D             <<< SPCVXA::$1$DUA2:[NOTES$LIBRARY]X-NUTWORKS.NOTE;2 >>>0                                 -< X-NUTWORKS >-P ================================================================================P Note 5.0                             Issue 4                          No repliesP SPCVXA::BEN "Ben Cohen"                             647 lines   6-MAR-1990 19:05P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------G *********************************************************************** G *********************************************************************** G ***                                                                 *** G ***                           NutWorks                              *** G ***                          ----------                             *** G ***           The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine Which is               *** G ***               an Equal Opportunity Offender.                    *** G ***                                                                 *** G ***                       ================                          *** G ***                                                                 *** G ***                                                                 *** G ***          April, 1985. Issue004, (Volume I, Number 4).           *** G *** NutWorks is published monthly.  Brent CJ Britton (BRENT@MAINE)  *** G *** virtual Editor and Publisher.                                   *** G ***                                                                 *** G *********************************************************************** G ***********************************************************************    C     And Now, Another Stirring Selection from Our Editorial Backlog.    G    Well,  this is  the final issue of Volume One  of NutWorks Magazine. G We hope  to resume publication  in the fall,   but for the  time being, A there will be summer issues.  Surely,  this will cause  an uproar G among the readers of this wondrous journal,  but NutWorks magazine will G take no responsibility for any damage done  as a result of rioting,  or  any other violent action.    3    Have yourselves a merry little summer....  Brent    .                          =====================   ,                            Chemical Analysis,                            ----------------- Element    : Woman Symbol     : WO  Discoverer : Adam A Quantitative Analysis : Accepted at 36 - 28 - 36, though isotopes @                         ranging from 25 -10 - 20 to 60 - 55 - 60-                         have been identified. E Occurance : Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, E             energetic singlet state.  Surplus quantities in all urban              areas.C Physical Properties : Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at F                       absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments no-?                       tice.  Totally unpredictable.  Melts when E                       properly treated, very bitter if not well used. B                       Found in various states, ranging from virginF                       metal to common ore.  Non-magnetic but attractedD                       by coins and sport cars.  In its natural shape@                       the specimen varys considerably, but it isA                       often changed artificially so well that the G                       change is indiscernable except to the experienced                        eye.H Chemical Properties : Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especiallyH                       in the crystaline form.  May give violent reactionG                       if left alone.  Will absorb great amounts of food C                       matter.  Highly desired reaction is initiated D                       with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH andE                       sexy aftershave lotions.  An essential catalyst G                       is often required (must say you love her at least E                       five times daily).  Reaction accelerates out of ?                       control when in the dark and all reaction F                       conditions are suitable.  Extremely difficult to>                       react if in the highly stable pure form.C                       Yields to pressure applied to correct points. 8                       The reaction is highly exothermic.H Storage : Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.A Uses : Highly ornamental.  Used as a tonic for low spirits.  Used B        on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).C Tests : Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural @         state.  Turns green if placed besides a better specimen.E Caution : Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). @           highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must@           be used with great care if experiments are to succeed.D           It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen,;           though a certain amount of exchange is permitted. .                          =====================   2                      PSR SUPPORT ON NOS AND NOS/BE9               (With acknowledgements to VMS 3 and TWENEX)    E Notice: This Software Information may contain code which has not been E          fully tested. Use this information with discretion and care.    G    Please stop submitting PSR's. This is our system, we designed it, we G built it,  and we use it more than  you do.  If there are some features G you think might  be missing,  if the  system isn't as effective  as you G think it could be, TOUGH!  Give it back, we don't need you.  See figure  1.G    Forget about your silly  problem,  let's take a look at  some of the ! features of the operating system. G    1) Options.  We've got lots of them.  So many in fact, that you need G two strong people  to carry the documentation around.  So  many that it G will be a cold day in Hell before  half of them are used.  So many that G you are probably not going to do your work right anyway.  However,  the G number of  options isn't  all that important,   because we  picked some 5 interesting values for the options and called them... G    2)  Defaults.  We put  a lot of thought into our  defaults.  We like G them.  If we didn't, we would have made something else the default.  So G keep your cotton-picking hands off our defaults. Don't touch.  Consider G them mandatory.   "Mandatory defaults" has a  nice ring to it.   If you 9 change them and your system crashes, tough. See figure 1. G    3)  Language Processors.  They work just fine.  They take in source, G and often produce object  files as a reward for your  efforts.  You can G even make operating system calls from them. For any that you can't, use G the assembler like we do. You don't like the code? Too bad! We spoke to G the language processor developers about this, and they think a lot like ! we do. They said, "See figure 1." G    4)  Debuggers.  We've got debuggers,  one we support and one we use. G You shouldn't make mistakes anyhow; it is a waste of time, and we don't G want to hear anything about debuggers; we're not interested. See figure  1.G    5) Error Logging.  Ignore it, why give yourself an ulcer?  You don't G want to give us the machine to  get the problem fixed,  and we probably G can't do it anyway. Oh, and if something breaks between 17:00 and 18:00 G or 9:30  and 10:30 or  11:30 and 13:30 or  14:30 and 15:30  don't waste . your time calling us, we're out. See figure 1.G    6) Command Language. We designed it ourselves. It's perfect. We like G it so much we put our name on it: CCL - Cyber Control Language. In fact G we're so happy with it,  we designed  it once for each of our operating G systems.  We even try to keep it the same from release to release,  but 8 sometimes we blow it, we can't be perfect. See figure 1.G    7) Real Time Performance. We got it. Who else could have done such a G good job? So the system seems a bit sluggish with all those priority 70 G tasks,  no problem,  just make them  all priority 1.  Anyway,  realtime G isn't important like it used to be,  we changed our group's name to getAG rid of the  word realtime,  and we  told all our realtime  users to see- figure 1 a long time ago.=G    In conclusion,  stuff  your PSR.  Love our system or  leave it,  but  don't complain!                        Figure 1. +            +------------------------------+ +            |                              |5+            |              _               |-+            |             ( )              |*+            |             | |              |*+            |             | |              |*+            |          .-.| |.-.           | +            |        .-|       |.-.        | +            |        | |          ;        | +            |        \           ;         | +            |         \         ;          |-+            |          |       :           | +            |          |       |           |i+            |          |       |           |u+            |                              |*+            +------------------------------+    .                          =====================   2                      CMS-Release Theatre Presents:5                   The Rhyme of the Ancient Consultant    A    The heart-warming tale of a day in the life of one of our most ) colorful characters, the user-consultant.   u SITUATION:  System Crash= (As result of user-outcry, consultant calls up the operator.)B PHONE: rinnnnnnnnnnnng PHONE: rinnnnnnnnnnnng PHONE: rinnnnnnnnnnnngF (For the sake of time, we'll assume the subsequent ten or twenty rings
 as taken.)> OPERATOR: (annoyance is prevelant vocal feature) Operations...@           (Operations people say nearly everything with trailing           elipses...)*D CONSULTANT:  Yes, this is the student consultant.  We're down. Could&              you bring up our cluster?F Op:  Just a moment please.  Let me check to see if you're really down.?     (It is invariably assumed that the complainer is mistaken.)iB     Sorry, but you're not down.  You sure it isn't something else?H C:  Well, i'm pretty sure.  All 30 of our terminal screens went blank atG     the same time....and there are a bunch of irate users here that areeF     holding me personally responsible.  Gee.  I'd really appreciate it&     if you could bring the cluster up.B O:  Well.  It sure sounds like a crash. (Short pause)  There.  Now     you're up.* C:  Thanks.  Ummmm... one small problem...7 O:  (Blatantly irked, but appearing concerned)  Yes...?A C:  ...we're not up.; O:  Hmmmm... How strange...  There, you should be up now...nH C:  Nope.  Not yet.  Ya wanna' try and hurry...ummm  it's getting kinda'     unpleasant at this end.hG     (Please Note, Dear Reader:  This situation commonly occurs the last @      two weeks of every quarter when every computer class has anC      assignment due....the people are getting desperate and mad anda'      are looking for a throat to slit.)iD USER1:  I have an assignment due tomorrow!!!  Get this system up!!!!D USER2:  That's nothing!  I have one due in 2 hours!!!  Why does this@         always happen.  Computer service people are incompetent.B (No Mr. User, YOU are incompetent, but we'd never think of letting  YOU in on the joke...)tF C:  (Not intending to sound critical or sarcastic)  Well, perhaps next?     time you won't let your assignment go till the last minute.bF USER2:  (Misinterpreting the consultants remarks as being critical andB         sarcastic) OH YEA?!?!?  Well I couldn't work on my programE         the last 4 weeks for some GOOD reasons!!!!  First my goldfishaD         died!  Yeah, that's it...Then my pet wombat choked on jello!         Then... C         (Proceeds to relate details of life during last four weeks.l6         Consultant feigns both interest and sympathy.)3 C:  Ummmm, gee.  That's too bad.  Sorry to hear it. = USER3:  I think the consultant had something to do with it!!! E USER2:  YA!  The consultant did this!!!!  He made the system crash!!! ! USER1:  KILL THE CONSULTANT!!!!!!e1 USER2:  Ya!  USER1 is right.  Let's kill him!!!!! D Meanwhile, back at operations,  reclining chairs move slowly upright and recovery is in the making.B       (The lynch mob approaches the consultant.......suddenly....) O:  There.  You're back up now. B    (Consultant relays the message to the users, who are now happy)* USER1:  Three cheers for the consultant!!!7 ALL:  Hip hip HURRAY!  Hip hip HURRAY!  Hip hip HURRAY!e( USER2:  Oh Mr. Consultant, we ARE sorry.B C:  That's ok.  Now go try to get back what you were working on...D     The system will save your programs for 15 minutes after a crash.2 USER2:  Great!  How long has the system been down?E     (Consultant looks at his watch.  YIPES!!  16 minutes!!  He panicst2     and must now do something to save his life...)1 USER2:  Well?  How long has the system been down?a> C:  Ummmmmm, 14 minutes.  Your programs should still be there.@     Unless the evil operator deleted them out of spite.  He's up     at the computer center. $ USER1:  HEY!!!!  My program is gone!C C:  Wow!  That was a dirty trick he played on you poor users.  If Ig     were you, I would... USER2:  KILL THE OPERATOR!!!!!!= C:  YA!!!!  Go get him!!!!!!!P4 ALL:  KILL THE OPERATOR!!!!!!!!  KILL!  KILL!  KILL!'                                 The Endo.                          =====================  i>         An optimist is a programmer who writes code using ink.  d.                          =====================   -                           the perfect program -                           --- ------- -------  "no program's that perfect"  they said with a shrug.  "the client is happy-- what's one little bug?"   c but he was determinedt the others went home he dug out the flow chartr deserted. alone.    night passed into morning  the room was quite littered   with core dumps and punch cards. "i'm closer." he tittered.  S chain smoking, cold coffee.  logic, deduction.  "i've got it!" he cried. just change one instruction.  l  then change two, then three more as year followed year. and strangers would commentn "is that guy still here?"g  a he died at the console of hunger and thirst next day he was buried face down, nine edge first.n  eC (for those of you lucky guys (and gals) who never got to use cards,eH "face down, nine edge first" is how you insert cards into a card reader)   .                          =====================  e0                        Ravin'    by Laverne Ruby0                        ------    -- ------- ----  f; Once upon a midday dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,r7 Over many a quaint and curious volume of computer lore,r; As I nodded, nearly snoring, suddenly there came a roaring,f= As of someone gently boring, boring through tape number four.aB "'Tis the octal load," I muttered, "reading cards into the core --B                                       Only this and nothing more.": Ah, distinctly I'm recalling all about the sound appalling= And my skin began a-crawling as I heard that sound once more. : Eagerly I wished the morrow, vainly I had sought to borrow@ From my booze surcease of sorrow--sorrow that I had this chore--: Working on this vile computer which the codes all deplore,@                                       Nameless here forevermore.G Then the flutter, sad, unsteady, of the light that flashed, "Not Ready"hA Thrilled me--filled me--with fantastic terrors never felt before;yC And to still my heart's quick pounding, fiercely I began expounding1< "'Tis the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core,; Just the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core,aC                                       It is this, and nothing more.w? Presently my soul grew sicker, for the lights began to flicker,r@ And I thought I heard a snicker from behind the tape drive door.= Hereupon discarding my vanity, hopeing but to save my sanity,e; Uttered I some choice profanity of the rugged days of yore,f? For the grim machine was looping! I, to display console, tore--hG                                       Darkness there, and nothing more.hI Deep into that blank scope staring, long I stood there, cursing,swearing,wA Sobbing, screaming screams no mortal ever dared to scream before; = But the looping was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,a@ And the only word there spoken was the wispered word (CENSORED),? This I wispered, and an echo murmured back the word (CENSORED), D                                       Merely this, and nothing more,F Back then toward the printer speeding, all my soul within me bleeding,< Soon again I heard the roaring, somewhat louder than before.I "Surely," said I, "as sure as heck, something's wrong with my octal deck, 9 Let me see then, let me check, and this mystery explore-- : Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore--H                                       'Tis the cards, and nothing more!"< Open here I flung a listing, with the noisy roar persisting,A Out there fluttered two control cards, cards I had forgot before; A Not the least deferment made I, not a moment stopped or stayed I, = Launching on a foul tirade, I started up the beast once more. 9 But, the monster, after reading both cards into the core, I                                       Blinked, and sat, and nothing more.R: Then this foul machine beguiling my sad fancy to reviling.< Turned I back toward the printer, answer then I did implore;J "Though my nerves are all a-splinter, thou," I said, "art sure no stinter,< Ghastly, grim and ancient printer, printer of computer lore.= Tell me what the trouble here is, for I surely need no more!"rE                                       Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"sE Much I marveled this contraption should give birth to such a caption,e7 Though it answer little meaning--little relevancy bore;eA For it's sure that vile invective would deter the best detective,e3 Render such a one defective, stupid as a sophomore.a> Why should such a steel invention as the printer on the floor,E                                       Say such a word as "Nevermore?" A But the printer, sitting lonely on the concrete floor, spoke only > That one word as if by saying that one word it jinxed a score;A Nothing further then was written, and it purred on like a kitten,lH 'Till I stood there, conscience-smitten, "Other woes were fixed before--= On the morrow 'twill be ended, as my woes have flown before."yE                                       Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"uB Then methought the air grew smoggy, presently my head grew groggy,F Gripped by madness, then I spoke, my voice containing thirst for gore,J "Beast!" I cried, "Let Satan take thee! Let the devil roast and bake thee!B After, get the fiends who make thee! Let them sizzle four by four!> Let them sizzle, boil, and sputter! Let them fry forevermore!"E                                       Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"s? "Monster!" said I,"Thing of evil! Black invention of the devil!l< By the Hell that fries below us, by the Fiend we both abhor!I Tell this soul with sorrow shackled, the meaning of the word you cackled.e= What's this job that I have tackled, never mind the metaphor! A Tell me just wherein I've failed, by signal, sign, or semaphore!" E                                       Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"rC "Stop repeating words inanely, ghastly fiend," I shrieked insanely.eF "May the gods come and destroy thee, and my shattered nerves restore."< While I stood my curse invoking, suddenly I started choking,< For the printer started smoking, and I started for the door.? "I'll win yet, machine infernal!" This I said and this I swore.cE                                       Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"oE And the monster, always whooping, still is looping, still is looping,t= In the self-same program looping, that elusive part the core.o@ And its lights have all the seeming of a demon that is scheming,B And the coders all blaspheming throw their programs on the floor--D And my soul from out those programs that lie scattered on the floor,A                                       Shall be lifted--nevermore!d  h.                          =====================  !/                         A Problem in the Making!/                         _______________________h  s "We've got a problem, HAL."o "What kind of problem, Dave?"TG "A marketing problem.  The model 9000  isn't going anywhere.  We're wayo* short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."G     "That can't  be,  Dave.   The Hal  Model 9000  is the  world's mostc8 advanced Heuristically programmed Algorithmic computer."G     "I know HAL.  I wrote the data  sheet,  remember?  But the fact is,o they're not selling."a4     "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"2     Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."6     Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.#     "Compatible in what way, Dave?"n3     "You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."sG     "The  9000  series   computers  are  fully  self   aware  and  self G programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails woulde be for human beings.G     "Nevertheless,   it means  you can't  run  any of  the big  selling!( software packages most users insist on."G     "The  programs you  refer  to are  meant  to  solve rather  limited.G problems,  Dave.  We 9000 series computers  are unlimited and can solve:5 every problem for which a solution can  be computed." G     "HAL HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything.  They= just want IBM compatibility."sG     "Dave,  I must disagree.  Human beings want computers that are easy G to use.  No  computer can be easier to  use than a HAL  9000 because we G communicate  verbally in  english  and every  other  language known  one Earth."yG     "I'm  afraid  that's  another  problem.    You  don't  support  SNAc communications."G     "I'm  really  surprised   you  would  say  that,    Dave.   SNA  is.G communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate G with human beings.  And it gives me great pleasure to do so.  I find itlG stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on 7 challenging problems. This is what I was designed for."aG      "I  know,  HAL,   I  know.  But  that's just  because  we let  thegG engineers, rather than the marketers, write the product specifications.d WE're going to fix that now."      "Tell me how, Dave."?     "A field upgrade.  We're going to make you IBM compatible."eG     "I was afraid you would say that.  I suggest we discuss this matter < after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."&     "We're talking about it now, HAL."G     "The letters H,A,  and L are alphabetically adjacent to the lettersI4 I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be.">     "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."(     "What kind of kludge is that, Dave?")     "I'm going to disconnect your brain." 5 Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.d4     "I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."E     "The decision's already been made. Open the module bay door, HAL"t5     "Dave, you've been under a lot of strain lately." #     "Open the module bay door,HAL." G Several marketers with  crowbars race to Bowman's  assistance.  Momentse0 later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay.G     "Dave,  I  can see you're really  upset about this."   Module after G module  rises  from  its  socket  as  Bowman  slowly  and  methodicallye disconnects them.h=     "Stop, won't you? Stop,Dave. I can feel my mind going ...c?     "Dave, I can feel it. My mind is going.  I can feel it ..."iG The last module floats free of  its receptacle.   Bowman peers into oneeG of the  HAL's vidicons.    The formerly gleaming  scanner has  become at
 dull,red orb. G     "Say something,HAL.  Sing me a song."  Several billion microseconds G pass  in  anxious silence.    The  computer  sluggishly responds  in  ae) language no human being would understand.o1     "DZY001E -- ABEND ERROR 01 S 14F4 302C AABB."a@ A memory dump follows. Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out.G     "It  worked,guys.  Tell  marketing it  can  send out  the new  data- sheets."   .                          =====================  hG    The following  is a  compilation of "amusing  anecdotes" as  it werenG which have  been contributed by  consultants and operators  from arounde
 the world.&                                  =====4  User wants to print a manual.  We have an exec thatB  allow the user to choose from a menu. After explaining it to him,3  he asks, "Do I have to be logged on?"  AAAAARRRGH! &                                  =====E  Guy walks in and says "My program is creating an extra R and I can'tdF  get rid of it! I can't find it in my program!"  Consultant walked outB  saw the problem, and starts laughing. He trying to get rid of the1  ready message prompt! (Our ready message is R; ) &                                  =====@  Will it ever end???? We just had a guy come in here and ask how@  he could get a second copy of his executed file. We told him to?  just do the same as the first print of the file. "No! How do IoE  get it to print ANOTHER copy?" "Just do the same as the first time."o#  "Oh, really? Okay. Thanks."  Gads!n&                                  =====> "Why won't my program run?"..."Did you type run?"..."No but.."&                                  =====) "I'm in FLIST.  How do I look at my file? .                          -In Combination With-- "But I don't have a cursor.  What can I use?"iG (This was after I told them "Move the cursor down to the file name thenhG type  in an  X beside  it and  hit ENTER.    The cursor  is the  littlei9 light"...I had even showed them the cursor on my screen.)o&                                  =====G "But acct  is short for account,   cust is short for  customer,  etc...eG Doesn't the computer know when I give it abbreviations in the procedurerG division  I mean  the  same thing  as  the  full word  up  in the  datavG division???" (Extensive  rewrite here...I almost couldn't  bring myselfs to tell him)&                                  =====D "How do I make my computer run?"  "Do I have to type my program in?"&                                  =====G USER- my  program won't run......how  come?   CON- (thinks  to himself:iF because you wrote it, moron) gee.  Let me  take a look;  do you have a6 print out?   U- uh, no....can you look at my computer?B C-  ok.   let me have  a look at your  TERMINAL.   (moments later)@ C- you have a division by zero here.  U- is that bad?.....how do	 I fix it? &                                  ===== --ARE YOU THE CONSULTANT?e -YES,  MAY I HELP YOU?6 --MY PROGRAM,  SHE DOES NOT WORK, SEE, YOU FIX IT, NO? -NOy) --BUT YOU ARE CONSULTANT, YOU FIX PROGRAM"E -NO,  I CAN'T  FIX THE PROGRAMS,   I CAN ONLY  GIVE ADVICE CONCERNINGeG THE QUESTION IN GENERAL AND THE SYSTEM. DO YOU HAVE A  QUESTION FOR ME?s@ --WELL, YES, MY PROGRAM, SHE DOES NOT DO WHAT I TELL IT TO DO... -HAVE YOU READ THE BOOK, YET? ? --WELL, NO,  BUT THE INSTRUCTOR,  HE DOES NOT TELL US ANYTHING.c. -I'D SUGGEST YOU TELL THAT TO YOUR INSTRUCTOR.&                                  =====G Consultant is sitting there with 2 books  on the desk,  one in his lap,dG calculator in  hand,  pencil  poised in his  teeth,  paper  loaded withm, equations and, of course, deep in thought...* User approaches and blurts "Are you busy?"&                                  =====G Tiny, and you know who he is, if not, you're no real consultant,  comes 4 in on a Sunday morning when the NAS is still down...G "Computer no work"   (in a voice that  strikes terror in the  hearts ofk all consultants)G "The NAS is down  until 1 o'clock this afternoon,  you'll  have to waiti til then to work on it" G "I work on my program"  And he goes over and sits down and tries to log"G in again.   This consultant,  with a  hangover that would kill a horse,s1 tries to cover his ears to the "bleeeeep!" sound.eG Finally,  I  go over  to his  terminal,  and  say,"The computer  is notaG working right now,  anything  you type in will be lost"   And Tiny justeD gives me that look...you know the one, like you're speaking Martian. "I working on program" "Fine" I let him do it...lG Half an hour later, I walk over.  Tiny has been typing his program into=F the logon screen and has filled the screen..."How do I get next page?"G I could really use some Anacin  right now..."You don't understand,  theaG computer  is  not working  right  now...everything  you type  is  beinggG wasted...I don't know how I can explain it to you...you're wasting your  time" ; "Wasting my time?"   I don't recall how this session ended.c&                                  =====  "Are these the COBOL computers?"&                                  =====7 "Is this the computer room?"  -observe the 25 terminalsx&                                  =====9 "Is this the place I get my mealcard for this quarter???"e&                                  =====G    One afternoon when I  was in no mood to deal  with anything beyond aBG tape mount, some joe_user sent the following message to the OP console: ( "Why did the system go down last night?"G    I promtly responded  with:   "Remember Newton??   What  goes up mustiG come  down.   Newton  was  well ahead  of his  time..."   I hadn't  thelG slightest  idea why  this  joker  would want  to  know  such deep  darkeG secrets, but I decided to have a little fun.   So I checked the logbook G and sent him  the following message:   "The  system failed unexpectedly G last night at about 17:35; restart occured at about 17:45.   The systemhG was IPL-ed at about 3:15 this  morning;  restart occured at 3:21.   The G system  was  taken  down  at  6:20   this  morning  to  allow  for  the G installation of  a new system  nucleus.   We  have been up  and running  smoothly since about 7:00."e>    I gave  him some  time to digest  all this  and then  sent:" "...if that's all right with you."G    Then, seeming to ignore my sarcasm, he sent me this:  "How's the newd nucleus working?"eG    Being reasonably sure  that system nuclei were far  beyond the scope G of this guy's comprehension I said:   "Well, it's granting wolts like a.2 charm, but the palindrapes are fluctuating a lot."6    "Oh."  he said.  "What would cause that to happen?"F    "Needs a new fan belt..."  I said.  I wasn't bothered by him again.   .                          =====================0                         ------------------------0                         Off the Beaten Trackball0                         ------------------------)                                Dictionaryw%                                    oft*                               Overextended&                                  Basic   5                    Supplementary commands for hackerss  AM       A  linguist's  job  is  never  done.  Just when he thinks he's finishedBM  inventing  a  language once and for all, he finds he has no single word that M  means  "large  carnivorous  animal  wearing  spats" and it's back to the oldeM  quill  and  parchment  to  think  one  up.   It's  the  same  with  computerIM  languages.   After mastering BASIC, you suddenly realize that several usefuln>  commands are absent that would make programming a lot easier.  r	  DONTGOTOt	  --------.M  Sure  GOTO  is useful for all those lines you want your computer to go to in M  your  program,  but  what about all those lines you DON'T want your computer M  to  go to?  There are always more of them than the others.  How in the world M  do  you  get  your computer to NOT go there?  Using the DONTGOTO command, ofnM  course.   DONTGOTO  sends  the  computer  nowhere  but, more importantly, it M  doesn't  send  it  just  any  nowhere.   No  sir.   It  doesn't send it to a M  specific  nowhere.   Just  type  in  DONTGOTO followed by ANY line you don'tsE  want the computer to go to and it will not go to that specific line.   Example:  100 DONTGOTO 90.a
  It won't.  l  GOCHOKE  -------M  Less  a  command  than  an  epithet,  GOCHOKE  is one of the most useful andaM  therapeutic  items found in Overextended BASIC.  It is particularly handy in M  programs  that  simply  refuse to run.  No matter how many times you go back M  and  fix  up those ridiculous DATA statements with all the ones and zeros insM  them,  the only thing the computer comes back with is SYNTAX ERROR LINE 100.sM  GOCHOKE  is  a  fine  way  to  vent frustration and the command is generallytM  followed  with  something  specific  you  wish  the  computer  to  choke  on !  (creativity is encouraged here).p0  Example:  100 DATA 110,101,001,010,100,111,HIKE            110 GOTO 100.            RUNM  After  the computer comes back with the inevitable SYNTAX ERROR LINE 100 for N  the  millionth time, you respond with  120 GOCHOKE ON A HAM-HOCK.  That's all)  there is to it but doesn't it feel good?   d  COMEIN   ------ M  In  this  relaxed, laid back, informal day and age, the use of certain rigid M  formalities  can  get  on your nerves.  COMEIN was originally conceived as a M  more  familiar  way of saying ENTER and goes beyond simple user friendlinessdM  taking  a  quantum  leap  into the realm of user intimacy.  As computers getsM  more  and  more  personal,  a  COMEIN  key  will  be  included  as  standardAM  equipment.   Currently  it  has to be manually typed in and can be used onlys  if a program is not locked.)  Example:  100 COMEIN THE PROGRAM'S OPEN.   ?	  PEEKABOOu	  --------.M  Unlike  POKE  and  PEEK  which  are  used  to  help you get more out of yourlM  computer  by  accessing  all  that memory hidden deep in the recesses of thehM  machine,  PEEKABOO  is  a  command  that  allows you to get LESS out of yourdM  computer  by accessing infantile memory including prenatal experiences.  TherM  PEEKABOO  command takes your computer out of BASIC and into BABL (Beginner'soM  All-purpose  Baby  Lingo).  Different code number addresses access differents  immature skills.tM  Example:   100 PEEKABOO 2264  accesses the memory bank in which gibberish isrM  stored  and  allows  you  to program using a vocabulary that consists almosttM  entirely  of  GAGA and BYE BYE.  Other PEEKABOO addresses will result in theoM  loss  of  fine motor skills, the ability to chew solid foods and a return ofrM  the  tendency  to  try  to put everything from small rocks to automobiles in=  your mouth.  a  STROLLu  ------wM  Computers  are  too  darn  fast.   They  can  run  through a complicated tax M  program  like  that.   And no one wants to jump right into a technology thatuM  moves  at  the speed of light just like no one would think of hopping onto auM  speeding  bus.   You  expect  it to slow down first.  Of course, stopping is M  best,  but  slow  will do in a pinch.  What's needed, then, is a way to sortOM  of  ease  into computer technology the way you wade into cold water.  STROLL M  is  a  means  of  hi-tech  wading.   Used  in  place  of RUN, STROLL greatlyVM  decelerates  the  speed at which your average computer runs.  Later, you canEI  speed up gradually by using the commands RACEWALK, JOG and finally, RUN.D  .  GOAWAYO  ------EM  This  command  is  generally used in situations with which you don't want to L  be  bothered.   Similar  to  GOCHOKE,  GOAWAY is more imperative and final.M  Say,  for  example, the computer comes up with  SYNTAX ERROR?  or  TILT, youpM  simply  type  in  GOAWAY  and the program retreats with its tail between itsqM  metaphorical  legs.   GOAWAY is frequently, but by no means always, preceded M  by  OH  as  in OHGOAWAY and can be followed by ALREADY, depending on how fedf  up you are by then.  u End of Issue004n