratch your butt inF public.  But, there you are, almost climbing onto the roof of your carG trying to scratch that elusive ITCH.  And the nose-picking -- it is theaE absolute WORST -- of course, only men do these things.  The women are E all trying to fix the twisted leg of their panty-hose, (you take both B legs off, then you inch the car forward a little, then you put theE twisted leg on (repeat 6 times, finally you get rid of the twist) youeF start to put the other leg on, then you inch forward a little more andE bump the car in front of you.  It is now a race to see if you can get F your hose back on before that guy can walk back there to cuss you out.H You WILL lose and have to stay in the car the whole time that this idiotE guy from Redneck Falls, Oklahoma, jumps up and down and yells at you,aE even though you know you would be much more formidable if you were tolE get out of the car.  (For one thing you could deck him!!!).  Finally, E after giving him the name of your insurance company and promising himnH your first *TWO* children, he goes away and you can proceed with puttingE the other leg of your hose on.  It works -- after only an hour and 20-D minutes of struggle you have successfully twisted the *OTHER* leg of your panty hose.)    E    And then there is the FARTING.  You can tell people are doing this H because they are rolling their windows down and pretending to try to seeE what is holding up traffic even though it is 200 below zero and a the-E middle of a blizzard.  Plus, they look funny when they do it.  First,bG they look all around themselves.  Then, they fart.  Then, they look alltF around again to make sure no one has heard the noise.  Come on, 5 bil-D lion cars, all standing still in a space the size of a 1 car garage,G honking their horns, and these people are worried that someone MAY HAVE G HEARD THEM FART.  Well, they're right -- we all heard them do it and we,F are all staring at them and we are all going to call their mothers andE tell on them as soon as we get out of this traffic jam (about 3 hoursp from now, give or take a week).n  iE    Also, there is an awful lot of singing.  Everyone sings along witheF the radio.  Or maybe they just talk to themselves rhythmically for 2-5C minutes at a time.  Then, when the song finishes, they quickly lookoE around to see if anyone noticed.  YUP!! I noticed and I will stare atdF you for a while to see if I can make you feel unbelievably DUMB!!!  ItF WILL work!  You will see me staring.  You will hate my guts.  You willB start carrying a 357 magnum to "take care" of people who catch you$ singing in your car in traffic jams.  eE    What I really like are those guys who go ahead and start up a longiG hill in a snow storm when they know they can't possibly make it.  These F are people who can't move forward in RAIN because they have such slickE tires.  These are people who have never, ever, gone ANYWHERE in snow.eF These are people who have trouble moving forward on FLAT DRY surfaces.D These are the people who are ALWAYS in front of me in blizzards, andF they always beat me to that gentle sloping hill that ANYBODY should beE able to drive up but NOOOOOO, not these people.  They were put on thetF earth primarily to get in MY way during snow storms, and, they have itD down pat!!  They start quickly up the hill (spinning their wheels asH they start off) they move 6 feet up the hill, they roll back down 5 feetC (they are now at a slight angle), then, they floor the accelerator.sG Stuck again!!!  Usually 10 to 12 really BRIGHT folks do this to make ustG all really happy.  It seems impossible, but, people who cannot possiblylE drive up a hill in a snow storm always arrive at the hills they can't-F drive up in large groups.  This is to insure that people who CAN driveC up hills in snow storms can't get to the hills in order to drive up  them.=  =D    Well, the traffic jam just cleared (they towed those guys off the) hill), so I guess I'd better mosey along.>H ------------------------------------------------------------------------  iH Editor's note: In NutWorks Issue017 (April '87) we carried the following(                tip in our Nature column:   3 >                     How to Catch a White Elephanto3 >                     =============================e6 >                   Submitted by Niels Kristian Jensen. >                          <C838216 AT NEUVM1>B >Go to an place where there are white elephants.  Bring with you aI >muffin (with raisins).  Climb a tree.  When the white elephant is close,eH >drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.  The white elephant willC >be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins).  White elephants likesG >muffins (with raisins).  Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.sI >After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffineC >(with rasins).  The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you arB >muffin without rasins.  Drop the muffin as usual.  When the whiteC >elephant finds out that the muffin lacks rasins, it will darken ind >anger. A >And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.y  c
 Editor's notenG Continued:    Unfortunatly, we neglected to follow it up with a certainr5               additional piece of information.  So...   v2                       How to Catch a Grey Elephant2                       ============================2                      by Ron Trenka <SAGAPO@SBCCVM>   H Go to a place where there are grey elephants.  Bring with you a box withI a peanut it it.  Climb a tree.  When the grey elephant is close, drop theeE box in front of it.  The grey elephant, curious as all grey elephantskH are, will open the box and, to his delight, eat the peanut.  Repeat this for one month.  cH After the month is up, the grey elephant will be used to opening the boxH for a peanut.  Then you climb the tree, carrying the box with a mouse inI it instead of the peanut.  Drop the box as usual.  When the grey elephantn@ opens the box, it will see the mouse and turn white with fright.   D And then you catch it the same way you would catch a white elephant.H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   )                                Dear Diaryu)                                ==========a3                     by Hugh Cushing <UI.HUGH@CU20B>e  c Dear Diary:n   C I hate my new job at the Bursar's office.  You get in at 10:30 once D George comes around and unlocks the door, and then there's all theseG papers all over your desk, and you don't know where they came from.  SodG you shove them on the floor and try to get to work, and then the stupidoF computer won't work!  The girls have this funny toy called a "computerI smasher" and it's a foam-rubber hammer that you can hit the computer ter-hG minal with, and it's really great, except I wish it was real!  So I was'I thinking today maybe trying to hit it with something real, so I used thismG roll of quarters, and it worked for a second.  But some wires must haveiH got crossed, because the repairman and Mr. Shoeberg came around and theyE both got really mad.  So >then<, I get this stupid guy comes up to my-H window and said he didn't get his GLS check, or something.  So John, theG really smart guy next to me who just started, says he doesn't know whattH the LSG check is either.  So I asked the guy what it is, and he said theI government was going to give him $13,000!  So I said "Yeah, right," and I"I called security with my little button under my desk, because I'm not paidcG to deal with nut cases.  But did that stop Mr. Shooburg from yelling at-B me?  Oh, no!  And I thought that this was going to be a great job,H because I was watching the place while I was waiting for my interview toC get hired, and I saw all these really foxy, rich guys with those CBuI jackets that my brother-in-law is always wearing, and I said "hey, I wanthE to work here!"  But it turns out they're all such CENSORED!  They actaE like I just spit up or something.  Plus, they're not so hot, half theiD time they're sucking their stomachs in and they've got zits on theirH forehead that they hide under the hair that they hang down over one eye.H And I thought that all the money would be neat to play with, but they'veF got MACHINES to count the money with now!  It's like Russia, in a way.H Oh, well, at least my commute's down to three hours.  Good night, diary.H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   .                           Famous Maker Recipes.                           ====================+                              by Aaron Sterni0                        Submitted by Hugh Cushing  h/                         Jerry Garcia's Brownies /                         -----------------------   r               Ingredients:*                          1 ounce marijuana,                          10 American dollars#                          1 1987 BMWe  F               Procedure:*                          1) Get fucked up.E                          2)  Send a roadie in the BMW to the store toc7                              buy $10 worth of brownies.f&                          3)  Eat, man!  oH ------------------------------------------------------------------------   +                             Good Samaritanso+                             ===============-9               Submitted by Bob Morecock <EPSYNET@UHUPVM1>H   I Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, D.C.  One daytF they are walking together past the White House when they hear a voice,C which sounds like that of an elderly man, crying out, "Help, Help."iH Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence,D and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Ronald Reagan,H drowning in the White House swimming pool.  In an heroic rush, they pullG him from the pool, then give him artificial respiration, clearly savingt	 his life.a  cI    After a few minutes, Reagan says to them, "Well, boys, today you savedMF my life!  And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as, long as it is within my power as President!"  lF    The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always< wanted to go to West Point.  Can you get me an appointment?"  nH    "You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!"   G    Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis.i Can you get me in?"n  hI    "You bet I can," said the President. "I'll sign the papers for it this  afternoon, too."   F    After a few moments more, the third fellow said, "I'd like to know,6 can you get me buried in Arlington National Cemetery?"  iI    Reagan, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then said, "Sure,eH but tell me, aren't you awfully young to be thinking about such things?"  yF    "Nope," replied the remaining fellow.  "Because when I get home and9 tell my old man what I did today, he's going to kill me!"rH ------------------------------------------------------------------------   F Editor's note: This poem translates to nonsense in French, but read it1                aloud as if it were proper French.Y  r&                    Un petit D'un petit"                    Se donnait vols&                    Un Petit D'un petit                    `        ,e#                    A d'un gres volsh)                    Au de quinze hor seizer%                    Au de quinze mainso)                    que dont peut un petita%                        ^            `w-                    Tu guettes heure a Cannes.h  i! -- Ian Murphy <CBWP8008@IRUCCVAX>eH ------------------------------------------------------------------------  !-                           Technician's Corners-                           ===================s3                      by Steve King <HEINEKEN@MTUS5>l  nG Lately, much of the computer science literature has been devoted to therG topic of cache memory.  While cache memory is certainly a worthy topic,mG there is another advanced memory management technique that I feel is attC least as important to the future of computing.  I speak of CREDITTEu MEMORY.e  rF    Let's start with an example.  Imagine that you have a computer withG 512K RAM (to make numbers easy) and that you use this computer 12 hourscF every day.  What happens if you suddenly need to access more than 512KE for a certain application?  Well, if you use normal memory management H techniques you'd better start shopping for more memory!  If you use cre-F ditte memory, on the other hand, obtaining additional memory for short jobs is no problem.   tD    The principle behind creditte memory is simple:  If you need moreG memory than you have you can borrow it on the assumption that you "willfG have" the extra, eventually.  Creditte memory is measured in "kilobyte- A hours", abbreviated K-hr.  In the example above, our 512K byte PCtF actually possesses 12288 K-hrs (512K x 24 hrs) of memory each day.  InG simple operation this would be 512K and the computer could be in opera-yE tion 24 hours a day.  But in practice we're only using the machine 12hD hours each day.  That means we can utilize up to 1024K of RAM at anyI time, paying the additional 512K back during the 12 hours we're not usingm@ the computer.  1024K x 12 hrs = 12288 K-hrs, the same as before.   E    The memory taken "on creditte" need not be paid back the same day. F Imagine that we need 2M of memory (2048K) for a large spreadsheet.  IfF this is done on Friday and we take the weekend off there's no problem.I Saturday and Sunday will more than pay back the debt to Friday's computa-l tion!r  hE    Now imagine that we're going to take a 2 week vacation.  That's 16iH days (including the Saturday before we leave and the Sunday after we getG back) that the computer won't be in use.  16 x 24 x 512K = 196608 K-hrsbH of memory is available to use before we leave!  If we decided to use allH our memory in just one hour Friday night we'd have 192 megabytes to play1 with.  The perfect time to back up the hard disk!e  xF    I'm sure you can see the advantages to creditte memory.  As long asH the computer isn't in 24 hour use, it's easy to get extra memory on cre-H ditte and pay it off when the computer isn't in use.  If you want to useI creditte memory in your own IBM PC or compatible, go to your nearest com--@ puter store and ask for Entropy Enterprise's new "Creditte Card"H half-slot expansion board.  Available in 512K, 1M, and 2M versions.  AllG versions have only an 18% annual percentage rate on long term creditte. H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   '                                 Gnomerye'                                 =======y:               Submitted by Ann D. Fullam <AFULLAM@INDYMED>   F Once upon a time, in a land far away, long ago, there lived a group ofF gnomes.  These gnomes were very short, grey people with warts on theirI noses and bells on their toes.  Surprisingly, there was music playing all G the time, wherever they appeared.  Not so surprisingly, many poems weres9 written about the gnomes the most popular of which ended:r   @          "Grey gnomes of the Gnome Home, they work in the earth,>           they till and they carry to show what they're worth.>           They've warts on their noses and bells on their toes8           and they shall have music wherever they goes."  ,F True, this was not very correct grammatically, but, it served the pur- pose of the day.   E    Anyway, one of the gnomes was startled to come upon a bright greenwI rock as he dug in his field one day.  This rock was harder than any subs-rA tance he had ever seen before and he was sure it was a miraculousdG discovery of a gift from the gods.  So, he took it to the gnome council $ and asked what he should do with it.  nE    Well, the gnome council was just aghast.  They had never seen any-iE thing as wonderful as this green stone.  The council decided that thehI gnome who found the stone (whose name was Andy) would be charged with the I task of carrying the stone to the Kingdom Island and presenting it to theSD King.  It would then be up to the king to decide what to do with the beautiful green stone.  eI    So off went Andy the gnome to the Kingdom Island.  After many days and E many adventures (all too numerous to tell you about right now), GnomehA Andy presented himself and the beautiful green stone to the King.A  NG    Well, the King was even more delighted than Gnome Andy and the GnometH Council had been.  He really wanted the beautiful green stone.  Since heH was a good King he decided that he would give gnome Andy the hand of hisH lovely daughter Joan in marriage if gnome Andy would give him the stone.H Since the Princess Joan was the most beautiful girl in the entire world,I gnome Andy quickly accepted the King's proposal.  The only other require-aI ment was that Andy and Princess Joan reside on the Kingdom Island so that 6 Princess Joan would never be very far from her father.  aE    This was a difficult decision for gnome Andy.  He went back to his H home and discussed the choices with his family and friends and the gnome council.  .I    Eventually, after much soul searching, he decided to accept the King's H offer and live on the Kingdom Island with his beautiful wife Joan.  TheyI lived happily ever after and had many children and many adventures.  But,-G back at Gnome Home, whenever anyone asked where Andy was, people always 
 responded:%           "Gnome Andy is an Islander"    H                                                    (dnalsI na si naM oN)H ------------------------------------------------------------------------0 Issue021, (Volume VI, Number 1).  January, 1988.