D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 27.0                           Issue 26                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             457 lines   6-MAR-1990 20:02P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    C        @@@    @@@@             @@@          @@@@                @@@ B       @@@@    @@           @@   @@          @@                  @@I      @@ @@   @@  @@  @@ @@@@@@  @@    @    @@   @@@@  @@ @@    @@ @@  @@@ G     @@  @@  @@  @@  @@   @@     @@   @@   @@  @@  @@  @@  @@  @@@@   @@ I    @@   @@ @@  @@  @@   @@ @@   @@ @@ @@ @@  @@  @@  @@      @@ @@     @@ G   @@    @@@@   @@@@ @@  @@@     @@@   @@@@   @@@@   @@     @@@  @@  @@@ ) @@@@    @@@                    @@@    @@@    1                        Electronic Humor Magazine.    ;              Issue026, (Volume VII, Number II).  July, 1989    8                NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by8                 Brent C.J. Britton, <brent@maine.bitnet>   I ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ;              Life: n. a fatal, sexually transmitted disease +                           -- someone's sig. I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    (                                 Contents(                                 ========   A               NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest                   How I Proved the:                 Riemann Hypothesis ........... Mathematica   8               Lutefisk ....................... Nutrition   5               Zero Hero ...................... Advert    ;               Hamsterology ................... Hamsterology    5               Klassik Korner ................. Poetry    5               The AI Notebook ................ Report                   Quantum Mechanics :                 in the Bath .................. Educational   3               Sam's Sham ..................... Joke    I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    (                                NewsWorks(                                =========   D     In all likelihood, this will be the final issue of NutWorks everH to be plopped unceremoniously into the mail queues of the two and a halfC thousand or so readers who have put up with it for the last several H years.  There are two reasons for this.  First, at the end of the summerI I will be moving to Cambridge, Massachusetts to begin graduate studies at D a certain institute of technology, and in doing so I expect to incurD severe constraints on my leisure time (busier than a one-armed paperG hanger, you might say (apologies to any O-APH's out there)).  As it is, I this issue is the first I've been able to produce in six months, and even I though I can scarcely imagine my track record being much worse, attending , MIT probably wouldn't do much to improve it.   E     Second, the importance of edited "magazines" such as this is dim- I inishing rapidly as more people are gaining access to bulletin boards and G discussion lists where the communication between readers and writers is G more conversational.  Certainly, there are arguments on both sides, but F ultimately, I think, the "magazine" format is becoming obsolete as the6 world beats a path, as it were, to a better mousetrap.   F     My heartfelt thanks to all the folks who over the years have takenI the time to contribute articles, administer local NutWorks redistribution * servers, or send the occasional kind word.   B     Back issues, including this one, will continue to be stored onD listserv@tcsvm.bitnet, but, of course, the subscription list will beC terminated.  I strongly encourage those with material to submit for > publication in NutWorks to mail them instead to Brad TempletonD <funny@looking.on.ca>, who moderates the news group rec.humor.funny.   
     Peace,     bcjb   I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    6                    How I proved the Riemann Hypothesis6                    ===================================@         by Jonathan R. Partington <jrp1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk>   I The trouble with this modern age is that every few weeks someone goes and G solves a problem that's been baffling Mathmos for centuries.  Sometimes I it's the Four Colour Problem, sometimes it's Fermat's Last Theorem, some- G times it's "Why are the Graph Theory books all miscatalogued?" You know E how it is -- in households the length and breadth of the country, the 2 following conversation takes place over breakfast:   A "Well, I've been telling them it would happen for years, but they G wouldn't believe me... 'It was claimed yesterday that four colours suf- C fice to colour any map on the plane.  Mrs. Thatcher has promised to B reduce this to three by 1995.  In the House of Commons, Mr. Dennis- Skinner was suspended for saying "Poo-poo."'"    9 "Yes, dear.  Did they explain how the theorem is proved?"    H "Yes... 'The intimate secrets of Appel and Haken revealed -- Sexy under-F wear in four colours to be won - see pages 6,7,8,9.' I think the Times" has gone downhill a bit recently."   H Time was running out and I had to decide quickly: if I wanted to make myF name, should I prove Goldbach's conjecture, or the Riemann hypothesis?F After some thought I decided: I'd have serious attempt at cracking theG Riemann hypothesis, and then, if it came out by lunchtime, I'd do Gold-  bach over tea.   E The Riemann hypothesis was first formulated when Riemann wrote in the F margin of a textbook he was reading: "All the nontrivial zeroes of theI zeta function lie on the line Re s = 1/2. I have found a truly marvellous I proof of this fact, but I'm certainly not going to write it in the margin H -- I'll send it to the Cambridge Philosophical Society instead.  Anyway,C the book's due to go back to the library tomorrow."  Riemann always I claimed that his proof was lost in the post, and could never remember the  details.   E Of course there's not much money in unsolved problems -- after all, I G could have been earning three times as much if I had been bad at maths, H and done something to benefit mankind instead, such as buying shares andE selling them at a profit -- but there's always the spin-offs: Riemann E hypothesis tee-shirts, Zeta-function soap powder ("Gets to the points G that other brands cannot reach").  Maybe, even, an appearance on a chat H show, though I might be able to avoid that.  So I got out the pencil andI paper, scratched my head, stared out of the window, and waited for inspi-  ration.    F At first things seemed to be going badly -- a good ten minutes passed,F and I was beginning to think that the Goldbach conjecture looked a bitH easier.  I had even got to the stage of wondering whether there might beG zeroes which didn't lie on the critical line, and had cautiously looked 7 behind the filing cabinet in case there were any there.    D Then there came to me a brilliantly simple idea, so ingenious that aH child of ten could understand it, but so wide-reaching that the whole of. mathematics would be instantly revolutionised.    (To be continued)    I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    (                                 Lutefisk(                                 ========,                             by Mr. H. Nareid   E Editor's note: This is Mr. Nareid's second response to Eric Iverson's ?                "The Lutheran Party" which appeared in Issue025. D                Mr. Nareid's first response was written in Norwegian.   I I have to apologize for my lateness in supplying a translation of my note H on the (alleged) nutritional value of lutefisk.  One of the main reasonsF for this is of course my shock at discovering that a magazine cateringF specifically for those teetering on the edge of insanity does not haveG anyone on its staff capable of understanding Norwegian.  Norwegian is a 5 language that is customized for lunatic brinkmanship.=  =/ On the (alleged) nutritional value of lutefisk:=  =I As all enlightened Norwegians (there's not many, unfortunately) now know, I lutefisk *is* actually a toxic waste substance which has been devoured by F unsuspecting innocent Lutherans (ignore the contradiction, please) forH centuries.  Since our revered (I actually managed to keep sarcasm out ofH that adjective -- not easy) prime minister Dr. Med Gro Harlem BrundtlandG is trying to achieve international fame through environmental activism, F it is particularly embarrasing that thousands of Lutherans at home andI abroad (particularly in the Seattle area) are tricked into believing that E a vile toxic waste substance (lutefisk) is fit for human consumption.   @F I would like to advise the North American Lutheran Party to remove anyH reference to lutefisk from its political platform (not that it will make) any difference to its political support).   o
 Sincerely,
 Mr. H. Nareid   II -------------------------------------------------------------------------   p)                                 Zero Hero )                                 ========= 5                    by the Ukranian Bog Wibble (MG102)-  -I To his friends Albert Zilch was an ordinary kind of digit -- an all roundeE typical numeral whose features added up to nothing.  But unbeknown to-D them all, Albert lead a secret existence.  For when he so desired he? could change his entire personality and become... SUPER ZERO!!!=  =/ >>> WHAT'S THAT DIGIT FLYING THROUGH THE SKY???. >>> IS IT A NINE?  IS IT A SIX?     NO!!! IT'S... SUPER ZERO!!!    D Yes!  Super Zero!  Able to multiply numbers by 10 by simply stickingI himself on the end of them!  Able to subtly add himself to things without.E anyone noticing!  Capable of causing immense hassle to his enemies by.2 making them perform divisions with him as divisor!  .9                ****** AT YOUR LOCAL CINEMA NOW!!!! ******.  .G Coming up next week:  Oneder Woman -- demonstrating that the fairer sex F can also provide their share of useful numbers!   "The most attractive- piece of unity I've ever seen." -- The Times.-  -I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    *                               Hamsterology*                               ============.                            by Russell L. McRat   6 Notice from the department of Scientific Hamsterology:  wG Science has long pondered mysteries of the universe, such as the extent H and nature of the cosmos, perpetual motion machines, the origins of man-H kind, how to file taxes, and exactly WHY DO HAMSTERS HAVE CHEEK POUCHES?0 Fortunately, the latter has finally been solved.   I Many psuedointellectual scientists (as they like to call themselves) ina-hI curately concluded that cheek pouches served a need for transporting foodhC through the hamsters desert homelands in Syria.  These pouches are, G infact, vestiges of an all-purpose survival apparatii which god, in hise# infinite wisdom, endowed them with.b  wE There are many purposes for these of which I will explain just a few.dG Few people actually know that hamsters originally swam to America in anaI effort to avoid political and economic oppression.  The pouches served iniI a two-fold capacity.  Firstly, the rodent could fill its pouches with airaF to stay afloat while sleeping, and secondarily it could store air whenH diving.  This feature was named and later mispronounced as SCUBA (origi-E nally it was SCUPAH -- Small Collapsible Underwater Pouches of Air onhE Hamsters).  Upon arriving in the New World they used their pouches touG smuggle contraband through customs.  They have also been known to stuff 6 entire families into their mouths to save on bus fare.  eG For a brief time, evolution produced green hamsters.  These were uniqueeF in that they could crawl into their own pouches, effectivly disguisingH themselves as tennis balls.  Natural selection discovered the error soonE after the North American Tennis Finals, after which the few survivingc* green hamsters were too sore to reproduce.  -I Yet another use includes enlarging their cheeks for purposes of resonancepF which allows them to yodel, an activity they perform when they believe that no one is around.  nF A final use for the cheeks I will explain is for attacking prey.  Ham-C sters, not usually considered predators, once traveled in packs notpD unlike those of wolves.  They first, not unlike wolves, encircle theI victim.  Then, very much unlike wolves, they puff out their cheeks making I very unusual faces at their prey.  This causes laughter, hysteria, shock,iE and ultimately cardiac arrest.  The victim is then roasted for all ton enjoy.  iI -------------------------------------------------------------------------h  e+                              Klassik Korner.+                              ==============s   -                            Today's selection:a9                Excerpt from MOTS D'HEURES: GOUSSES, RAMESh/                          The d'Antin Manuscriptn                             1              Chacun Gillel$                                    2#              Houer ne taupe de hilel,               _                            3+              Tot-fait, j'appelle au boiteurt6                      _               4               55              Chaque fele dans un broc, est-ce crosne?w5                                            ,  _     6c4              Un Gille qu'aime tant berline a fetard.  c  dC 1.  Gille is a stock character in medieval plays, usually a fool orh     country bumpkin.7 2.  While hoeing he uncovers a mole and part of a seed. 6 3.  "Quickly finished, I call to the limping man that"A 4.  Every pitcher has a crack in it.  If a philosophy or moral is !     intended, it is very obscure.nG 5.  "Is it Chinese cabbage?"  It is to be assumed that he refers to the'     seed he found.; 6.  At any rate he loves a life of pleasure and a carriage.e  i, submitted by Eric Huret <EAH1@LEHIGH.bitnet>  dI -------------------------------------------------------------------------p  f,                              The AI Notebook,                              ===============@         by Jonathan R. Partington <jrp1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk>  n8                 More triumphs in Artificial Intelligence-                            by Charles Cabbages  yH It is a while since I explained how I managed to give sentience to a canG of beans and later created "Artificial Wisdom".  My most recent projecttF has been to design an "Intelligent Terminal" -- some form of microcom-A puter, or PC, which can not only be used as a terminal to our IBM D mainframe, but is able to perform useful functions in its own right.  nG It is very important to get the level of intelligence just right: in mydG first attempt, I designed a terminal so clever that it caught religion,oI and would refuse to transmit data to the mainframe on the grounds that itdE was too busy praying for my soul.  I don't know if it ever discoverediH God's E-MAIL address, because the whole computer centre was later struckE by lightning and we had this terrible plague of frogs -- Heaven knows 0 what message it was trying to send on my behalf.  uH I then decided to reduce the genius level a bit, but my Mark II terminalH turned out to be too stupid.  "Transmit data to mainframe, Igor" I wouldI tell it, to which it would reply "Uh, what data, Master?" which was a bit H infuriating after three hours of typing.  Apparently its "mind" had beenC wandering and it had been dreaming romantic dreams about the drinkso machine nearby.i  vI Evidently I was on the wrong tack.  However, while I was washing my socks I the next day, inspiration struck.  Obtaining access to a washing machine, I I poured three cans of alphabet soup into the top of it, wired it up, andnH pressed the "Wash at 300 baud" button.  I sat down in front of the largeE screen and waited.  Before my eyes the alphabet soup formed the wordspH "WAITING FOR TERMINAL INPUT".  But there was the problem -- although theD terminal had 5 function keys (labelled with mysterious runes such asE "Slow Spin" and "Rinse Hold") there were no typewriter keys.  I wouldeF therefore have to provide voice input, in the same way as a broken car$ will often run better if shouted at.  wF Bravely I opened the lid and shouted in "Log me on to the IBM, edit myB paper to change every occurrence of the words 'Hilbert Space' intoE 'Martha the whistling Tapeworm', correct Theorem 3, print it out, andaH send it to the Bulletin of the London Mathematical Society."  The screenH displayed the words "NO PAPER", so I threw in some old newspapers, threeF odd socks and some soap powder, and waited.  Within a few seconds, theI door burst open and alphabet soup and shredded newspaper flew out into myl) face. However, the socks had disappeared!(  eI A week later I received an unexpected letter from the London MathematicalAH Society, thanking me for sending them my socks but regretting that owingI to pressures of space they were unable to publish them.  This I account ar> partial success, though clearly more development is necessary.  -> Donations to help me continue my researches should be sent to:        Charles Cabbage,)     Third Washing machine from the right,=     Scrubbosox laundrette,
     CambridgeB  WI -------------------------------------------------------------------------i  -G Humanities student to consultant: "My printout is not as dark as it wasuG                                    last time... does that mean I didn'te8                                    save it hard enough?"  U2 Overheard by: John Baschab <JBASCHA1@UA1VM.bitnet>  TI -------------------------------------------------------------------------!   3                       Quantum Mechanics in the Bath 3                       ============================= 7                   Submitted by phydesbonnet@vax1.ucg.ie!  aF Well hi again kids and welcome to this week's show.  Today we'll learnG how to make a k-meson just like little Johnny did last week even thoughIG his mommy said he wasn't to be fiddling with asymptotically free parti-tE cles while she was out, but it's ok this week because mummy's here tosG mind us.  Now before you start get a scissors, some coloured paper, two H empty toilet rolls, a tube of glue and of course a high voltage particleA accelerator.  You can get one in your local international nuclear G research institute by holding your mommy, and if you like, your govern-RF ment as well, to ransom just like we showed you in the fourth episode.+ We know a little song about that, don't we?s  s<            (to the tune of Pop goes the Weasel, in A# minor)  c3                 Hold a grenade to your mommy's heada'                 Phone up the governmentC0                 Pull the pin and make the threat/                 "Give us a particle acceleratort%                 Or Pop goes my Mommy"a  y+                 I'm not a nuclear terroristo'                 I'm really a nice childs3                 Just because I watch too much Ramboa(                 I wanna kill lotsa gooks-                 Waorrrg kill kill kill tankewd  d-                 Fusion, fission it's such funh%                 Note the alliterationd-                 So if you want some particlesa#                 Pop goes your Mommy   iD Are you ready now children?  Take the toilet roll and cut it up intoE little strips like so and show it your mommy.  She'll be so impressedsH she'll give you a banana and you can make LSD like we showed you in epi-I sode 12.  Give it to your Dad (don't forget to charge him now!).  Ask himtI would he please drive his car at high speed into the back of the '56 Mus- F tang into the trunk of which you put the particle accelerator (this isI important!) and after sticking a large bullseye of red crepe paper on theeG back (get your mommy to help you cut this out and always remember scis- F sors are DANGEROUS), stand well back.  Applaud at the shower of lethalF alpha-Daddy-particles.  Notice their short half-life and watch out forH the quarks.  Collect Daddy in the second toilet roll (bet you thought weH forgot about that) and present him to Mommy.  Collect the life insurance- we showed you how to apply for in episode 13.l  i" Wasn't that fun!?  Nice flash, eh?  cG Tune in next week for another exciting episode of "Quantum Mechanics ineD the Bath" when we'll explore the wonders of genetic engineering.  SoG don't forget to get your little brother, a bottle of household carcino-oC gens, a large box of generic scalpels (available in the frozen foodu5 department of your local store) and a large bullfrog.l   9                              Nathan Quinlan (ah begorrah)c@                              Kieran Coughlan (Top o' the mornin)8                              Chris Hardin (Pet Floridan)I                              Deirdre Thornton (token anti-sexist gesture)-D                              And here's a mention for Joe Desbonnet,G                                without whom this would not be possible.   T	 Footnote:c  nH If any of you smartasses point out that the average particle acceleratorH is several miles across and thus does not fit in the trunk of a '56 Mus-= tang then you're the one who's losing out because it's FUNNY!    I All financial gestures of appreciation and non-perishable canned goods to C any or all the above-mentioned at U.C.G. (that's University College H Galway to those of you not in the know, that is those of you from placesG other than Galway, Ireland).  No twinkies please as they tend to repro-  duce on long journeys.  mI -------------------------------------------------------------------------l  a)                                Sam's Sham.)                                ==========a?           Submitted by Michael J. Irvin <IRVINMJ@WSUVM1.bitnet>t  "F There was a man who fell in love with a beautiful young lady and askedI her to marry him.  She says "Be serious Sam.  You're fat, you're ugly and I your wardrobe is atrocious."  So Sam loses 80 lbs, gets a facelift, and asI hair transplant, joins one of those health clubs and gets tanned and fit.IE Then he buys an all new up-to-date wardrobe.  Now he goes back to the-G girl and says "Now whaddaya think?"  She says "What a hunk!" and agrees G to a date.   He arrives at her door with a limo.  She comes out lookingoI radiant, her eyes aglow with the promise of a never-to-be- forgotten eve-f. ning.  Sam has never been happier in his life.  hH As they walk to the limo lightning strikes him.  With his dying words heH says "Why now God?  Why now, on the happiest day of my life?"  God looks7 down and says "Oh.  Sorry Sam, didn't recognize you..."r  aI ------------------------------------------------------------------------- . Issue026, (Volume VII, Number II).  July, 1989