D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 23.0                           Issue 22                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             430 lines   6-MAR-1990 19:52P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    C        @@@    @@@@             @@@          @@@@                @@@ B       @@@@    @@           @@   @@          @@                  @@I      @@ @@   @@  @@  @@ @@@@@@  @@    @    @@   @@@@  @@ @@    @@ @@  @@@ G     @@  @@  @@  @@  @@   @@     @@   @@   @@  @@  @@  @@  @@  @@@@   @@ I    @@   @@ @@  @@  @@   @@ @@   @@ @@ @@ @@  @@  @@  @@      @@ @@     @@ G   @@    @@@@   @@@@ @@  @@@     @@@   @@@@   @@@@   @@     @@@  @@  @@@ ) @@@@    @@@                    @@@    @@@    1                        Electronic Humor Magazine.    =            Issue022, (Volume VI, Number II).  February, 1988. 3                      Special Valentine's Day Issue!    8                NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by8                 Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>H ------------------------------------------------------------------------7                 "Shower the people you love with love." D                                                      -- James Taylor5                    "Shower with the people you love." A                                                      -- Anonymous H ------------------------------------------------------------------------(                                 Contents(                                 ========A               NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest 3               Lover's Quiz #1 ................ Quiz ?               First Offender ................. Very Short Story 5               Dear Dr. Diag .................. Advice :               How to Get a Date .............. More Advice?               Lover's Quiz #2 ................ Yet Another Quiz 6               Mixology ....................... HistoryH ------------------------------------------------------------------------   (                                NewsWorks(                                =========   G     Presenting the Special Valentine's Day Issue of NutWorks!  In honor E of the Lovers' Holiday, we have speckled this issue with various art- F icles about love, dating, and of course, sex.  It is our hope that theH readers of NutWorks -- open-minded, relaxed, laid-back and lovable groupD of individuals that you are -- will make at least a modest effort onC this neato holiday to join with one another in love, dating, and of E course, sex.  Oh, and remember to always eat your dates; they contain < no preservatives, there are no crumbs, and no messy wrapper!        Happy Valentine's Day,     The NutWorks StaffH ------------------------------------------------------------------------   +                             Lover's Quiz #1 +                             =============== 6                   by David Asa Wacks with Hugh Cushing5                    (Dave got paid a lot more, though)    E Hey guys & gals!  Are you HARD UP?  This simple quiz can let you know F how hard you're going to have to work to get a Valentine.  Score your-F self as follows: 1 point for each A, 2 points for each B, 3 points for! each C, and 10 points for each D.    H 1.  You are taking a guy/girl on a first date.  How much are you willing
     to spend? ,     A.  Guest meal at campus dining services     B.  $5.00 for a few slices0     C.  A nice Chinese dinner, maybe $25.00 tops*     D.  The price of your physics textbook   F 2.  Sitting on your dorm steps you spot a potential scoop.  Your first     course of action is to: 3     A.  Start up a lively, interesting conversation &     B.  Use one of your favorite lines:     C.  Propose a temporary marriage - say for the weekendG     D.  Knock him/her over the head with your physics textbook and drag ,         him/her back to your friend's single   ' 3.  Your definition of "blue balls" is: )     A.  A solid and a stripe in billiards @     B.  Those little styrofoam things on the inside of a beanbag(     C.  A painful need for a cold showerF     D.  Fig. 42, p. 189 demonstrating variable density in your physics         textbook    4.  If she says "no" she means: 
     A.  No     B.  Probably not     C.  Yes %     D.  She's gagged and can't answer    E 5.  Attendance at campus dining services per 19-meal-a-week allotment      A.  0-10
     B.  11-14 
     C.  15-19 )     D.  38 - You steal your roomie's card    * 6.  Average time spent on toilet seat/day:     A.  2 min.     B.  4 min.     C.  6 min.2     D.  Long enough to read a few pages of physics   < 7.  Amount of time spent perusing the freshman face book/day     A.  2-5 min.     B.  5-7 min.     C.  7-10 min.      D.  Fall asleep with it    ' 8.  Qualifications for your blind date:      A.  No imperfections     B.  No boy/girlfriend 0     C.  No particular desire to be seen with you     D.  No sarcoma   0 9.  Typical topic of conversation on blind date:     A.  Sunsets      B.  Bork     C.  How he/she's doing     D.  Robotics   % 10. Typical conclusion to blind date:      A.  Bought a futon together      B.  Got phone number     C.  Lost him/her in crowd #     D.  Temporary restraining order     Results:" 10-20  You're doin' OK, dude(tte). 21-40  Things could be better.1 41-60  Better watch yourself at social functions. E 61-100 Yessir, maybe a nocturnal trip to the petting zoo is in order. H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   +                              First Offender +                              ==============    H Only a short sentence, but he was no less shocked to hear it pronounced.E Never caught before, he had assumed he could get away every time.  He H flashed a helpless, appealing glance towards his anxious relatives.  But7 it was too late.  He had owned up.  He had said "I do."     -- Dostoevsky <MCB10> H ------------------------------------------------------------------------*                             Dear Dr. Diag:)                             =============    E Note: Dr. Diag will attempt to answer questions on any subject, if he E       can.  If he can't, he'll make you feel stupid for asking.  Send :       your questions to "Dr. Diag" c/o Brent@Maine.BITNET.   F In keeping with the spirit of this issue of NutWorks, I have dedicated: this month's column to advice for the lovelorn.  -- Dr. D.    > Dear Dr. Diag.D >   I need your advice regarding a rather embarassing situation.  MyG > girlfriend, a gorgeous, buxom redhead, has an insatiable appetite for D > sex.  This is normally a healthy state of affairs, but lately I'veE > been having, well, sort of a problem.  I seem to be having a little F > trouble, um, performing... if you know what I mean.  It's not that IE > don't want to!  I guess I've just been under a lot of stress lately G > with my new job, and I'm exhausted at the end of the day.  So when we G > crawl into bed, my body doesn't want to function in the expected way, , > and we usually just end up going to sleep.H >   My girlfriend was understanding at first, but I'm beginning to worryG > that she will take her awesome body and infinite desire elsewhere for G > satisfaction.  Please Dr. Diag, I'll take any advice you can give me.  > Sincerely, Flaccid   
 Dear Flaccid, E     You impotent little turd!  You don't *deserve* a girlfriend.  You G don't even deserve to be called a man!  Why don't you admit that you're  a flaming homosexual! F     Ha ha!  Just kidding!  Had you going there for a minute, didn't I?D     But seriously, sometimes the little soldier just doesn't want toH stand at attention, and there's not a lot you can do about it.  I'm sureF your problem will eventually pass, but in the meantime, here's what weD can do for your girlfriend:  I have developed a series of treatmentsB for women in just such a predicament, and I would like to offer myH services to her, free of charge.  With "Dr. Diag's HBI-25 Sexual TensionI Relief Program", she and I will meet privately for four hours, five times=H per week for five weeks.  At our rendezvous, I will, inch-by-inch, stripH her of her high levels of desire, and tenderly caress her delicate stateI of mind, until we are mutally locked in oral communication, through which-I we arrive at the headwaters of her emotional trauma.  Finally, I'll drive-G home the overall thrust of my treatment, convincing her to ride out her@H sticky situation, and will repeatedly drill her with hard questions, theI answers to which will allow her to slam down on the root of her problems,@F until our session climaxes, rendering her a quivering mass of love forE you.  I guarantee that HBI-25 will keep your girlfriend from straying G away.  I have your address; tell your girlfriend I'll see her Monday at  noon.   @ > Dear Dr. Diag,D >   I'm a nice person, but I have trouble meeting and dating members) > of the opposite sex.  What should I do?e > Sincerly, Dateless  I Dear Dateless,E     Yours is the most common question I receive this time of year.  I G have asked a respected member of the British dating community to answer.1 it.  His wisdom appears in the following article.-  - -- bcjb-H ------------------------------------------------------------------------  y,                            How to Get a Date,                            =================0                        by the Jabberwock <PM107>,                             submitted by JRP   A       How to Get the Man/Woman/Other(please state) of your Choice-A       -----------------------------------------------------------n   I     First locate your target.  Your best chance of doing this is by going.I to one of those wild parties which result in pairs of bodies being strewn.I all over the stairs within a couple of hours of starting.  However, since H I never get invited to that sort of party, I'm blowed if I can see why I8 should help those of you who do.  So I won't.  So there.G     Having located your target, the next step is to find out where saidyI target lives.  This is easily done by following her/him until you reach a-F door which they go in and lock.  This will either be their room or theG bathroom, and if you can't tell the difference then you're beyond hope.eH     Next you need to establish contact.  Knock on the target's door, andH when it is opened, say, "Excuse me, but I wanted to leave a messeage forI so-and-so upstairs, but he/she/it isn't in.  Can I borrow a pen and paper-H to leave a note please?"  Having borrowed this, make sure that you leaveB something behind when you go.  This means that you can go back and collect it sometime.  ,/     DANGER SIGNS: A wedding or engagement ring.t>                   A photo of a stunning individual by the bed.C                   The presence of a stunning individual in the bed. 8                   A very rapid ushering out of the room.:                   Phrases such as "Get lost, you pervert!"   G     GOOD SIGNS:   Him/her/it falling into your arms on your next visit. 5                   A return visit armed with red rose.    I     As you can see, there are more danger signs than good signs, so if at I first you don't succeed, don't worry...there are plenty more toads in thehI bog!  A good strategy is ending up on the doorstep looking very pathetic,eI which can get you invited in for a coffee so you can work on your chat-up E lines.  One line you should never use if you want to leave their roomwF with the same number of limbs as you went in with is "Do you come here+ often?"  It is the target's room after all.C  e HAPPY HUNTING!!!H ------------------------------------------------------------------------  u+                             Lover's Quiz #2r+                             =============== )                                by Jazzman    H A questionnaire to test your Valentine's Day eligibilty.  Section One is for women, Section Two for men.n    Section One (Women):  h  1. When on a date, I like to go:=    A) to a quiet dinner, a movie, and then straight home (+5)n:    B) to Burger King, to a drive-in, then to his place for       a few drinks (+10);    C) anywhere that no one can see or hear what we do (+15)   n, 2. When I get into the car on a date, I sit:>    A) across the seat, more or less melting into the door (-5)    B) next to my date (+10)n    C) on my date's lap (+15)  .2 3. When my date tries to put his arm around me, I::    A) firmly remove his arm and tell him that I'm not that       kind of girl (-5)o(    B) move cautiously closer to him (+5)<    C) consider this only the beginning of a long, fun-filled       evening (+15)o  o( 4. When I kiss on a Valentine's date, I:+    A) do not kiss on Valentine's dates (-5)r1    B) kiss goodnight at my door (no tongues) (+0)s1    C) consider this only the beginning of a long,-       fun-filled evening (+15)  -7 5. If asked out for a second date after Valentine's, I:t4    A) blush, ask him to call me later, and call home)       to ask permission from my mom (-10)i4    B) consider his motives and accept if I find them)       within the realm of my morals (+10)i/    C) consider his performance and accept if he (       played three or more encores (+20)    Scoring for Women:  lE -20 TO 10 POINTS: Oh please.  You couldn't get a date if you paid for F                   one.  You should consider interspecies dates as your4                   only available option for romance.  iD 15 TO 65 POINTS:  You're interested in men but are either too shy orH                   emotionally unstable.  A Valentine's date for you is aE                   horror of hand-slapping and cautious drink-sipping.-@                   Relax.  It's just an innocent date.  Trust me!   F 70 TO 105 POINTS: Yah!  Love ya!  You consider nylons and garter beltsA                   kinky but don't think twice about wearing blackuD                   leather, rubber clothing, or whipping your chainedI                   partner into submission.  There's nothing I could teachuF                   you about dating that you don't already know. Hit me&                   with your best shot!  - Section Two (Men):     1. When on a date, I like to go:A    A) to a quiet dinner, a PG movie, and have her home by 11 (-5)tI    B) out for a beer and then back to my place and pass out together (+5)h+    C) back to my place for erotic fun (+15)     2. When I pick her up, I:a-    A) remind her to fasten her seatbelt (-10) B    B) make conversation by inquiring about her class schedule (+5)9    C) remove the beer cans from under her feet and attackD8       her while telling her how much I respect her (+15)  n 3. My dates usually say:-    A) "Have you ever done this before?" (-10)b3    B) "Wake up, dammit!  I'm not through yet!" (-5)s@    C) "Let's try one more time and make it an even dozen!" (+20)  l& 4. When I kiss my Valentine's date, I:I    A) don't try to kiss my date, I don't wish to compromise her integrity :       or give her the wrong impression of my motives (-10)9    B) kiss her goodnight and tell her what a great time Id!       had (even if I didn't) (+5) 5    C) seldom stop until I've reached her ankles (+15)   n4 5. When I ask her for date following Valentine's, I:8    A) respect her desire to contemplate our relationship<       and agree to call her after she has had an opportunityC       to consider her position and make a responsible decision (-5)e:    B) wonder what I'm going to get on the next date if she"       kissed on the first one (+5)+    C) ask her during breakfast in bed (+15)v  d Scoring for Men:   F -25 TO 10 POINTS:  You're too old-fashioned for the women of the 80's.G                    Sex is a mystery to you and you bore the hell out ofeH                    your own yourself and the world a favor: commit your-@                    self to Depo-Provera treatments and become an                    accountant.H 15 TO 65 POINTS:   You enjoy women but havn't quite figured out what anyF                    woman could possibly see in you.  Good point.  It'sH                    not hopeless, however, with a little work and effort,B                    you too could soon be on your way to successful                    dating.F 65 TO 100 POINTS:  You're a man of the world who is well versed in theI                    art of give and take.  You know what a woman wants andsH                    you're not afraid to give it to her.  You lead a hardD                    and arduous life trying to satisfy the many womenG                    around you.  You'll make an excellent Valentine dater(                    for any mature woman.H ------------------------------------------------------------------------   (                                 Mixology(                                 ========G  (or, How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Art of Plastering)o  gE     Mixology is, to most people, the art of drink-making and serving.eF While these people could not be more correct, the art of mixology goesI much deeper than this.  To be frank, mixology could be called the "art ofe plastering".F     The art of plastering (mixology) had its primitive beginnings backH in ancient Viking times when one person (analogous to today's bartender)F was held responsible for making sure that the troops would have enoughG to drink after each battle, thereby ensuring that the next battle would-F not occur for at least a few days.  After all, the guys needed time toE gather their strength (and often their intestines as well).  This was E indeed a great responsibility, as the failure to complete the task of G plastering the band could quite possibly lead to horrendous punishment,t such as being forced to bathe.G     Later, medieval lords and barons would have their hand at mixology,aA and would excel at this art form known as "plastering" (not to beeC confused with "spackling").  Although they found this pastime quite @ enjoyable, they too grew tired quickly of being forced to bathe.C     Mixology arrived as a modern art form in the Rennaisance (i.e.,cH post-1980), when the idea of getting plastered also fostered the idea ofA increaseing one chances with the opposite sex.  In fact, the termiD "mixology" comes from the Greek "mixos", which roughly translates toC "getting plastered and dancing your butt off to try and impress therG chicks".  To a certain degree, many fine Greek institutions still carryyG on this time-honored tradition.  A quick inspection of any campus Greeks6 installation will prove this point graphically (ahem).A     However, this fine art of plastering has not been without its'F setbacks.  Back in 1985, His Grand High Exalted Kissass Ruler WannabeeG Mario Cuomo raised the official imbibing age in New York to 21 from 19.iH This had a serious effect on the population, as the number of minors whoE could legally purchase beer was cut by a whopping .001 percent due ton heavily enforced regulation.G     Mixology is an open sport to all who wish to participate. It is not D restricted by race, creed, color, or stupidity. Mixology is the trueI "sport of jesters".  Indeed, it may be a refreshing idea to just sit downf1 and try it one day when you're bored and foolish. I     Undeniably, this hearty sport is not for all, though I do urge peoplerF to give it a chance.  In all truth, perhaps the best way to experienceF this beloved rite is just to give it a go.  Go on, just get plastered. Betcha can't do it just once!tH ------------------------------------------------------------------------+                              Abou Ben Adheme+                              ==============e0                        by James Henry Leigh Hunt,                             submitted by JRP  e4             Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)7             Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,-6             And saw, within the moonlight in his room,5             Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, /             An angel writing in a book of gold.s4             Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,4             And to the presence in the room he said,=             "What writest thou?"  The vision raised its head, 5             And with a look made of all sweet accord,n=             Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord." 7             "And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"e4             Replied the angel.  Abou spoke more low,;             But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,e7             Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."    :             The angel wrote, and vanished.  The next night6             It came again with a great wakening light,>             And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,7             And lo!  Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.b  nH ------------------------------------------------------------------------2 Issue022, (Volume VI, Number II).  February, 1988.