D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 26.0                           Issue 25                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             545 lines   6-MAR-1990 20:01P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    C        @@@    @@@@             @@@          @@@@                @@@ B       @@@@    @@           @@   @@          @@                  @@I      @@ @@   @@  @@  @@ @@@@@@  @@    @    @@   @@@@  @@ @@    @@ @@  @@@ G     @@  @@  @@  @@  @@   @@     @@   @@   @@  @@  @@  @@  @@  @@@@   @@ I    @@   @@ @@  @@  @@   @@ @@   @@ @@ @@ @@  @@  @@  @@      @@ @@     @@ G   @@    @@@@   @@@@ @@  @@@     @@@   @@@@   @@@@   @@     @@@  @@  @@@ ) @@@@    @@@                    @@@    @@@    1                        Electronic Humor Magazine.    <            Issue025, (Volume VII, Number I).  January, 1989.   8                 NutWorks is published (far too often) by8                 Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.bitnet>I ------------------------------------------------------------------------- :               "We're gonna rock, stomp, get psyched up..."*                              -- Mick Jones   4                      "Plant some trees, man!  Fast!"%                                 -- Us I ------------------------------------------------------------------------- (                                 Contents(                                 ========A               NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest 9               Nuts & Bolts ................... Commentary 3               The Newlyweds .................. Joke                Jeeves and the4                  Slippery Paradox ............ Story>               Personality Building ........... Self-Help Guide4               The Lutheran Party ............. Essay;               Kritik's Korner ................ Movie Review                Outfoxing the 3                  Spelling Checker ............ Memo 5               Sneak Preview .................. Advert 3               Columbus ....................... Poem    I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    (                                NewsWorks(                                =========        Uh, hi.    H     Back in the heady, optimistic days of this past summer, the NutWorksE editorial staff made vague suggestions about converting their monthly G periodical into a bi-weekly.  Although an official announcement to this H effect was never made -- the astute reader will recall that the NutWorksI editor departed last summer's news conference with a female correspondent F shortly before he was to make that announcement -- a great furor aroseD on the rumors nonetheless.  Our mail room was flooded with cards andI letters of gratitude, the New York Stock Exchange rallied to a post-crash C high, really hip parties were thrown in our honor, and the academic D community become so electrified that one expert said "NutWorks going@ bi-weekly would, by all accounts, be the best thing to happen to computers since Slotted Aloha."    E     Unfortunately, shortly before the first bi-weekly issue was to be E released upon the world, a small wormhole in the space-time continuum I opened up and sucked the entire NutWorks staff into an alternate universe F where "Unix" is a type of lawn furniture, duct tape is served up as anC appetizer at most restaurants, and the popular euphemism for sex is C "polishing the brass".  We would have rushed right back through the H wormhole in order to get this issue of NutWorks out on schedule, but theI multi-breasted inhabitants of the altiverse were so hospitable that we...    ; >>> OH SHUT UP, YOU LAZY BASTARDS, AND JUST GET ON WITH IT!    
     Sorry.   I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    *                               Nuts & Bolts+                              ============== .                          by Brent C.J. Britton   H     There seems to exist in this country an ever-changing set of grosslyD overused words and phrases perpetuated chiefly by the broadcast newsB media, Madison Avenue advertisers, and others who believe that theD average American's intelligence quotient falls somewhere in the same  neighborhood as the tree slug's.   I     I'm talking about those expressions with which it has, at least for a C while, become fashionable to describe some fragment of the cultural G milieu; words and phrases that get a lot of airplay... sort of like the  vocabulary top forty.    E     Take, for a start, the once perfectly delightful phrase coined by ? scientists to describe a now well-known atmospheric phenomenon: H "greenhouse effect".  "Greenhouse effect" serves as a perfect example ofG how journalists will seize upon a catchy, quaint, concisely descriptive G term (on the rare occasions that the scientific community provides them I with one) and then employ it so frequently that it loses any semblance of < charm and ceases to be an enriching addition to the lexicon.   G     Similar examples are "new age" and "postmodern" which are basically C used to describe just about everything.  You can't swing a dead cat 0 these days without hitting something postmodern.   A     Or how about the popular term for the recent proliferation of G corporate acquisitions: "merger-mania".  I guess the people who make up F these words feel that we simple folk can better relate to a concept ifE it sounds like it has something to do with a state lottery.  In fact, 9 I'm surprised they don't let Robyn Leach anchor the news:    A     "...and so on Wall Street today it was merger-mania for these @      fast-flying financiers.  Have *you* launched *your* hostile?      takeover yet?  XYZ company turned down management's tender ?      offer, so this week's jackpot is *overFLOWing* with highly       leveraged megamillyuns!"    F     That, by the way, was a "sound bite", which is something developedI by the people who brought you president-elect George Bush.  One of George G Bush's most famous sound bites is "read my lips" (whoooee, can that guy H think 'em up... I don't know where he gets 'em), and another is "a thou-I sand points of light" which I bet is what you see on the wall next to him + if you shine a flashlight at George's head.     bcjbI -------------------------------------------------------------------------    +                               The Newlyweds +                               ============= =            Submitted by someone to whom we are most grateful, 1                         but whose name we forgot.    I       The newlyweds retired for the night.  About an hour later the bride I said, "How about it dear?"  But he made no answer.  More time elapsed and H the bride asked again, "How about it dear?" and still received no reply.G The night had passed and dawn was already breaking when the bride tried 8 again, this time pleading, "Please, dear, how about it?"   5       "How about what?" he replied with exasperation.    '       "How about going to sleep, dear?" I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    4                      Jeeves and the Slippery Paradox4                      ===============================1                        by Johnathan R. Partington    H    A recently discovered manuscript containing an unpublished P.G. Wode-I house story has led some scholars to the theory that the "Bertie Wooster" F stories were in fact based on the career of Bertrand Russell, and thatH the Drones club was none other than Trinity College, Cambridge.  Here is4 the story so that readers can decide for themselves.   I    "Professor Whitehead to see you, sir," said Jeeves, as he shimmered in  with my morning coffee.    G    Pieface Whitehead is one of my oldest friends and we had been out on E the town together only the previous night, celebrating the Boat-race. E Indeed two pals of ours, Stinker Hardy and Bingo Littlewood, had been G caught throwing a porter's bowler hat into the fountain and it was only=G thanks to Jeeves' persuading the Senior Tutor that they were washing it 5 for a friend that the Dean had let them off the hook.p  s'    "What-ho, Pieface!" I said brightly.    E    "What-ho, Bertie!" my friend replied.  "Dashed off any more of the- jolly old Principia lately?"  -D    At this time Pieface and I were collaborating on a little ventureH which we had given the snappy title of "Principia Mathematica" not real-I ising that it had been used before.  My aunt Dahlia (the nice one, not to H be confused with Aunt Agatha who is the one who eats broken bottles) hadE said that she had long known that her nephew Bertrand Rooster had the F mind of a shrimp, but that hitherto they had managed to keep it in the family.@   E    "No, I'm still having a spot of bother with the jolly old plot," I@I confessed.  "I'm trying to sort out the proof that 2 plus 2 is 4, but the ) bally sum doesn't seem to be coming out."   II    "Well stick at it, old man," said Pieface.  "By the way, ever heard ofrH an old boy named Frege?  He's sent me this book about set theory.  Can't, make out what the old buzzard's getting at."  -G    "Foreign johnny, isn't he?" I replied.  "One of Jumbo Hilbert's cro-rD nies?  Man with a strange glint in his eye?  Met him once or twice."  sH    At that moment Jeeves shimmered in with a telegram and stood respect- fully waiting while I read it.  -C    "What do you make of this, Jeeves?" I asked.  "NEED YOUR ADVICE, H ROOSTER. AM HAVING TROUBLE GETTING A SHAVE. THE LOCAL BARBER ONLY SHAVES2 THOSE WHO DON'T SHAVE THEMSELVES. GOTTLIEB FREGE."  iG    "I fancy that Professor Frege is in a logical dilemma, sir." repliedrE Jeeves after some thought.  "It might help if he were to go to a lady E barber, on logical if not sartorial grounds.  Naturally one would not ? expect him to grow a beard.  As the poet Wordsworth puts it..."    G    "This is no time for the poet Wordsworth, Jeeves." I snapped.  "Mat-e! ters of philosophy are at stake."    8    "Very good, sir.  If I may make a suggestion, sir..."  .H     "Oh, fire away, Jeeves.  Now is the time for all good men to come to5 the aid of the party, if that's how the saying goes."   -H    "Well, sir, it occurred to me that Professor Frege's logical dilemmasI merely constituted a new form of the Epiminedes paradox.  Possibly if you=D were to devise a theory of "types" for him, then he would be able to" prove the existence of his shave."  t5    "Er, really, Jeeves?" I asked, somewhat impressed.i  oH    "Yes, sir.  Indeed it might well lead you to a new proof that 2 and 2* make 4, if I may venture the observation."  d    The rest is history...W  sI -------------------------------------------------------------------------   hG PROGRAM -- 1. (noun) A magic spell cast over a computer to enable it totE turn your input into error messages.   2. (v.t.) A pastime similar torI banging your head against a wall but with fewer opportunities for reward.   lI -------------------------------------------------------------------------e   D      The >>>> (TM) Chris Boyd (C) <<<< Guide to Personality BuildingD      ===============================================================  hA (I)   Get a userid on a computer sufficiently far away to preventu       reprisals.( (II)  Suss out the local bulletin board.H (III) Locate those users whose contributions are notably daft and insultF       them.  Pointing out spelling mistakes and rank contradictions inD       their items is a favoured technique, and is usually as easy as        shooting fish in a barrel. (IV)  Invent a spurious logic.H (V)   Pay particular attention to any debate where a dangerous consensusI       is emerging and either (i) destroy it by introducing a devastating- G       ly controversial red herring or (ii) argue the contrary view withD       passion and conviction. H (VI)  Blatantly plagiarize pieces by funnier people, and pretend to have       reinvented them.9 (VII) Never, but never never EVER apologize for anything.  (8)   Never be consistent.$ (9)   Don't let on what sex you are.A (10)  Occasionally remind other users of your impending birthday. A (11)  Periodically upset any user who thought you were an ally byhC       entering into a completely unprovoked personal attack, payingeC       particular attention to their lack of sexual prowess (or evene       development).bB (12)  Invent and publicize a whole set of neologisms and acronyms.) (13)  NEVER go on about bloody computers.l  bI -------------------------------------------------------------------------    -                            The Lutheran Partyk-                            ==================o,                              By Eric Iverson  oH    Two weeks ago I was idly browsing the personals, when I saw an ad forF a Lutheran Party.  Now I don't normally respond to these things, but IG couldn't help noticing that I not only happened to be Lutheran, but wasvH also a great lover of parties.  It seemed like the perfect match, and so I wrote the following letter:t       Dear People,t  sF    I was heartened and a bit surprised to see your ad for the LutheranF Party, as I was not aware that such a party existed.  I am currently aH Democrat, but after this latest election I guess I'm willing to try justE about anything.  To show my devotion to your cause I have drafted the 
 following:  e:                A POLITICAL PLATFORM FOR THE LUTHERAN PARTY  sH    In many ways a political platform for the Lutheran Party goes againstI our grain.  What with our motto "Anything worth changing is probably justaH as worth keeping the same" and all, a piece of paper with a bunch of bigG ideas on it just isn't the way we do things.  In fact, under a LutheranoG Administration, about the only thing that might change is that we mightoH get to that fence out back that needs a coat or two of paint (that is ifI we can decide on a color).  Nevertheless, here are a few things we as theh- Lutheran Party could maybe think about doing.   h PAN-SCANDINAVIANISM   uF    Under a Lutheran Administration, all US residents would be declaredE legally Scandinavian (or at least slightly Germanic on their mother'stH side).  To signify this, residents would in addition take on a new Scan-B dinavian name.  In cases where the resident refuses to do this, anG auxiliary pseudo-Scandinavianization will take place.  This is a simplehH process wherein one or more "j's" will be inserted in unlikely locationsG in the person's first name, while a "son" or "stad" will be appended tohH the persons last name.  For example, the following are good Scandinavian names:  o Kjerstin Rustada Hjalmar Andbjornson  Gjertrude Aslakson  u< while below we see the fruits of pseudo-Scandinavianization:   % BEFORE                          AFTER 5 Miguel Hernandez                Mjigjuel Hernandezsone1 Gina Cabrini                    Gjina Cabrinistadu. Malcolm X                       Mjalcolm Xstad* Prince                          Pjrinceson  eI Mind you this process can be dangerous in the hands of improperly trained" personnel, so watch out:   G John Jones                      Jjjkjgjhjjjjohjjkjjn Hjkjonestadsonstad?? ABBA                            AAAABBABBABBBBAABABBABABBABBAAA-, Paul Hanson                     Isadora Lutz    BIG GOVERNMENT  xB    Unlike its alphabetical predecessor, the Libertarian Party, theI Lutheran Party does not favor a radical reduction in the size of the Fed-rI eral Government.  (Well I suppose you could reduce the size a little, but F only if it's not too much trouble.)  Instead, the Lutheran Party advo-A cates increasing the size of the Federally Governed.  This can beoH accomplished through a national diet filled with white sauce, granulatedF sugar, butter and of course hot dish.  After all "yew can't have a big8 strong government if yew aren't big and strong yerself."    CURRENCY REGULATIONS  iH    In order to pay back the federal deficit, new sources of funding mustG be found.  One way is to restructure the US currency system in a manner,B more in keeping with the traditional pioneer values that made thisF country great.  In this spirit, the Lutheran Party recommends that theH new value of the US dollar be based on that of sod.  This would not onlyD immortalize the numerous sod homes that once dotted the Prairie, butF would also act as an incentive for people to keep their lawns properlyF cared for so as to protect their investment.  We also propose that newD coins bearing the likenesses of long dead Danish and Norwegian KingsG actually be made of sod; as the sod's natural mottled green color woulde= most likely better represent these Kings' natural appearance.u    THE ENVIRONMENTw  iI    One of the Lutheran Party's prime environmental goals is to inform theeG country that Lutefisk is actually not a toxic waste, and can in fact behG eaten.  In order to do this, we propose creating a new character: LeRoyaF the Lutefisk who will resemble a talking cod soaked in lye (actually aI cartoon cod soaked in cartoon lye) and will say things like "Give a hoot, H eat yer Lute" or "Der's no risk in Lutefisk".  If this doesn't work, ourH new president will begin making speeches at Rotary Club gatherings aboutE how Lutefisk tastes even better than sod. (See Currency Regulations.)-    DEFENSE   nI    "I tot I tode yew I'd paint de fense in da spring!  Can't yew see it's  still vinter?"  s In common word and sacrament,  Eric Iverson  mI -------------------------------------------------------------------------h    We care.  -H    We care about people.  Deeply.  Vaguely.  Many parts of the world areH not very nice.  We want to help.  Help us find out which parts they are. Or whatever.  You know.E  S(                                  AMNESIA+                               INTERNATIONAL   l" PO Box either 207, or 702, or 027,= That Big Town With The Exhibition Centre And all The Tunnels, ; Can't Remember the New Name of the County But It Used To Bet@ Called Rutland Or Something. Anyway, You Can't Miss It. BM9 3TX.     (From Not the Nine O'Clock News)I -------------------------------------------------------------------------y  o,                              Kritik's Korner,                              ===============,                              by Pauline Kael1                         Submitted by Hugh Cushinge   F    SORORITY SLAYFEST (date unknown) -- Buddy Bowers' sublimely earthlyI comic-horror piece is the sort of >meurtrier foux< essay that you seem to H detest less and less as the blood memories fade.  It attempts, and occa-E sionally succeeds, in splattering one's most bellicose and inebriatediG fantasies across the screen and the first few rows (the cinematographeroG is uncredited).  Kim Cattrall is Mona (she swallows the second syllablesE of her name as naturally as she swallows the copious amounts of semen-H provided by special-effects artist Leonard).  She simmers with a sort ofG nihilistic spunk; you want her to be the sole survivor.  But the often-v: overworked script forces her emotional turns to lose theirH adrenaline-drenched power.  A few good slashes applied to the plot wouldG have helped here.  More importantly, the casting agency should have putCE their receivers down long enough to realize one cannot kill more than=D five cherubic, apple-cheeked teenagers without losing the audience'sH interest.  Bowers should listen to his own Slasher Harry: "queen-bitchesF must go" as well if the emotional roller-coaster is not to break down.? And Bowers often seems to expect grandiose results from limitedpI resources; the scenes played to build sexual tension before each kill are D quite torpid.  Yet your eyes remain nailed to the screen.  With TaraD Strohmeier, David Naughton, and Michael Talbott (from Miami Vice) asH Harry.  Script by Bowers and Dennis Miller.  (235 West 42nd Street, Apt.( 5A and Olympia Quad through March 27th.)I -------------------------------------------------------------------------   a3                      Outfoxing the Spelling Checkere3                      ==============================n  tF They're know miss steaks in this newsletter cause we used special softA wear witch checks yore spelling.  It is mower or lass a weigh too)G verify.  How ever is can knot correct arrows inn punctuation ore usage:iG an it will not fined words witch are miss used butt spelled rite.  FouriC example; a paragraph could have mini flaws but wood bee past by therB spell checker.  And it wont catch the sentence fragment which you.F Their fore, the massage is that proofreading is knot eliminated, it is still berry much reek wired.  yG (Reprinted with no permission at all from the NUMAC Newsletter, who got-? it from "Interface" (vol20, no7) published by the University ofa California, Santa Cruz.)   I -------------------------------------------------------------------------   o+                               Sneak Preview +                               =============I/                           by Brent C.J. Brittono  n6                   Available in book stores next month.  u5                    The latest book by Albert Goldman,t:                highly acclaimed biographer of dead people.   H From the one man who had the guts to put down on paper what everyone was$ saying about Elvis Presley anyway...  rG From the man who dredged up all the muck and slime you always wanted tol% know about the life of John Lennon...r  u(                                  It's...  o,                             THEORIST DEAREST,                             ----------------:                the unofficial biography of Albert Einstein  LI Finally, Albert Goldman reveals the gory details about the sordid life of E one of the greatest minds of the twentieth century in this muckraking  masterpiece!  uI As these excerpts indicate, THEORIST DEAREST tells the whole gritty storyL about...  i( The Irresponsible and Abused Adolescent:  hH     Einstein was late to class, as usual, the day grades were announced,F     so he had to wait until lunch hour to find out that he had flunkedH     high-school math.  According to sources close to him at the time, he3     feared that his father would probably kill him.d  i The Wild Patent Office Years:d   F     "Einstein vas ahead of his time," says a coworker.  "Alvays he vasH     getting drunk unt saying zings like 'Hey Klaus, vhy don't you and me$     fax our penises to London, eh?'"  t The Plagiarism:e  oG     It is widely accepted that Einstein wrote his greatest papers while G     working as a patent clerk, even though some sources claim that theyeF     were actually the work of "Fritz", Einstein's estranged junkie who+     mysteriously disappeared in early 1905.x  l The Lust for Money:g   G     When asked what he would do if he couldn't be a physicist, Einsteind7     remarked that he would like to have been a plumber.c  i The Princeton Coeds:  EH     Helga, daughter of Einstein's maid: "Herr Dokter Einshtein vas oftenE     valking around mit his shoes untied because he had no time to tiecF     zem up vhen he vas sneaking out of ze girls' dormitories.  Vhy did.     you zink his hair alvays looked like zat?"  n The Nasty Temper:   iF     Einstein was arguing with another researcher about the validity ofG     quantum mechanics.  "God does not play at dice!" he insisted as the D     argument raged on.  Eventually Einstein said "Look, let's have aC     thought experiment.  Suppose you and I are standing at ze trainlC     station waiting for ze train as we will do tonight after class.oI     Now suppose I shove you off the platform onto the tracks and ze trainuF     comes ripping over your helpless body at nearly ze speed of light.H     At zis point, relative to my frame of reference, you are dead and noC     longer around to bother me about ze fucking qvantum mechanics!"o   I Don't miss THEORIST DEAREST, the unofficial biography of Albert Einstein.i   -                            By Albert Goldman.m   @         Highly acclaimed, but obviously constipated bald person.   I -------------------------------------------------------------------------e  u(                                 Columbus(                                 ========+                               by Ogden Nash 6                   Submitted by Johnathan R. Partington  c/          Once upon a time there was an Italian,a6          And some people thought he was a rapscallion,           But he wasn't offended,6          Because other people thought he was splendid,)          And he said the world was round, 5          And everybody made an uncomplimentary sound, C          But he went and tried to borrow some money from Ferdinand,i:          But Ferdinand said America was a bird in the bush2               and he'd rather have a bird in 'and,9          But Columbus' brain was fertile, it wasn't arid,i6          And he remembered that Ferdinand was married,C          And he thought, there is no wife like a misunderstood one,aC          Because if her husband thinks something is a terrible ideaa2               she is bound to think it a good one,A          So he perfumed his handkerchief with rum and citronella,d%          And he went to see Isabella,k?          And he looked wonderful but he had never felt sillier,IH          And she said, I can't place the face but the aroma is familiar,(          And Columbus didn't say a word,)          All he said was, I am Columbus ,u1               the fifteenth-century Admiral Byrd,IE          And, just as he thought, her disposition was very malleable,sH          And she said, Here are my jewels, and she wasn't penurious likeF               Cornelia the mother of the Gracchi, she wasn't referringC               to her children, no, she was referring to her jewels,a,               which were very very valuable,6          So Columbus said, Somebody show me the sunset6               and somebody did and he set sail for it,C          And he discovered America and they put him in jail for it,o(          And the fetters gave him welts,4          And they named America after somebody else,<          So the sad fate of Columbus ought to be pointed out-               to every child and every voter,F9          Because it has a very important moral, which is,-3               Don't be a discoverer, be a promoter.    I -------------------------------------------------------------------------=1 Issue025, (Volume VII, Number I).  January, 1989.a