D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 25.0                           Issue 24                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             500 lines   6-MAR-1990 19:59P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------I ------------------------------------------------------------------------- G Warning: This issue of NutWorks contains material which may offend some           readers. I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    C        @@@    @@@@             @@@          @@@@                @@@ B       @@@@    @@           @@   @@          @@                  @@I      @@ @@   @@  @@  @@ @@@@@@  @@    @    @@   @@@@  @@ @@    @@ @@  @@@ G     @@  @@  @@  @@  @@   @@     @@   @@   @@  @@  @@  @@  @@  @@@@   @@ I    @@   @@ @@  @@  @@   @@ @@   @@ @@ @@ @@  @@  @@  @@      @@ @@     @@ G   @@    @@@@   @@@@ @@  @@@     @@@   @@@@   @@@@   @@     @@@  @@  @@@ ) @@@@    @@@                    @@@    @@@    1                        Electronic Humor Magazine.    ;              Issue024, (Volume VI, Number IV).  July, 1988.    8                NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by8                 Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    ,                        Mary had an aeroplane4                        Around the world she'd whisk..                        Wasn't she a silly girl%                        Her little * ?    I ------------------------------------------------------------------------- (                                 Contents(                                 ========A               NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest 9               The Shit List .................. Dictionary                The Return of the 4                 Two-dollar Hangover .......... Story;               Great Exam Lies ................ Observations 4               Rules for Writers .............. Essay3               Ouch, Mosquito ................. Poem 4               The View from Up Here .......... Essay4               The Orbs of Oppenheimre ........ Story               God: The Ultimate :                 Autobiography ................ Book Review3               The Committee .................. Poem    I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    (                                NewsWorks(                                =========   I     Agent 3 stood motionless in the dark cellar, hidden from the stairway A by one of the many partially dismembered corpses hanging from the C ceiling.  Suddenly, the door slowly creaked open, and Agent 3's gut F tightened as he heard the descending footfalls.  He'd been waiting forG this moment for the past eight months, but now, all was lost.  It would H be only a matter of seconds before the man he was supposed to kill wouldF find him hiding here, helpless.  Agent 3 had broken into this forsakenI place only an hour ago, and it was only after any chance of leaving again G was lost that he had realized to his horror that he had lost his bullet I clip somewhere outside.  His only chance now was to bluff.  He reaffirmed ( his grip on his empty .357, and counted.G     Four more steps before the evil Dr. Flambe reached the bottom, when C Agent 3 would whirl around, squeeze his trigger, and end the deadly G criminal's miserable life.  At least, that would have been the plan had C he not lost his shells.  Now, all he could hope to do is bluff long F enough to get out.  He had a plan, and it just might work.  Three moreE steps.  Agent 3's heart beat madly.  Two more.  Sweat began trickling I steadily down his face.  One more step... There!  Agent 3 whirled around, C took aim, and shouted "Freeze, Flambe!" through his clenched teeth. G     A devilish grin came over Dr. Flambe's face and he began to chuckle E wickedly as he reached into his pocket and withdrew... Agent 3's lost 4 clip!  Agent 3's heart sank with dread.  Suddenly...   B     WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST TO BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL4 ANNOUNCEMENT.  AND NOW, DAN RATHERNOT IN WASHINGTON:   E Dan: Hello, I'm Dan Rathernot.  We here at the NutWorks NewsDesk have H   just received word that, starting in August, NutWorks magazine will beH   published no less than twice each month.  Our vast hoards of marketingD   researchers have determined that you, our readers, would prefer toI   receive NutWorks magazine more often, given a slight cut in the size of 
   each issue. F      We take you know, live, to correspondent Boopsie McBigones at theE   press conference being given at NutWorks headquarters.  Boopsie...?    G Boopsie: Thanks, Dan.  The editor of NutWorks is approching the podium.    Let's listen in.   @ Editor: Ladies and gentlemen of the press, NutWorks is just thisE   magazine, you know?  And... Boopsie?  Is that you back there?  Hey! E   Why don't you get your cute little... um.. or rather, perhaps you'd 7   like to come to my office for an exclusive interview?     Boopsie: On my way!    G Editor: Great.  Well, that's about it.  Thank you all for coming.  Bye.    ; Dan: Well, there you have it folks.  This is Dan Rathernot.    D     WE RETURN YOU NOW TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM, ALREADY IN	 PROGRESS.    E     "Wow, that was a close one, Agent 3." said Commander Hunt as they I watched the ambulence doors close on Dr. Flambe's dead body.  "You barely  made it out of there!"E     "All in a day's work, Commander." said Agent 3, and he walked off  silently into the night.I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    +                               The Shit List +                               ============= ,                             (Author unknown)2                       Submitted by <Martin@WSUVM1>   I GHOST SHIT -- That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit E               on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet.    G CLEAN SHIT -- The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but 3               there is nothing on the toilet paper.    I WET SHIT -- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels F             unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between yourG             butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a brown              stain.   H SECOND WAVE SHIT -- It happens when you're done shitting.  You've pulledE                     your pants up to your knees, and then you realize 4                     that you have to shit some more.   + BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT, or H POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT -- The kind where you strain so much toH                                     get it out that you practically have-                                     a stroke.    H RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT -- The kind of shit where you shit so much you lose"                         30 pounds.    CORN SHIT -- Self explanatory.   G LINCOLN LOG SHIT -- The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid I                     to flush the toilet without breaking it up into a few                      pieces.    F DRINKER'S SHIT -- That's the kind of shit you have the morning after aG                   long night of drinking.  Its most noticeable trait is C                   the tread marks left in the bottom of the toilet.    H "GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT" shit -- It's the kind where you want to shit,F                                    but all you do is sit on the toilet@                                    cramped and fart a few times.     BLOODY SHIT -- Self explanatory.   I SPINAL TAP SHIT -- That's the kind that hurts so much coming out that you 3                    swear it's leaving you sideways.     WET CHEEKS SHIT, or E POWER DUMP -- That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that B               your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.   H LIQUID SHIT -- The kind where a yellowish-brown fluid shoots out of yourF                butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl,<                the whole time chronically burning your anus.  =* MEXICAN FOOD SHIT -- a class all it's own.I -------------------------------------------------------------------------r  i7                   The Return of the Two-dollar Hangover07                   =====================================-3                       (Or, How To Implode Yourself)-&                                   by Q  -F Oswald the Rolling Donut smiled in joy as he put down the story. "That4 Karl sure was lucky!", he beamed, and then imploded.  -G    The watermelon thought; then it thought again.  Again it thought.  I I think it thought again, thought I, and the melon thought so too.  It won- E dered how the donut had imploded; it tried to implode, but could only@I make an "eep" sound, no matter how hard it tried.  "Eep", went the melon;@H "eep" it went again.  Eventually, the watermelon got very very bored and turned on the TV.   @H    Very far away from the TV, on a great big farm, there lived a RussianH boy.  He liked to play with his friends; he liked to eat dessert, and heG didn't like school.  All in all, he was a very average boy - so average F that he grew into an average man.  One day, when he was 83, he died ofH old age.  The doctors said it was all totally natural.  No one suspected	 anything.   eI    Also far from the TV lived an evil clown.  His name was Blotto, and it-F was his wont to do evil, clownish things.  Oh, was that little RussianF boy lucky that he never ran into Blotto!  Blotto ran a terrible, nastyG circus, where people didn't wear clothes and Pop Tarts weren't allowed.-G It was a bad place.  People there ate chared glass and wrote "Bleah" on D their foreheads with big purple markers.  No, sir... the Russian boy wouldn't have liked that.e  oE    Oswald stood up.  He hadn't really imploded, technically... he hadLH swallowed and hiccuped at the same time, and we all know how THAT feels.F Dragging the corpse out of the way, he grated some cheese for the tacoC dinner.  Oswald loved mexican food.  His friend should be there anyr minute!.  .G    A knock sounded at the front door. Turning off the garbage disposal, F Oswald rolled giddishly to the door.  Opening it, he saw his friend...G Charles Nelson Reilly! "Hi Chuckster!", he hollered.  Charles looked at / him and threw up enchiladas.  Then he imploded.    F    "Eep!", went the melon.  Damn!  This was so frustrating.  He kicked  the TV; the TV told him "Bleah."  -G    The janitor bit deep into her hand.  "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!", screamed G our heroine as she hit the custodian in the head with her toaster-oven.kH With a wild cry, she dove off the landing and fell 19 flights of stairs.I It was no problem, however... she had luckily worn her no-run mascara, sop disaster was averted.   hE    Ulysses S. Grant sat down, not noticing the watermelon on the seatsI that he had mushed.  He looked at the TV; the TV looked back.  "Hey!", itl$ cryed, "You're supposed to be dead!"  aH    "Oh! Sorry," said the deceased president; "I get confused sometimes,"' he confessed as he crumbled into ashes.r  oD    Oswald the donut wondered if crumbling into ashes was harder than5 imploding.  Not being able to decide, he ate himself.   l    He was a jelly.I -------------------------------------------------------------------------   7,                              Great Exam Lies,                              ===============9                by Dr. Strangeloop and The Eater of Babiesd  lF (1) "All the data you need will be printed on the front of the paper."4 (2) "You only need to answer two questions to pass."8 (3) "It's not a test of memory, it's a test of ability."H (4) "There's plenty of time to read through the paper before you start."B (5) (from the lecture course) "I probably won't test you on this."I -------------------------------------------------------------------------a  !7                   Rules for Writers (by William Safire)o+                               combined with 6                    Newsman's English (by Harold Evans)7                   ===================================== A         submitted by Johnathan R. Partington <JRP1@UK.AC.CAM.PHX>F  OI Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never be:C used.  Do not put statements in the negative form, and don't use no E double negatives.  Verbs has to agree with their subjects.  Proofread H carefully to see if you any words out.  If you reread your work, you canH find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereadingD and editing.  A writer must not shift your point of view.  And don'tH start a sentence with a conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is aI terrible word to end a sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!oF Use apostrophe's correctly, and don't use commas, which, aren't neces-I sary.  Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences,hI as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.  About those sentence frag-tH ments.  Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.  If anyG word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.  Take thetI bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions thatiG sound flaky.  Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun withlH singular nouns in their writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  TheF adverb always follows the verb.  Corect speling is esential.  Last but/ not least, avoid trite cliches like the plague.cI -------------------------------------------------------------------------e   +                              Ouch, Mosquitom+                              ==============e,                             by Mitchell Peck9                 Submitted by Hugh Cushing <UI.HUGH@CU20B>    5                       Ouch mosquito, silent by night, 3                       Why pierce my skin, so white? 1                       You grow plump, as a leech. 1                       Stop!  I beseech (in vein).n  h'                       I have no choice. )                       Why waste my voice,e/                       When only a slap will do?h(                       Ouch, I am bitten!/                       What ho, you are smitten! ,                       Yo mosquito, fuck you.I -------------------------------------------------------------------------s  o/                           The View from Up Here /                           ===================== 6                    by Richard Outerbridge <RAMO@DALAC>  TI I'm Canadian so I'm required to be bland.  I'm also not in a particularly H good mood, so I have no intention of being funny.  That was not an apol-* ogy.  If you don't like it, don't read it.  OH I want some answers from you who are Americans.  Whoever is in charge ofF answers had better get to it, or I'll get unpleasant.  If you've never+ seen an unpleasant Canadian, DON'T RISK IT!    ) I know what a Bush is. This, for example:H   $                     AM  AM   AM   AM(                     \AM/AM-AM/\AM/\AM-AM$                      /AM\AM AM\AM/AM$                      AM-AM/AM\AM/\AM#                     AM-\/\/\/\AM-AMe                          /\/                          |||                          |||                          |||                         -----h                         =====t  m is an amBush.  This:                        =======                        | Bud |                        =======  k is an AnheiserBush.  This:  l                        Bu**sh**I  sH is an expletive-free Bush.  I even know what a "Jacks on" is.  But what,F pray tell, is a Dukakis?  You'd better tell me because I've decided itF will become your President.  In fact, there doesn't seem much point inF going on with this election nonsense.  I'll save you all a lot of fussG and bother, and announce the appointment next week sometime.  I realize H that this will interfere with your collective efforts to bother the restG of the world, but I'm rather fed up with the lack of originality you'vee been exhibiting.  SF My next question is more mundane.  Why do you keep sending us productsD with shoddy and incomplete ingredients lists?  In the future, pleaseD either: a) List ALL ingredients NOT included in the formation of theH item, or b) List ALL ingredients which you failed to disinclude.  A mix-5 ture of both of these philosophies is not acceptable.    G It also essential that you detail the thought processes (if any) occur-=H ring in any of the employee's of the manufacturer involved in the forma-E tion and distribution of all products.  We are all tired of trying totH deduce whether or not to avoid using certain batches because there was aH real danger that those involved in bringing them to us were not engagingA in meaningful thought about South Africa as they went about theira	 business.n  oG One kind thought for you:  Don't worry about whether or not to legalizel+ drugs.  We don't care one way or the other.   t Regards, Neo-Socrates  "H P.S. If you have time please explain baseball.  Unless a very convincingH      justification for this is received, statements in the passive voiceH      will cease, and ice hockey will replace all slower, less demanding,I      less suspenseful competitive pursuits (except those entailing mating,;      behavior.  American mating behavior is still amusing).n  eI P.P.S. If everyone really likes the taste of Burger King (King Burger, asiG      my very adorable wife calls it) better than McDonalds (my favorite H      Scottish restaurant), why do so many people engage in ecosystem ex-I      changes (receiving and donating) at the latter venues?  (Hypothesis:tI      the virus is detectable through its side effects - the demise of thepI      Southern Barbarians is not the work of an omniscient or unsportsman-       like being).h  d P.P.P.S. Re-read this often.I -------------------------------------------------------------------------n  h0                          The Orbs of Oppenheimre0                          =======================;               by Geoffrey "ZAPHOD" Heller <96994999@WSUVM1>e  .G Ronalled had been climbing for days now, yet the peak of Mt. Saltan was F not even in sight.  His food was getting low, he was thoroughly tired,F and the insects had not ceased to bite at his every limb since he leftI Amacrion.  He fondled the small orb in his purse.  Little did anyone knowfG he carried such a powerful weapon, he thought.  Climbing still, he con-oI sidered his meeting with Gorbacon of Sobied.  He couldn't stand Gorbacon,wD but his desire for a peaceful relationship with the Sobieds was moreI pressing than his dislikes.  This was finally a plan for a greater peace.aI The destruction of the Orbs of Oppenheimre.  He paused momentarily at thew4 thought of the great Orb and profoundly said, "Gee".   E    Years ago, when war was still raging between the Amacrions and thehC Sobieds, the Lord Ronalled had requested the creation of a superiorhF weapon.  The great Mage, Oppenheimre, replied with the creation of twoI orbs.  They were so named the Orbs of Oppenheimre.  When thrown, the OrbslH could destroy the land for miles around.  They also had be used simulta-F neously.  Because if one were used, the other would explode too.  (ForF the same reason that people always seem to find a mutant corn flake inG their cereal on thursdays.)  Strangely, no one ever considered the factlH that nobody could throw over a mile.  If was foretold by Seers that uponI the coming of the great harmonic divergence they would both spontaneously I explode.  (For the same reason that you can't ever find those mutant cornoE flakes after you put the milk in.)  The harmonic divergence now creptt  closer with every waking moment.  YC    Ronalled considered the history of the Orbs while he walked.  HeoI gnashed his teeth knowing that Gorbacon only had the other Orb because heoI had stolen it.  Overlooking the wrongdoings of Gorbacon, Ronalled focused H on his goal:  To get plastered at the beer garden on Mt. Saltan.  At theF summit of Mt. Saltan the two Lords were to meet and cast the Orbs into@ the endless pit if INFandor.  Then the party would really begin.   I    As Ronalled walked on, he noticed something strange.  An odd whistling=H accompanied by a noise that sounded like, "uber dere".  Faintly he heardF the bushes rustle behind him.  He whirled around only to be smashed onE the back of the head from behind.  The Orb was thrown from his purse.eE Ronalled lay now unconscious.  His face was warped into a bizarre andiE unnatural fashion.  He had a half frown with terrible hound dog eyes. F For one fleeting moment he looked like a grotesque cross between Ollie North and Benji.   H    Immediately out of the forest came Kadalferi and his band of thieves.E Well, not thieves.  Worse.  Golfers.  One of Kadalferi's subordinatessG came to him with the rather dull looking orb.  Kadalferi briefly lookedtE at it and said, "Ah ha!  My golf Ball!  I knew it was uber dere some-aI where!  ...  Fore!"  With that he proceeded to make the greatest swing ofg his golfing career...o  oI    Gorbacon looked up and saw the flash.  He wanted to say something pro-nG found about Ronalled upon his death.  He and Ronalled had been to a lotpG of really wild parties together.  Like the time they were both drunk onaI the floor singing Toccata & Fugue in D minor to the beat of "Velcro Fly." G But all he managed to work out was, "Golly" by the time he was blown tos
 McNuggets.  nH    With the leaders gone the two kingdoms began a war of hideous accusa-E tions.  "You killed our lord!", "Did not!", "Did too!"  and so forth.sH Soon these appalling accusations led into a terrible war which raged forH decades.  It all finally ended when the great philosopher ZAPHOD discov-G ered the one phrase which truly was analogous to life:  "I want to lovey+ life, but life only wants meaningless sex."H   C    The moral of the story is that there are no morals.  If truth islC stranger than fiction then a half-truth perforated with fiction and ; sprinkled with periodic madness is the oddest thing around. I -------------------------------------------------------------------------n  h4                      God: The Ultimate Autobiography4                      ===============================7                  (Holy Ghost-written by Jeremy Pascall) A         submitted by Johnathan R. Partington <JRP1@UK.AC.CAM.PHX>   .
 Featuring:  -H * THE TRUTH ABOUT ADAM AND EVE, and why they were fired from the world's   first theme park. E * SODOM AND GOMORRAH: THE CITIES OF SIN, including street plans, good H   food guides and listings of the best clubs, discos, and bars.  And why:   compulsory demolition orders were placed on all of them.I * BEGETTING: THE DO'S AND DON'T'S, including why you shouldn't covet yourg   neighbor's ass.k  t And exclusively revealing:  m * The Eleventh Commandment!eG * That pigs were *meant* to fly, and rhinos were designed to live undere	   stones!t@ * That the sky should have been called "Waxtl" but Adam couldn't   pronounce it!   h0 Plus a word for any atheists among you: "Wrong!"   3 Ebury Press - ISBN 0 85223 657 3 - Hardback - $5.95MI -------------------------------------------------------------------------M   +                               The Committee +                               =============|,                             by Leslie Lipson;              submitted by Michael J. Irvin <IRVINMJ@WSUVM1>    +                       Oh give me your pity! )                       I'm on a committee, =                       Which means that from morning to night,s  u)                       We attend and amends,                       And contend and defend4                       Without a conclusion in sight.  a+                       We confer and concur,e)                       We defer and demur, 8                       And reiterate all of our thoughts.   *                       We revise the agenda+                       With frequent addenda 5                       And consider a load of reports.t  o-                       We compose and propose,e,                       We suppose and oppose,:                       And the points of procedure are fun;   0                       But though various notions0                       Are brought up as motions,8                       There's terribly little gets done.  l-                       We resolve and absolve;A,                       But we never dissolve,;                       Since it's out of the question for use,                       To bring our committee-                       To end like this ditty, 6                       Which stops with a period, thus.  -I -------------------------------------------------------------------------e. Issue024, (Volume VI, Number IV).  July, 1988.